Need Advice-New to the Forum
Hi everyone, I was doing some research online and came across this site. I thought I would take a chance and post here as I'm experiencing issues similar to many members here from what I have read.
I have been with my finance for almost 5 years now. He has a daughter from another relationship (14 years old) and we have an 18 month old daughter together.
I am struggling with my step daughter and her mother.
Some background (I'm sorry if this is long winded):
Finance has massive guilt over his daughters childhood. He missed many occassions,etc because the mother would deny him access (she's a real piece of work, aggressive, manipulative,dangerous, unstable). So he parents with no rules, let her do what she wants, be her friend at all times. He only wants to have fun, and does not want to deal with the hard stuff. Her mother has no rules in their home. She is allowed to roam the streets all hours of the night, do what she wants, etc.
Step daughter took to me very early in the relationship. And I have tried to use this influence to help her, teach her rules, responsibility...But now I am receiving push back from finance. He doesn't want her to be stressed out. If we tell her to do something and she doesn't he thinks we should just let it go because she's just not going to do it. I think its wrong and we are teaching her bad qualities.
With step daughter and her mother there is constantly stress. The mother will call me asking for money, telling us we have to pay for this, we have to drive her here, because she never has money etc. Guess what lady, we are on a very tight budget as well and live pay check to pay check thanks to the crazy debt finance brought into the relationship.
Because of the stress and the backlash from my finance regarding his daughter I have stepped back and shut down. I dont say anything to her anymore, I don't enforce rules, I hardly communicate at all. I have become a shell of a person and I am walking on eggshells in my home. Finance tells me to let it go, don't stress, just live life. I think we are letting this girl down and she is on a very bad path. Always in trouble in school, has been in trouble with the law, has never taken responsibility for anything, will not help around the house, has been caught online engaging in "inappropriate" activities..
Anyways, I could go on and on. I am debating my future and our relatinoship. I love this man dearly, but I do not know if I can do this.
A stupid part of me thought
A stupid part of me thought he would be different with our daughter. That part of the reason he is the way with stepdaughter is because of the guilt. But I guess I have always regarded him as not being a great parent, fun, yes, but he acts like her friend most of the time instead of a parent.
Do I run? Do I try and stay and make it work?
I was ready for a child and
I was ready for a child and loved him and thought, it will be different with our own child....stupid me
I am to the point where I loathe my stepdaughter as well. She is with us half of the time, and I am miserable when she is there because of the situation that has been created.
I should note, we are in couples counselling together and have talked about this quite a bit. But the therapist says that the daughter does not understand rules and stability because of how she has been raised and instead of enforcing rules and consequences on her, we should just support her and be there for her. I think this is bull, we can support her and be there for her while still having rules and consequences.
I keep thinking we can make it work. I do not know what I would do if I leave. I have no where to go.
I'd find a new therapist if I
I'd find a new therapist if I were you. Her advice to have no rules or consequences is complete BS.
Thank you, I agree. It was
Thank you, I agree. It was disappointing because he has helped us so much in other areas, but I just couldn't agree with what he was saying. This was how we ended the last session, so I intend to talk about this next time.
THIS is mostly why I stay. I
THIS is mostly why I stay. I was naive too.
If you leave can you be
If you leave can you be fairly sure you'll get more than 50% custody of your child? I'd also be worried about how your child will be raised when you're not there.
Sounds like such a tough situation. Does he know you're thinking of leaving? Maybe he has no clue how much this means to you. Have you been able to reason with him that allowing a 14 yr old free reign means nothing but trouble once she's an older teen and the impact this will have on your younger child? I would really drive home the modeling behavior issue. He messed the first one up but not too late for the little one. Otherwise, your child is going to think this is how kids are supposed to act...
Ugh. I'm sorry. Hugs.
I feel for you. I'm in a
I feel for you. I'm in a similar situation. I stay because I'd rather be in full control of our child. I was naive too. Its going to be up to you what you want to choose. No one can choose for you.
IF you decide to stay, the only thing I can recommend is disengage. I had to begin working out to quell my anxiety. It was SOOOO bad. The eggshells and not having opinions about his daughter (she was 12 when me and SO got together). After 6-12 months of disengaging, I got so good at it. AND I still am good at it. In fact, I make light of everything now and he doesn't. Oh, she's smoking pot working part time and living off her mom at 20? Oh she'll be fine, she's just going to take longer to get it together. No big deal. He reaped what he sowed and it does not become my problem. Once you practice it for a while, you just really start to feel more neutral. Yes his daughter bothers me now, but it doesn't affect my body or my anxiety like it used to. She's more of a nuisance on the holidays.
I hope you figure things out, but try to focus on getting yourself centered and attending to your Little one. Putting your focus there really helps.
If you decide to leave, then excellent for you! You're stronger than me.
I am so torn. My health has
I am so torn. My health has been suffering drastically. I have massive anxiety and have been having anxiety attacks, which I have never had before in my life. Just getting out of the door in the mornings takes everything out of me and the smallest little issue seems to completely destroy me to the point where I feel like I cannot function.
I have been trying to disengage with her, but I'm not doing well with it so far because everything is still bothering me, I'm just not voicing it. And I think she sees it as she is starting to act hostile and angry towards me, which has never happened before.
He knows that I am miserable, but not that I have considered leaving. I cannot fathom letting my child go half of the time. If I leave, I am not staying here, I would go home (I have no one here for support), but he would fight me on that.
I need to do something, as I fear my my mental and physical health. My body feels like it is shutting down because I am under so much stress.
How do I get through to him. He is taking the view of the therapist, well this will never work with her, so we need to step back, not get stressed over these things....This child is headed down a very bad road and I seem to be the only one who wants to work to get through to her. None of this is ok. And now I have to give up on her, because if I say anything about he he becomes so defensive.
I am in a similar situation.
I am in a similar situation. I have a terrible SD who is also 14. And I too get no support from DH to discipline her, or even acknowledge there's a problem. We don't have kids together, but I have 2 of my own that I refuse to put through another divorce/move, so the answer for me is to stay until my kids are 18.
Here is how I cope until then - hopefully some of these ideas work for you:
-- Involve myself with friends. I call them, text them, go out with them when I can. I always try to make new ones. They provide me with the emotional support that my DH doesn't. I don't even really talk about SD with my friends. I ask them about their lives, we talk about similar interests. Anything to feel less alone.
-- Take my own kids out when SD is with us. We go to the movies, dinner, etc. Your child is younger, so maybe the library or parks?
-- Exercise! It helps with the anxiety that you describe. I run, pretty much every other day. It is my quiet time to burn off steam.
-- Meds! Work with a doctor to see if you might benefit from an anti-anxiety. I take Lexapro.
-- Pray! Sorry, I know religion is a tricky subject but I find relief from daily prayer. I ask God for the strength to hold my tongue when it comes to SD. I ask for patience. I ask for joy.
-- Distract! When you all have to be in the same house together, read a good book, watch a movie. When you find yourself getting all in your head about what a terrible person she is, catch yourself and force yourself to read or watch something totally unrelated (no reading step-parenting books!).
-- Get stronger so that you don't depend on your fiance as much. Split your finances, learn how to do home repairs, lean on anyone else BUT him. This serves two purposes: 1) if it doesn't work out, you will be self-sufficient and 2) the less needy you are with your fiance, the more he will come around wondering why you're so distant.
Hope some of these suggestions help.
Oh, I forgot to mention! I
Oh, I forgot to mention! I also remind myself DAILY that in only TWO SHORT YEARS, SD will be driving. I am hopeful that she will spend more time at her mom's house once she starts driving. And 2 short years after that, she will graduate and who knows?? Maybe move out???
This was me 5 years ago. Just
This was me 5 years ago. Just keep practicing it takes a LOT of practice to disengage fully and properly. I had many slip ups. It took me a year to get it down pat. Focus on your little one, focus on a hobby or exercise. I physically distanced myself a lot in order to get the mental boundaries I needed. Eventually i didn't need physical distance anymore.
I lost so much weight from anxiety, I was sown to 90 lbs. It was awful. I actually ended things, and he didn't want to. He gave in and said he'd do better with his daughter and not let her get out of control with her disrespect. Fast forward and nope. My disengaging ended up solving it all. We enjoyed our time together when the skids were not around, but when SD came around I let her have daddy all to herself. Otherwise, she was too much to deal with.
I dread every night she is
I dread every night she is with us because the tension in the house rises.
Oh i'm so sorry. Think hard
Oh i'm so sorry. Think hard about what you really want to do. Can you live peacefully for your child;s sake? If not, then you know the answer.
This forum is eye-opening.
This forum is eye-opening. Knowing other people feel the same and that I am not a monster who just can't seem to unconditionally love this child.
I want there to be peace. I do love him. I know, it's not always enough and yes, I do question his parent. If I'm honest with myself, he is a downright s$%t parent sometimes and I'm astonished. He is like it with everyone, very much the creative, artist stereotype. He can be very distant and aloof. I don't know what I'm going to do. I am currently hiding out in my office because she is here for the weekend.
I am sorry. I have adult kids
I am sorry. I have adult kids and step kids, and when the birth mother is as crazed as you have indicated, it does not get better with time. My husband's ex is the same, always demanding money, and expecting it to just be found. When the money is not found the angry outbursts begin. This then makes my spouse moody and mean to me. I had hoped that all of this would change when the kids became adults, and it is exactly the same. The kids aren't the problem in my case, but the ex who is still able to pull stings is, and she is never going to go away. My point is, what you have is probably what you will get to keep. If you can find a space for you and your baby that is able to avoid this, try to do so. I wish I could encourage you more,but my own life tells me such is not the case. I wish you and your baby del, and I applaud you for wanting to help your stepdaughter. It sounds like you are very much needed by her whether anyone knows it or not.