You are here

Need advice! Going crazy!

Wifeandmomx4's picture

I will try to make this short. My husband and I were together when we were in high school. We separated for 10 years and got back together 2 years ago and got married. I have kids with another man that I was with for those 10 years. He also has a child. We now have a child together.

I have serious issues with the fact that he he a child. I think it's because the BM lied from day 1. She told him she couldn't have kids, and she was married to someone else. They hooked up one time. Yes, I know my husband should have used protection, so no need to point that out. I am so angry and bitter about this child.

I am angry that she did that to him and that it will effect our lives now forever. He never even wanted kids. He loves the child and my kids, but he's not a very attentive father. In fact, my mother in law was the one to raise this child because my husband loved with her at the time. To this day, my MIL feels that this child is hers. My husband is wishy washy when the child is here at our home. My husband says all the right things but his behavior doesn't match his words. He seems annoyed by the child. The child is 7 and can't tie his shoes, button his pants, or even wipe himself after a BM. He is a whiny baby and no doubt the product of BM and MIL.
I don't know what to do to calm these feelings. The BM is nice to my face but stalks and starts crap with me on Facebook. She has even decided to co parent now with my MIL and not my husband and myself. She will send texts and pictures to MIL but not my husband. My MIL was so concerned about not seeing my SS after the birth of our child, that she decided to befriend her after 6 years of drama and BS.

I can't stand this girl and highly resent the fact that my husband is stuck dealing with her forever. She's such a nasty person. I don't know how she can expect him to be Father of the Year when he never even wanted the child. He also has resentment, but nowhere near the amount I do.

Anyway, I don't talk to my MIL anymore and she rarely sees my baby. I feel betrayed by her because she chose the other child over mine when she did that. Why wait until we get married to friend the BM?? I am ready to get a divorce and move on. I am sick of the child, BM, and the MIL.

Acratopotes's picture

:jawdrop: you can't stand your husband's child but yet he has to keep house with yours?

You are simply jealous..... you want DH all to yourself and I am sorry to say, you hoped he would sit and wait for you for 10 years, get a life and realize that life chances... you broke up and you both had different lives in between, you can't hold that against some one.....

MIL is an adult woman and can choose her friends on her own, you have no say in this matter, You should not blast BM... if DH really did not want to have children he would've used protection and not simply believe a one night stand saying she can't get pregnant.... did DH do DNA testing to make sure it's his child?

There's no reason why you and BM should have any contact, you are not family and should not be friends, you have no say in the upbringing of BM and DH's child, it's not your child.... so stop co-parenting this boy, he's not your family and you have no say in his life,

But then again - you said you are ready for divorce... I suggest you go ahead with this divorce, cause clearly this marriage is not what you wanted, DH will never be a father to your children, they already have one. Find some one with no children

Wifeandmomx4's picture

I never hoped he would sit and wait for me. I never have him any thought. We got back together by accident (we ran into each other at a mutual friends funeral) and it ended my 10 year relationship with my children's father.

Also, what do I have to be jealous about? He slept with this girl one time and never wanted anything else to do with her, especially a child. He still has resentment and many negative feelings towards her. I don't feel as if I am jealous of someone that he never wanted and a child that he did not want.

Acratopotes's picture

yes you are Hon.... cause he has a child with another woman and yours is not his first born....
you hate this poor child who did not ask to be there....
this poor child has done nothing to you.... but yet deep down you hate and recent the kid? go to a quiet corner, sit and think carefully about it .... and then we can talk

by the way - it's a normal human feeling

Wifeandmomx4's picture

I do not hate the child. I'm having a hard time accepting it. In a way when it comes to the first born experience, I can say I feel like he was robbed. He had to experience that with someone he didn't have any feelings for. Then they fought in court over custody issues. That's all in the past, and it's no big deal now. All they do now is fight, and rarely even communicate. I am not rude to the child, I don't display any negative feelings towards him. I'm not a step monster!

Shaman29's picture

"I am angry that she did that to him and that it will effect our lives now forever. He never even wanted kids."

But it's okay that YOU had a kid with a man, who didn't want kids.

Please go look up irony in the dictionary.

Do not take your jealousy out on this kid. He didn't ask to be born and it's not his fault his parents are fidiots. How about you show this little guy a little compassion and show him how to tie his shoes. Make his father show him how to button his pants and wipe his tush.

Block the BM on all social media and ignore, ignore, ignore.

You, my dear, are a drama queen. Get a handle on it or it's going to eat you up.

twoviewpoints's picture

Hmmmm, interesting. So you hooked up with a guy who spent his twenties living with his mother and having one night stands with married women. yeah, because everybody naturally believes married women cheating on their husbands to be upstanding trustworthy people, he oops, got lied to and ended up a daddy. *rolls eyes*

Ok. Whatever. Then you got back with this guy who by then had this unwanted kid (cause he never wanted kids)who is a lousy father and decided it would be a good idea to get pregnant and have more kids...and blame BM and MIL for all your woes.

" The BM is nice to my face but stalks and starts crap with me on Facebook. She has even decided to co parent now with my MIL and not my husband and myself. She will send texts and pictures to MIL but not my husband. My MIL was so concerned about not seeing my SS after the birth of our child, that she decided to befriend her after 6 years of drama and BS. "

Why would BM co-parent with you? You have no reason to have anything at all to do interaction wise with BM. Why not delete the facebook account? Why would MIL be afraid just because you had a baby she wouldn't see SS anymore?

What an odd thing to call BM. A girl? *shrugs* I guess it doesn't matter now since you've decided to divorce and move on though. While you'll be rid of BM and that pesky never wanted kid, you've got no of stopping MIL of seeing your baby (and likely 'raising baby during Dad's parenting time)because some things just never change.

Wifeandmomx4's picture

Our child was also an oopsie. I had an IUD in place and it failed. He is nothing but loving and attentive to this baby. I think it's easier to have and raise a child when the child is with someone that you love.

Wifeandmomx4's picture

I believe the issue with MIL is complex. She knows that BM still has feelings for my husband. I think she thought that she wasn't going to be able to see my SS due to jealousy of BM. I'm not really sure. She is emotionally unstable and is very attached to this child. She feels as if she is his mother. SS even calls her mom.

Wifeandmomx4's picture

Ok so my husband never wanted kids....15 years ago. So people do change, and he is a great father to our baby. Who's to say what will happen when the baby isn't a baby anymore.I understand that all these emotions I am having are unwarranted. I am just trying to navigate these waters for the first time.

I don't know how to step parent. As far as my kids are concerned, BD and husband have been friends for 15 years. Everything runs smoothly. Everyone accepts the situation.

I feel like BM still has feelings for my husband. She wouldn't even pick her son up at our house for the past 2 years. She just now started.

I just need to accept this child and move on. I just don't know how. This will and my marriage because it's driving me nuts.

Oh and by the way, thanks for not being judgemental! NOT!

Acratopotes's picture

disengage from the kid, it's not your kid and not your problem....

it's very easy actually, you just need to change your mind set....

read this and remember it

In order to successfully disengage, you have to accept some realities. They are:

Your SKs are not your children.
You are not responsible for overcoming their previous "raising."
You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.
You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.
You are not responsible for raising your SKs.
All the responsibility belongs to your DH.
Your DH is not a mother.
Your DH is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.
Your SKs are not going to turn out the way they would if DH supported you.

What all this means is this: You must stop parenting your SKs. You must stop telling them what is expected of them. You must stop disciplining them. You must turn over all responsibility for them to your DH. You must allow DH to make whatever mistakes he makes.

Wifeandmomx4's picture

I am not in a position that allows that to work all the time. I have tried this, and found it effective until I get sucked back on. He spends at least one day a week with me while his father is at work. Also, I'd like to know the perspective when it comes to my husband disengaging with my children. He lives with them daily and does discipline them. This would seem unfair to him since he is engaged with my kids.

Acratopotes's picture

You allow the sucking back in...... no one is forcing you ,

so what if your husband disengage from your children? Why are you with him, to replace their father or to have a partner? And DH can always decide to disengage from your children....then you raise them the way you want to...

I'm totally disengaged from my step brat and SO is totally disengaged from my bio brat and it's fine...
we have different parenting styles and we've accepted that, we are with each other because we like each other not to replace a parent, kids will leave the nest one day...

Wifeandmomx4's picture

Yes, all of that bothers me. I don't hate the child, he is a sweet kid. He cannot help what has been done to him. I feel like he has been treated like a baby for the last 6 years. He comes to our house and his father expects him to act his age and he is just not capable.

It also really bothers me that BM has been public enemy number One right up until the day we got married. I don't understand it!

Acratopotes's picture

Hon... block BM from ever contacting you, you owe her nothing, really... DH can deal with her or ignore her

if SS is sweet towards you then you are friendly towards him, if he changes into a brat, you ignore him..
disengagement means... you do what you want and how you feel..... but you do not parent the kid, and this does not mean he can kill you or any one.... you can still say: SS this is my house and these are the rules, so cut out the crap or go to your room till DAd comes home...

Wifeandmomx4's picture

I absolutely agree with you about ensuring a connection with the child. I'm just wondering why it would happen right after we get married. To me it felt like a betrayal. I do not reach out to her for anything, and do not send her photos of my child. It's pretty clear in this situation that the only child she is worried about is the SS. She obviously isn't worried about being friendly with me to ensure a connection with my child.

classyNJ's picture

SIGH ok I'll ask: "We got back together by accident (we ran into each other at a mutual friends funeral) and it ended my 10 year relationship with my children's father."

So you left your childrens' father for this man without knowing what the dynamic was?
Did I miss something?

Aniki's picture

Fruity, after Monday, I can't deal with any of that thar stuff this week. Not people making inflammatory comments, not bullies, not cheaters, not jealous people, not antagonists, not nobody.

classyNJ's picture

Sorry Aniki - I thought maybe I missed some replies so I had to ask. Kinda hard to give advice without getting full story. Didn't mean to give you another Monday. Noone wants that. Blum 3

Aniki's picture

Oh, classyNJ, I didn't mean YOU! I meant this situation and the cheating. Didn't wanna touch it with a zillion-foot pole.

Wifeandmomx4's picture

The relationship with my children's father was already over. We were loving together just for the kids. I knew the dynamics,I just didn't realise how profoundly it would affect my life and our marriage. My MIL was never like this either. Not until the day after we married.

The BM was always a pain in the add but it also got worse after we married. If a woman honestly does not have feelings for her child's father anymore then why does she insist on starting so much crap and drama with his new wife?

She was also a very inattentive mother. Never would buy the child a coat or pay for a haircut or miss a day of work if he was sick. Now all the sudden Everything Has Changed. She is mother of the year!

I just don't understand.

Jsn3883's picture

Don't chose to be with a man who has a child if you can't accept the child. Be like a mother to that child or get lost. Over and over and over on this site I see step parents complaining about the significant others children. When you decide to be with someone who has a child you are also deciding to accept that child. If you CAN NOT or will NOT accept this child and treat them with love and respect then turn right back around and walk away. Parents and their children come as a package deal regardless of the situation. Take it or leave it, because if you can't accept that child you better believe there will be someone else willing to step up to that plate and not only love the person but love the child as well. You have no right to be with him if you don't find a way to love his kid. Everyone seems to forget about the children and their feelings and well being it's not wonder children are growing up with bad behavior and emotional problems etc etc... because all the step parents could care less about these children. It not the kids fault. You married him with that child knowing what you were walking in to! Now live up to your decision and take some responsibility! Those kids deserve it! Quit being selfish.

Rags's picture

His having a child with another woman effects your lives together no less or no more than you having a child with another man only you had more than one child with another man.

Time to take off the double standard filter glasses and grow up a bit I think.

If the SKid has behavior issues then confront and correct them as an equity life partner with your DH and an equity parent to any kids in your marital home.