Maybe another perspective?
Hello all, and thanks for reading if you are here.
Its been almost 12 years since I married my spouse and when i first married I was hesistant at first but I did it anyway because I had just gotten out of a prior relationship with the parent of my child.
Fast forward now, I am currently not working and have no social life and I feel dependent on my spouse for just about everything.
I dont like feeling that way but at this point Im not sure how to get out of the "pit." My spouse has one son from another relationship and although things are not horrible between me and my spouse's son (because I disengaged a long time ago) I dont see things developing into the way I would want or expect them to.
I think about leaving or divorce but the thought of starting over, rebuilding finances, and reviving my social life (friends, etc) seems a bit overwhelming at times.
Any thoughts are welcome guys.
Thanks.
How would it go over if you
How would it go over if you started working part time? Do you have a degree? Could you take some online classes to freshen up your skills?
Twelve years is a long break... are you worried about retirement? Does your husband have a retirement account?
I havent been off an entire
I havent been off an entire 12 years. Ive been working on and off during that time.. The longest "stint" has been 3 years though. Its hard to explain but the reason my work history has been that way is because of my relationship with my spouse and being a step parent. It has affected my life in so many ways i cant explain. I had planned to leave the relationship after I quit my last job but as I mentioned, the thought of finances keep my "paralyzed."
I have a degree. I do worry about retirement... Yes there is a retirement account but again I dont like feeling dependent on the efforts of my spouse...
Oh... I get it. I wouldn't
Oh... I get it. I wouldn't want to feel dependant either. Some will say it's "our money" and such... until there is a disagreement..
My formerSO "didn't want me to work" and tried like hell to guilt me into not working. Kept a VERY tight reign on spending despite always claiming "partnership". I guess partnership was only with my savings and time he wanted me to waste with his feral monster of a kid.
He was not a homeowner, ZERO retirement, despite a very good salary and extremely low rental costs, because he spent like mad on his 2 kids. He wanted me to sell my house and add the funds to "shared money" and just "not worry about retirement - he would handle it".
It was an extreme case of bait and switch for me...
My advice is to get back to work ASAP. There are a lot of work from home positions (at least until COVID clears up some..), would that help? Could you move in with parents or siblings for a bit until you have your feet under you?
I hear the undertones of unhappiness and worry... You have wasted 12 years trying.. it's not working. Time to try something else!
I got into that same rut... I
I got into that same rut... I got my degree this year and started working though. So I'm slowly building the strength and the finances to leave. My husband is extremely narcissistic and disrespectful and it hurts me to think of all that I've given up just to Serve his needs and his 2 daughters. No friends. Estranged family. Nobody to even vent to, which brought me here. While I was unemployed and working on my degree, he poorly managed our finances, which kept me in a constant state of stress (along with his disrespect) Yet has the nerve to feel like he did me a favor by not pressuring me to work... even though we were always broke, I was always worried. I took care of our child and helped with his 2 daughters and still got my degree... while he just worked and avoided paying bills til the very last minute and stacked up debt. I'm so over it now. I can't wait to reclaim my life. I hope you can too.
Life is not something to be
Life is not something to be suffered, it is something to be enjoyed. If your situation is one of suffering, then get on with a new life adventure and commit to yourself that YOU will live well. Living well is both the most direct path to a happy life, and the best revenge against those who have detracted from your life.
While I have never been one to gravitate to divorce, the greatest gift my adulterous whore of an XW ever gave me was filing for divorce. I fought a losing battle to salvage that marriage nearly from the wedding night. When She dropped the D card for the last time, I told her to go file. I should have had the cahones to file but.... I was not interested in being the one who threw in the towel on a marriage. As soon as I told her to go file she burst into tears and cried about me not fighting for her. I gave her clarity that I was the only one who had ever fought for our marriage and I was now done. It took 5mos from that point to put a fork in that nightmare but... finally it was over.
I have never looked back and not once have I regretted that divorce. I have regretted the marriage, but not the divorce.
Life has been incredible for the 30+ years since the divorce was final.
I sold my company, completed engineering school, married and have made a life with my reason to smile (26 years ago), finished Grad school, raised a great young man as my own (SS-28), owned beautiful homes, worked and lived all over the world (US, Asia, the ME, Africa, Europe) and had some amazing adventures with the people I love and who love me.
Since the divorce the adulterous XW, has at least two additional marriages, has three all out of wedlock children by two different men (two are cheat babies), got nailed in a civil suit against her family by the owner of the company my XMIL's federal felony embezzlement conviction was for. The Civil suit nailed everyone in the XIL clan except for my XBIL who left shortly after my divorce was final. My XW's share of the law suit liability was $2Mil. I dodged a major bullet with that divorce. All of the felonious drama unfolded 19 years after the divorce was final.
Her life went down the crapper and mine has been amazing.
So, do not suffer through your life. Rip the Band-Aid off and get on to your newest life adventure.
Take care of you and live well.