Kids not getting equal treatment
My son is 8...he has ADHD and this means he can be very fidgety, noisy, active and a handful at times, but he is a sweet kid with a gentle nature and is not naughty.
My BF lives with me and my son and he gets on great with my son during the week...he teaches him stuff, cuddles him and is very kind - he is the ideal SF. But at weekends, when my SS5 arrives, BF completely changes towards my son and it is starting to get me down.
He rejects my son when SS5 is here...only plays games SS5 wants to play and lets SS5 win almost every battle. SS5 likes video games and my son does not, so BF sits playing video games constantly - ultimately this means my son and I are kind of pushed out of our own living space and can´t watch the TV or anything. Sometimes if I am watching TV and SS5 wants to play video games I get asked to move to the bedroom is my own house! By a 5 year old kid, and BF support him!
If my son wants to play something else, like a board game SS5 says "no, I wnat to play with my Dad on my own". SS5 will only play games when he gets to be the boss, even though he is 3 years younger, and if my son does not follow his orders - SS5 simply says he isn´t playing and walks off. I have tried to introduce ideas to make it fair for them both to choose games, by teaching them how to slip a coin, but if SS5 does not win on the coin toss, he states "it´s not fair" and walks off refusing to play. My BF will then go play with SS5 in whatever game he wants - so SS5 always ends up winning and my son always ends up alone and rejected unless he goes along with what SS5 wants.
He spoils SS5 rotten and treats him like a golden child and just doesn´t seem to see how spoiled he is. SS5 is very cute, sweet and well spoken and he plays BF like a harp. "I love you Dad" and all that crap. Bf eats it up. He even cries!
BF, in his defense, is a good guy, but he was broken up by the divorce and having to leave his child. He cries every Sunday after taking his son home, and his ex has just moved in with her new BF. I think BF is so scared of his son liking it better at his ex´s house, and worried about his son feeling like he has been replaced by a new family that he over compensates. I understand this completely - but at the same time it is not fair on my son and there are two children in this family.
I admit fully, I love my son more than my SS - it is only natural -but I don´t SHOW it. For example today, SS5 came to "tell" that my son had "broken" his toy dogs neck. Turned out, this was an imaginary injury and nothing was actually wrong with the toy. My son had only hit the stuffed dog during a game. totally normal little boy behavior. Instead of telling SS5 to stop whining about dumb stuff, he tried to tell me I had to punish my son for upsetting SS5. Punish a kid for hitting s stuffed toy? If my son comes to "tell" by the way, BF tells him to go away and not tell tales.
In the car, my son requested a song, then SS5 requested another song and started whining so we got no music at all in the end - even thoughn my son had asked first. At the movies, SS5 decided he wanted to sit near Daddy and everybody had to switch seats leaving me far away from the popcorn I was supposed to be sharing.
My son is constantly on time-out at weekends, and never during the week. He has strated to tease SS5 and deliberately tries to annoy him, but I think he is acting out jealousy and resentment which BF does not see. He has been crying as he says he thinks SS5 is a better kid than he is. It´s all very sad for me and my son.
My son is a very sweet and gentle kid and I don´t like him being made to feel second best in his own home. On the other hand, my BF is not a bad guy and I know he cares for my son. I feel sympathy for him and his situation.
this has been going on for a year since we moved in together. I was wondering if anyone had any tips, or similar experiences they could share? I would hate to see such a happy relationship end over something like this, but a motehr feels the need to protect her kid. I am tempted to treat my own son with the same favouritism to see how they like it!
This is absentee father
This is absentee father syndrome which simply means Dad feels guilty that he's not seeing his kid every day and makes up for it on weekends. His boy is being typically age appropriate selfish and not at fault for having his feelings.
In age appropriate language explain to your son what is going on. Even a child can see - once directed properly - that his Step-Father spends a lot of time with him and little time with the other boy. He just needs to have it pointed out and any selfish feelings he may feel re-directed. Children have a sense of 'fairness' - use it - tell your boy that its only fair that the other boy have his cut of the mans time - after all he's getting the majority of it.
And as suggested previously its time for your quality time with your boy.
No my son´s father lives far
No my son´s father lives far away and is not in contact. These are good suggestions, I will try and organise separate time away from BF and SS and will try talking honestly with my son and explaining. This is a good idea.
It is actually not the problem that my son wants BF to play with him...he actually wants SS to play with him, as is only natural when another kid comes to stay. SS is not jealous of my son..his Dad has made sure that has never been the case because he gives such obvious favouritism. SS5 does not even know me and BF are in a relationship or that my son considers him a SD. I think he thinks we are just roomates. Please don´t tell me how weird this is...I know how weird it is...it is something BF and BM decided between them as best.
I don´t expect my BF to stop being a father, my only issue is that if two kids are playing and existing together, both should be disciplined the same with the same set of rules...not one being treated so noticably diferrent from the other. forget that he is my son´s SD...even if he were just a friend of mine I would be very annoyed and would not spend time with someone who did not treat both children fairly when looking after them.
I do understand absentee father syndrome...I am very sympathetic to it, but at the same time it is not me who is going to be affected by it - it´s an 8 year old boy. He has a right to fair and equal treatment in his own home.
What I do want though is for us all to be able to enjoy time together, which is surely the point if we are to be a blended family. BF is about to propose. We have SS three nights a week, every week and holidays too. It´s not like it is an occasional visit.
I do agree though, that maybe I should just ignore it and spend time with my son. A shame for him though, as he is a boy, and he naturally wants to be part of the gang with the other boys.
Tricky situation, but please do not think I am not understanding with BF. our entire lives...where we live, where we take holidays etc, are all run around SS5 and his BMs schedule.
Okay, the other posters have
Okay, the other posters have good points. But it won't work. You can spend quality one on one time with your son, ignore their behavior, etc. but it will ALWAYS come back to this. The SAME exact thing has happened in my relationship, except we are talking about my daughter and his two daughters. My bf does NOT live with me for this very reason (and others). He TOTALLY treats my bd differently when his daughters are with him. He also treats me differently when he has his kids. I've seen many others complain about it on here. I have tried everything. None of it works. These dads are stuck on stupid and they will not change, because in the end, it only matters if it affects HIS kid. My solution is to not move in together, not hang out as one big happy family, and actually now that bm is controlling him more than ever, when he has his kids, he does not exist in my world. I refuse to let HIM let her control MY life with her stupid rules and controls. After what I have dealt with I don't see how ANY step families make it. Life is too short for bullshit!
Hm. That's his son, and from
Hm.
That's his son, and from what I read, that's your son, as in not your BFs. Its great that he can be so nice when his son is not around, but you are asking him to treat his bio the same as a stepkid...
I can understand how it would be confusing for your son, but I would just say that's so and so's Daddy, and he needs special time with him. You should relish the time you can have alone with your bio too. If your son was his son as well I could see where a problem would exist, Daddy favoring between his two kids, but he's not your kid's Dad. He can be his friend, but he's not his Dad, and I wouldn't push for that. He will always want his bio to know he's special to him
sorry.. Any parent would say there is a different feeling between their bios and steps, and you would never EVER want your bio to think you liked the s-kid better. And totally make special time for your kid! He should know you like him better. imo.
I am not asking him to LOVE
I am not asking him to LOVE them the same, just to make them both follow the same rules and allow them both to share importance in the group. If my son has a playdate with a kid from his class....I don´t treat my son better because I love him more or because he is my son. I treat them like two kids playing and both follow the same rules and expectations. This is all I am saying.
You're not asking him to
You're not asking him to really treat them the same, you're asking him to treat them both fairly. There's nothing wrong with that.
We had a similar issue going on in our home. I think a lot of it came from BF's "guilt parenting." His kids were never told no. They would never get in trouble for anything. I think BF felt guilty for spending so much time with my kids and felt like he didn't have enough time with his kids. He wanted them to be happy whenever they were here, so they got whatever they wanted and got away with everything.
We made a list of house rules (no hurting each other, use good words, clean up after yourself, etc.). We discussed the rules with everyone and let the kids come up with consequences for not following the rules. Our kids are younger than yours (2,3,4 & 6), but it worked really well here.
Another big step that helped ... we both discipline the kids. It's not me & mine or him & his. It has to be "us" if it's going to work.
I completely agree this is
I completely agree this is "guilt parenting". I am sure if both kids lived with us full time, then BF would not feel this way. It is the same in my house, BF never says "no". Sometimes I feel like he sort of borders on obsession with his son, which is nice in a way but I feel also like I do not exist at weekends.
I think having house rules would be a good idea. Maybe I will take it on myself to enforce them with BOTH kids if he doesn´t. I just didn`t want to be the "wicked Stepmother" so I guess I ALSO "guilt STEPparent".
We will muddle through it. It is nice to hear others have had the same experiences.
I do feel sympathy for those who donñt get to see their children every day. It must be hard