You are here

My Choices: Single or Step Parent? Advice or thoughts?

thisisnofun's picture

Hi, everyone.

Like most folks here I am struggling with having a partner who has kids with someone else...In my tormenting and greatly resented situation, I became pregnant somewhat early in a relationship with a man with a 2 yo kid with someone who is pretty messed up (clinically - not just situationally) during their custody battle. This means that all sorts of nasty stuff was going on early in the courtship, where I already have enormous amounts of issues related to childhood trauma that this all then becomes linked up to. Other not fun bonuses include me not being able to sleep when the kid is around because he doesn't always sleep through the night so I end up 7 mos pregnant on the living room floor hoping to get more than 4 hrs of sleep, etc. (My baby daddy feels super entitled about quickly imposing his child in my life and doesn't necessarily have rock star parenting skills even though he tries.) So where we are now is that I really resent him, the kid, the ex, and having my only choices be being a single parent or feeling stepped on and bad about having a kid with someone with a kid. And I don't want to call anything too quickly for the sake of my baby (marriage or break up).

I am hoping to hear about how others may have dealt with similar situations: How have your feelings changed once having your own kid? Has anyone heard of a father changing towards their pre-existing kid once their is a new one? Has anyone felt the way I feel and then been able to move on from it to a happier family? Has anyone had any non-traditional situations (like not living with the father when the stepkids are around) that work out?

I really wish that having my own kid wasn't so caught up in this nonsense!

Thanks for your thoughts.

IceQueen's picture

My hubby used to be disney-dad. He separated from his ex when she was prego, so he really didn't know how to be a parent.

When we had kids he had to be a real every day parent. It is exhausting. The dif is that he can be a real dad with our kids, teaching them what he wants, doing what he wants, without an ex-bitch screaming in his ear at every turn.

So, the more she bitches, the less he wants to be involved. And trust me, a BM who no longer has control will bitch.

Lalena75's picture

I honestly can say I wished I'd of raised my kids a single parent instead of staying with my exh. I don't deal so much with the step issue because I've chosen from day one to make sutr SOs kids remain his responsibility I help when I feel like it and say no when I don't I don't even justify my no that just opens it up to him thking I'm negotiatable. Maybe a little selfish but I'm the one working paying the bills going to school and raising my own kids. In 30 days I may be back to single mom agaun and I'm ok with that but I ain't married to him and never signed on to support him AND his kids. Being able to ve happu raising your kids and not feeling used and resentful are kinda important to a healthy life.

thisisnofun's picture

Thanks everyone. The whole relationship minus the first month has been non-stop boundary setting and talking and trying to make some sort of configuration feel ok. After the BMs series of having police show up where we we had been staying I had them stay at their family's and not give the ex the new address. The good part is that I have totally buffered myself from being effectible by her behavior. What I haven't figured out is how to feel respected in my space and how to deal with the shifts that end up taking over my life when it is our time. I have really strong boundaries around what counts as my responsibilities (nothing re partners son) but have not found ways to not feel taken over and stepped on...it's so weird when people say things like "you knew what you were getting into"...how would anyone know how messed up this stuff really is?

jennaspace's picture

I think it will be good for you to try to make it work for your child. We have a four year old together and it has helped us start a new life. My H has adult kids though which I know is very different from your situation.