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Living separately but have a family together?

KellyJayne88's picture

Ey up, gonna jump right in:

Im 32 with a 4 year old boy, he's 35 with an 8 year old girl. We love one another, kids love each other although do fight like 'siblings' from time to time squabbling over stuff ("that's  mine" etc) as we live separately. 

Most of the time we are happy but when the kids play up he tends to just go home as its easier separately with only 1 I guess. It makes me worry about our future, whether we could all live together as a family. I want another child and have been very honest about it, he has said in time and not yet but I worry if we are all too stressed out together as just us 4 spending too much time together, how will we manage living together and/or have a baby too. 

Has anyone managed it? 

Or is it better to live separately? Wouldnt it be weird to have a baby together but just not live together?

Thoughts?

Thanks

X

JRI's picture

I dont know the answer to your questions but a quick reading shows either a cautious person or someone who escapes from uncertain issues (squabbling kids, new baby).

JRI's picture

He sounds like he's not committed.

 

 

 

 

Rags's picture

I suppose that there is someone out there who ascribes to this separated but married breeder family model.  I know of no one who follows it though.

GrudgingSM's picture

So I'm the one in my relationship that wants to live apart. And I have straight up left the house because I couldn't handle the kids fighting. Just to offer my perspective from the POV of the person who doesn't want the whole blended bliss, I'd say that it's hard to balance different family cultures. I have different rules/expectations/parenting style than him, and it's hard to watch their dynamics. It doesn't feel like family to me, or in fact it does: it reminds me of the way I grew up, which I hated. Part of it is very much me and what triggers me about my childhood. Hence my need for more space. Also, I'm definitely an introvert and that's a family of extroverts. We just don't all mesh naturally. I also said no to his desire for another kid. I already feel maxed out with where we are at in terms of number of kids, and I also just couldn't personally deal with seeing one of my kids full time and the other only half the time. Of course I don't know exactly why your DH feels the way he does and may be generally conflict avoidant, or he's an introvert and gets overstimulated by the fighting, or it brings up childhood stuff, or its not the way he wants family to look/feel for him. There's a lot still to find out there, and 6 months, even 6 intense months.

As others have said, don't talk yourself into it if it's really not what you want! 32 is totally not that old! You really have years and years of fertility left! But if you want to live separately for the time being but explore what cohabitating might be like in the future and/or how to keep those separate domestic boundaries, here are some thoughts:

1) Definitely have a neutral way to check in with the relationship, like a date night every few months or so that asks Where do want to see our relationship in another six months? Is there anything you need from me? Etc. That way you don't over-forecast the relationship but can make small steps towards further types of blending, even if it's not one big happy family.

2) Try sleepovers! We first did a classic sleeping back living room sleepover the first time we did it with the kids. Like it was a thing we all got to do: movie night, pjs, staying up after bedtime, etc. It's a way to introduce the fluidity between houses that's low pressure for the kids.

3) Baby steps. Try combining small things, like a shared Netflix account or ways in which the households have a connection. We also opened a joint checking and did small automatic transfers so we had a date night account, or if there was a shared expense, like someone going to the grocery store for making dinner at home, or whatever. And if you don't already, introduce drawer space and closet space and other things that take those baby steps towards more household sharing. Maybe even make a list of small steps and ask your BF which of them he feels most comfortable with, start there, and work towards more unity, even if the households stay separate for awhile.

Hope that helps!

Blended4213's picture

Everything you said. Some blended families don't mesh. Ours doesn't. Some of the kids get along better than others but overall it feels like two separate families under one roof. It feels like houseguests I'm dreading having over. It doesn't feel natural. I'm also an introvert and need my space. This is tough in a blended family. DH does work on issues with his kids so I'm more comfortable in my own house or I would definitely leave.
 

I get that it would be hard to live apart from DH. Might not feel like a real marriage. But if the stepkids make it miserable you might want to rethink it. DH and I only fight about the stepkids. 
 

We started off dating long distance. Would do the sleepover things but it was only for a couple of days. Not enough to see how hard it would be to all live together all the time. Still 50/50 but with his kids' schedule it's almost everyday for a little bit. 
 

I have thought about living separately. DH is very against it. I am glad to be with him but try to compromise now, like when my kids go to their dad's, I sometimes stay if it is a stepkid weekend. And I don't mean with their dad but my family who is also in that town, lol.

 

Trying to rearrange the schedule so I'm not here all the time when his kids are, trying to get enough space and alone time with my bio kids, and time with just DH.

 

I think it would be hard to live apart from DH, but just try to imagine if you can live with stepkids fir that many years and all the stress that may cause before jumping in. You can always ease in but it is harder once you have sold your house, etc, to go back to the other way.

ndc's picture

If you said you'd been dating for 2 or 3 years, I'd think it was time to take the next step, and I'd have some concern if he wasn't ready to move forward. A long term live apart relationship with kids that young wouldn't work for me.  It's not like you're just waiting a couple years for them to turn 18 - the kids will be around for a long time.  But 6 months is hardly anything.  I can't blame him for not wanting to move in together yet, especially when there are kids involved. 

I can blame him for making the good luck finding someone else comment.  That's just mean, and very uncalled for. Sounds like he runs from conflict/things that aren't comfortable and doesn't fight fair.  I'd pump your brakes and let the relationship evolve. He might not be the one for you anyway. 

tog redux's picture

6 months is nothing, and it sounds like you want the next step and he doesn't.  Don't force a relationship just to have a child - you are 32 and have many more years to find the right guy (plus you do already have one child, so it's not as if you'd be childless if you don't have more).

I think if he has his own home, it's pretty normal and expected to just clear out when the kids are fighting to get some space. I'd suggest you slow down and really take your time to get to know this guy.  Please don't have a baby with him right now. You have at least 10 more years to get pregnant again.

justmakingthebest's picture

I think that it is a last resort kind of thing, to live apart-together. 

I think for a temporary long distance for a job, while getting settled or a temporary situation is no biggie. Long deployments as a military spouse (yep those suck) but we deal. If it is because there is something big going on within your household- One child is a danger to another, you or him/herself then it might be the only way. 

However, if it is just because he likes the status quo- that is a cop out weak-ass excuse so that he can have sex when he wants but maintain a mostly single lifestyle.