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Misses hates my son and won’t see her background isn’t helping

FrustratedDad78's picture

A complex one...any advice hugely appreciated.

 

i have two gorgeous kids with a lady I met four years ago. Nothing hidden; the first was a mistake but I chose to do the right thing and stay with her despite having reservations about the relationship after four months. 
 

I also have a 9 year old from a previous. His mum and I have always remained on pretty good terms and to ensure he was happy and balanced. there were a few warning signs early on that my new lady might have issues with him but I thought they would go away when she got to know him- he is a good kid with a heart of gold.

sadly they got worse when our first child arrived and now three years down the line giving me ultimatums that if I don't cut back my time with him even more, we will have to break up. Oh, I should stress at this point, he never comes to stay anymore as she was so unpleasant to him, so now I have to go down there. This makes her even more resentful as it impinges on our 'family time'. 
 

She had a very traumatic childhood and was not treated well by older half siblings and after her dad died when she was ten, her mum failed her epically. The problem is, she is now so defensive she won't listen to the councillor we are seeing and tells her she is wrong in that she has to be accepting to a 9 year old.

 FWIW, the 9 year old adores his little half siblings and they adore him.  He has never been anything but respectful to his 'step-mum' yet she has failed to reciprocate anything beyond one sentence answers. Never asked him a thing, never hugged him, high fived etc. 
 

any help hugely appreciated as at my utter wits end. 

tog redux's picture

OK - so, are you expecting her to watch your son when he's over? Cook and clean for him, pick up after him, etc? You have used nothing but glowing terms for your kids - gorgeous, good, heart of gold, but no 9-year-old is perfect, are there issues when he visits that are frustrating to her? Do you change and spend all your time indulging him when he's around?

Just asking, because those are the things that often frustrate stepparents and make them not want their stepkids around. If you can honestly say that he's a good kid, you parent him appropriately and don't ask her to parent him, cook for him or clean up after him, and you don't turn into an indulgent parent when he's around - then the issue may indeed by with her.

Winterglow's picture

What exactly is her beef with your son? What is the reason she's giving for asking you to cut back on your time with him? It's my opinion that she's being totally unreasonable. She was unpleasant to a child to make him hate visiting?! Who does that to a child? That is appalling! She doesn't want him in her home and yet she doesn't want you visiting him either? So, in other words, she wants to pretend he doesn't exist (through no fault of his) and wants you to do the same? She's giving you ultimatums about reducing your time with your child - you realize she won't stop at that, don't you? She's going to carry on with her ultimatums until she cuts you off from him entirely. Only, I get the impression that you're not going to let that happen So why not give her what she wants and break up with her? See a lawyer about custody and child support before mentioning it to her. You might as well know exactly where you stand, legally, before going any further.

Whose home is it that you live in? Does she work? No offence intended but ... was the second child an "oops" too? If it was, beware of there being a third one soon if she thinks that gives her more leverage. Sorry to be so cynical.

Rouge20's picture

If the partners of the people on this forum came on here, I'm sure this would be the kind of post they'd make about their kids that are manipulative, problematic, and sometimes even violent little trolls. Unless you list her specific complaints, you won't likely get much help on here. Based on what you've listed it makes it sound like she's unreasonable, but normal people can be made unreasonable if they are put in unreasonable situations. Here are some specific questions:

1. What are her complaints?
2. What incident led to him not coming over?
3. How does his mom react to or treat her? Do they have contact?
4. Do you parent him, or let him do whatever he wants at the house?
5. Are you the one to cook and clean when he's there?
6. Does he have any behavioural issues? If so, are they addressed? By who?
7. Does he act differently towards her when you aren't in the room?
8. If there are issues with him do you back her up or side with a child?
9. Do you discipline him, and does he have consequences for his actions if they are not acceptable?
10. Do you have expectations for him when he is at the house?

These are the questions to answer if you really want help.

DHsfamilyfromhell's picture

“She has failed to reciprocate beyond one sentence  answers”......

If that has always been the case then why are you with her?

If that wasn’t always the case, I think it may be possible that your partner ‘disengaged’ at a certain point, and you may need to try and find out the situation for what it is rather than what you assume it to be. 

Ps of course your partner won’t listen to you or the counsellor if you both bully her - maybe your partner would like counselling on her own. Just because one counsellor agrees with YOU - doesn’t make you right, especially if you haven’t given an accurate picture. 

SeeYouNever's picture

I don't get along with my SD and we barely interact. We're basically ambivalent to each other. 

However there are lines I don't cross and no stepparent should (unless in extreme cases)

She should not be outwardly cruel or negative to the child .

She shouldnt try to limit your time with him 

She shouldn't try to interfere with the sibling relationships

It sounds like she resents the fact that your son exists. If you guys are going to a counselor together you might suggest she go to one on her own. A different one, that's is trying to help just her, that you have never talked to. She might have some ptsd from her own past that is clouding what she's doing in your family. 

When a counselor sides with one spouse (even if they are in the right) the other spouse can feel ganged up on and resent the whole process then they will dig into their position even more. This is why I suggest she have her own counselor to see solo. 

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I think maybe OP ghosted us! But, OP, if you are still there, without knowing any details, here is something to consider - people have much less tolerance for annoying or problematic behavior if the perpetrator is not their own child. Someone unrelated likely doesn't see all your kids as "gorgeous." I'm not saying your kid or kids have problematic behavior, but i'm saying that if they do, you may be blind to it. Also, a lot of non custodial parents change when their kid is around and tend to indulge the child and ignore those around them. If you have done this to your SO, imagine the hurt and rejection she felt, and it was directly related to the presence of your child.

Also, what is your child's mother like? What is your relationship with her like? Do you talk to her or text her a lot? Do you spend time with her other than quickly exchanging the child? Do you fear her and feel you have to make concessions to keep the peace? Is she the "other woman" in your life and it's all related to your son?

Idk. You have given no details so i'm just making suggestions on how this situation may be other than your current SO is just a wicked, mentally damaged woman who hates your precious angel for no reason. If she is just straight up evil and crazy, you may want to consider stopping having babies with her and separating.  

lieutenant_dad's picture

If my partner referred to me as "the lady I met four years ago" while lavishly talking about his kids, and also only stayed with me out of obligation to the children he knocked me up with, I likely wouldn't be real interested in investing my time and energy into much of anything related to his life that didn't directly impact me.

If you want her to act like a loving member of thw family who doesn't show animosity toward your son, then you have to treat her better than as a breeder of your mutual kids. 

Delilah's picture

you may well have valid concerns over how your OH treats your ds9 however I am sceptical that she is the only and main problem in this stepparenting problem! the fact remains you are quite derisive in your description of her and while you might be frustrated and hurt over these issues why did you proceed to remain with her after the first child was born (mistake that conception may have been) yet you had another with her?!! where is your accountability? you saw how she was yet you had TWO kids with her? yeah my eyes are rolling so hard they fell out of my ar*s!

Kee-khe's picture

Honestly, if you're not here to try to better understand your wife, but to complain about her behavior ( which may be justified) and praise your golden prior spawn, I really don't see what you're doing here.

shamds's picture

You realize this isn’t a natural thing to hug children who are not yours or related to you?? Its also selfish for you to expect this of her...

i have never hugged my skids and never would because they have such appalling disrespectful behaviour.

 

Rags's picture

Time to tell your DW to grow T-F up.  Her crappy child hood has nothing to do with your 9yo son.

Inform DW that your son will visit his father and siblings on the CO'd schedule and if she does not like it she can leave the home while your son is there so you and your younger children can have all of have quality time together free of her toxic whiney infantile crap.  DW can have her time with your joint kids when your son is with his mother.

Generally I am not one to advise that a SO not be the priority, but... infantile rediculous crap from an SO should not be tolerated any more than crappy kid behavior or the crappy manipulative behavior of an X.

With the emotional and mental instability your DW seems to show, I would be documenting the crap out of it in order to be able to gain custody of your children if she does not make and maintain contact with reasonable adult behavior.

IMHO of course.

What is truly sad and pathetic is that your 9yo apparently is more grown up and more of an adult than your DW is. If your 9yo was rude, nasty and unpleasant with your DW my advice would be a bit different.  Taking your description of his behavior towards your DW on face value as well as your description of her behavior, she is the problem.

Take care of all of your kids. Protect them all from your unstable whack job of a bride.  Your young kids see how their mom behaves towards their older brother as well as her other behavioral crap.