Hello - I know you love your husband but what he is doing to your son is considered abuse - I don't use that word very lightly either as I was abused from birth until the age of 6 when my wonderful adoptive parents rescued me from hell. Your son should not have to put up with this bullshit and what is very telling is that your husband knows he treats your son badly but can't help himself - hello he is an adult and needs to stop or you need to get out of this relationship. In fact your husband sounds like an asshole and if he really loved you he would get help for this or at least try to figure out why he is being such a jerk to your son.

Think of it this way - if you had a brother or a male friend who treated your son this way how would you handle it - because this is your husband and you claim he loves you then he should be treating your son much better. What is going to happen is your son is going to ask his biodad if he can come and live with him full time and quite frankly I don't blame him. It always breaks my heart when I read these stories where the father is being a jerk to his stepson. Also you say your husband treats you well but he really doesn't or he would treat your son well. You have some hard choices to make because believe me if you don't stand up and protect your son you are going to lose him and really is losing your son worth it?????

I totally agree with Caregiver. Your husband CAN stop what he's doing...he CHOOSES not to. BIG difference. If he did it to all the kids, I'd say go get him tested for some neurological problem, but that's not the case. He is acting like a child, and your children are being harmed. You put them in this situation, it's your job to get them out of it. I know you love your husband, but it's your job to protect your children.

Sounds tough...
The more I experience, hear and read about blended families, the more I believe that some of the problems may be just biological and related to very basic human nature. Seems like stepmoms have the hardest time with stepdaughters and the opposite for Stepdads. There is a competition going on, and some of it may be genetic, almost involuntary. SOME OF IT, so please don't all jump on me. Caring, mature people should be able to see it and overcome this basic reaction to what we perceive as a threat. Some people do and some don't. Being aware of the possibility that part of it is vestigial of primitive competition and survival, may help.
My Dh was in a relationship for several years with his ex. She had a little boy from a previous marriage. From what I hear, even today, the boy never did anything right. Now, my DH is a very fair, level headed person, and I never hear a good thing about his ex SS. He did turn out to have major problems, so maybe it was all legitimate...
I have had pretty big issues with my SD. She tried competing with me and thankfully her dad was able to clearly separate parental love and romantic love. We're ok now, but there will always be issues.
I have had virtually no problems with my SS and my DH has had virtually no problems with my daughter. None of our issues were complicated by bio parents. We have had no PAS, no jealous bio mom etc. So I think our step issues were just that, issues with the kids, not with the ex's.
I know I may be off here, but same sex step parenting is more difficult and evokes problems that may have some genetic "input", for lack of a better word.
Sorry for the long rant that probably is not helpful at all. Maybe considering this possibility and looking into it, could make some of the issues less personal. Maybe your son reminds him of your ex? Maybe the boy resents him and let's him know in ways that are hard for you to catch?

Now, the other issue you bring up, is also dear to me. Your DH's kids noticing and calling him on some of his behavior. My daughter saw and experienced a side of me that she would not have known had she not been around SD and me. Maybe she would have known later in life, that sweet, patient mommy, can also be bitchy, vindictive and hurtful -when pushed to her limit-. I resented that this worst part of me, that I did not even know I had, was brought to the surface. I resented it so much that I blamed SD for it and that made things worse, at times. Now I think that , that part of me is there,not a big part, but a part of me that kicks in when I feel threatened. My daughter seeing this at a fairly early age, was not what I wanted, but it is reality, and she knows all of me, the good, the bad and the ugly and she won't wake up some day and be shocked that I am not all that perfect. She's been learning it and that is real.
What should you do? I hope you can talk openly to your DH and explore all your and his feelings about this. As much as you want to protect your own,. I don't think that talking to them about leaving is a good idea, unless you have decided to to this. It would be too much for them, both a burden and more power than they need.
Good luck to you...try and talk to him about it all, no matter how hard. I don't think you have much to lose by being completely honest.w

I'd tell DH to shut the f*ck up or he can move out. He's being abusive to your son and you're allowing it.

He CAN keep his trap shut. He just doesn't want to.

Please get your son away from that jerk. If you pour DS drink or fix his plate, DH may start in on you for "babying" him.

If a teacher treated your son this way, would you keep him in her class or fight to have him removed?

Please get your son away from that jerk. If you pour DS drink or fix his plate, DH may start in on you for "babying" him.

If a teacher treated your son this way, would you keep him in her class or fight to have him removed?

I have been looking at this site for a while but your problem made me register. Let me tell you what happened in my FOO. My brother couldn't do ANYTHING right in our fathers eyes. And he was a great kid! I also hated witnessing this as does your daughter. Fast forward 20 years, Dad is long dead, brother is well educated and successful in his chosen career, climbed up the ladder w/ no help. He has a very serious suicide attempt, only by the grace of God he survived. Total nervous breakdown brought on by post tramatic stress from our childhood,borderline bi-polar from years of oppressing his feelings, and a monster drinking problem from self medicating.Please, I'm begging you, protect your son from this treatment. My brother is so much better now 13 years after, but it was a long and unbelievabley painful road.And we both have forgiven our Mom,but I just can't bring myself to be close to her, don't trust her with my OWN kids,my brother has a bigger heart than me! Protect him now before there is permanent damage. Our kids HAVE to know that we're the wall between them and people who mean them harm. I know this isn't easy to read but please heed what I say. There are other details too, none of them good.so PLEASE! God bless

where he fully admits he is ruining my son
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
WHAT!?!?! Your DH admits to ruining YOUR CHILD and you are still there? Damn woman...if you won't protect your child, let him go with his dad, or let someone adopt him. DO SOMETHING but stop letting this so called man...ruin your child.

honestly - I understand the thought process of waiting until you're on your feet. Unfortunately, sometimes this can be too late.

Your issue can be boiled down to:

Your DH has negative feelings about your son and acts on them. He behaves childishly and admits it. The situation with your SS14 adn your BS8 was handled in such a way that it promotes future behaviors - when in fact - the situation was violent, abusive and damaging.

Let me set up this scenario for you:

My 8 year old and I go to my friends house with her 2 year old. the 2 year old smacks my son in the face and my son decks him and hold his up by his neck. My friend is going apeshit. I pat my son on the back. She calls the cops. Juvie may be involved because - it should be.

I realize your emotions are probably all over everywhere right now adn you're trying to contain as much as you can to think clearly and not make the wrong decisions.

But as i learned - indecision is worse than the wrong decision a lot of times. Don't let the fear of choosing wrong paralyze you from choosing at all.

You HAVE options. you HAVE choices. Your children's futures adn well being are your responsibility. Love your husband or not - see teh good side of him or not - ultimately, you need the behavior of your DH to stop - either by you leaving or him quitting. That's the only possible solution correct?

Another thing to bear in mind - if the school teachers or counselors get wind of the incident and then hear how your son is being treated, they have an obligation to report. What your SS14 did was and can be considered assault adn battery. Your Dh's behavior? If someone finds out about that, they don't know your DH. They aren't in love with him. They won't make excuses for him. They will just report him. And they should. What is happening (according to you, the mother), is abuse and you should do something to stop it. Period.

Honestly - your kids will not suffer long term from moving to an apt then to a house. A stable temporary home is far better than an unhealthy permanent one, and even more so because you're in it.

myhusbandhatesmyson, How many times do we watch the news and hear about a child being abused in their home, and the mother knew about it the whole time? What is our reaction to those stories? Why in the world would a mother knowingly let her child be abused. I think that's a fairly universal sentiment.

Pretend for a minute that this is not your family we're talking about. Pretend I posted that this is happening in my home. What advice would you give me?

I think I would choose the cardboard box...

My two kids and I lived in a 2 BR duplex. All three of us shared a bedroom. For a year. And that wasn't to escape abuse, that was to be able to have money to do things. Making the sacrifice NOW to get your son out will send him a HUGE message. Waiting until the "time is right" will send the message that he isn't worth your sacrifice. Get out now.

My kids is right,right on the money. Most kids who grow up poor (like me)or have had to struggle at some point, that's just a blip on thier screen , actually it taught me how to be frugal so I can have the great life I have now. But the way our dad treated my brother (as detailed in my earlier post), and the devastation it caused, will haunt me forever. That poor little guy of yours, and I see it through your daughter's eyes because that's the position I was in, trust me you will NOT have the mother/daughter relationship with her that you desire, I have forgiven my mother and I love her to death but will forever see her as a weak enabler, and someone who cannot be trusted with my own kids. I hope this isn't too harsh.It is my truth. I am praying for you and your children.

I have to chime in. I left my DD's BF because he was mean to my older DD, 9, who wasn't his. The day he called her a bitch did it. By then I already realized I was married to an emotional abuser. I tried to work it out but his being mean to my sweetheart was a deal breaker. It still makes me sick and that was twenty years ago. She is fine by the way. So many problems are caused by people treating each other badly. Glad OP brother finally was able to heal. Abuse is never helpful and is not the same thing as discipline.

Hi myhusbandhatesmyson,

I know what your husband is doing is wrong and abusive. Don’t take me the wrong way I am not excusing his behavior. If you want to help him try to find out what’s causing him to be this way.

Does your son disrespect your husband smart of to him etc..and if so do you allow it?

Do you pick at his children?

Something is making your hubby resent your son..find out what it is..

I started to resent my stepdaughter that lived with us after I noticed my wife picking at my kids when they came over then I resorted to childish behavior and picked at my wife’s daughter. I finally caught myself and stopped because I love my wife and don’t want to lose her.. I try to be very nice and loving to her daughter even though my wife does not treat my kids well.. basically she has nothing to do with them but I refuse to reciprocate this to her daughter... See why your hubby does treats him wrong something might provoke him. Treat his kids with love and see if he changes..

I registered for this site because of your story. I really hope you took action for your little boy. I am 24 years old. I had an emotionally abusive step father who was very hard on me, my brother and sister. Unfortunately, our bio dad was not around. He had no other option but to deal with it. My Mother dated him for a few years before they married I met him when I was 5- they married when I was 9. My world turned upside down. My mother didnt make much money then, but was supporting the three of us. Our lives where much happier then. My mother and I were so close. My step father would throw a fit if my mother bought us necessities like clothing and food. He called me nasty names as a child.I was kicked out before I turned 18. I have forgiven my mother for not being a protecting mother. He has even cheated on her, and she still says.. not for money either. She makes over 100k now.. I know when I have children of my own they will never be allowed to be with them alone. I have already decided that. Thats my mothers life now, not mine. She can stay in that hell if she wants to. I wont subject myself or children to the torture. Your son will do the same to you, if you don't protect him as a child. Shame on you.

The more I read comments to your post...the more I feel bad for you son. At first I thought like another read that perhaps you are not looking what you son is really doing..but after reading when your SS14 picked up you son by the throat???? I would have taken myself and my kids out of this situation a long time ago. You must talk to your husand and give him examples of what he is doing to your son..perhaps do it intentionally to your SSs, if he gets upset or anything..try to make him see that you are only doing what he has been doing to your son. Have you ever tried to talk to your husband about this? To your son? Together..get it out in the open...I have similar problems when my SD13 would say I would always pick on her..which i don't think i was...we sat down said what we had to say..while DH listening..and hugged it out..she understood it was nothing with bad intent to make her feel less. I hope you find a solution to your problem

We went through that. I told my sons: this is your challenge to become an amazing man. If stepdad says something- do it! It will make you a stronger man. You compensate later by spending Lovie-Time with your own kids, hugs, kisses, reading time, praise them for being great people! Tell them stepdad is a simple man that cares enough to want them to become great people. I tell my kids: don't focus on what " they" do or say-do whatever it takes to become stronger people that glorify our Real Parent - GOD!

I'm 23 years old and I have two little boys one is 2 and the other is 3 this situation is between my 3 year old and my bf & my self (he's dad to the 2 year old ) so I had my first child when I was 21 and I was with this guy we had a lot in common we clicked and than he had this odd behavior he was turning more abusive and I was scared so we got into a big fight later on that he even said sorry I'm acting this way and I'm Gona leave so I don't do no more harm so he packed his stuff and he left that day of the fight so I was mad w.e so I was on fb and I went on adding my ex bf which was at the time ( rewind 5 years ago) me and my certin bf "babydaddy" father to the 2 year old we have and at that time the times we had we're so good and fun we had a lot of fun and we never fough or argue at all for a while he was a completely different person he was so happy and always jolly (probably cause he was younger idk) . So okay so where I left of so We talked and I was like remensin about the times we had between and him I came straight forward that I have a baby and he was all nice and stuff and we were seeing each other as friends and we starting to like get into each other again and then I fell into a massive black hole he's littearly like heated my head with positive things about him taking care of me and my son and he's Gona be the best dad ever to him and so he showed it we was good and than we got very serious like damn blaming my self why we broke. Up and then I got pregnant he started to provide for us than when my son was born everything changed he stop paying mind to my other son and I'm like ok he's excited he's a dad and bonding and than it got worst he started to point out what my toddler does wrong and he don't say nothing about our son like his happends all the time that I feel bad but I don't punish my son for what he's doing wrong just cause he's saying and he would point out what our son would do like doing something cute or something smart something and now that my son is in preschool he's gets good comments from the teacher and I would tell him and he won't even praise him or say good job he would have a blank look like he don't care but when it comes to our son he's jumping of excitement and it gets me sad cause if I wouldn't wana be left out and I see my son reaction and it gets to me that now he isint important now I love my children to death I'll do anything for them to be happy and it came to a point that him and I get into so many fights cause he always provoking me and one day I lost it cause so many crap he said to me blaming me for everything and he tries to blame my son for it but he says it in many forms so he don't put him in it but obviously it is about my son and he would like scream at me and threaten me he checks me up on me on social medias and he links my text Msgs with his to see if I texting people and he actually blocked every single friend I have and he took away my computer my iPad I had recently bought for my son and he had blocked the Internet and recently he unlocked the Internet so I would have a lil freedom I got into a deep depression and I. Had a lot of stuff bottled up that one day we got had gotten to a very bad fight that my kids where in my scene and I was so MAD that it came out I attacked him of anger and he called the police on me and he had my finger nail dna on him and I got arrested and it was the first time I got arrested and it's odd for me to even get into a very big problem and I was in a cell for 24 hours for something that he should've get arrested .. For Harssing me and doing all that and the cops believe everything he said and w.e it happend we cooled off then we started off again than I controlled my self still am and for act I will do it again if he lands his hands on my sons I wana leave him so bad like I'm so tired of him and his negativity and controlling my life I cry a lot everything and he' don't wana let go and he don't wana leave when o kick him out I'm feeling forced into this relationship I really care for my son all I wanted is a role model for my son and his biological father is not in his life cause he's too busy raising his new baby which I don't have anything against that and he like don't wana be in his life at all I don't know why probably cause of my certin baby daddy and I'm scared and I don't want my son hating me for anything in the future and I'm certin that I can raise them by my self and I work by the way and mymom baby sits them for me and non of my baby dads help me out at all .. I'm stuck in the mistake of a relation and I don't regret my son or the memories of him being a baby . Or anything just them . Can someone help me out on some advice I really feel stuck .. I need some light in the dark tunnel I'm in

I know this post is is from 2011, so I hope you're still getting these comments. I have a very similar problem and my son is about the same age as yours. He's now 14, but he has known my husband since he was 4. I'm just wondering how things are going with you? Ive,dealt with the same struggles as you, but my husband and I have 3 children together, so me leaving never seemed a number 1 option. We did counseling, etc. I'm just trying to wait until my son turns 18 to see if it'll be better between the two.
Thank you for your reply!

I know this post is is from 2011, so I hope you're still getting these comments. I have a very similar problem and my son is about the same age as yours. He's now 14, but he has known my husband since he was 4. I'm just wondering how things are going with you? Ive,dealt with the same struggles as you, but my husband and I have 3 children together, so me leaving never seemed a number 1 option. We did counseling, etc. I'm just trying to wait until my son turns 18 to see if it'll be better between the two.
Thank you for your reply!

Really?

Why, exactly, do you allow this asshole in your life? Why are you serving your own children up on the alter of Skid martyrdom to your asshole husband?

"But I looovvveee him....." is a shit excuse for letting him emotionally abuse your children. Listen to your daughter. She is the adult in this situation. Listen to your SSs as well. Even they see how much of a POS thier own father is.

Pull you head out and get this asshole out of the lives of your children. Please.

Until then you need to be all over him like stink on the shit that he is by continually pointing our how he is ignoring the identical issues with his children while harping constantly on your children.  Make sure he is clear that he either fixes this crap instantly or he is history. Then make it happen.

Paragraphs and white space please. The giant blocks of text costs your readers.

Never mind.  A vampire post that has arrisen from the grave of history.