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Monster-in-Law in cahoots with BM

laughterandtears's picture

Oh boy, I am ready to throw a fit about this one. My MIL (mother in law) came over this morning to visit the kids. She only lives 20 min away so why she can't pick them up is beyond me. While she was here, the first thing she disapproved of was my house. It wasn't white glove clean, you see. My things were not arranged to her liking and I actually let the kids play in living room. It's about 9:30am on a sunday morning and *gasp* the kids are still in their PJ's. So she asked the kids to go to their room to play so she could talk to "your stepmother" GRRRR, I hate when she rubs it in my face. Anyway,she proceeds to tell me that she has talked to the BM and she thinks the BM has a right to visit my son. WHAT!?!? This is my biological son and that sick demented bitch will not get anywhere near him. Her reasoning? I raise her kids and so she should be able to raise mine. THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!! I am beside myself with rage at her suggestion. What would yo do in this situation? Aside from the fact that the BM has no rights to my son and therefor cannot force me to allow visitaton, how do I deal with MIL thinking she has the right to decide where my son goes? He may be her grandson but that is where the train stops. This is one of many things she has done to undermine my role as BM, SM and Wife. I am about sick of it and when my husband talk to her about it she claims to have no memory of any such thing.

Realist's picture

Honestly, her suggestion is ludicrous. So ludicrous in fact that it doesn't even warrant any further angst on your part.

I think you should arrange a meeting with your DH and MIL without the kids around and set some new perametres with regards to discussing:
a) visiting (whether MIL's unannounced visits are going to work if it causes conflict)
b) MIL's comments about the BM of your skids (you don't want to hear BM's name - if she chooses to continue her relationship with BM that's her business and has nothing to do with you
c) You are ADULTS and will make your own decisions whether MIL or BM like it or not
d) Your children have no connection to BM whatsoever and if MIL chooses to discuss your Bio children with the ex wife, then MIL will be precluded from confidential "family" information which you do not want "shared" without your consent.

I think you need to speak to your husband quickly before the situation escalates. She is his mother and guys (in my experience) go limp when it comes to dealing with their mothers - usually ignoring the issue is the favourite method! But he needs to know why you are angry.

These things usually blow over and can actually be positive from the perspective of setting boundaries moving forward.

Put the onus back on MIL to be accountable for her acions and comments. Too many MIL's think they can say and do what they like by virtue of their position as parent of your spouse. They need to know that they have raised their child, their job is done and you will do your own job too.

Good luck and keep us posted


spitfire99's picture

Hey, get one of those voice activated tape recorders!! The next time she starts in on you, just record it....then when she denies it, whip it out & play it...she'll shut up & storm off!! Solves 2 problems at once!! Or you could even tell her when she starts in on you.."Just a minute, I want to get my tape recorder, so when you forget what you are about to say to me and deny it to your son, I can re-play it"...she will back off & it will tweak her to no end. The MIL's hated the EX when they were married to their "son" aka the prince, but now the BM walks on water...what gives with that?

Realist's picture

these MIL's are terrified of losing contact with their grandkids. The new wife becomes the "problem" so that there is a common meeting ground between the MIL and BM. This gets them a VIP pass with the BM to the kids.

It's kind of like the US and Russian alliance teaming up against common enemy Germany during WW11. They wouldn't normally be allies but......Once the common enemy was defeated, we saw what happened to that relationship - the cold war!!!! Smile

I like your idea about the tape recorder. In Australia it's illegal to tape someone without their consent - but I like the idea of saying to MIL "Wait, are you going to discuss ex wife, skids or BM? If so, wait, I need to record this because last time I couldn't believe my ears!This way, we can ALL listen to make sure we are ALL clear about where you stand" Smile

laughterandtears's picture

I love all of your responses. Thank you. In my case, the MIL can't use the excuse of being terrified of losing contact with her grandkids because DH and I have full custody of all but one and BM doesn't allow ANYONE to see the SD because then we would have enough fire power to gain full custody of her too. It makes sense though, that MIL's feel they need to take sides. I have done the tape recorder bit and she has accused me of "doctoring" it to suit my needs. I told her I was flattered that she thought me so intelligent as well as organized enough to find the time to do it. Usually I do laugh it off but I think it was more the principle of it than the words themselves. Your right afterall, the BM has no rights to my son and the MIL cannot tell me what to do with him. Again thank you ladies, just knowing that there other women out there who share the same trials and tribulations and think along the same line as I do helps to feel a little less chaotic.

Love all my kids.

septembers_child's picture

What?? Oh my gosh!! As monsterous as my current monster in law is she would NEVER dare go there! Your step kids BM has no rights to visitation with YOUR child...And further more, this is soooo totally and completely not your Mother in laws business!!

First of all, my mother in law tried exactly three times. to come by our house unnannounced and unexpected, so she could "inspect" things and hopefully find something wrong. I keep an immaculant house so much to her dismay she couldn't fine anything wrong their..I am sure she was also disppointed that she didn't find me beating on her "princess" or strining her up by her toes or anything...No abuse.. I am sure that really bummed her out.

It's been a pet peeve of mine and a basic rule that people don't come by my house unexpected. To just show up on someones door step, is the heighth of rudeness and a violation of another persons space and privacy. My own mother doesn't come by my house with out calling first.

So I made my in laws aware of that. And when they would just pop by anyway I wouldn't answer the door. Or if DH was home I would tell him they didn't call first and if you let them come in..You and your daughter need to move out of MY HOME if your not willing to respect the way I do things in my home.. I am not going to have my home invaded constently with or by YOUR family.

You MIL needs to be put in her place..I would tell her that its none of her business and that their is no reason for her to come by when HER SON is not home..If she wants to see the step kids your DH can take them to HER house or she can see them at the BM's..And if she can't respect you and comes to your house to "inspect it for herself and BM" then she wouldn't be welcome into or at my house AT ALL..

I threw my mother in law out of my house five years ago for that very reason. When they wanted to visit with DH, they were welcome to travel to the state that we lived, get a hotel, (all of which was at their own expense) where DH could go vist and spend time with THEM..They were not welcome to our home and I didn't see them...

You don't have to put up with that womans crap..and if you don't make it clear to her that your not going's only gonna get worse..

laughterandtears's picture

I now have a note on my door that says two things, 1) If you didn't call first, go home. 2) If you did call first then make yourself at home... Clean my kitchen. She knew better than to say a thing like that, she wanted to get a rise out of me. I have told her to call first and she does, but even if she doesn't get an answer, she shows up anyway. Normally I would not have answered the door like I have not many times in the past, but I happened to be outside when she pulled up. Baby started screaming and when I went in to get him, she followed. I then told her we needed to get somethng straight, if she calls and doesn't recieve an answer, it is because I have enough to deal with without adding her to the mix.
The BM, at this point, isn't allowed (by court order) to see the SS's and DH is gone a week at a time. Or longer. I try to let the kids see her for their sake but I put my foot down when she came by because she thinks I should be on her schedule and I disagree. She wanted to take the SS's and I told her that if she couldn't make plans in advance then it wasn't going to happen, not to mention that she also has a grandson who is 9 months old that needs to get to know her if she hopes to spend any time with him when he gets older because I certaintly will not allow my baby to go with a stranger. Needless to say, this pissed her off and she called my husband at work. He calls me and is laughing, telling me to just ignore her if she comes over like that again. Love all my kids.