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Mother will never hold any children to any type of responsible behavior .

coach911's picture

I am so exhausted & ready to quit ! My wife has been doing this forever. I have three stepdaughters & a stepson. Correction I have 1 stepdaughter , two daughters & two sons. I adopted three of my step children & one step daughter that did not want to be adopted. I also am the legal guardian of a 17 year boy for 10 years & been married for 15 years. My step kids at the time were age ranges 2-10 at the time. The boy being two & oldest daughter being 10. The girls grew up some with the bio so was a bit of resentment from the beginning. I'm really the only father my son has known. I never wanted the role of discipline & tried my best not to be that person. But shorty after marriage , I quickly picked up on my wife s not wanting or really have a judgement on what was the difference in totally being blinded for any misgivings or severe wrongs done by any of the kids. My only things I tried to do was maintain a little respect & require simple things . Like school and not doing drugs or drinking. The father is a total zero . Never had a job , never a bit of support . Visits were few & usually intoxicated when he did. Talking about a guy would try and burrow money from his kids & maybe give an IOU for a birthday or Christmas . So not any help. Never said any of these things two the kids or put him down to kids. But just tried to be supportive and say I love you & stand by them when they need it. The events started early and often , trickled down from girl to girl & has never changed. Two of the three refuse to put effort in two school or homework , every responsible given to them was destroyed . Ect. Examples would be 4 & 5 hundred dollar cell phone bills skipping school , running away. Dropping out school . Every attempt at speaking to my wife has gone on deaf ears and cause huge relationship problems. Her reasoning would be . Hey I was a c or d student & you made plenty of mistakes as a teenager. Boyfriends were the worst possible choices . Criminal records , dropouts . Every physically abusive. Third daughter was very over weight and had social problems. Made up pregnancy stories to friends & school admin. Now the boy . Until 9 th grade was a pretty average kid. Loved me & excelled in school & sports . Around 9th grade , started spending more time with sisters and cuz's and began experimenting with weed. I noticed it right away & tried to bring it to wife's attention , mostly got he denies it & I need to trust him. The smoking got worse. But thankful remained engaged in sports. Now is a senior and has few college offers to take up except ..... Got himself in major legal trouble & dealing with it , hopefully ! He has been smoking for the last four years & my wife would never accept it till its too late . I was the bad guy then for not trusting & being mean. The daughters syndrome has never stopped. Vicious circle. The move home every 5 to six months till they find another loser to move to the city with until they lose everything they have & get dumped & move back home. Then stay home long enough to have them get them a new car & the next loser comes along. My wife's only answer to this is that are making mistakes & should allow them to just keep using us till the next ride. I'm so done , I just can never get my wife to see that that have to learn from mistakes sometimes & pull them selfs up. Literally is going on 4 & 6 times of moving back home. Oldest is 24 now lives with a drug dealer who hits her. Next one just spents 5 months at home went to one semester of college & started to go to second till boyfriend got arrested. Now she's tells taking back to city. Pawned everything she has & is living with boyfriend and few others. Tried to tell wife to tell her. If she allows her to do this , I want her to know she can't come back home win the blows up in 6 months & she has lost everything again. Reply was " I can't believe you" so mean & judgmental. You act line you never make a mistake. No wonder you don't have a good relationship with her. She's 23 & this is 4th time. Am I insane ?? I'm starting to feel like I'm , because I am being made to feel it. The relationship now is terrible with wife. And I just don't know what to do anymore ! Whew !!! First time I've spilled my guts about this & I'm desperately looking for someone to tell me I'm not crazy & some advice

psychout's picture

You are NOT crazy! Wow what a tough situation to be in and kudos to you for adopting and taking on so much in the beginning. Parenting is never easy but to take on the role when not the bio is really tough. Especially when the useless tool of a dad is the star in the daughters eyes.

Tough for me to give advice since I am new to the stepparent thing, but your wife and you need to be on a united front when it comes to the girls making tough decisions with negative outcomes then expecting you to rescue time and time again... Counselling might help for your wife and you since you have demonstrated dedication to the kids, regardless of the challenges. Tough love for the girls is due!! But you and your wife need to support each other through this.

Good luck!!

Orange County Ca's picture

So where do you keep the white horse and shiny armour?

Don't feel bad I've been there with a disasterous ending also.

First end the boomarang people. Whatever you have to do end it. If Mommy lets them return call the police as peace keepers and you put their stuff on the street. Your wife may have the right to let them in and you can't man handle them out but you can toss their stuff.

Your wife isn't going to get counseling as long as she thinks you're the problem. I guess you can go alone and hope that in a few sessions she'll agree to come along out of curiosity. After 3 sessions if she's been invited and doesn't show drop the whole thing as a waste of money. You don't need help she does.

Then the final option. Without mentioning divorce tell your wife you just can't take this anymore and you'll have to find another place to live. When the day comes that she can tell her kids to fend for themselves you'll be back.

Explain a legal seperation where your finances are seperated but the marriage remains legally intact and if she actually lets you go file for that.

oldone's picture

I have a SS in his late 20s who has been on this path.

Multiple rehabs, apartments, furniture, etc. Ends up on the street with nothing yet again.

I've only been on the scene a few years but he is not allowed in our home to spend even one night. I don't care if he is on the street.

He's managed to hold a job for about six months and has a place to live. I don't know what his future holds - just that I will never participate in enabling him.

coach911's picture

Thank you all so much. I will take notice of the great advice of the endless babbling ! Lol but thank you outtahere , you hit it right on the head. I don't really speak to anyone about my kids, step & even the adopted one . He is actually a great kid , so didn't even put him in there at all. Although , my wife has no problem holding him to the fire for anything. Of course he isn't her bio.

I just started to put it out there last night & couldn't stop. Felt wonderful !!! Thank you again for your help. I really was starting to feel like I was the problem. Almost brainwashed myself after so much repletion. I think at this point , I think I know the answer is know already , just facing it. Psyc , Cheri & Orangecounty , very nice of all of you to say. We tried professional help .....think 3 visits & she didn't wanna go back. Didn't like what she was hearing. I'm no knight , that's 4 sure !!!

I was a SS & know how I felt, so I offer to adopt them to reassure them I wasn't going anywhere & was prepared to be there ( I thought anyways). Really went in thinking logic & love would work !! Lol just fear stoping me now I think, regrettably. I wish I could say I love them all but honestly , can't stand to be in the same zip code now. But the relationship has gotten so bad, wife acts 90% like she hates me for being so hard on the kids. Rarely intimate , and I know I'm gonna sound terrible here but , the intimacy part is mostly because of me now.... I know, I know . Might be hard to understand but she is the one that is always wanting "alone time" I just can't stop the feeling I have when she constantly tells me how terrible of a dad & so negative with the skids . I just don't feel it. Not crazy , I do still let those feelings go once in a while when it's been a bit too long. If you all wanna take the not crazy judgements back now , I guess that's called for!

Does that make me wrong ? Sometimes I think I know that it's gotten useless to salvage but I battle so bad with myself. I mean the girls are terrible and no changes gonna take place anytime soon, but is that their fault ? As you pointed out , she has just enabled them to what they have become & if I don't stay and try to battle to get them to see the light, aren't I just giving up on them ? After I promised to be there ???
Still have a tiny part that thinks & hopes that it will get better & maturity will rear it's head at some point !I still just guessing !! Thank you all sooo much !! This is the sanest I've felt in years thanks to u guys

coach911's picture

So true ditzyblnd, that's my exact thought after what she says , I can't understand why she would even wanna share a bed with me. Of course that is how she finishes the insult now , blah, blah , blah skids & you don't even wanna sleep with me ! Lol never thought I would have a thought of not wanting to give her the satisfaction. Nooo not that type but satisfaction like I'm gonna listen to being told how wrong I am with the kids & I'm selfish . It's not like those things that are said are gone. Starting to believe she onlys wants the company so she feels wanted . Does that make any sense.

The obsticle now is the youngest my son /SS 17 & the other adopted son 18 , which is not bio to either. Both high school seniors . Really the only two I have a bond & love with . The are transitioning to college, weighing scholarships. Just feel like I'm letting them down if I don't at least stay till they are off to school. Thought 6,7 more months would be no problem. But has it become to toxic that its the opposite & damaging ! Wow this is so .....cathartic . Still not sure how I feel about admitting that I'm turning down sex , lol

coach911's picture

Well you have surmised exactly outtahere, there is the rub. Heart to hearts are over rated at this point. She is not moving from her point. I have to say, she isn't completely the monster I think I've made her to be. She just has a very distorted view of parenting. I pretty much have disengaged, I have to. It's way to degrading to stay engaged. The communication has gone for a while, not on just this issue. Her way of communication is yelling or talking over me. Like I said thou , she has good qualities , I recently had to take my Dad in & she does most of the caring for him. She is the one that said we should take him in & that was an unselfish act. But she throws it in my face everyday.

I am at the line where I stay and at least get the boys off to school and just live as another person taking up space or just leaving. The adopted son that isn't bio to either of us, see's it all and has remarked to me that if I leave , he wants to go with me ! Kids are pretty perceptive. But all of you know how hard that is. Your life becomes so entangled , how do you make that move ?? Myself & my Adopted, taking care of my Dad . It will kill me to leave my other boy , the SS, who is really my son now also adoption. Her bio. I'm in my 40's and starting over with huge baggage I'd say. Again I'm so frighten how she would handle him & like I mentioned in the first post, he just got himself in trouble & needs guidance now more than ever. I really wanna see him pull out of this & get to play College football , but I know she will not make the right choices. I know your thinking its not my problem. But I've been with the boy since age 2 & he is the only one of her bio's that I love & have a father son bond with. I just don't see a choice here that ends well, except for me just putting up with it & as you said disengaging . What else do you do ???

coach911's picture

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