Need advice, feeling I’m in over my head with SD10
I'm new here but I've been lurking intermittently, hoping to learn from other's experiences and advice, but now I need my own. I have a 10 year old step daughter that's been in my life since she was 4, and now have a one and a half year old daughter of my own. My relationship with SD has been good up until my DD was born, and her reaction to DD were very unexpected.
SD has three brothers from her BM, so she really wanted the sister, but now that she has her she's just jealous of everything. She's been shaming me for not being a good enough mother to her now that DD is in the picture. I've probably over compensated her (5000$ spent on a very elaborate 10th bday party and 3 days at universal Orlando) because I feel guilty that I'm not enough, but I also know I'm being taken advantage of. She's always compared me with her BM, and apparently I'm not allowed to have anything her BM doesn't have (so if I buy a new handbag, BM already has that and 10 more, even if she doesn't and it's a lie). I know the behavior is a lot of wish fulfillment, and she feels like she needs to feel like her BM is better in every way. It has been frustrating, but as an adult and having been a step daughter, I handled it as gracefully as possible.
However, BM is now pregnant with number 5 and it's a girl. SD has already decided that her new sister from BM is going to be better than my DD in every way, and this is where I don't know what to do. I don't want my daughter to have to take those hits as she's growing and developing. I don't want her to spend her young life compared to another child, and where she will never win in that comparison. I also don't know how to confront a child about a behavior I don't think she realizes she does, and how it's so hurtful. My SD is not the most emotionally aware child. My husband seems unconcerned, but he has the luxury of not dealing with the digs, so he doesn't understand how all those little things chip away at you. While we have a decent relationship with BM, she's a narcissist and her kids can never do any wrong so she's not helpful either (still trying to get her on board about the values of oral hygiene).
So yeah, that's what I'm dealing with and would love some advice to save my DD's future self esteem.