Marriage

LoveAmongChaos's picture

I need some advice. We have been together 4 years. Have had so many rough patches, but are better than we have ever been. We made it through somehow and are coping better than I ever imagined we would. Its been a year of bliss again. I am no way disillusioned enough to think there won't be more lows again, but i feel like we are finally on the same team and can work through anything. 

That being said, we are talking about marriage. I want a small wedding. Nothing extravagant , very simple. I am just very concerned about how his daughter will react. Every time we have something, surprise birthday for his 40th, etc., she has a meltdown throws some type of fit and it becomes about her. I have disengaged, not dealt with her and life has been grand. I am just very concerned that she will ruin this. I dont say a lot of things to her that I want to: 1. Because I love and respect her dad, 2. Because she just isn't worth it to me, and I don't really care what she thinks. The last time we talked, she called me a bitch and said "whats my name bitch, what's yours? It will never be the same, because he will never marry you "  I walked away, because escalating the conflict at that point, in front of our other children was pointless. Now she thinks I'm "weak," and scared of her. No bitch, I was just being the adult. So now, my problem is that she will somehow show up and try to ruin this day. If she does so, I WILL NOT hold back anymore. I've told her father this and he understands. But I will not have anyone ruin my day. Its to the point we've considered court house wedding to avoid it all. But I REFUSE to give up what I want just to keep the peace with this spoiled child. 

 

Advice please? What would you all do? 

Winterglow's picture

Anyone who referred to me as "bitch" would not be invited to my wedding. Make sure you have someone on the lookout for her (hire a security guard if necessary) to keep her out should she turn up. Have the wedding that would give you most pleasure and don't let fear of her reaction stop you. 

Kes's picture

I agree, anyone who called me a bitch would not receive a wedding invitation from me.   Don't even let her know that you are getting married or when it is - simpler that she doesn't know, then she can't turn up at the venue and cause trouble. 

tog redux's picture

Elope. Doesn't have to be a court house, anyone can marry you (just get certified on the Internet).  We did that and went to a beautiful spot in a local park.

She should NOT be at your wedding, period.   And yes, what does your SO do when she says these things? If it's anything short of reaming her a new one, reconsider the marriage.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Knowing what I know all these years later, I don't think I I'd marry with all of these difficulties present. But maybe more info would help.

How does your SO handle his daughter? Does he speak up, put her in her place, and protect you? Is she getting any sort of therapy? Is your SO able to consistently draw boundaries with her?

I see in your bio your SO also has a younger child. How are things in that relationship?I

EDIT: Whoah! I should have taken the time to read your other post before commenting. Now I remember you. You were grappling with big time dysfunction and a SD with serious mental health problems. What has changed? What makes you believe that this period of calm is permanent and not just a lull in the chaos?

Cover1W's picture

Yes this.  I don't know if I would marry into this if that SD wasn't firmly put in her place by her dad. That's just out of line for any human being. No way I'd ever interact with her again.

LoveAmongChaos's picture

Thankfully, after that he did step up a d put firm boundaries in place. He made it very clear that it will not be tolerated. That was the catalyst for a lot of change. I do not see her, nor talk to her. She does not come here at all. He only speaks with her on the phone periodically and it no longer affects the climate of our home. He realizes that he created the monster and it is up to him to deal with. I will NOT be a party to any of it. He also readily admits that much of the issues are his doing. He is in continued counseling and will be probably forever to deal with his past. He says he finally loves himself and realizes he does deserve a stable, calm life. We will never be perfect, but he has stepped up and proven how muich he wants our family. It is a different world and has been consistently so. Do i have rose colored glasses a and think we won't have any issues? Hell no, but we are on the same team and he has been consistent in doing what he should have all along. He told her we are a priority and I am not going anywhere. This is our life and she doesn't have to be part of that, but he won't cower down and let her rule anymore. She is pissed, i'm sure, but it doesn't have an effect on our household anymore. He understands the pity party for her created the issues and he had to stop it. It helps that all of our friends have flat put told him they were the issue and he didn't have anyone that agreed with his side. He had to do alot of self reflection and figure put what he wanted. Kids are meant to move out and build their own lives, not be so enmeshed that it is impossible. He also sees the difference in how my kids behave and do well in school, adapt to life, etc. And realizes that is a good thing he wants for his son. 

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

God help my SSs if either of them called me a name. YSS back talked to me ONCE and DH lit him up verbally for it. Neither have done it since.

The fact that his daughter not only feels that she can call you a name BUT is around enough that you know that she thinks you're weak means your BF hasn't done his job to get her to stop and/or hasn't kept her away from you. What does he do when she says this crap?

justmakingthebest's picture

I wish we would have eloped. We did kind of- we planned the whole thing in 3 days mostly from the car while visiting DH's family because BM wouldn't let SS come to our wedding. At least we had DH's family there. 

At this point, with everything we have been through- I wish we took off on a cruise or to an island somewhere and just eloped. Just made it about the 2 of us. 

What we had with my Bios and SS's was nice, and don't get me wrong- DH's family is wonderful and I love them- but I did scarifice the wedding we had planned here because of a Stepkid. 

If you are even slightly worried about her showing up- do a destination thing- invite people to come, if they can awesome, if not, oh well. One thing is for certain though- SD won't be showing up to that one!

Rags's picture

A former long time member dealt with this by having a destination wedding with just she and her DH present. They were married in the rain forests of Belize by a tribal shaman.  They had a great time. That way they did not have to deal with any blended family drama.  They each had a child from a prior relationship though his XW was the particular PITA that they had to deal with. 

So, they made absolutely sure that there would be zero drama to deal with on their special day.  

Consider just a you and your fiance wedding or maybe just the two of you and a few of your closest friends at an adults only unannounced location.  Then when SD freaks upon your return you can highlight her crappy behavior as the reason why  you did the wedding the way that you did ending the conversation with "And you can call me Mrs (New Last Name).  Only people I respect can call me by any other name.... BITCH!"

Or... maybe not.

JRI's picture

I could have written Rags's post until he got to the word Belize.  DH and I flew to Las Vegas and were married at the courthouse, just us.  We had a witchy BM and dramatic SD in the background.  It was great.

Rags's picture

We eloped as well. After the social event of the season nightmare wedding in my first marriage I was not interested in a huge production.

We informed our families and a couple of good friends a couple of weeks ahead of time and headed to Lake Tahoe.  My mom, brother, SIL and 5mo old niece were there from my family.  DW's aunt and uncle were there from her family.  My college BFF and his GF were there.  That was it. My dad could not make it since he was overseas and could not get leave on short notice. My mom was in the States visiting her family so she could make it.  My IL's refused to attend.  That was when they had not yet decided if I was acceptable or not.

My first wedding was a $25K+ 400+ guest monstrosity. My second wedding was $500.  The first lasted 2.5 years. This one is approaching 26 years.  There is no question which has the best return on investment.

We renewed our vows on our 20th.  I wanted to do it on our 20th rather than the more traditional 25th because I was concerned my FIL would not live to walk my DW down the isle for a vow renewal on our 25th.  As it turned out I was right.  My DW planned everything.  It was beautiful.  I also wanted for DW to have the renewal in her home town since no one from her core family attended our announced elopment.  She picked a beautiful Winery as the location.  She picked her favorite very nice restaurant to cater the food which was incredible, selected a flight of reserve wines to go with the different foods, and was very selective on the other vendors she picked. As it turned out, every vendor she selected won "Best Of" awards about 6mos after our renewal when the local Best Of awards were announced.  It really was beautiful.  The young bar tender fell in love with my bride. We had a video/slide show projection on loop on a huge wall above the bar. The video was of our first wedding intermixed with some pre wedding photos of our renewal and shots of our 20 year life together as a family.  The bar tender was enamored and kept telling everyone how beautiful and amazing my wife is.  He was standing in front of the bar watching the video and had to hop behind the bar to make drinks anytime someone wanted something.  

We kept it reasonalbe with 50 guests.  All of the people we wanted to attend were there. Even as nice as it was, DW came in less than half of what my XW and XMIL blew on that travesty of a wedding.

My own parents eloped.  They were 17 & 19 and last month celebrated their 58th anniversary.  They once told me that the price of the wedding has nothing to do with the quality of the commitment.  I completely agree.

Some of the best wedding stories are about eloping. And there is a lot less drama.