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Need feedback on this crazy schedule proposed by BIO MOM FROM HELL

confusedmomof3's picture

In May 2010 BM gave the two boys to us. She moved 45 minutes away to live with her new hubby and the boys didn't want to change schools so we took them. Needless to say, it has been a challenge (they come with a lot of baggage)...

We have tried for the past year to get her to move back up here or be more involved in her kids lives. Her excuse is always "not enough money" or "the drive is too long"... etc. She works 5 minutes from our house, so it's not like she isn't in the neighborhood.

Ok, well.. BM's and hubby's house has been on the market and they finally got an offer - but it's a lease purchase (which a LOT of people are having to do these days due to the economy), so we're thinking "yaaaay, she's finally going to move up here and be a part of their lives" (like she said she was trying to do all along).

So, she sends us an email last night wanting to CHANGE EVERYTHING we have worked on for us and our kids (my DH's 2 and my one daughter) for the past year. She wants to get a 2 bedroom apartment with her hubby and have his kids (one boy and one girl) and her two kids alternate weeks with them in and out of the same 2nd bedroom!! Not only that, but she wants to do it so it totally is the opposite of the schedule we have now! Meaning, my daughter and his kids would only see each other 4 days out of the month, so we would only be a "family" 4 days a month? I have shared parenting so it's week on and a week off. We would have my daughter one week, get them that Friday, have Saturday and part of Sunday together and back to her dads my daughter goes and we start a week with the boys...

Not to mention the fact that the boys would have no where to keep their clothes and toys at their BM's new apartment and would have to alternate a bed with their step brother and sister??? I mean, would they have to have a suitcase packed and live out of that? And these kids are ages 10 - 12 (pre teen)... I really don't think alternating a bed is really that great of an arrangement. Plus the just back and forth, instability and no place to really call your own.

We have worked so hard to blend this family and it has not been easy and we are finally making strides! Now she just wants to change all of this because she is moving back up here? I mean, we are totally fine with her doing shared custody with us if she has good living arrangements and is going to stick to the schedule we have had for the past year.. To just pop this on us and expect us to just change everything is absurd... in my opinion.

Thoughts? Comments? Am I out of line here? Help

hopefulSM's picture

My first question would be what does your current CO state is the visitation and custody schedule? Do you have custody?

Second question, is what does DH have to say about this proposed schedule and what does he feel would be best?

Just because she proposed a new schedule does not mean that is what has to be done. She suggested what she wants and what works best for her. Now you and DH need to sit down and discuss what you think would be best for the skids and what would work for the two of you and propose your own schedule.

Do you see BM as only wanting it to be her way or open to other options? You may have to go to court to do a modification and have the judge determine what would be best for the skids. If this is the case make sure that you can back up everything that you are asking for as to why it would be best for the kids and in their best intersts.

Kes's picture

I agree with hopefulSM. Just because she wants it, doesn't mean its going to happen. I would ask the boys what their views are on all this - and also discuss with your DH what you would like to see happen and then negotiate with the BM. You are in a strong position as you have had sole care for quite a while.
My instinct would tell me it is best that the boys go slowly when reestablishing a relationship with their mother, perhaps EOW with her initially. Also - the bedroom situation is ridiculous! They need a 3 bedroom place, I would say that is a deal breaker if they refuse.

confusedmomof3's picture

The current CO is a mess. We have all deviated from it for over a year because she moved and gave the kids to us. They have shared custody, however DH and I had them most of the time (85% of the time during school - 50% during summer).

DH and I are on the same page. We both think this is ridiculous for her to just come in and expect us all to adapt to her messed up situation.

Yeppers.. this is ALL about HER. How she needs things to be so they will work for her. TOTAL BS. And trust me, I have no ill will or bad feelings about her in general - this isn't one of those "I hate my ex's ex and want to make her miserable" things.. it's just pure common sense and what's best for the kids.

It basically boils down to this: we have a 4 bedroom home that the kids have called home for over a year now. We have had them 85% of the past year and things have been going great. She wants us to all be joyous and accomodating now just because she has the opportunity to move back here, and we would be - if she was proposing a REASONABLE housing and scheduling arrangement. She isn't.. she wants to throw everything sideways and cram 4 kids and two adults into a 2 bedroom apartment on a revolving basis.. how is that even remotely good for the kids?

I propose this: she goes ahead and moves up here because it is best for the children that she is a part of their lives. However, they still primarily live with us. She gets them like normal with the added privelage of having extra time with them now (we will all agree to what days, times, etc.) That way she is a part of their school, sports, etc. minus the crazy schedule and topsy turvy living arrangements..

Once they have enough money to get a larger place (6 - 8 months from now according to her) we revist this and go the shared parenting route?

reasonable or unreasonable?

hopefulSM's picture

So you have joint custody. But what does the current CO actually say is the visitation arrangement b/w the two? NOT what you have been doing.

Based off what you are saying. I might even propose this: due to the living arrangements and what the kids are comfortable with and use too - they spend each and every SCHOOL night in your home. I might also even add in that they are picked up at X time after school work is completed. Or that they need to be back home by X time in order to complete school work and wind down before bed. If you are to let her have them at all on a school night - say for supper or something.

I would let her know that you will keep her fully informed off all school events, activities, and sports, games, recitals, etc so that she can be fully involved.

But yes, I would start out slowly for the kids’ sake and to provide stability for them. If she has been unreliable and unstable in the past - then who's to say she will even stick to a schedule?

confusedmomof3's picture


It was modified last year when she gave up the boys - I believe it states she gets them every other weekend and then once she lives up here we would go to a week on and a week off. Which we would be perfectly ok with if she actually had room for the boys and didn't want to completely flip everyones schedule on it's side.

During the summer we do a week on and a week off (Sunday - Sunday) and it works GREAT for everyone involved. My ex, his wife, her ex, my DH.. everyone is on this schedule and it works great. It's been my CO with my ex for 4 years now. It's his wifes schedule and her ex's as well.

Now BM wants to change it so that we do Friday to Friday to accomodate HER schedule and that works for no one. If we were to do this, the boys would arrive on the Friday of the weekend my daughter goes home. So they arrive Friday night, we have the whole day Saturday as a family and then Sunday my daughter goes to her dads. Then we have only the boys that week and they go home on Friday.. etc.

So the family we have worked our butts off to blend only really gets 2 full days a month together just because BM decides she wants to rearrange everyones lives?

I have proposed we keep the schedule the way it is and she has very flexible visitation rights to the boys - like you stated above. She doesn't want that. She thinks it's perfectly fine for her and her hubby to have this 2 bedroom apartment, have his kids sleep in the 2nd bedroom one week and then her kids the next - just keep flip flopping them.

If we don't do things her way she states that it forces her to have all 4 kids at the same time in this apartment and they will have to alternate sleeping on the floor?

I mean, really? How about not having her kids live there until she just finds a better living arrangement with more room?

Kes's picture

COnfusedmom - I think your proposals sound extremely sensible and anyone with half a brain can see the sense - lets hope the BM can.
In my view (and this is just my view so feel free to disagree) it is not in children's interest to spend one week in one house and the next week in another house - it is just not stable enough. I think unless the kids really, really want to spend half the time with their BM IF she gets a large enough place - they should continue to regard your home as their main home - and spend the majority of their time with you, and a smaller proportion of the time with BM.