In need of advice - desperately!
Hi there! I am new here and VERY excited and happy I have finally found a place where others can somewhat understand on where I am standing and what I am going through. I am needing some advice - my relationship is possibly on the line because I am not sure how much more I can take!!
My BF and I have been together 5 years. We share a 15 month old boy together. I have a 7 year old son from a previous marriage. DBF has a 16 year old son whom he has sole custody of and lives with us full-time. He also has a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage whom we get every other weekend - this is where the probelm begins.
For the record DBF and his ex were divorced almost 3 years before he and I ever knew one another existed. I was seperated and going through a divorce with my ex. DBF started our relationship and it moved rather quickly. At first - his daughter and I got along wonderfully. She wanted to spend more time with me than her own dad at times. As the relationship progressed she asked if she could call me mom, asked why I couldn't be her mom, and told me I was nicer than her mom. I never encouraged this and ALWAYS told her she had a mom and I was in no way trying to or going to replace her.
Now....BM got very vengeful of me as she had been wanting to get back with DBF. She told her daughter that she didn't have to listen to me, she encouraged her to act up at our house so DBF and I would argue. When SD would go home and tell BM she had fun or that she liked me she literally got in trouble - BM told her that she was betraying her by liking me. Now....of course the damage has been done but BM's behavior has stopped. She has now told her daughter she needs to be respectful and mind me....of course she is now remarried and some of the karma has come back to bite her.
I don't know what to do anymore. SD is very disrespectful. She will look me straight in the eye and challenge me anytime I ask her to do something (as simple as putting her cereal bowl in the sink). She blames me for everything and says so in a snotty way. DBF got rid of his phone due to expense and she (even though she was already told the why) looked right at me and said 'is that why you made daddy get rid of his phone so he can;t call my mom!' She mades rude and disrespectful remarks to me and often makes up stories to BM to make me appear as a monster.
Now, in all fairness I have not been the perfect person. My frustration got the best of me and I fought back. I am not one to stand down. Yes, my anger for her BM and the way SD had acted at times drew out negative words towards BM in from of SD. I have yelled at SD and foughter with her dad in front of her out of sheer frustration. I too have caused some of this turmoil. However I am now trying to back track and establish a bond and bring some peace back to our home. She is just not responding!
I almost packed up our son and left last weekend. I can't take it anymore. She is rude, disrespectful, and goes out of her way to make me miserable while in my presence. She blames me for absolutely everything and will talk snotty about me to her mom and dad in front of me. She instigates issues with my 7 year old trying to get him in trouble and laughs about it. She won't do anything I ask.
We take the kids out and do kid friendly activities. Each weekend we have her we are spending well over $200 just to entertain. She will tell us she had fun and can't wait to come back and then go home and tell BM that she was miserable, I was mean, and she doesn't want to return. She calls before her weekends and tells her dad she doesn't want to come over because of me. She tells her dad he can't go to her school events because mom is there and he will bring me. She tells him that he loves me more than her.
I don't want to come between him and his daughter - I would never ask him to make the choice but I am at my wits end. I'm ready to pack up and leave because I can't handle her antics anymore.
My last effort is going to be a sticker chart. She can reward me as well as point out when she feels I am hurting her feelings or being disrespectful. I am hoping this helps. I have taken the high road and reached out to BM for assistance - she has been willing but it hasn't made a change.
Until this little girl understands that I am not the reason for the divorce nor the reason standing between them two getting back together things will not change. I don't know how to bond with her. I hate the weekends she is here and dread when they are coming. How do I get through to her? How do I get that positive bond back? How do I help her deal with our blended family?
She downright hates me and it's tearing me apart mentally and emotionally. It's also tearing my relationship apart as I just don't want to deal with it anymore!!
Sorry - I should have
Sorry - I should have explained that better. Yes, I will be rewarding her for positive behavior and pointing out her disrespectfulness as well. I just thought it would be good for her to do the same with me so she didn't feel like I was blaming her for all the issues. So, she won't really be rewarding me stickers for good behavior as I will be her but she will be able to let me know when she feels I am being disrespectful to her. I'm doing this to try and have open communication. I want her to know i care what her feelings are. I think this will help to open up discussions we we can get to teh bottom of the issue and HOPEFULLY find resolution so these arguments become nonexsistent.
I think you have the absolute
I think you have the absolute best intentions here and that your SD is incredibly lucky to have such a thoughtful SM. That being said, I actually do agree that by having her being able to give you positive and/or negative feedback in the style of a parent isn't the best way to approach this. I think wanting to open up communication and letting her know that she is respected and that you value her thoughts and feelings is absolutely wonderful. The problem is that you are putting her in the position of being your peer, rather than being your child. You are putting disciplinary methods into her hands and I don't think it's ever appropriate for children to reprimand an adult or make corrections. I would never allow my skids to disrespect me by giving me any instructions, telling me what to do etc... I am respectful with them and treat them with dignity and thoughtfulness, but I am always the adult and our whole family structure would be shaken if we let the skids be in the position of correcting us in any way.
I don't want to sound critical because I think you are great and sound like an incredibly caring and thoughtful parent. I do have an idea that might work for opening up communication between you two, without undermining your role as an adult and disciplinarian. Giving her positive rewards for good behavior is excellent and giving her feedback and corrections for negative behavior is also really good, but in addition, instead of having a similar chart for you as if you were a kid too, or her sibling or peer, you can make a "thoughts and feelings" box, where she can write down any thought, question, feeling, idea or worry on any subject and that you and her will go through each days "notes" together and use that as a jumping off point for open and healthy communication. It's a mature approach to the problem and is more appropriate to have a child use a more teen/adult approach rather than having the adult (you) revert to a juvenile method of feedback, basically, it's better for the kid to be challenged and nudged in the direction of maturity than it is for the child to be given disciplinary power and a position of authority and control over a parent/adult. Step-parents get to be more "friend-like" to their skids than bio-parents usually are, but I think setting and keeping a clear child-adult boundary is really important, not just for the skids, but for the adults too! If your skid knows that you care and are there and willing to listen and discuss, she will grow into mature and adult methods of communication and feel secure knowing that you are the adult and are taking care of things.
Just a thought!
I don't agree with her being
I don't agree with her being able to grade you - you are the parent she is the child - if you do this you put her on the same level as you and she isn't. I would not do the stickers I would just have talks with her but remember you are the parent. Also unless you have a lot of money - $200.00 every time she is there is going to cost you guys a lot in the long run. You are setting you and her up for Great Expectations every time she comes to your home and you will not be able to keep up with the activities. She needs to learn that being with her Dad is enough and not be spoiled every time she comes over. And you know she does not appreciate them as she tells BM how miserable she is at DH's. Live your lives the way you always do and incorporate her into it not change your life style to try and impress her.
Also why reward her for good behavior that should just be a given. This is why children of divorce get screwed up - she needs to act appropriately at your home just like she does at her mothers. If you expect good behavior and respect and your DH is on board then you should get it. Don't bribe her with "stars" just expect it. With SS when he moved in full time with us I sat him down with DH and we told him what we expected in our home and the rules and then we backed each other up.
Also you are not coming between your husband and his child - you are now a couple and she needs to learn to integrate into your family not the other way around. You and DH need to be a united front and he needs to correct her especially when she makes rude comments not give her $200.00 weekends - you both are creating this entitled monster!
I am not trying to be harsh but as you see your way has not been working it is now time to try something else -she needs discipline and structure when she is at your home - not outside entertainment.
I suggest counseling for the
I suggest counseling for the little girl. Your situation sounds much the same of my own a few years back. Your frustration with the situation is normal, been there. However if this doesn't get handled and the little girl is not addressed by the parents she will more than likely continue her little hateful, direspectful escapades towards you......my stepsons did and it nearly drove me to the bring of my own sanity. I wish you the best!
Hmmm, I wonder how well that
Hmmm, I wonder how well that would have went over in the old days out on the farm? A step child being disrespectful like that? Sorry, I'm a believer in immediate discipline. But, that's just me.
No stickerboard. It's a
No stickerboard. It's a weinie idea.
Does your husband know you're on the verge of leaving? If he doesn't its time to tell him. If he already knows and doesn't support you then leave.
Take the kids for a weekend trip, go to Mom's or a girlfriends, or rent a motel at the beach - whatever - and tell Dad that when you get back you'll have a final talk with him and if he isn't going to support you then you're out.