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Just Married! But my son is ruining it!

JustMarried's picture

My wife and I got married recently.  We don't live together yet as we have been looking for a place big enough for all of us.  

Little background.  She has 3 daughters.  She has them all but one weekend every month.  I have 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls.  I have them roughly 40% of the time.  

But my 15 year old son (my oldest) is ruining everything. 

When my wife and I started dating he really liked my eventual wife.  They got along great.  They would even go and do things together without me.  But last summer my ex-wife, my kids' mother, wanted to get back together with me. (We divorced a few years ago after she had a long term affair)  I said no and continued to see the woman who is now my wife.  However my ex got it into his head that my now wife was the only roadblock to us getting back together.  Which is not true.  I love my wife dearly and want o no part of getting back together.  My other 3 kids were able to blow that off.  But my son struggled.  He began acting out.  With everyone.  He began to be rude to my now wife and her daughters making them all feel uncomfortable.  Even at times making sexual references and calling them names.  I talked to him several times about this.  But it continued, mosly when I had my back turned.  He would also tell me that he felt like I should only spend time with my girlfriend when the kids weren't with me.  Again...my other 3 children were fine with it and loved my girlfriend.  It was just him.  And she has been nothing but sweet and nice to my kids.  But he isn't just acting out with her, he is difficult with everyone.  

We have had several incidents over the past several months but a few weeks ago everything came to a head.  She came over to my place and he just flat out told her to leave and swore at her.  That he didn't want her in "our" house.  She left upset.  I lost it with him and told him that I thought he should not visit for a little while due to the disrespect.  

After a few weeks of no visits I sat down with him a few days ago and told him that I loved him and want him around but that my wife is very important to me, she is my queen and he must treat her with respect.  I told him he doesn't have to call her mom or say "I love you" but he will have respect, including with her daughters, and nothing else will be tolerated.  I told him she is not replacing his mom but she makes me happy and is really good woman.  He seemed to have a sincere change of heart and promised me he would respect her going forward.  But my wife is not comfortable with that and doesn't believe he will really change his behavior.  She does not want to expose herself or her daughters to any more of these types of incidents.  So when he is with me she will not get together anymore.  She doesn't want to see him at all.  She doesn't want to continue the house hunting.  We are stuck.  I love my wife dearly and as my childrens father I really believe she would be a very good thing in their lives.  My other 3 children love her!  I love her daughters.  My son doesn't come for all his visits due to friends and school activities so I see him less than 40% of the time anyway and in just a little over 2 years he'll be graduating from high school.  But I don't want to live apart from my wife for the next 2 years.  

Looking for suggestions from those who have been through this.  Please help!

Survivingstephell's picture

I went thru this with my OSS.  His mother had been brainwashing him his whole life and she turned him into her confidant.  He was big shithead, caused major drama and eventually put his hands on my OBD. They were 13 ish.  Cops called, conversations had and he was given the choice to either follow our rules or he could stop visiting.  He stopped visiting.  The stress level went down in our house for awhile, until BM started working on the rest of the skids.  I don't blame your wife at all, she has to look out for her kids and run your home.  Don't undermine her.  You can see your oldest outside of the home for now and when he can make authentic strides toward an apology and contrition, maybe she will give him another chance. For now he has earned his exclusion with his boneheaded behaviors.  Keep giving him facts , remind him that there is no chance in hell that you will get back with his mother and since he is older, he might need some more details on how poor the marriage really was.  The affair doesn't need to be mentioned yet but the breakdown of the relationship can be discussed as needed.  
Stand by your wife and the expectations of respect for her.  Don't ever drop that if you expect to keep her.  Even though you both have kids from a previous marriage, you still need to make this one a priority and keep the kids a responsibility.  Good luck.  

tog redux's picture

Well, good for your wife for setting boundaries. There are many on this site who allow themselves to be treated like that for years before doing anything (if they ever do anything).

What does your wife need to see to believe he's changed? You should be asking her. Maybe the best plan is to live apart until he's 18, or to continue visits outside of the home.  It's a tough position to be in, but she's doing the right thing by protecting herself and her kids.  It's one thing to try to blend a family, it's another thing to put up with a rude, disrespectful stepkid who has been turned against you by his mother.  Your wife isn't willing to take that, and I don't blame her.

If your son is like his mother, he may be manipulating you, and your wife senses that.

Rags's picture

I applaud your wife for her position on all of this.  If I had spoken to my father's wife as your son speaks to your wife and her daughters my dad would have dragged me to the back yard by a twisted ear and he and I would have gone rounds whether I defended myself or not.  You were way too lenient with your 15yo.  If I were your wife, I would be filing for divorce over your failures as a parent.  That your DS-15 did this more than once without a major ass whupping says enough to your wife about your parenting than she really needs to know in order to purge the toxicity from her life and the lives of her daughters.

Man up dad.  Fix this kid or banish him from your life. I dont' think that there is much more than a snowballs chance in hell of your marriage surviving but if you want it, take direct assertive action to demonstrate to your wife, your other three kids, and your SDs that this asshole 15yo has been dealt with assertively and effectively.

smh

My SS blew up on his mom only once during our marriage.  He was the same age as your DS-15.  I was instantly in his face, he mage the mistake of taking a swing at me and found himself a foot off of the floor with my hands bunching his coat tightly around his chest and my knuckles under his chin planting him against the wall.  He tried to fight with me and was spluttering and foaming at the mouth until I smacked him on the back of the head with one hand, put him back on his feet, then spun him out of the front door into a driving blizzard. His coat came off as he went out the door and one of his shoes had fallen off during the scuffle.  His mom and I were baffled by all of that crap.  After a couple of minutes I opened the door to let him back in and he was barely visible about 100 feet away walking away from our door.  I every few feet he would turn around to look at the door.  I wave him back to the door and he, his mom, and I sat down to discuss the event and make it perfectly clear that he would never again disrespect my wife that way even if she is his mom.  That was a one and done thing.  

You and your nasty rude 15yo need to have your own come to Jesus clarity session where he gains complete and absolute understanding of the fact that if he was not your son you would have beat his ass for speaking in that manner to your wife.

I can not remotely imagine the hell that would have rained down on me if I had spoken to my dad's wife that way.  And his wife of nearly 59 years is my mom.  Hell, she would have knocked me out cold instantly and then all hell would have broken loose when my dad got home and got hold of me.  If I  made the near fatal mistake of pulling that crap in front of him.... oooooooo.

Good luck. You are going to need it to salvage your new marriage.

Tryingitagain's picture

I agree  one hundred percent. He has disrespected her and her daughters more than once!? She needs to run honestly. Yoo should never allow that for her or her daughters. My husband would never allow such things no matter the circumstances, even if she did any problems. She needs to run... and you need to decide what's important. You've shown her first hand how it will be.  

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

I commend you on standing up for your wife, that is very important.

But I do not blame your wife one but for her decision. Once a parent starts to PAS a kid it will not ever stop. I think your wife is very compassionate protecting your kids from potential emotional abuse as well as her own.

I currently live the hell that is PAS. OSD doesn't even speak to SO and now that BM broke one kid she is working on the other. The kicker is she doesn't even want her own kids either. She is just so selfish and cruel she doesn't want them to be happy with anyone else. 

Both my SKs are completely damaged because of the emotional abuse as well as SOs relationship with his own kids. 

I would suggest living seperate and perhaps family counseling as a starting point. See how that goes before progressing further in trying to blend your families 

Shelly015's picture

I am in a similar situation to you only I'm the step mum. I have lived with the shitty behaviour from two kids the minute we moved into the same house. Only my husband hasn't done the right thing by me. He aloud this behaviour to continue. So, good on you for doing what I wish my man would do for me, and standing up and correcting the behaviour. I can't say what will happen in the future for you but I have been living with this torture for four years and it has broken my marriage. Maybe living apart until things  calm down is the best move. I certainly wish I had a way out. I gave up work when I moved to look after the five kids and get my degree so now I have no escape root being financially dependent on my husband.