You are here

Marriages,kids,and priorities !!!!

SebringLad's picture

Seems to me some parents want it both ways !!!

Case 1 Husband and/or wife always come first,kids are secondary.
Case 2 No kids trump 2nd husband and any skids involved !!

Well,it's one or the other,correct ???
OR,am i missing something ????

dledden's picture

I love my husband to death, but if I had to make the choice between HIM or my BIOS, there'd be no question, BIOS would be the choice.

However, since I don't have to choose, It can be BOTH ways you listed above, depending on the scenario.
Example: my kid has a dentist appt and all of a sudden my husband is crouched over with chest pain...OBVIOUSLY HUBBY is going to come before kid. Example 2: kid is sick, hubby wants to have sex...KID comes first....example 3: everyone comes before skid. that's dad's job!

StickAFork's picture

It all depends on how you define "come first."
My DH is my partner. I love him with all my heart, and in a totally different way than I love my children.
When it comes to parenting, I decide what's best for my kids.
I will never be the mother who chooses a man "over" her children...sending them away because DH doesn't like them, or something like that. EVER.
I don't try to make it about one or the other, though. It's really a balance, it depends on circumstances, and I won't please everyone all of the time. Smile

BSgoinon's picture

We just had this conversation last week on here... A lot of interesting POV's.

I think for me, it boiled down to DH is my first priority, Kids are my first responsibility.

pissedoff205's picture

I also love your saying, "DH is my first priority, Kids are my first responsibility". Great way to look at my marriage. Thanks

WTHDISUF's picture

In a traditional marriage where no steps are involved, I think Spouses come first, for the benefit of the kids. (This is in a healthy situation; not to include abusive, traumatic situation in which a Bio-Father or Bio-Mother is a detriment to their own kids in which case the Sane parent must put the kids first).

In a step situation, it depends on the situation. The kids could be damaged and need more attention initially depending on how the divorce was handled or how the other Parent behaves. (Personally, I don't think a newly divorced person should not seek to date when they still have household upheaval in which kids and Ex-spouse battles aren't settled yet). If all is well in that regard, it should be a spouse first deal because whether with the BioParent or not, the kids still need to see a solid, healthy relationship example. Just because their own parents weren't right for each other or whatever doesn't mean they can't still see a healthy relationship in a new marriage situation. It benefits them to be in a safe, structured loving environment and that is not possible if a spouse is always pushed to the background for the wants of the kids. (I say 'wants' because of course the NEEDS of a child will have to be met as part of the parental responsibility, no matter what.) A happy new spouse WANTS to be a good impact to the kids, not the enemy. An unhappy, ignored spouse will just be resentful and feel left out and that's not going to lead to anything good. I maintain that it's the BioParents who create the big issues.

The trouble comes when a Parent feels guilty and can't determine boundaries or needs from frivolous or manipulative wants. The adults should always be leaders of the home and all too often it turns out that the kids become the lead and they know when they have that power and so do the Ex's so it can get really messy and before long, NO ONE's best interests are first. Likewise, a Step-Parent who wants to Lord over children, control their relationships with their Parent and be the ubiquitous ass is not someone who should come first. Shouldn't even marry someone like that b/c while we're all pretty wonderful on here, we know some Step Parents are asswipes. Blum 3

So ideally to me, Spouse first in either situation if it's a healthy situation. Otherwise, play it by situation.

pissedoff205's picture

I love every word that came out of your mouth on this post. I put my DH first and kids second. I also like the "The trouble comes when a Parent feels guilty and can't determine boundaries or needs from frivolous or manipulative wants. The adults should always be leaders of the home and all too often it turns out that the kids become the lead and they know when they have that power". My 20 yr old SD knows she has that power. My DH,1st marriage and single parent, doesnt see that I am the woman of the house, HIS WIFE. He tries to put us both on the same level. When I first met him he was washing all the clothes, folding hers and putting them on her bed, working 4-12hour days, cooking, cleaning and doing it all. She was just sleeping all day and baby sitting his ex-GF's grandkids that have no legal ties to him and came along after their breakup. I wish DH would make me first and then kid second. He treats me like a child sometimes and gives her controll. After the blow up she and I had and he just sat there and let her talk to me any kind of way, it damaged my heart for him. I understand that it was just them for a while but my two bio kids dont act like that. I guess cause she is a girl. I dont know but DH needs to prioritize his life. She dont work and he doesnt seem to want to make her but complains about us saving money. Not so she can spend mine. lol But if DH was to see me biblically as his equal and back me up with the house rules then we could live happily ever after.

pissedoff205's picture

Love it!!!! My 20 yrs old SD has tooooo much say so in our home to not contribute to crap. She wont even was a dish. Has spent one night in our home since she and I had the big blow out last month. He allows her to run in and our of OUR home when she want but we set a time for her to come in. She comes in by that time and leaves before 11:00 pm. She goes to school for cosmotology. I cant wait to see if she finishes. DH gave her a car, buys her gas, clothes, personals, food, pays her cell bill and all of it. He even use to wash and fold her clothes. Talking about daddy's little girl. Let her grow up DH. I have told him often. He has cancer and we are taking treatments now. Second time to battle this lymphomia but she has yet to act concerned. Told him she was not going to let me kill him and stress him but the other day she couldnt even stay with him while I went to work to pay for the water she drinks, bathe in or food she help eat up. I dont know but I am trying to be patient and long suffering to keep my marriage together. It gets hard sometimes but when my DH decides I am his priority then I can be happy atleast for oneday in my new marriage.

pissedoff205's picture

Please tell my soon to be 21 yrs old SD that. lol She lives to make me miserable. "Yes Maam". UGH just for the hell of it. She needs to move completely out. She is just occupying a room full of her crap and she dont even spend the night there. She comes and do her hair, take a bath, wash her clothes and back out the darn door she goes and spends the night somewhere else. If I was Dh first concern, she would have been gone!!!

ctnmom's picture

I've always put my kids first. Now that we only have DD13 at home, we get to spend a lot more couple time together and it's great. But raising my kids has always been my #1 priority, and it's Dh's as well. Not coddling or spoiling - raising them to be responsible adults. You only get them for 18 years, sometimes less cause both my older ones went to college at 17. And everyone on both sides of our families lives to be really old (except my dad Sad ), DH and I will probably have 50 more years alone after DD13 leaves the nest!

Texas_Pete's picture

Raising kids should be the parents priority.. But its not the parents responsibly to make them happy adults.