You are here

My step daughter doesn't have consequences or boundries.

cat33's picture

My 10 year old step daughter recently told her mother who then told my husband that she didn't want to come over for the weekend due to not getting along with me. Ive been her step mother for 9 years. During this time her father and bio mother basically have no discipline or consequences for her. My husband and I have a toddler together. The last visit was pretty horrible, it was the weekend of my child's birthday and my SD decided to throw a full on tantrum crying on the floor when we repeadedly asked her to take a break from her phone. Her bio mom and step father gave her an iPhone a couple years ago. During the weekend she ignores us most of the time to watch videos, face time with friends etc. Ignoring her younger sibling. I'e talked to my husband about this and he agrees that my SD should have limited time on the phone. But when she ignores him it pretty much ends there but I am the opposite. In the sense that I will repeatedly ask her to take a break from the phone to spend time with us. Mind you, we don't touch her or the phone. When my tone of voice is stern after this goes on for a while she throws herself on the floor and cried for an hour. Her mother has not set boundares with the phone and when brought up she will not assist other than to say my SD must always have access to her phone. My husband blames me for part of the problem and says I need to work on my relationship with her but I get little to no back up when it comes to having this almost 11 year old clean up her dishes, pick up her trash,clean up her messes. This is getting old. I know this is not all my fault but I dont seem to be getting anywhere.

hellokitty's picture

I would pick my battles. Cleaning up after herself is non negotiable because you're not her maid. She needs to have consequences for that and dh needs to in force it.

 As far as the phone, my SS is the same age and also into his phone. It doesn't bother me. At least he is quiet and not bothering me. This is a battle I would personally not get involved in and let the bio parents handle. But that's just me.

cat33's picture

I pretty much agree with you. However we only see her every couple of weeks, and its usually just for a weekend. I don't mind her being on the phone in general. But she refuses to pay any attention to her sibling who is my daughter and her half sister. My kid is 3 and thinks her big sis is her favorite person. It pretty much breaks my heart to hear my daughter say "sissy sissy" over and over because she misses her and would like to play. I told my husband that 4 hours a day should be enough for a 10 year old to use the phone. 

twoviewpoints's picture

That's twice now in just two postings (the original post and this reply post) you've mention the SD being on phone and not playing with/ giving any attention to the toddler sister. 

While the phone, IMO, would be my 'battle' ... the stupid thing wouldn't get pass my front door unless BM got herself a CO stating the kid must be allowed to have phone on SD's possession and in constant unlimited usage, signed sealed and delivered by a judge.... even if no phone, you can not force the SD to play with the other little girl. 

Yes, right now she just ignores the other child, but if you try to start forcing the SD and/or hand out consequences for failing to play with/give attention to the toddler, SD will quickly develop a nasty hateful resentment towards the toddler that will make you wish you had never instigated the 'bonding' attempt. 

It is a shame SD refuses to give the toddler a bit of time and kindness. It won't be much longer (I'm guessing another 2-3 years) before your own daughter completely stops trying and wants nothing to do with her older sister. It's just right now the tot is at the age she really can't comprehend what a jerk the older girl is and as an innocent toddler still unaware believes everyone who comes over is there to see and play with her (the toddler). 

Your SD is making it pretty clear she wants no part of being bothered by a toddler. She doesn't want any part of being bothered by Dad or you either. Cross her and down on the floor with the over the top hissy fit she goes. Of course she runs home and tells Mom how mean and awful you are. It's you trying to force the stupid phone thing. It's you trying to force the cleaning up after herself. It's all you. 

And you can bet it will be you who Dad eventually blames too. In his male mind, losing his older daughter from his home will be because you just couldn't let the kid be. That's why he doesn't back you up and support what he knows you are right about. Of course this kid needs consequences for her lazy rude behavior. Of course she needs to clean up after herself and be civil and participate in family time. But your husband is afraid of losing his older daughter. Therefore he blindly overlooks her behavior. Sadly this is something we see here on Steptalk all the time. Dads who are 100% scared to correct and properly parent their child because the brat might decide not to come back. 

cat33's picture

I agree with everything you said. I almost want to read it to my husband.

thinkthrice's picture

If your DH doesn't care that her face is buried in the phone than neither should you. BM and DH seem to be content with her not being parented and don't want you to either.   Leave everything up to DH and focus exclusively on your child.

Unfortunately half siblings end up getting used to being ignored by their older siblings.

cat33's picture

So as my husband and I were arguing about this I became frustrated and said fine "I don' care anymore." Sort of deciding to give up, and then my husband said no that' the opposite of what I should do. He said spend more time with my SD. But aside from doing her nails or taking her shopping, she isn't interested in anything else to do with me. And it doesn't hurt my feelings at all, I'm fine with it. But my husband says it' basically my fault. The kid is almost 11 and makes those musicly videos on that musicly app. She's wrapped up in her own thing. But apparently its up to me to engage her even more. But how can I if all she wants to do is be on the darn phone? 

Kes's picture

Whatever is a 10 year old doing with an iPhone, for heaven sake?  The world's gone mad. 

hereiam's picture

Your husband is the one who should be spending more time with her, not you.  He should also be facilitating the relationship between his two daughters. It sounds like he just doesn't want to bother with any parental responsibilities.

Sad, really, because he will still lose her, just in a different way.

marblefawn's picture

I don't necessarily blame the skid for not being on board with a sibling. A lot of full siblings don't like toddlers bugging them all the time. SD didn't ask for a sibling. I say she gets a pass on that. She might come around when your child is older and can really engage with her.

The phone thing makes me crazy -- absolutely crazy. But many adults aren't any better with those stupid phones. They use them in traffic, doctors' offices, while they're walking, at dinner parties...

If your husband isn't willing to set a limit with the phone, I'm not sure what you can do. You might try to sway him by telling him it will only get worse, that she's missing real life to spend time on the phone, etc. But if he's worried he'll lose her, you're sunk. You might try disengaging from her altogether so your expectations (and responsibilities for her) are lower.

Rags's picture

Set and enforce the age appropriate behavioral and performance standards in  your home and hold SD-10 to those standards,  If DH doesn't like how  you parent and discipline then he can step up and get it done before you have to. If he fails to step up then he can bite his tongue and have your back.  His choice.

First... the SmartPhone goes in a locked cabinet as soon as SD-10 arrives for visitation.  She gets it back when she leaves to go back to BM's.  End of cell phone problem.

If she pitches a fit and throws a tantrum like a baby... treat her like a baby. She does into a onezy and a diaper and she can stay in that attire until she grows up and acts her age.  At home, in public, it makes no difference.  Once the flop on the ground break dancing tantrum starts... pick her up, take her to her bed, dump her on the bed and tell her to stay there until she knocks the crap off and acts her age and then hand her the diaper and onezy.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Consistency in the enforcement of behavioral standards drives behavioral compliance. Failure to comply receives escalating application of age appropriate consequences. Make the consequences as painful as they need to be to be effective.  Not necessarily painful as in the application of corporal punishment but... if necessary... go for it.  Just unpleasant enough to drive compliance and behavioral change.  She comply she lives a reasonably pleasant existent. She fails to comply and she lives in a state of abject misery. She exceeds the standards and she receives a pleasant improvement in her usual state of existence.

Keep it simple.

TX2step's picture

You are my hero!

Ispofacto's picture

We filmed SD having a screaming hissy tantrum at age 12 and played it for several people.  She was humiliated, as she should have been.  Now she just silently fumes.

I'd be happy if SD had a phone, she's up my arse all the time.  It's creepy.  Be happy your SD isn't micromanaging you.