Looking for female perspective on issues with wife and SD.
I am glad I found this site. I am in need of some group therapy and after reading some past posts, I feel I can vent here to people that will understand my situation.
I am looking for some other perspectives, mainly female. I am a man in a blended family. My wife had a daughter from her previous marriage and we have a daughter of our own. I do not have any other children. Like many others on this site, I cannot stand my SD. The mere site of her makes my skin crawl and her voice is like finger nails on a chalk board. She was 4 years old when my wife and I started dating. She was a normal sweet little girl at first but has morphed into this creature that not many people can tolerate. Her father is very immature, my wife divorced him 8 years ago and he has been living with his parents ever since with no intentions of moving out anytime soon. He is in his late 30’s, time to grow up.
It all started getting worse when my daughter was born; there is an 8 year age gap between them. My SKID will be 12 this year and my daughter will be 4. I get the whole jealousy thing coming from a big family (6 kids), but I think she takes it too far. My daughter idolizes her and it scares me to think that this cretan will have some influence on my daughter. My SD has been caught trying to steal from her, she hits her when she thinks no one is looking, she steals her food (SD is chubby), plays keep away with her toys and the list goes on and on. I can write a novel with all of the things this kid has done. She lies to her BF to start drama between him and my wife. The problem is my wife rarely punishes her, and if she does it’s nothing too severe. If my daughter hits my SD, my wife gets all bent out of shape saying “she has to stop hitting her, it’s not right” but when my SD hits my daughter she just tells her she’s “nasty” and leaves it at that. I’ve asked my wife why she is so lenient on her and she states that “she is hopeless and is not going to amount to much so why bother”.
I’ve told my wife that the little one is going to see the difference in punishment and start resenting her. My daughter is very smart and picks up on things very fast. This kid is also failing school, and nothing is said about that either. We are paying for Catholic school which is not cheap. I am fortunate enough to be in a position to have my wife stay home with the kids. We pay half the tuition and her BF pays the other half. I take it as an insult that there is no punishment for essentially wasting my money by failing school.
I have treated this kid like my own since day one, however I have now disengaged myself like others have posted on this site, however I feel the need to step in and protect my daughter when she is not treated fairly. I’ve been to all my SKID’s functions whether it is school or extra-curricular. It’s not just me that feels this way about my SKID. My wife has worked several school functions and has overheard the other kids saying how they can’t stand her. We had to stop having B-day parties for her as no one was showing up. My wife has even said she does not like her. She loves her as a mother, but does not like her.
I can only see things as getting worse. My daughter is very outgoing and people tend to flock to her. I can see my SKID getting even more jealous and vindictive towards her. I’m just wondering if my wife’s behavior is normal or can you understand her logic as a female? I sure don’t get it.
Thanks for letting me vent!!
She's a mother who has given
She's a mother who has given up on her12 year old and won't do anything to protect her toddler from her pre-teen? I see No logic in that and no it sure as hell isn't normal. This has nothing to do with logic. It's either laziness on your wife's part or its caused by her having some kind of resentment and anger at the girl's dad and it casting on the girl. If mom sees this girl as looking or acting like the man she left, while it s not right at all, I could sort of see her not enjoying putting effort into the child.
How she can do Nothing to protect her younger child though,I do not understand at all. And if she won't,you'll have to. She's only going to get more violent as she gets older if no one does anything. So in my world, the options are calling the cops on her when she becomes violent and having her wind up in juvie or having her go live with dad since mom is unwilling to do anything about this. Or, you leave your wife and file for full custody based on your wife putting your DD in a dangerous environment.
And unless its in the court order that the kid get sent to this school, tell your wife your not willing to shell out the big bucks for her to go anymore when she's not making use of it.
Is your wife better at parenting your DD? Cause it kind of just sounds like she completely sucks as a mom.
I second what everyone else
I second what everyone else said.
If she won't parent to protect society from this monster she has raised, at the very least parent to protect her other child. This is a serious WTF situation.
>>If my daughter hits my SD,
>>If my daughter hits my SD, my wife gets all bent out of shape saying “she has to stop hitting her, it’s not right” but when my SD hits my daughter she just tells her she’s “nasty” and leaves it at that.<<
I don't see any difference in punishment here. Both times she's all talk and no punishment so how it your bio is getting treated differently? Sounds like your DW is just a lazy parent that can't be bother to parent either child.
The things she says about her 12 year old are not normal. One thing that might be happening is your DW favors the 4 year old over the 12 year old because of who their fathers are. She probably sees a lot of her exH in the 12 year old, which is why she says she isn't going to amount to much.
I like how you say "we are paying tuition," when your wife doesn't work, so it's actually YOU that are paying for your SD's tuition. You might want to consider pulling SD out of private school. You are building up resentment paying for private school for a child that is failing.
I know most folks will say disengage, but since mom is too lazy to parent, the answer might be for you step in and start setting some age appropriate rules for both kids. If nothing else to protect the 4 year old from the 12 yr old's bad behavior.
She is not lazy at all or a
She is not lazy at all or a bad parent. You can't judge her parenting skills based on some low lights I have posted here. I was just venting on some parts of her parenting that I don't necessarly agree with. I guess I am looking for harsher punishment for my SD's actions. She does protect my daughter. I never thought of the seeing her ex in the 12YO. MY SD is her ex, no doubt. He did not amount to much so I can see that point. Her not working is my choice. I want her home to be with my daughter. It is not a cesspool, it is just different when my SD is around and she is there 5 days a week. My DD is really a well behaved smart little girl to which I attribute to my wife as she is the one home with her. I am not interested in getting a divorce. If I felt my DD was in any true danger I would remedy the situation. She does not beat her or anythng like that, it's just sibling rivalary and my SD is too immature to just let it go when my DD does something to annoy her.
Well, I guess we touched a
Well, I guess we touched a nerve when we said your wife is a lazy parent.
"I guess I am looking for harsher punishment for my SD's actions."
So what do you want then? The folks on this board can't impose harsher punishments for your SD. The only people that can do that are the grown ups in this girl's life - YOU and YOUR WIFE.
Sounds like you're not too
Sounds like you're not too happy to hear from other women that your wife is actually a very lazy parent and a bad one at that. Your SD hits, steals, lies and your DW does nothing about it. Hmmmm....
So what would YOU call it?
Edited to add*** AND she is 12 and already failing in school. THAT is totally bad parenting right there.
I understand how you are
I understand how you are feeling! My SD was 7 when my oldest boy was born, and at first I had the same concerns, hitting, talking nasty, etc. It was really important to me that they have a good relationship, so I starting going over the top about how much the baby loves his big sister. I would tell anyone who would listen, "oh, look how sweet that is, he loves his big sister so much!!", and when I knew she was listening but not an active participant in the conversation, I would let her hear me say things like, "I swear he loves SD more than anyone in the world!" He is 2 now, she is 9, and they are the best little buddies you can imagine. She went from being a bully (and still is on occasion to SD4, her full sister), to being a second little mommy to her half brother. Even her mom has commented on how different she is with the two of them. There is no science here, but my theory is, how can you be mean to some sweet little creature who loves you and looks up to you so much?
As a parent I also work really hard to treat them equal. It's hard, I know! There are times my SDs annoy the crap out of me and I get resentful for the time they take away from my kids. But ask them if they ever feel it... Not a bit. They are all my babies, and I love them all the same, and I tell them that all the time.
I'm not in your shoes, so my advice is just words. But she is only 12. She's just a baby too, and you have treated her like a daughter and now she makes your skin crawl. She knows it. She knows that the man she likely thinks of as a father can't stand her now, and it might be a part of what is making her act this way. Kids need love, so much love that you feel like it can ever be enough, but you have to try. You could be the one thing in this girl's life that makes all the difference between her being a social pariah and a normal little girl.
Good luck!
The child's 12 and has been
The child's 12 and has been mostly in your wife's care for 8 years. If the kid is "hopeless" and "not going to amount to anything" and that's the excuse for not disciplining her, yea, that's a sign of either being a bad parent or being lazy. Maybe she's a great parent to your DD, I don't know,we can only judge and comment on what we're told. But to your SD, she's not a good parent. Whether that's because she sees so much of the ex in her or guilt or who knows, giving up on a 12 year old, being lenient because "wats the point", letting the kid fail school, not having the girl in therapy, tutoring, actively addressing the violence, the stealing,the lying, the manipulation so that the kid has Some hope for becoming a decent adult... yes, that is Bad Parenting.
So either your exaggerating the problems and SD isn't That big a problem or you're being blind to the fact that at least in regards to your SD, your wife is failing in the parenting arena.
There are "hopeless" kids. It doesn't sound like your SD is actually one of those yet. It sounds like she needs to be parented better and maybe get some therapy.