Married my true love, blended our families, now divorcing
Will keep it brief, but I was divorced for 6 years and finally met the love of my life in 2013. We dated for 2 years, married and have been together since. She has a 10D and 8S, I have a 15S and 12D. Unfortuantely, we went into the blending blindly. In hindsight, we should have gone to pre-marriage counseling for us and the kids. We thought we were prepared, but were not.
The kids got along good for the most part, with some squabbles and name calling between the two girls. Her S has ADHD, which was hard for me to handle at times. Fast forward to January 2020 and my wife tells me she wants to separate due to her D not being fully loved by my two kids. Her D is a good kid, but emotional. Also my wife says she was never able to make the connection she wanted with my BD (who can be stand offish, but not a bad child by any means).
Wife said she loves me, I am the love of her life, but she needs to put her kids first and be the mom they deserve. We did argue some, but never had any major blowouts. I don't handle stress well and lashed out at her at times (verbally only) and have apologized profusely for that. She had a temper too and would get verbal at times, but we always made up (or so I thought). Funny thing is we just bought an older house and did a lot of remodeling and now will never get to live together in it.
So I think it's a combination of some of my actions and my kids for her, but I don't think it warrants a divorce. I am totally lost. I have suggested couples counseling, but she thinks we're past that (she did suggest it in the past and stupid me refused). She has moved out and is talking like there is zero chance of reconciliation.
From everything I read, I should go NC, correct? I have no plans to date, but instead will focus all of my attention on my kids. She said she has no plans to date either and I am fairly confident there is no 3rd party involved (her friends and family would disown her).
Thanks for reading and any thoughts would be appreciated.
Well, without more
Well, without more information (ie, her point of view) it's really hard to know. Sounds like regardless of what you think, she is done, so moving on with no contact sounds right to me.
Thanks for the comments. I
Thanks for the comments. I can't really convey what she thinks, but tried my best based on our many discussions. I do think she still loves me, just not our blended family. Perhaps space is what she needs. Either way, I'm preparing for the worst and praying for the best.
I think that blending with
I think that blending with kids on both sides and at those ages would be hard. You guys could still go to counseling, still date, live separately.
Ideally, we want to live with who we love but sometimes that's not possible.
Funny you mention living
Funny you mention living apart. She floated that idea a month ago and I said no. I partially thought she was joking, but at the time, I was also trying to get her to come home. I have thought more about it and it might be the best of both worlds. She can focus on her kids, I can focus on mine...we can hang out when the kids are with their others parents. We will (most likely) be empty nesters in 10 short years. I mentioned it last night and she smiled, but didn't discuss it further.
So, she suggested counseling
So, she suggested counseling in the past and you said, "No." She had also floated the idea of living apart, and you said, "No."
Now that she's left, you're open to these ideas? She may feel like it's too little, too late.
Yeah, I wonder about this too
Yeah, I wonder about this too. That's exactly how I felt when I finally left my ex. I'd asked for changes, counseiling, etc. and he wouldn't do it. Oh, he'd "try" for a time, but always back to where we started because that's "just the way he is."
The whole story changed when I finally left. Promises, gifts, flowers, etc. He wasn't willing to do anything serious when I hurt, but when HE hurt, that's a different story. Too late. Because "that's the way I am."
Don't know enough about the backstory in this case, but DW knew things were bad and asked for help and changes, to no avail.
Seconding this. My XH was the
Seconding this. My XH was the same. I begged for him to talk to me, begged for him to help me change things, begged for counseling. He didn't want to do any of it until I finally left. Then it was "I'm an atheist but praying to God every night that you'll come back", and literally on his hands and knees begging me to come home and promising me babies, a savings account, a house, etc, and bringing me gifts (specifically a $10 orchid that died within two weeks).
I told myself that if I had to get to the point that I left to get him to even consider changing - not even doing anything, just saying he would do it - that it wasn't worth it anymore. I wasn't going to move out every time I wanted to talk about our relationship or future.
Three replies in a roll and I
Three replies in a roll and I appreciate the brutal honesty from each of you. She didn't plead for counseling, but did mention it several times throughout the year and I still didn't listen. I guess I'm like most guys...have to be hit by a Mack truck for it finally to register. Ironic that it took coming to this site for my eyes to be FULLY opened to my true failure to listen. Thanks again...I really do take the comments to heart.
If I were older and had more
If I were older and had more life experience, and more failed relationships behind me, I wouldn't have begged/pleaded. I would have asked calmly as many times as I felt necessary, then just said "it's not working anymore, I'm out".
The message doesn't have to be delivered through tears and snotty sobs for it to be important. OP, if that is the gauge you are using to measure how serious a request is, I encourage you to work on that part of yourself. Volatility isn't the scale by which a request should be measured. Being asked should be enough.
Focusing on the empty nest scenario is deluding yourself
The issues between the children and your marriage are not going to disappear once they move out believe me. My step daughters have never even lived with us and are both in their forties. The younger one always has been the alpha female and is embedded securely between us. We have had 20 years of turmoil, my partner talks the talk but unfortunately is unable to boundary their interference. We are both retired now and should be having the time of our lives. Sadly the only resolution to a spineless dad is for me to move on. We went to couples counselling, counselling apart. But no way will he ever see his princess is toxic. According to him there is always someone different coercing her into badbehavior. Delusional!!!
Wow, I am so sorry you are
Wow, I am so sorry you are going through that. I agree...you deserve to be enjoying your golden years. Fortuately, my DW and I were on the same page when it came to discipline. Unfortunately, other blending issues got in the way.
Once one person checks out
Once one person checks out fully, your marriage is over. Unfortunately it sounds as if your wife has checked out. I think that saying that she has to focus on her kids is a cover up for something else-- if what you are saying is true. Blending doesn't happen easily for many families, it is adjustment on all parties. You might never fully blend and even if you do- siblings fight! A lot! So if she was looking for an easy button and found out that marriage, especially marriage where kids are already involved, is hard and wants out... well it is probably better to cut your losses and move on.
Thanks for your comments. I
Thanks for your comments. I'm sure there is more...like how we argued and how I lashed out verbally when stressed. She wants to remain friends, so I have to take her reasons to at face value. But you are 100% correct...blending is hard and I think she expected it to be easier. She looks at her sister's kids...biological and absolute angels...as an example of how siblings should act, which isn't fair. And moving on it is....however tough the initial part of the road is.
Maybe go see a therapist on
Maybe go see a therapist on your own. Do it off your own back so that you can work things out for yourself. Show your wife that you are taking concrete actions and not just finally saying things that you think she wants to hear. If the worst comes to the worst and she does want to move on then the therapist can help you through the divorce and help you see how to have better relationship skills for next time.
Sadly not all relationships work out. Adding extra issues (kids, ex's) always complicates things.
Don't forget to focus on your own kids too during this time.
I actually have a counseling
I actually have a counseling appointment tomorrow and feel really good about it. I'm doing it for myself...to be able to learn from my mistakes and move on. But I would be lying if I didn't admit a part of me was hoping my wife would see how serious I'm taking this and want to go counseling together (but not pinning my hopes on that). Great advice...thanks!
Know this is not going to help
But there is a major age difference between the kids. 8 yo and a 15 and 12 yo are different worlds. The only ones close in in age are the two girls st 10 and12. There is something wrong with your DW. A 15 yo is not going to love a 10 yo. And the two girls are fighting for control. of the home.
You are not going to have a marriage, if your DW is letting her DD control her. Your SD won
Thanks, I needed to hear that
Thanks, I needed to hear that from someone else. I have thought the same thing since my DW and I started talking about separation/divorce. Kids argue and fight...it's a part of being a kid. And you are spot on about my SD....she's a sweet kid but inadvertently it was me vs her vying for #1 position in my DW's eyes and I lost.
I really appreciate your
I really appreciate your comments. I'll be the first to admit I made mistakes. I completely agree I underestimated how it was affecting my SD when my DW first mentioned it. My daughter would call her stupid, but my SD would come back with words of her own. It rolled off my daughter, but affected my SD.
Something I may have not mentioned...my daughter has been tainted by her mom/my ex, who didn't want my daughter to truly bond with my DW. My ex has always been controlling when it comes to our kids. So her telling my daughter "that's not your mom....you don't have to listen to her, etc"....would have been the norm. But when my DW moved out in January, I had many conversations with my daughter and even my ex and was seeing a positive change in my daughter.
My SD is over-sensitive, but that's not a bad thing and I don't blame her. Kids are kids and all kids have different personalities. I love her dearly and we have really developed a special bond. My daughter is overweight, so I'm all too familiar about how comments can affect a child. I admit I was just a little slow to come around and see it as it pertained to my SD.
Your last two paragraphs are spot on. I was not the DH I should have been during those times and am where I am now partially due to that. Luckily, the kids never saw it, but I was 100% wrong nonetheless. I discussed this with my doctor in January and am on a prescription for stress that seems to be working really week.
Again, your comments are much appreciated. I'n new to this group and can't believe the replies and suggestions I have received.
She moved out. You have the
She moved out. You have the house.
Play your own strategy. Do not play hers. As painful as this is, stay focused on orotecting yourself and your own children.
That's the goal now..control
That's the goal now..control what I can control. I start counseling tomorrow to work on myself. And will throw myself into my children now as well.
Be careful with "throwing
Be careful with "throwing yourself into your children". Yes, be a good dad. Be active in their lives. Be a model for how you want them to have future relationships- BUT ALSO, do things for you. Be selfish sometimes. Let them see you doing self care. Get a babysitter (or if they can be left alone) and go out-- even if it is to the movies by yourself.
When kids live in divorced houses they expect that when they are with whatever parent they are with that the world revolves around them. They are the only thing that matters. You have to show them that yes, they are important but life is a balance. If you ever want to be in another relationship start training your kids now that they will have to sit back and wait sometimes.
Kids are our 1st responsibility in life. Your marriage should be your #1 priority. It is about you knowing the difference and teaching them so that they have healthy relationships in the future as well.
Very good advice...thank you.
Very good advice...thank you. I do need to use this time to let them know marriages come first and are not disposable. I do not want them to repeat my mistakes as they get older.
From what I've observed and
From what I've observed and from experience, the biggest hurdle that divorced/separated individuals who had children have is that they can not accept the pure fact that nobody in the whole world is going to "fully love" their kids but themselves.
Honestly and truly, after continuing to live step-life, I could never - ever bring myself to drag someone into the situation where they are expected to interact with any brat that isn't their own. It's shameful.