My new husband doesn’t like my children!
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I have two boys, 8 and 10, and just recently got married. I feel like my new husband doesn’t like my kids. He always seems to find things to complain about when it comes to them. He usually only talks to them to tell them when they are doing something wrong. Is this normal? And how to you help form some type of bond? He tells me I am just being over protective of them and that I will never believe they do anything wrong. I feel like this will never work if they can’t get along. Thank you
Well...ARE they doing
Well...ARE they doing something wrong? Is he calling them out on things that you would call out any other child on?
Stepparents don't have the same tolerance to their stepkids as bioparents do. We don't have that biological compulsion to put on blinders that bioparents have, and it's not something that we can learn over time.
Instead of trying to force a bond, work with your new husband on establishing house rules that you two both agree to enforce. Then set consequences and BOTH of you enforce them. Give your husband responsibility AND authority, require your kids to show him respect, and back up your husband in front of your kids. That bond you're hoping to see is more likely to happen if you support your DH as an equal partner adult in your home and treat your kids as kids.
The advice you have been
The advice you have been given is just right IMHO.
Set the rules, enforced the rules. If you don’t like how your new husband parents and disciplines then you can step up and get it done before he has to.
As equity life partners the two of you are also equity parents to to any children in your home regardless of kid biology.
Pretty much what everyone
Pretty much what everyone else said ^^^ But also, there's a good chance he doesn't DISLIKE your children, but that he's simply frustrated because he feels they are poorly behaved and he feels like he has no power to discipline them. This may mean that you aren't exactly doing a stellar job of disciplining them yourself. Try to look at it objectively- are your kids doing bratty things that you just think are "normal kids stuff", that you just let slide? Things that could possibly be very frustrating for someone who isn't their birth parent?
Ask yourself, how can I parent better, so my husband enjoys being around my kids more. Step-parents are much more likely to like and bond with well-behaved children. It's up to YOU to do that. No "single mom guilt", where you let them get away with murder because you're afraid they won't want to be with you, or you feel bad they are children of divorce. Imagine if you were living in a home with kids who weren't behaving the way you would like them to, but you felt helpless to change it? You probably wouldn't be very loving to them....
This may not even be the case- maybe you are great at discipline and your kids are well-behaved, and he really doesn't like them. This would need a bigger talk. But I would sit him down and ask him to honestly tell you if he doesn't like the kids, or if there is something he doesn't like about the situation...and then LISTEN to him, and change what you can. If he just flat-out doesn't like them, or doesn't like kids in general, this might be a long road for you both....
Are your kids likeable? Do
Are your kids likeable? Do you want your kids to be friends with your 40-something husband? Do you think 40-somethings should have elementary aged friends? What does "get along" mean to you? What topics of conversation do you expect your husband to have with your kids? Do you expect your kids to strike up conversations with your husband or is it all on him to "get along?" What do you do about the things your husband complains about? Do you correct the behaviors he points out or do you defend their messes/backtalk/ignoring him and let it happen again and again?