My stepdaughter hits too much

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Since she began living with us primarily in June of '19, she hits so much. She is 7. She bullies our older 9 y/o daughter (also my husband's bio child). She will haul off and hit our 3 y/o son for no reason.

Tattling doesn't work, she gets a light punishment and somehow it ends up being my daughter's fault(9 y/o). So I spoke to my daughter about how to stick up for herself. She is very sensitive and weak and cowers to others mostly. I told her in order to show her sister that she can't pick on her, that she must l, must, must stick up for herself.

Today, the girls were outside playing with a neighbor kid. 7 y/o shoves the 9y/o from behind. So she turns around after getting up and grabs 7y/o by her shirt to show her that she shouldn't shove. 7 y/o slaps her in the face. So 9y/o slaps back, but harder. 7y/o comes running to dad. Who is fuming...and blames the 9y/o. In my opinion, she got what was coming to her. After multiple talks, therapy sessions, etc. She still didn't get it. I don't know if she will now. It's so fresh. But I'm so hurt by my husband and his inability to see or acknowledge that he is harming our first daughter's soul and spirit by constantly blaming her for the actions of this child that he hardly knows. Who lies her way out of everything.

In the end, I got to the bottom of it. I found the root of the issue and told 7y/o that it was retaliation, and that maybe she should stop being mean all of the time if she didn't want things done back to her....which dad got uber pissed about and threatened to boot 9 y/o daughter out of her room and into the toddler's room.

I'm at a loss and considering divorce. I can't continue to do this when I know what (or who) the issue is, and it keeps going ignored.

Are any of these kids your

Are any of these kids your own bio child? Because I would think that your DH should be the one refereeing when it comes to his two older daughters. I think that the tactic of hitting back at the younger child is not the most positive way to deal with it.

The older girl should simply refuse to play/participate with the younger child when she resorts to hitting/pushing. The younger child will learn that she will need to play nicely or others won't want to be around her.

Teach the 9 yo to leave the situation.. go to the adult.

Now.. my parents also used to refuse to play the he said/she said game. They wouldn't get in the middle.. so when the older girl goes to the parent and asks to not play with the younger.. that is what happens. No need to go and try to wrangle who threw the first "punch".. it could be a possibililty the older does something sneakily to bait the younger girl too.

You only can react to what you see personally.. for the most part.

I would also not allow the 3 yo to play with them without supervision if he is getting hit randomly.. and when that is seen.. the consequence is swift and firm. (not physical.. but grounded.. sent to bed.. talked to)

Of course it's not the most

Of course it's not the most positive. I am not oblivious nor immune to that realization. It was a last ditch effort to get the physical abuse from the younger sister to stop.

To clarify- All 3 children are my H's bio kids. The middle, 7y/o old girl, is my SD.

The 2 girls share a room. There are currently no other options. So they both don't want to be around each other mostly anyway. They only play nicely together when both of them are in excellent moods and that is rare. Usually younger sis is hellbent on controlling everything, when it was older sis's room "first" anyway. I realize her anger issues probably stem from her life getting flipped six months ago when she came to live with us fulltime. But this is her only option. And we all have to make the best of it.

I discipline them both because her mother is non-existent and I am her only mother-figure. Dad (H) works 99% of the time and only steps in when it's reeeeally bad. And I feel like he handled what happened today very poorly by blaming our oldest.

Has the 7 yo gotten any

Has the 7 yo gotten any counseling? I can see how it might be a very trying situation for EVERYONE.. and a 7YO doesn't have the mental maturity to deal with the crap situation her father created for her. neither do the other two kids deserve the crap situation that he created.

But.. he is working 99% of the time? that is kind of BS that he gets to lay a big ole fart on everyone's life.. then proceed to be absent "99% of the time". Maybe he needs to figure out how to change his work schedule for the time being until things settle down at home? It sounds like you need help with three young kids in the home.. one is the odd man out and seems to be acting out as a result. Does the 9 yo understand and could she be holding it over the younger girl's head in any way? I know you would hope she wouldn't .. but kids can be mean.. not even realizing HOW mean.

She's in therapy.

My daughter isn't holding it over her head.

Ive seen SD with her older brothers on bio mom's side. she hits/kicks at will. They do nothing.

At this point my concern is for my children's wellbeing and theirs alone. I've spent so much time trying to coddle SD to "liking it" here and I'm done.

IT.IS.YOUR.HUSBAND"S

IT.IS.YOUR.HUSBAND"S.RESPONSIBILITY.

Your husband needs to figure out how to be there and parent his child. It's not your job.

TELL.ME.ABOUT.IT.

I can't believe he is ok with

I can't believe he is ok with his children getting beaten up... sheesh.. I'm sorry he isn't being more concerned and helpful.

I will say that as the older kid in the home.. I was always expected to "know better" so my little brother got away with a lot more.

I know our oldest daughter.

I know our oldest daughter. And I know how SD was raised when away from us. 9 y/o is a very soft spoken and timid child with a huge heart. She loves her sister so much. And lil sis just has an evil streak that everyone sees. Even H. Today he ignored that instinct due to the mark 9y/o left on 7y/o's face. I stand by my thought that it was justice well served.

You must be a saint. Your H

You must be a saint. Your H cheated on you and conceived a child. You forgave him and allow the child in your home. Then you have to watch as this child behaves miserably and your H shows favoritism to her. I would have left after the affair. You chose to stay. But now, you need to decide if you can watch this behavior continue. If your H continues to parent this way, it will caise your SD to act out even more and will cause resentment with your bios. You really need to have a talk with H about this disparity in his parenting. If he cant or won't acknowledge the problem, then you need to walk away for the safety and sanity of your bios. Honestly, I am surprised you stayed this long. Your H sounds like an a$$.

Yep. Pretty much sums it up.

Yep. Pretty much sums it up. And he is huge, great big a$$. The hate is strong right now. F@%(

Time to give DH clarity that

Time to give DH clarity that he has to extricate his head from his own ass and take off his shit covered rose colored glasses regarding SD-7.

DD-9 did great IMHO and if SD-7 pulls that shit again DD-9 needs to escalate the retaliation and keep escalating each time SD-7 pulls her crap until the pain makes the proper connection in SD-7's skull between her behavior and the consequences of her behavioral choices.

The message to DH that you deliver needs to be that the 9yo will never be punished for defending herself against the violent attacks of the 7yo and if DH even thinks about punishing the 9yo for defending herself he will find himself on the curb with his violent spawn.

As for attacks on the 3yo... oh hell no. That kid should have ACME BUTT PADDLE indelibly imprinted on her ass for attacking a toddler.

Grrrr.

I hope that you understand that your DH is a big part of the cause of this behavioral crap in SD-7 because he is the refuge she runs to and manipulates in order to avoid consequences for her violent behavior. You need to invoke consequences for SD-7's bevahior even when daddy is buying her manipulative crap.

IMHO of course.

I cried reading this. He

I cried reading this. He makes me feel insane sometimes (Okay, most of the time) and people like you take me down from the ledge.

Jesus christ I'm spent from this shit.

Just one note though - they barely bond. She doesn't cry to him. He just happened to be home and be the one that saw her come in first when I was busy with our toddler. I'm closer to her than he is in reality. It is such a shitty burden.

Another note - unfortunately can't kick either of them out. I probably would have, prior to this.

I am sorry that you have to

I am sorry that you have to deal with this failed partner in your life. I would say that if he is not an active parent all of the time he should not be tolerated to parent at all unless he is the only one home with the kids. And even then you need to give him clear instructions and boundaries for what he is allowed to do regarding parenting.

Absent parents do not get to swoop in out of the blue and play daddy (or mommy).

My wife gave me clarity on this issues when SS-27 was ~12yo. I was working out of state and flew home every Friday afternoon and flew back to my work location on Sunday evening. At the time we had guardianship of my SIL who was 17.

When I would land and they would pick me up at the airport I went into instant dad/active parent mode. It was kind of a weekend parental bombing run every weekend.After a few weeks of this weekend cycle my wife sat me down and explained that she was very capable to parent and adult when I was out of town and I could no longer pop in every weekend and change the balance that she had established regarding parenting.

Though it was frustrating for me, I did agree with her and I started using the weekends as my pleasant time with my family rather than as a two day power parenting excercise (Don't get me started on SIL) and I stepped back and let DW parent on the weekends as well as during the week when I was out of town.

We have had our version of what you are struggling with as far as the bomber parent situation is concerned.