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My stepdaughter is evil and I want nothing to do with her

mamalife's picture

My husband and I have a blended family with five kids. SS (15), SD (13), my DS (14), and the two little ones my husband and I have had together (2 & 3).

I've talked before about my SD and the awful things she's done over the years, from flushing my wedding gift from my husband down the toilet, to crossing out our keepsake with our wedding guests' (a few special people who have since passed away, including my dad and my grandfather) well wishes in black permanent marker, stealing from our house (she'll steal anything, just for the sake of stealing it - from my DS's iPod to cleaning supplies, seriously - and I know this because her brother, my SS, has brought them back to us from their mother's house), being aggressive with her half-brothers, she's even attempted to choke my husband while he was driving - twice. She rarely comes to our house anymore, thank goodness, but the few times she does it is pure hell. 

This lovely child is the clone of her mother in every way, who steals, cheats, lies, believes she's entitled to the best of everything, we've even had to call the police on her multiple times - once for storming into our garage, sitting on my vehicle while yelling at DH and refusing to leave, and another for throwing rocks at our windows (I should note that both times, SD was in her mother's vehicle witnessing everything). The first time I met the ex, she screamed at me in a public place in front of our children that her kids hated me and she threatened me to stay away from them. She cheated on him! I came into the picture two years after they split! I have done nothing wrong! 

I always thought things would get better. The ex surely couldn't stay angry forever. The kids couldn't either. They would learn that I'm a good person and not the kind their mother has made me out to be. For the most part, my SS has come around. But not my SD.

My husband is well aware of his daughter's um, habits - but there's always an excuse. She is developmentally delayed, but not to the point where she wouldn't understand what she has done is wrong. And yes, she lives with her mother the majority of the time, and she's proven to be not a great influence. 

So what I'm getting to now is an incident I have no concrete proof she committed, but given her repeated attempts to steal from and/or hurt me, I can truly think of no one else who would have stooped so low. My SS is a pain sometimes, but he's not diabolical. Anyway, I have my dad's ashes in a box my husband made, on a shelf (out of reach from our little ones) in our living room. When my dad got sick, he felt his life was being stripped away, quite literally. He wasn't able to make decisions for himself. He had his license revoked. My sister and I had to take his medical and credit cards to deal with his health and financial matters. All he asked for was that he could keep his wallet, with $20 in it, so he could "feel like a real person." I've always kept his wallet, with his last $20 in it, on top of his box. 

You know where this is going. I last looked at my dad's wallet a few months ago. We haven't had anyone over since then due to Covid restrictions. It's been our household, with my SD visiting once in that time. I looked at it yesterday and saw that yep, the $20 was gone. Stolen from my late dad's wallet, atop his ashes. 

I have been nothing but kind to SD since the day I met her, despite the things she's done to hurt me. I have cared for her when she's been sick, taken her to appointments, bought her bday and Christmas gifts, always made an effort to include her. I am at the point now where she's crossed so many lines with me, that I can't even stand to look at her picture anymore. I honestly want to remove her smug portrait from the wall where our boys' and other family pictures are, but I know my husband wouldn't be happy about that. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to cut her off completely. I don't want to be involved in her life, I don't want to try to include her, I most definitely don't want to pick her up from school when she's sick or drive her to appointments (which I'm always expected to do as I work from home and have a flexible schedule).

I guess my point in writing this is of course to rant, but to ask what do I do here??? And how do I deal with this intense anger I have for the things she has done to me, despite all the things I've done for her???

advice.only2's picture

Cameras all around the house to record her if she's allowed back in the house. What does your husband do about all of this?  When she was choking him what did he do?  If he really wants to visit with her maybe he needs to start doing that outside of the home, since he's unable to control her.  Thank god she hasn't gotten it into her head to choke your littles yet. 

mamalife's picture

He was on his way to drop her back off at super mom's house when she decided she wanted to go through a drive through. He said no. She reached over and began choking him. He had to pull over to calm her down so he could keep driving safely (one of my young chidren was in the back seat...now none of my kids are ever allowed in the car with her, and they are supervised very closely around her). But it's the same ol, same ol. She's delayed. She's being raised by a terrible influence. It's excuse after excuse. My husband knows his daughter is trouble, and I don't sugar coat my feelings towards her in front of him, but he hardly has a relationship with her thanks to her being alienated from a young age. So when he's away from her for awhile, he thinks of her with these rose colored glasses until she comes to our house and wreaks havoc again. He feels he has no say. She doesn't respect him and it's hard to discipline someone who is rarely around.

CajunMom's picture

I'd tell DH...that was the last straw. It happens...that ONE incident that just does us in. Since she doesn't visit often, I'd opt for DH seeing her outside of the family home. She has proven she's not capable of being a positive part of the family, and while you don't have evidence, civil court DOES operate on circumstantial evidence. If it works for them, it works in my home. 

And although it's not something you should have to do in your own home, if you can't fix that visitation thing, I'd take those ashes and wallet and move them to your LOCKED bedroom. And as above, get cameras. So worth your peace.

 

mamalife's picture

Thank you. I actually go around and lock all our bedrooms and my office when she comes over, as she will go through anything she can and steal. She gets pissed about it and I tell her it's because I don't want her brothers getting into things...I guess at this point I can be honest and say that you don't respect us, you've stolen from us before, but that's guaranteed to create a dramatic response and leave her more determined than ever to do something to hurt us (it's happened). Ugh. I always stress when she comes over and do my best to put away my valuables, sentimental items, etc. but I never thought someone would stoop so low as to steal from my deceased father's wallet on top of his ashes! May as well raid a few cemetaries while we're at it... just awful!

Winterglow's picture

When she gets pissed about the locked doors ask her why she was trying them and ask her what she was looking for. Tell her she had no business snooping. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Exactly. If she's "not doing anything wrong" then it shouldn't bother her ONE bit that you are locking away your items. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

Making excuses for a child like she has developmental issues is a form of enabling. DH is doing SD no favors by excusing her behavior. By doing so he is part of the problem and setting her up to be a dependent adult. 

futurobrillante99's picture

Truth. He's using her disability as an excuse to do nothing. It doesn't exempt him from his responsibility. Scads of people with developmental delays are civilized human beings because they were taught to be.

Kes's picture

Well thank goodness she rarely comes to your house any longer!  Don't bother trying to be kind, it's obviously falling on stony ground.  Tell her straight that the reason everything's locked is her thieving.   Your DH needs to mend his ways too - he's obviously enabling her in her awful behaviour. 

Endgame's picture

Mamalife, before I left stephell 1 1/2 years ago a telephone counsellor asked me
1. Where do you draw the line?
2. Why didn't you take action?
3. Where is the new line?

ExSDthen19 was always given a pass for her selfish behaviour because of her condition of childhood epilepsy. After years of nasty tricks, exSDthen19 secretly filmed me whilst abusing me and calling me a gold digger but she also...

Deliberately prevented my cousin from using the bathroom when we stopped at the house between airport arrival and driving to our cousin's funeral. She timed it to the minute and was aggressive, then refused to answer but turned on loud, radio music. She knew my family had had alot of deaths and this cruel lack of decency made me no longer see her as sharing humanity with me.

I have recent experience of the loss of father and grandfather - there are no words.

My rage went inwards as migraines, misery and feeling like a prisoner of war with no rights. Last night SO broke up with me then said he had finally (after five years) told exSD20 to respect me or stay away. He was also pleased that, although she still refuses to apologise to me, he had arranged a talk between the three of us (without asking me first) - because she has more questions about why I was loud in the bedroom with SO 1 1/2 years ago. Rage suddenly was directed outwards as I named SO's daughter as a piece of sh1t & a b1tch & said I hate her & I don't wish her well but I wish her harm & she needs to be run over by the karma truck...I felt released as I finally told my truth and as if the poisonous cause of my migraines has gone.

I don't know if SO and I can survive this but, if I were you, I would consider your SD13 (mentally eight) has crossed the line, laid the final straw, lost her humanity & I would ban her from the house, pull down her smug photo & completely disengage (no rides, nothing). Know that they become worse & she is dangerous. I would also have considered the line was crossed when she hurt your children, choked DH while he was driving & flushed your wedding jewellery.

mamalife's picture

She's crossed too many lines to count. But this last one, it was not seeing us for months, coming over and having a somewhat normal visit (really), where I went out of my way to make her feel welcome, and having this happen - it wasn't a rageful attempt to get me back for whatever she/her mother was blaming me for, it was a diabolical attempt to strike me where she knew it would hurt. 

I'm sorry for your experience with your SD! And your SO. I feel somewhat resentful towards mine, for the things I've put up with in regards to his ex and daughter. I know he needs to take more of a stand. And realistically I know she's his daughter and he'll always love her, but it gets frustrating when he jumps at any bait she throws at him because she holds all the cards and decides when she'll spend time with him and on what terms. And when she does, it's never without causing harm to me or my family. 

Endgame's picture

**EDITED** Your previous threads say she was violent to your three year old children years ago (so they were babies?!). "she lashed out at my son as I held him". When she found a tool under her car seat & attacked DH with it was he driving? She tried to stab him or blunt object injury?

Your EXSD13 has no impulse control & a violent role model (BM). As she becomes older & stronger I guarantee she will
1. Escalate all her behaviours, including violent. Instead of choking DH while he was driving (with your 3yo DS in the backseat) because he won't buy her takeaway food, she may undo his seatbelt, grab the steering wheel or hand brake
2. Ask your DH if she can move into your stable, clean, calm home (more pleasant environment for her future boyfriend to stay over) & he will say Yes without even consulting you

You asked what to do with all your rage...PLEASE use the shameful desecration of your father's memory to unleash your rage at DH (& EXSD13 if you see her first - punch the shark), ban that ticking, time bomb from your home & find a therapist to guide you - by Zoom or telephone, if you need. One day she will choke your children.
 

Rags's picture

No more pick ups or drop offs of this toxic evil failed family progeny.  Tell DH or BM to call her an Uber.

If this kid's developmental disability is not severe enough for her to discern right from wrong, it is time for you to instruct your DH on what and what will not be tolerated and that she will not be in your home at all unless he is there.  Whether he works or not.  You working from home does not make you the beck and call girl for his toxic failed family progeny.

Stop being on call for the SD.  She has not earned your care and support, and your DH's parenting of her has not earned it either.

Good luck. Take care of the babies.

PokaDotty's picture

At the very least, demand that SD attends therapy or treatment of some kind if her developmental delays are preventing her from "understanding the difference between right and wrong". I'd make this my hill to die on before allowing her back in the house. 

It also sounds like DH could benefit from some parenting classes...