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Losing my mind

ChaH1016's picture

I feel like I am losing my mind with the depth of hatred I feel for my step son. He is just so mean and deceitful and it's like he saves it all up for me and DS9.

My partner and I have three boys between us, my DS9 his son 6 and our son together 3. 
SS is constantly, quietly picking at my son till my son reacts which of course is always the only part my partner see's so my son gets in trouble and his sits there pretend crying and giving me death stares.. Till last Sunday, when I lost it. I was standing around the corner, listening to SS being nasty and pushing DS9 till DS9 cracked and pushed him (now I know that isn't an appropriate way to react and I have had multiple conversations with DS9 about it) but then my partner saw that through the window and went off! Which is where I just cracked!! Calling bullshit, how I was there for the whole conversation leading up to it and how he didn't hear a word of it! And at least if DS9 is mean, he's mean to him in front of everyone, doesn't wait till he thinks no one can see and kicks him (SS does this all the time, even to DS3, even my dad picked up on him "liking to kick people") and I always talk to DS9 about him reacting and he never talks to SS about his behaviour and he just gets away with everything! anyway my partner wasn't listening saying he was to pissed off to care. DS6 at this point was crying because he got in trouble, SS was standing there with his smug look on his face and I snapped and told him he was an asshole (not my finest moment, but was better than the words I wanted to say) and not a nice boy.

SS went back to his mothers that night and I haven't spoken to my partner since. But it's like fireworks of rage have been going off in my head ever since, just lighting the fuse of every single thing I hate about SS and how I'm going to be stuck with him forever and every single thing that I gave up for my partner and everything he doesn't appreciate that I do. Just boom boom boom one fuse to the next till now I feel like i just want to lock myself in my room to have a break from everyone's needs.. 

SS will be back tomorrow and I just don't want him around me or my boy's, he is just such a bad influence and I don't want my DS3 to learn anything from him. I'm having the worst anxiety just thinking about tomorrow, and when I get home from work, there he will be.. just in my face.. and unavoidable..

tog redux's picture

Can you at least make sure your DS is at his father's when SS comes over? He doesn't deserve the bullying. 
 

I don't know how you guys put up with "partners" like this. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

What is so wonderful about tthis man that you stay in a relationship where your children are bloody miserable??? 

Harry's picture

It's never going to get better.  Your DH is not parenting his son. Letting him be the golden boy. 
You have serious think to fo

 

Rags's picture

Time for full webcam coverage with sound.  When SS pulls his shit you can immediately put the video/audio clips in front of DH and tell him to STFU and deal with his toxic spawn. DH needs clarity that no longer will his asshole child be tolerated to play his manipulative crap without painful realtime consequences delivered by the kid that he targets.

Keep in mind that the best way to deal with a bully is to bust them in the face and send them to the dentist to replace missing teeth or to the Doc for stiches.  SS is a bully.  Your eldest DS needs to get in his face next time SS pulls his manipulative bully shit and let him know that DS will beat his ass each and every time SS pulls his bully manipulative crap. That should be the last warning DS gives SS and when SS pushes it again. DS needs to beat him black and blue. Lather, rinse, repeat.

DH needs clarity and to not be allowed to keep his blinders on regarding his toxic prior relationship crotch dropping. 

You have a job ahead of you to purge the influence of this shallow and polluted gene pool from your youngest child.

Good luck with that.

Let the bully beat downs begin.  Unleash your eldest to defend himself.

ChaH1016's picture

So SO and I had a serious chat two nights ago where I just let rip about his son and his manipulative bullshit and how I'm not dealing with it anymore and he can't keep ignoring or not believing his behaviour and he needs to sit him down and call him out on his behaviour because SS has no respect for anything I say and he needs to hear it from him for it to have any impact. And that any rules I have in place for our house are not to be disregarded just because I'm not home at the time. And if I so much as hear him tease DS or touch anything he owns again then I'm done.

DS and SO get on really well when it is just us! During the week things are always so relaxed and happy. DS and SO talk and go riding together and because DS is more mature then SS there are things they can do together that SO and SS can't.
I feel like SO just feels so guilty because SS mum is such a poor excuse for a mother, SS still can't read, doesn't speak properly, still has accidents in his underwear sometimes that he feels like it's his fault. So he tries so hard to make sure SS is happy at our house, but makes everyone else miserable in the process so its not that he is just defending him knowingly. His son is just that manipulative that he literally never sees his behaviour through his guilt ridden glasses. He only hears it from me or DS, I have never seen a kid who is so quick at putting on the water works to make someone feel sorry for him! He literally does it to everyone on SOs side of the family! And they are always like ohh poor SS is he ok? Everything that is going on with his mother blah blah blah. When is there not going to be an excuse for this kid!! 
 

Rags's picture

Sometimes only the BioParent can be the one to deliver a clear message to a Skid.  In our blended family adventure I never accepted being anything other than a equity parent to SS.  As my bride's equity life partner I was an equity parent to SS. We never had any BKs.  That didn't matter. I have always been SS-27's dad.

Even though I raised him as my own since his mom and I met when he was 15mos old (we married the week before he turned 2yo) when we ran into a watershed moment and message that only his mom could deliver I sat her down, told her I would be there and have her back but that she had to be the one to deliver the message. Otherwise it would likely come across as me being an asshole StepDad.  He had failed the only class he needed for graduation during the first semester of his Sr. year after he and the SpermIdiot hacked the school fire wall and SS would stay up all night every night playing WoW with the SpermIdiot to the point that he was comatose in class.  He failed Sr English 1 which was only offered during Fall semester.  If he had passed that class he would only need Sr English 2 during Spring semester in order to graduate.  He was at Military boarding school. He loved it. But... his mom nor I were willing to pay for an extra semester of top 20 in the nation boarding school tuition for one class.  So we jerked his ass out of school at winter break and brought him home.

His mom was the one that led the discussion regarding the consequences for his choice to fail Sr. English.  She went CPA on his ass and gave him a full spreadsheet of what his choice cost us, cost him and outlined how he would avoid having us eliminate him and disposing of his body (JJOC).  For probably the only time in his life his mom made it crystal clear that she was heartbroken and disappointed in him.  That made a very important and painful point with him.  For the next semester he would regularly sit down next to me, sigh heavily and say "Dad, mom is really mad at me isn't she?".  I would be direct and tell him that no she was not mad at him.  She was disappointed and hurt.  From the moment she found out she was pregnant with him when she was 16 she immediately grew up and busted her butt to give herself and him a quality life. She refused to be a statistic and she refused to have her son be a statistic.  He broke her heart.  He would sit next to me with tears streaming down his face every time he initiated that conversation.  The tears would increase as we worked through the dicussion.  

The message had to be his mom's message. I could be his dad but I could not effectively get the point across. That had to come from his mother.... rather than his asshole StepDad.

I am blessed to have an amazing bride who asked me to help raise her son and with the courage to recognize when she had to be the one to deliver a clear message.  My son is even more blessed to have a mom who refused to allow her son to go down the pathetic under performing road that people in SpermLand usually follow.  He is lucky to have a mom who refused to to sacrifice him to the SpermClan's/SpermIdiot's, shallow and polluted gene pool.

He got the message, he graduated on time and with honors.  It was not all sunshine and roses after that drama but ultimately SS is a man that his mom and I are proud to have raised.

So, play the "you are going to fix this" card with DH, outline what he will do then sit there and give him the hairy eyeball while he does it to your satisfaction.  My wife got it, it does not appear that your DH will grasp the  concept and execute effectively without very strict oversight by you.

Good luck.

ChaH1016's picture

I wish! His dad just feels so much guilt and blames his mother for any bad behaviour he acknowledges because he doesn't have enough input in how he is being raised as he is only with us on the weekends (that is more then enough time!) but come on! He is not a baby! He knows different places have different rules! My DS3 can even understand that preschool has different rules to home and your trying to tell me precious snowflake SS can't comprehend that same thing? He is twice his age!
On the weekends that DS9 is at his dads that is exactly what I do. I don't even speak to SS unless he has done something to or touched something belonging to DS3. 
Well SS will be here tomorrow night so we will see if SO managed to have that talk he told me he would with him and if it helps any... my hopes aren't high..