My 3 year old SD takes all my time and energy
This is ny first time here. I am in desperate need of advice and just need to vent a little. I have twio daughters ages 19 and 14. About a year and a half ago I separated from their father and jumped into a new relationship rather fast. Please understand that me and my kids father we basically roommates for years before we split. So back to the new relationship. He also has two daughters, ages 10 and 4. So yes our kids are very different in age which is already challenging. My daughters grew up pretty stable and set in their ways. They have their own rooms. My 19 is very antisocial and a huge gamer who just minds her own business and keeps to herself. Times are hard so I haven't pushed for her to move out. She is my first born and a great child. I've never had problems with her. My 14 is pretty outgoing and very social. She says how she feels and is a huge help around the house. She can be challenging at times, but she is a good child for the most part. So when I jumped into this new relationship I ended up moving out with my bf. He had just moved into a house and welcomed me and my girls with open arms. They had their own room when they came over to visit. His 10 year old had her own room and the 3 year old normally slept with us. This went on for 9 months. I was grateful for what he offered us but somehow inside I was miserable. Mostly because my kids were at home with their dad more than with me. And I was the bad guy because I left. Fast forward. My kids dad ended up having health issues and couldn't keep the home we raised the girls in, so I offered to take over with my bf. Their dad agreed and moved in with his family. Now we are back at my home which is a tiny 3 bedroom. So my new bf pushed the issue that if he came with me, my kids would have to share a room and his kids could have the other. Mind you not, his 3 year old we only have from Friday night till Monday morning. Then she goes back with mom. And his 10 year old, who is from a different relationship also goes back and forth between us and her mom. So basically my kids are pissed because they gave up their space and the room for his daughters and the room is empty 50 percent of the time. My 14 year old spends a lot of time in the living room now because she feels like she is crowding her older sister. Well my bf hates her being on the couch all day into the night. Which I do understand. But when I try to explain to him that she was just trying to have her own space, he finds every reason to start a huge argument with me. This has been going on for over s month . M6 daughter starts high school in a week and I feel bad forcing her into a small room all the time with no privacy. I feel like my bf wants me to always choose him over her in every situation that has arised and it's causing my daughter to pull away from me. I shouldn't have to choose between them but at this point I really don't know what to do. I feel so mentally drained from the bad vibes between them. I know most people might suggest my oldest moving out but it's not possible right now.
Any thoughts or suggestions I'm open and ready to listen
I'm going to ask a weird
I'm going to ask a weird question:
In percentage, how much of your time w/ your BF and his kids is happy, nonstressed?
If it's less than 75% - 85% would it be a good idea to maintain seperate households and "date" ?
Honestly we are all stressed
Honestly we are all stressed out majority of the time. Especially on the weekends when his 3 year old comes. She loves her dad so much, but when he is busy she is attached to my hip literally. This is another reason my kids feel the way they do. Because I give a lot of time and energy to his daughters. They are younger and love attention of course. He unfortunately gave up his house to stay with me. He was just renting of course. He has no family in town and is in between jobs at the moment. So it would be difficult. We agreed it would help financially if we left his house and went to mine because the rent was a lot more reasonable. But now that I'm looking back we should have really put more thought into this.
You already said that you
You already said that you rushed things a bit in starting this relationship so it is either time to pull back and live separately while your kids are still at home or go all in and get a house that meets the needs of all members of your current household. It will be sad to leave the home your kids were brought up in, but it is no longer big enough for your needs.
A temporary measure is letting one of your girls sleep and hang out in the younger kids room when it is otherwise empty. Not ideal, but it gives her a little privacy some of the time.
A bigger home is definitely
A bigger home is definitely the goal. I just hope we can make it that long. I have suggested to my 14 year old to go in the other room when it's not being used but for some odd reason she won't. She acts likes it's cursed or something. She would rather be on the couch when she is inside. I'm having the hardest time with her out of everyone. She feels really bitter about the whole situation. And he is no help. He has no idea how teenagers are.
How serious?
How serious is this relationship? I know you said it's early days. But the bottom line is: for things to work out 1) he needs a job and then 2) you need a bigger house.
The relationship is pretty
The relationship is pretty serious. We definitely want marriage in the future. But yes he needs to be a provider. Him not working adds stress to everything. And delays us moving into a larger home. He has a pat time job but it's not enough. Yet he still wants all the respect and control.
Respect and control…
"Him not working adds stress to everything. And delays us moving into a larger home. He has a pat time job but it's not enough. Yet he still wants all the respect and control."
He brought 2 kids from 2 BMs, no money, and a boatload of stress. He hasn't earned it.
If he only has one part time job, then he needs to get another
If he only has one part time job, then he needs to get another part time job until he can get a full time job. And he needs to take complete care of his 3 year old when she is there as she is there to see him, not you. Honestly, I see red flags all over the place with this guy. Your best bet would be to separate and just date until he gets his life together. In the meantime, he needs to step up and take care of his kids when they are with you.
He shouldn't get "all the respect and control" even if he was working full time. In a partnership, neither partner gets all the control all of the time. Have you considered some therapy for yourself to help you figure out what went wrong in your last relationship and what you should look for in a healthy one? Because this relationship does not sound healthy.
And I am with your 14 year old, I wouldn't want to spend time in another kid's room either.
Yeah I get it. Why would she
Yeah I get it. Why would she go back into a room she got kicked out of. I try not to take sides but my daughter is pretty good at making her point and I'm not mad at her. Yes I agree a ton of red flags. But also this is not a perfect world and a good relationship is almost unheard of. My last relationship was my kids father and I was with him from the age of 18 until a a few years ago. We are still friends. There is no bad feelings between us. We just grew apart. He worked nights and slept most of the day so it was challenging. We stayed together because it worked. But I got lonely and forgot what it felt like to be in a relationship. So we agreed it would be best to just explore other options. My new relationship happened fast and yes that is my fault. I'm getting old er and just wanted to find love with someone who wanted the same family values as I did. I have faith we can make this work out but my kids come before anyone and I need them yo be happy and supportive. I guess I was just wondering if anyone has gone through something similar or am I the odd one out.
It is perfectly ok to take sides when your kid is being treated
It is perfectly ok to take sides when your kid is being treated unfairly. You need to be the advocate for your daughter. While I don't advocate that "kids always come first," their feelings do matter and in this case you need to stand up for your daughter.
And you are not the odd one out, we have plenty of people on this site who have rushed in to new relationships. Most don't work out, but some do. The ones that do work do so because both partners realize the issues that arise when they have not done the work it takes to get over a past relationship and figure out how to make a new one work.
I know you understand that this relationship happened because this guy payed a whole lot more attention to you than your ex did and that initial rush was great. What is happening now is the reality of life is setting in. We have also had people on this site who chose to stay together but live separately until their kids were grown and that worked for them.
Live separately until the
Live separately until the girls are older, he is a successful single parent and YOU are a successful single parent. Rushing into a new relationship fast is a recipe for disaster. You haven't even had time to evaluate your former marriage and take those lessons and put them into practice. He's taking advantage of you and your good nature.
DH and I rushed. We ended up separated for 18 months a few years in. Looking back we each needed that time to work on ourselves after our divorces before we could come back together. Just celebrated 17 years married earlier this year. Don't sell yourself short by not being " single"for awhile.
Also your daughters are watching you. What kind of relationship messages are you sending ? Do they match what you would tell them?
If your man is determined to make it work with you then he should be able to see the wisdom in slowing things down and each of you handling your baggage first before combining families again. Setting up a situation for resentment in the girls will not make life going forward easy.
Plenty of people have good
Plenty of people have good relationships. Good does not mean perfect. But it does mean a relationship where problems can be talked about together and compromises found and adjusted further if they don't work. It means respect for both partners and appreciation that relationships take more than just "love" to work.
A bigger home would be
A bigger home would be helpful. But I can see him wanting his children to feel like they also have a room in the home.
Hopefully your adult daughter will be moving out on her own soon since that is part of the squeeze too.
Is there a way to allow your daughter to use the other room when his two kids aren't there?
Miss, Your boyfriend is "in
Miss, Your boyfriend is "in between jobs" ....How is HE supporting his kids? Are YOU the sole supporter?
How is HE paying rent? Child support if there is an order? . Who is paying his health and car insurance? The Childrens healthcare? Food? ALL the other bills adults have, Are YOU the one who is supporting HIS and bm's family?
Reality is YOU are supporting your bf & his former whatever's, kids. AND, you are an unpaid nanny,
Your own kids are suffering, and yet, there you are, day dreaming about a larger place to live with BOYFRIEND, because SURELY that will resolve everything, right?
WRONG
Miss, re-think this relationship and put your bio kids first. "BF" needs to grow UP, get a full time job and support his bm's and his kids. Tell him it is YOU not him, tell him your kids are YOUR top priority, not his kids.
Do you not believe you deserve better?
I agree, get your kids out of
I agree, get your kids out of this shitshow. If anyone has to leave because there isn't enough room for your boyfriend and his kids, it's them, not your daughter. 19 or not. It's the principle. This guy isn't pulling his (considerable) weight.
This sounds awful. It's not
This sounds awful. It's not working. Time to back step & think outside the box. You are paying the bills; what are you getting out of this relationship?
Your kids need to have their own rooms or they are going to be resentful. His are weekend kids and you can make do... Block off and Separate a part or all of the living room or dining room or Camping with Dad in the backyard. As a more permanent solution - Maybe fix up the basement or attic & move one of the older kids.
I agree with semi fan..
I agree with semi fan..
Boyfriend can run out and buy a pull out sofa for the living room....oh wait, he can't
HE DOES NOT HAVE A---- J. O. B.
If he rather sleep with his DD then you
You have a problem. He doesn't understand the whold kid adult relationship. There a time at night where kids 4 yo goes to sleep in there own bed and it becomes adult play time. Once these lines get blurry you get into problems. Move out let BF get his life in order like a real job with benefits. Major medical ect. Before you go back
Imagine your daughters in therapy 10 yrs from now:
"So, we had pretty good childhoods, until one day mom decided she wanted some excitement, and long story short, she up and left for this dude with a bunch of different baby mamas, whose kids we got replaced by for her, since she had them on her hip at all times when they were dumped with him. Then dad got very sick and had to move out to be nursed by his family, and we missed him a lot. Especially because then mom decided that our home was good enough, after all, and she could even tolerate us, as long as we give up our space for her unemployed boyfriend and his brood.
We have never really had a major fight, but we don't really talk to her anymore".