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My SD Is Destroying My Family

aankerson's picture

Sad I have been with my husband for over 8 years, and he has had full custody of his daughter the entire time. (She would only see her biological mom when she had time or a need for her. Which was maybe once a month or so.) My SD is now 12 and we have a 6 year old son also. My SD is manipulative, lies about everything, had my DH and I investigated for child abuse six different times now, teaches our son horrible things with behavior and crying over everything, does not do any of her chores, and is also failing sixth grade. SD has told me many times over the years that she hates me, and wants her mom and dad together, etc. Her parents had her when they were seniors in high school, and their relationship was anything but healthy. My SD's mission is to do whatever she has to, to split our family up. (These are her words.) After trying different types of counseling, therapy, and several different behavioral programs, nothing has improved or changed in any way for the better.

What else can we do to prevent our family from being ripped apart? Or am I supposed to continue punishing my husband, son, and myself by living like this???? Please help!!!!

buterfly_2011's picture

There is nothing you can do. It is all up to your DH. If he can't control her and her emotional rollercoaster you will never make it. Because YOU can't do or say anything that will help the situation.

aankerson's picture

Thank you all so much for the input!!!! I appreciate it very much! Shipping her off to BM's is out of the question due to her issues of never having a job, and she is currently "engaged" to a very physically abusive man. (As of today, BM is behind over $30,000 in child support!!!! Yet nothing happens in court bc she has sob story after sob story. That is a whole other battle. smh) DH and I are always a team when it comes to disciplining our kids and backing each other up. SD hates having to do housework, so that is typically involved in her punishments. The first thing we always do is to remove all tv/computer/video game privileges etc. Even during a current punishment period, she still pulls her bs. The worst part is my DH works at night, and sleeps while I work and the kids are at school. (A very goofy rotation, but a majority of the nights it is just the kids and I. On his off nights, he is always very involved.) To be honest, I think the part that is the most frustrating is the effect my SD has on our son. He is very intelligent and learns things very quickly, where my SD is the same, but she would rather "play dumb" so her teachers do not expect too much from her. My SD cries over everything, and sometimes for no reason at all..... she has been like this for the last 4 or 5 years. But now our son does it too! It drives my DH and I absolutely crazy! Sad

silentnites's picture

Well, this might sound harsh, but she needs to go. She has two options, either straighten out her behavior or the two of you can help her find another place to dwell. Sit her down and tell her it stops today. She is running your home.

If it makes you feel any better, there are families that deal with this in which everyone is biological. Sometimes a child has to be removed for the betterment of the rest of the family. Take away everything she owns, enroll her in mandatory tutoring and find an afterschool program for her to be involved in. Is there a Boys and Girls club in your area? The membership dues are cheap, and a mentor outside of the family could be good for her. I would level with her and give her a time frame in which to straighten out.

aankerson's picture

I agree that she does have to go. I think the biggest issue is my DH having the feeling that he is giving up on her, but at the same time, not doing anything is creating more issues for the entire house. I am far from a perfect parent, but I have ALWAYS been very careful not to treat the kids differently. It is no fault of my SD that her BM is useless in every way, and I have gone to extreme levels to try and fill some of that void. The only result is my SD holding a pity party and telling me she hates me. The entertaining part of it all is how ridiculous my SD sounds every time we have child protective services show up at our home, or police officers. The most recent thing was her deciding not to come home after school a couple months ago. We were going insane because she has NEVER done anything like that. To make a long story short, the police officer we were speaking with for a missing persons report, is married to the liaison officer placed at her school, and knows most of the kids my SD hangs out with. After going to each of their homes, my SD was located and returned home. She then tells the officers (right in front of us) that she wants to kill herself because we are so horrible to her. When they asked what we did that was horrible, my SD responds with "They make me do chores!" lmao!!!! The police officers looked right at her and said, "Honey, consider yourself lucky to have parents who care enough to teach you responsibility." My SD never has fabricated stories that make sense or can be told the same way twice, so all of the attention seeking is a big waste of everyone's time.

The icing on the cake: I have a degree in juvenile law and work with troubled children as a profession! Situations like mine are what I deal with all the time, and that is not helping. We are a good, hard working family. My DH and I do not drink or anything. We are all about our family, and this is still the kind of garbage we have to deal with. I do not understand what went wrong....