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Manipulative 6yo Girl - How Do I Handle It?

SpeakingGreek's picture

My fiance and I recently moved in together (with my 11 year old girl, his 6 year old girl, and his 2 year old boy - he has sole custody). The 2 year old, even with potty training and high energy, is great, and other than the rare hormonal rant, my 11 year old is adjusting like a champ and loves my fiance and his kids.

The Goliath challenge: my fiance's 6 year old girl.This child whines, cries, manipulates, and clings like she was professionally trained to do so. I'm having a good deal of trouble bonding with her because when she doesn't get the attention she wants/needs, she acts out (example: to include stealing her brother's pull ups and using them, then trying to blame the idea on MY 11 year-old daughter, who I then feel protective over).

I know that she's still reeling over her mother's abandonment and I can understand why she is so needy and wants so much of my attention - but I'm afraid I may grow to resent her because of the manipulation and how much energy she takes from me (not to mention how much of my attention she takes from my own daughter and is starting to feel neglected). I feel drained and overwhelmed, and I don't even want to go home sometimes after work.

I feel if I can bond with her and help her feel more secure, she won't be so needy and she won't act out toward my daughter, but it is so hard to bond with her and get past her manipulations. My fiance is very supportive and he is firm with his boundaries and expectations, but it hasn't seemed to change anything in her behavior. Honestly, I don't know what to do, but I don't want to grow to resent this child.

Strengthh's picture

My experience was not good. My SD mother did not abandon her, but she pawning her off on others down pat. A typical week for BM was get her ready for school in the morning, a half hour and walk to the bus stop, then she would go to school, then after school care til last possible minute, 6pm. Then home and bedtime at 8pm. Then typically, on a Thursday BM would pick her up from after school care and drive her directly to grandmas. Then between Thursday night and Monday morning when she was driven to school by either her grandma, or my H. BM was free. So basically BM had her for less than ten waking hours a week, even though she technically lived with BM. More often than not , SD was absent on Fridays. So BM basically had her freedom from Thursday night to Monday evening at 6 pm when she got her from afterschool care. Summers, she would maybe spend an afternoon a week with her mother. Maybe. I remember her on the phone begging her mother when was she gonna come get her.

SD was whiny, clingy,mean,manipulative, always stirring shit up. Still is, she's basically a waste of a human that no one wants around. But I have found from my experience and from reading here, that a child lacking a mother will bring a special kind of hell to those around them. In your case, you and your daughter will be it. And if your H is a guilt ridden useless non parent, basically a Disney dad , SD will be worse than you can imagine. A Disney dad is actually a non parent if you think about it. That was my scenario, a very uninvolved BM, a Disney dad, an overcompensating grandma who catered to her. Basically a feral child.

SpeakingGreek's picture

The BM is the problem every other weekend. I've learned that she behaves like her mother, which is reinforced by her mother each time she visits (you wouldn't think 4 days a month would make such a difference); but When she goes to her mother every other weekend, she comes back extra whiny and with toys and treats for her and her brother that she immediately warns my daughter not to touch. My daughter usually responds blandly with "I don't want food poisoning anyway, and I don't want your girly crap either." Fortunately for me, my fiance acknowledges the issue and he does have structured boundaries, but they don't seem to be curbing the behavior much. Spankings do NOTHING, she weasels out of grounding, and when she's given sentences to write, she stalls or stares off in space and does them as slowly as possible. I can't think of any form of discipline that works for her - I've even tried encouragement and positive reinforcement for good behavior, which only resulted in accelerating her nasty behavior, so I don't do that any more. How does nothing discipline-wise work? I simply don't understand.

SpeakingGreek's picture

My fiance tells her to stop it every time he catches it or finds out about it. He's tried spanking, but it does nothing. He's tried grounding, but he's not good at enforcing it and sometimes she weasels out of some of it (until I find out, in which case I step in and put my foot down). We've tried having her write sentences, but she stalls, stares out of windows or into space, and takes forever. We haven't found a single discipline method - positive or negative - that works.

SpeakingGreek's picture

The skill of her manipulation is what I find most surprising, seconded only by her blatant willingness to use it whenever possible. I expect all kids to be manipulative to a degree, because children are naturally self-centered until they begin to mature. The fact that she's so good at it, knows how to use it in concert with her regressive childish behavior, and knows exactly which people will fall for it is what I find most concerning. It's almost as if she was professionally trained and I fully believe that this child is more intelligent than she's letting on.

I believe my fiance really believed the whole "innocent young victim" game his daughter played until I began addressing it a few months ago. He still occasionally falls for it, but most of the time he catches on and addresses it immediately because he says it's a trait he hated most in her mother. That said, she still plays into his nurturing with regressive behavior (i.e., acts like a 3 year old whose puppy was just stolen, so now she can't possibly clean her own room).

Shaman29's picture

She is acting this way because you recently moved in with your fiance. Her world has completely changed again.

It's not your job to bond with her. What she needs is her father, while keeping firm boundaries intact, to reassure her with consistency in his behavior towards her and her brother. He introduced two new people into the home and she is feeling insecure. There is nothing you can do to change this without neglecting everyone else and putting your own needs at risk.

Do nothing different. Treat her as you always do and be consistent with all of the kids in the house. If she acts out, your fiance needs to deal with it swiftly and with love.

If you start changing your behavior towards her based on her not so great actions, then you and your fiance will be engaging in negative reinforcement and the behavior will never stop.

Don't try to parent either one of these kids. It's not your job and you are not their mother, nor are you responsible for raising them. Your fiance needs to step up and parent his children on his own. That means getting them up in the mornings, dressing them, bathing them, taking them to school and putting them down for the night.

A word of warning, your fiance may begin to make you feel guilty for stepping up and "mothering" them. At ages two and six, with the BM not in the picture, please make sure he wasn't looking for a new mother rather than a wife and partner.

Also, the BM is bound to rear her head again in the future.

SpeakingGreek's picture

She was acting like this before we moved in together - it was just easier to deal with because I could take my daughter and go home away from it. My fiance does acknowledge her behavior now, but I think he used to overlook it before we started dating - once I realized what she was doing, I brought it to his attention and he's been stepping up the structure and discipline. Unfortunately, some bad behaviors and lack of enforced discipline existed long before we ever met.

The BM already reared her head again in July last year, so she is in the picture 4 days a month (every other weekend) and - surprisingly, that's enough to reinforce the manipulative behavior. Otherwise, we don't hear from her other than excuses about why she can't pay child support.

I believe he loves me and wants to be with me for me, and he is very supportive of me; however, I can't deny that one of his considerations must have been my abilities as a mother in that I've raised one child (my eldest is now 20 and lives on his own) and my 11 year old is very well balanced (honor roll student, green belt HapKiDo instructor, and junior church volunteer).

jennaspace's picture

I have a child this age who has this type of personality. We've worked hard to be consistent and he thrives with stability and discipline. That said, I cannot imagine us divorcing and someone else moving in one of our places. He would be devastated and act up a lot. I know this because even when we went through a lesser traumatic time in the last two years (lasted at least 6 months), he was in overdrive and was very difficult to deal with.

I feel for this little girl because I honestly know that pretty much only a mother could still love my little boy when he is like this. This is who should be in her life, unfortunately it sounds like mom is AWOL.

I think what you need is respite so you don't become resentful. What's probably the most practical is dad taking the kids (maybe just his) for an evening every wk while you relax at home. If you don't have time to decompress, you are going to resent her. Maybe you could have a cue to DH that you need him to take her to another area of the house so you can get away mentally. I'm not a big fan of TV but if you could switch on a movie when you need a break, this might help too.

Whatever you do, take things slow and don't feel guilty. It'd be hard to warm up to any kid acting like this, much less one living in your house, accusing your child. Just focus on one day at a time, without any expectation as to how you should feel. As she settles and things become more routine, maybe one day you'll wake up and realize she's actually grown on you a bit. Despite all the horror stories, I do know a number of step moms that were close to the kids they raised. Hang in there.

SpeakingGreek's picture

Thank you so much for the insight, I really hope you're right. I did take your advice and I talked with my fiance, though I felt so guilty. He said he understands that it's difficult going from a quiet house with one semi-self sufficient child to a bustling house with two you children and that he understands if I need the occasional break. While there is a measure of truth to that, I really only struggle with the 6 year old.

I didn't mention it to him, but I've also noticed that his daughter will try to manipulate just about anyone, especially her father, her mother, her mother's relatives, and my daughter - - however, she very rarely ever tries to manipulate me. I'm not certain what to make of that, but it strikes me that she is a lot smarter than she wants people to believe. She has tried to use her dad against me though, but that only worked once and I addressed it immediately (back to the whole manipulation thing)

ChiefGrownup's picture

When my sd was 12 and I simply the new girlfriend I took her in my car for an adventure just us two. When she realized we were making a stop at the mall she commanded that we not. Ummm, that's not the way it works on my watch, little girl.

She commenced screaming "Wahh, waaaah, waaah, wahhh." Yes, that exact word starting with the "w" just as if she were reading it from a comic strip. She kept it up for the full 30 minute drive to the mall. About 10 minutes in she took a breath and said, "Wow. You're not gullible like dad."

This is your sd. At 6 she already knows it won't work on you. Congratulations.

Epilogue: She ended up having a blast at the mall. She even said the words, "I hate to admit it but you were right!" Unprompted. Sigh. Those days are so gone.

SpeakingGreek's picture

I certainly hope you're right. I could use a bit of a turnaround with this one!

SpeakingGreek's picture

Have you told your boyfriend? Maybe he needs to think about how this behavior will look when she's 10 or 16 and it's really out of hand. I talked with my fiance last night and he said he understands and will work on this. I didn't know it, but he said that BM used to yell at his daughter all the time before she left and he has gotten into the habit of protecting her which must have evolved into whatever this is. He said he realizes he doesn't have to protect her anymore and that he trusts me, he promised to be more mindful and to back me up more supportively.

AllySkoo's picture

Talk to her pediatrician and get a referral for a behavioral therapist. One, they know what to look for if there's anything "diagnosable". Two (and more importantly), they can give you some new tools, and help you figure out what will work. Your SD's behavior isn't quite "abnormal". If Mom abandoned her, honestly I'd expect something. But it is a bit extreme, and it DOES need to be addressed. Get some pro help at this point, I think all of you will be much happier!

Here's a really, really simple example. My sister took her kids to a behavioral therapist. One of the things the doc suggested for whining was simply say, "Try again." She'd tried, "I can't hear you when you whine", "Please speak normally", ignoring it, everything. "Try again"? MAGIC. I used it on my own kids this week and it only took 1 day before they got it.

Them: Whine whine whine
Me: Try again.
Them: (pouty) Please.
Me: Try again.
Them: (politely) Can we please have some chocolate milk?

I've only been doing this a week and it's so much better. My sis has been doing it 2 months and it's incredible how much better hers are! The thing is, they KNOW how to ask. You KNOW they know. THEY know they know. "Try again" is short, simple, and direct. Kids respond to it. Try it the next time she whines. You'll probably have to use it for a day or two before she really understands and responds, but once she does it's awesome!

ChiefGrownup's picture

This method works perfectly with my autistic ss, Ally, great advice. I also ignore him and then say, "you know I don't answer questions in that tone of voice. try again."

My dh was flabbergasted the first time I did it in front of him and the results I got.

SpeakingGreek's picture

We talked with a child psych - the dr. says the 6yo is still trying to work out the fact that "mommy left" and now, everything's changed. She said SD6 is comparing BM and me and is having trouble processing it all because we are so drastically different: BM doesn't spend much time with her, but then spoils her some of those lovely 2 days a month, while I spend time with her daily and I'm the one who tucks her in at night, but I don't cave in on spoiling her and I am consistent with expectations. She also warned my fiance about letting her get away with acting more childish than her age or withholding discipline out of guilt for the situation (thank GOD!). She said to maintain consistency and instructed my fiance to not let her get away with the manipulation and bad behavior. Hopefully, this will work over time (crossing my fingers), but I know it may take a while. I just need to find ways to cope with it and not take it personally until she's found steady ground and things settle.

mentalmama24's picture

I feel for you dear and am sorry you have to go through this. My DH and I are currently battling the same issue. My SS is only 4 years old and already a master manipulator, just like BM! He will say and do anything to get attention and make people 'love' him. I suppose this is normal for children of that age but then add in that he's super clingy. He still sleeps in bed with BM and still wants to sleep in bed with DH and I but we don't allow it. He is literally glued to DH's side and if he sees DH and I cuddling he will put a stop to it by getting in between us. Just yesterday he took the Mother's Day balloon I had received and gave it to BM and told her he had bought it for her at the store. I am still livid. He won't eat anything but chicken nuggets and pizza, if you even attempt to try and feed him anything else he pretends like he's sick or he makes himself throw up. The shit that we go through...

SpeakingGreek's picture

Oh wow - I don't even know what to say! I thought the SD6 was difficult. It sounds like DH needs to set boundaries on expected behaviors. I refuse to make anything else, especially if it doesn't have the protein and vegetables that their growing bodies need because I will not help them be unhealthy. If that means Princess or Snowflake don't eat until they feels like they are "starving," then so be it. Eventually, they'll get hungry enough to eat what they're given. I would, of course offer a nice dessert afterward (but as a surprise reward after the fact, not as a bribe beforehand) to reinforce the behavior. Falling for the pretend sickness and allowing the excessive clinginess only reinforces the manipulative behavior instead of modifying it - it may seem innocent at 4, but I promise that it is not so darn cute at 14 (when it's really too late to change). I am so sorry you have to deal with that. Sounds like you need to sit with DH - or take the child to a psych (make sure DH knows it is out of your concern for the child's ability to adjust and let the psych deliver the news so you stay neutral and don't become the bad guy).

parenterrr24's picture

u know wat although like i may first read this and at first it may seem a bit harsh,but at the same time u do like have a point. i remember like reading here http://www.astrologyjunction.com/ like about zodiac signs for kids and step parents like 2 yrs ago cauz it doeznt have anything like that anymore,but lke ur post made me think bout it and the thing that i took from it is that most ppl are like into different things and have their own defenitions for right and wrong, so maybe thats y at times u may not get along with someone. My suggestion would be this http://everydaylife.globalpost.com/bond-teenage-stepsons-19267.html I know it says stepson and u have like a daughter but just use it like as an outline nd so fun things together, allow yourself to know here and u will see ur world change. ..

parenterrr24's picture

ahhwwwwwww :///// the post didn't show. How do i get the pic like to show on thee pg instead of having a long giberish link ughh i hate wen that happenz...fail please ignore me

Rags's picture

Set appropriate kid behavioral expectations and boundaries and hold yourself and DH to enforce them as far as household rules and respectful people treatment.

To fix this with the SD-6 she must be introduced to the boundaries and expectations and she must feel the consequences of non compliance. Once she understands the boundaries she will adapt ... but only if you and her father are consistent. No one child should be allowed to detract from the family dynamic and interfere with the experiences of the other children.

My dad gave me clarity on this a few times during my growing up years. I am the eldest of 3 boys. 6 years older than #2 and 8 years older than #3. When I had my inappropriate moments and they interfered with my younger brothers turn at the age they were dad let me know that I had already experienced my turn at their ages and I would not be allowed to interfere in their turn. Nor would they be allowed to interfere in my turn at the age I was. Their turn would come. The last time I got that message was when I was in my mid 20s. I had recently divorced, sold my business, changed my college major to engineering. My brother in a surprise move left the college he was attending and joined me at engineering school. I was paying my way and my parents were paying my brother's way. Since we were going to school together we lived together. Mom and dad sent money monthly and I benefited from the support they provided for rent, etc.... At one point my brother had a series of major brain farts that were irritating and expensive. I went on a rant and during that rand dad told me "This is your brother's turn at college. You are welcome to life in the place your mom and I provide but do not interfere in your brother's turn at this. You had your early 20s brain farts your brother will get his chance to learn. Let him learn and worry about your own efforts and experiences." The next year my life savings ran out and my parents offered to help out with my school costs. They paid for my first two years of college and my last two. I paid for the middle 7 years.

My youngest brother passed away more than 40 years ago so dad's lessons to my brother and I on not interfering with each other's turn at a particular age were focused on only the two of us.

SD-6 cannot be allowed to interfere with your DD's turn at being 11 or your SS's turn at being 2. She needs clarity and to be forced to adapt and align her behaviors accordingly.

Good luck.