In-laws only want my step-daughter
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Issue is my mother in law will get my step-daughter during our weeks we have her every other week. I've asked her not too because my youngest whose 7 always gets upset she goes and not him and mainly because step daughter always come back bragging I've told mother in law why i don't like it and nothing told my husband and nothing so now how do I best protect my youngest son. My oldest son doesn't care either way. What do I do my sister has offered to get just the boys so maybe my husband would understand and my step daughter would stop making my youngest feel like crap for not getting to go. But I just hate to fight fire with fire. I also hate my baby being left out then having it rubbed in his face.
I'd have your sister get just
I'd have your sister get just the boys. And make sure they do something SD would love.
This would be my advice as
This would be my advice as well! Her SD is going to get the wrong impression that she is "more special" than her boys, and she most definitely is not.
Question
I assume your children are not your DHs??
As a social worker, what
As a social worker, what would you say to Ms. Jones presenting the same to you?
When your step daughter has a
When your step daughter has a birthday party to go to, do you insist all the kids go or no one goes?
Same for a sleep over invitation for step daughter at a friends house. Do you expect all the kids go?
Life has invites not everyone is invited to OR part of. You should start to teach your kids this.
Exactly this ^^^^^
Exactly this ^^^^^
I knew a parent who only wanted all the kids to go 'where ever'. So she could have ME time. IF they all couldnt leave, none of them went.
If your kids are not your
If your kids are not your husband's children, I do not see this as a big deal.
If this is the case, you should explain to your child that sd is going with her gma - it is not his gma just because you got married.
If your sister can/is willing to take your children so they have "fun extended family time", that would be great! But not necessarily to spite sd... but for the enrichment of your children with their family.
It would help to know if your
It would help to know if your kids are your DH's kids. If not, I see nothing wrong with what your MIL is doing. She wants to spend time with her grandchild. She doesn't necessarily want to spend time with unrelated kids. Sure, it'd be nice if she'd take your kids now and then, but she has no obligation to do so. Find something special for your child to do while your SD goes to visit her grandmother. If that's going with your relatives, great. But your son needs to understand that he doesn't get everything that SD gets, and that sometimes he gets things she does not.
Now, if your kids ARE your DH's kids and their own grandmother doesn't want them and only wants SS, I'd be having a serious discussion with DH about it.
I would tell MIL that if she
I would tell MIL that if she does not take your son, she does not get your SD.
Stick to your guns.
That your ball-less wonder of a DH tolerates this crap from his mother and facilitates his mother treating his son like crap makes we wanna puke.
But what it if isn't her
But what it if isn't her husband's kid?
I know your family treated your son (who was your ss before you adopted him) the same... but not all families are like that. And that is ok.
If OP's children are NOT
If OP's children are NOT related to MIL.. why should she be forced to take children that are not her grandkids? Also.. maybe OP's children are younger and therefore harder for MIL to handle.. or more kids is not what MIL is up for?
Even if this weren't a step situation.. it is also not unusual for an aunt.. grandparent etc.. to see kids individually. It would be nice if SD was not lording it over the younger kids.. but this is not MIL's obligation to take on your kids from a prior relationship.
What ifs are nearly infinite.
What ifs are nearly infinite. Though I am assuming the kids are all at least half sibs.
Really? The way I read it,
Really? The way I read it, her kids are not from her husband. Maybe OP will come back and clarify.
If her children are not his..
If her children are not his... that certainly may be a mitigating situation regarding her MIL's taking her SD and not her sons.
My mom and dad never differentiated between my SS and my brother's 3 BKs. Had my DW and I had BKs together, I would not expect that my parents would have changed their acceptance of my SS as their eldest GK.
We married the week before SS turned 2yo. My parents met my DW and SS 5mos before we married. They accepted them both as my family from day one.
I suppose I am fortunate that my parents have strong character and don't require blood to make family.
My 2 cents
I've been in this exact situation at the begining of my relationship with DH. I understand MIL is not my D's grandmother but she is supposed to be D's family because I'm married to her son. How can I expect D not to be hurt when MIL takes only SD's and leaves her behind. I understand that D isn't really her granddaughter but what on earth is the harm in taking her along and treating her well too. DH and I actaully made that a rule with all grandparents. We decided our kids are a package deal and if any of the grandparents wanted to take only the BIO grandkids they needed to do it at a time that wouldn't be so obvious.
For instance; when my D went to her Dad's in the summer MIL took SD's so she could get some time with them and nobody had their feelings hurt. Not always easy to navigate but we made it work.
I know not every family works like that and that's ok but it was really important to us to be viewed as a family and we wanted IL's to treat all grandkids like grandkids. They aren't obligated but it was what we wanted. My parents who were resistent at first too but ended up loving it they benefited from the relationships with SD's as much as SD's did. My Dad still includes them when telling people how many grandkids he has and even though my D knows she's special to him SD's feel that way too.
What's the harm in taking them all and enjoying more kiddos in your life? Exponetial love and joy for all.
Not all people feel
Not all people feel comfortable with unrelated kids.
Why should they expected to
Why should they expected to treat skids as their grandkids when you, per your username, don't even like the skids? They shouldn't be obligated to take in more kids, feed them, take them on trips, whatever, just because you married someone with kids. Why can't your DD have hurt feelings? Why can't she learn to accept that her step siblings have their own grandparents and she has hers?
Obviously all grandparents should be kind to skids and not leave them out at Christmas if everyone is together, but that's the extent of the obligation.
Because it's easy
Why treat the SKIDS as if they are accepted like grandkids. Because it's easy. There is no harm in acceptance in my experence.
Per my username I've been through a lot (as opposed to your judgement that I don't like my SD's they both have brough lots of joy into my life but the oldest has also brought heartache) with my oldest SD, but that doesn't mean I don't love her like family. That's how I was raised family isn't just blood related individuals. Like I said originally if there is an issue of "taking them in and feeding them" then see them when the other kids aren't around. Neither of our parents are destitute so this was never an issue. They could afford to feed an extra kid and if they couldn't I would have sent D with money.
I found that grandparents only taking half of the kids created more of an us vs. them mentality. It is so difficult to blend a family I felt it was best to have as many shared experiences as possible. Luckily our parents understood our wishes and ended up very much enjoying having the SKIDS around.
Obviously grandkids should be kind (all people should be kind) and accepting we can agree on that. If you chose the seperate route for your family good for you I don't think either are wrong but one of those choices was wrong for me and my family.
Just as my family dealt with
Just as my family dealt with the situation. Our was fairly easy though. SS is an only child in my marriage. My family accepted him immediately as their GK and Nephew. My DW is the daughter my parent's never had. Unlike my brother's wife who has made closeness exremely difficult over the years. Though even she has softened over the years. My parents used to bare their souls in an attempt to get her to engage and finally quit catering to her. Now they tell her and my brother where they will be an put the onus on them to engage. If they don't make an effort, my parentws don't chase them.
My brother has reconnected with his family and no longer will allow his wife to drive separation between he and his family. As my niece and nephews have transitioned to adulthood they have gravitated to increasing closeness with my parents though their mom tried for years to minimize that. She never allowed closeness with her own parents and sister either. Though they have really made no effort to be close to their GKs, etc.. It is as if she was of the mind of breeding her own committed fan club.
Sad really.
Duplicate
Duplicate
Gotta love a good hit and run
Gotta love a good hit and run post.
Dang, right?
Dang, right?
I think when some people don't see the answers they like, they just move on to another platform.
I personally don't think that
I personally don't think that kids should be punished in blended families. MIL is doing that. intentionally or not.
While I don't 100% prescribe to the "package deal" idea, I do think that in blended families efforts should be made so that the kids feel welcomed by new aunts, uncles and grandparents- unless there is a specific reason why.
My MIL opened her arms to my kids and they both jumped right in to calling her grandma. She thinks of them, sends them cards to say hello, reaches out and texts and calls them often.
My parents are local and are very involved with OSS. They tried with YSS but since his alienation has been so severe they quit trying. They were very nice when he was here last and made an effort to see him but that was more a show than actual care at this point. They are human and can only take so much rejection.
So if your daughter has no reason why she can't/shouldn't be included I would take issue with my in-laws as well. I am not sure what I would say but I would probably have lots of excuses on why SD can't go with them. If they start asking why, simply tell them that you and DH don't believe in favoritism among the children.
I can relate
My in laws do the same thing.. my sd is 5 yrs old , and my husbands family treat her like she is a baby. They allow her to act like one when she is around them.. we have a 2 yr old son and a 1 yr old son at home. when shes at home w us she doesnt act like a baby.. I have talked to my in laws nicely several times about not allowing her to act a certain way or do certain thing. and they tell us ok ,but they do the total opposite of what we have asked them not to do... not only that my in laws dont hardly want anything to do with my younger two. When they buy the kids stuff they always buy my sd more things then they buy for our younger 2 and when they do buy stuff for the little ones it's always something cheap and small.. they never want to keep the younger 2 over night and they never ask about them when they call us. I finally decided to not let there actions and behaviors bother me so much. They will never change so y should I let them effect me.. so what I do is.. just let my younger two go to my family's house and I keep my sd w us... when sd gets into trouble at school cuz of how she acts her father has to deal w it.. so he can see what his family has been doing to our 5 yr old... my younger two act older then there sister and listen a whole lot better then there sister.
Same problem here..
Except my bio daughters aren't bothered by SS11 going to his nana's alot bc they get to go with their own grandparents every day they get out of school until I'm off work (same as SS11), it's the fact that my MIL buys SS11 anything and everything and doesn't get my bio daughters not a dang thing and my SS11 comes home bragging.. gets on my NERVES!!!!