Just don't know
I just don't know what to do right now. My DH and I have had issues the last few weeks because my youngest, DS11, has really acted out. This kid is normally sooo well behaved and well-mannered and basically a good kid, except for talking non-stop and not doing choresto my standard (he repeats the chores until I'm satisfied). And that's not mom vision seeing him as perfect, because no kid is and that includes my kids.
He actually took something that belonged to another kid as school and this object was broken, resulting in his BD and I paying $400 each for this thing. My consequences were that he's grounded (no friends and no TV...I don't have game systems in my home because that's all he does at BD's home), extra chores (my flower beds desperately needed weeding) and basically he doesn't have any spare time on his hands because I have something for him to do to work off the $400. Additionally, I gave him a lecture about keeping his hands off other people's property and what consequences are for adults who exhibit that behavior and theft is not tolerated period stop. And, being the Southern momma that I am, I busted his behind, something I rarely do. I gave him a talking to about trust and how that is broken and must be earned back. I have not gone easy on him at all because this was a very serious issue and I never want it to happen again.
Granted, my DH is also upset, and rightly so. He also laid into him verbally, but it was more in a way of what a stupid thing it was and asks him "did you steal anything today?" And things like that, which I feel are not helpful and can be very counterproductive.
DH has also been upset about my DD18, who finished her classes for senior year early (formal graduation is in thr Spring) and is working full time at a local fast food place. She doesn't have her license yet, so she uses Uber to get to and from work and pays for it herself and basically funds herself now completely. She unfortunately works the closing shift, which means she doesn't get home until about 1:30 am (she's actually an assistant manager now, too). Because she gets in so late, that means we can't set the alarm on the house at night, and thr dog barks, waking everyone up (my husband is only home on weekends because of his work and has to get up at 4am on Monday mornings to drive back to work).
DH has been yelling at me over all of this....saying how he doesn't even want DD18 in the house when we aren't there (she hasn't done anything wrong, but spends much of her time not at work in her room unless its mealtime or I ask her to come out).
I can't stand being yelled at ...my nerves are frayed. I completely get the anger at the actions of my youngest, but I have done all I know to do at this point...I don't know whT else I can do.
My DD18's work schedule isn't ideal, but she's working, paying her own way and has mentioned looking for an apartment after she gets her license. She doesn't want to go to college yet because she isn't sure what she wants to do, so she doesn't want to take out loans she has to repay until she figures out what she wants to do.
I actually let leaving enter my mind yesterday and I don't know ....I have dealt with other SK/SGK drama and made it out, so I don't know if I should walk now or see what comes next.
does the children's father
does the children's father get visitation (didn't know.. not sure if you have told us).
If her dad is in the area... and you know your DH has an issue.. perhaps especially with sunday night when he has to get up so early monday morning.. she might stay with her dad that night? I can really sympathize with him.. I get up at 4 am 3 days a week.. and if someone came home at 2am and woke me up??? I would be livid.. really.. it would be awfully tough to deal with that.
I think you do need to get onboard with her and her exit plan.. that includes getting her license.. which seems kind of behind at this point (inthe USA). I would say that if she does think of going to college at any point. she could be taking the basic classes that all college kids need to take.. there are some that pretty much all majors would need.. and she may qualify for financial aid that is not a loan.. her job may even offer some tuition reimbursement ? she should look into it. You need to decide (and potentially involve your DH).. in how long and what the conditions are for her to live at home.
I think you can and should talk to your husband about your son. I would tell him that his joke isn't funny and by making a joke about it to the kid.. it actually is undercutting the seriousness.. (even if he is not saying it joke like.. really). I have dealt with my son, he understands the severity of his actions.. and he is being made to atone. He is my son.. you need to let me deal with it.
Thank you...yes, that's a
Thank you...yes, that's a great idea asking her to spend Sunday nights at her dad's...he's in town and we've had joint custody and is a great father for the most part. I will definitely mention that. Surely that will help the situation some!
She has an appointment to try for her permit coming up and hopefully she passes and goes on to get her license soon!
We haven't reached the point of discussing her plans to leave home yet, but she's casually mentioned getting an apartment, so I know she's thinking. Hopefully once she's driving we can talk about it more.
So..... he is yelling at you
So..... he is yelling at you about your daughter? Like, actually yelling? I can see maybe it happening once in a heat of the moment type thing? Is it over and over?
How does he treat you otherwise? I can't imagine if this is a one-off and he normally treats you well and you have a good relationship that you would be thinking "maybe I should leave"...
Is it really *these two* situations making you want to leave, or are they just the final straws?
Sometimes, after things pile high enough, you are just done. Are you?
Are you thinking "I can't deal with husband acting this way THIS time" OR are you thinking "I can't deal with husband acting this way AGAIN/STILL/ANY MORE".
I know there are a lot of people that think kids should be *out of the house* right at 18 but that just really isn't very realistic anymore. Particularly with the price of renting (apartments or homes) and the price of literally everything else due to inflation and the recession that is coming soon (or already here depending on who you talk to).
Your daughter is working, and imho being responsible in not just signing up for college when she doesn't know what she wants to do. Also, on campus housing is expensive too. Sometimes even more expensive than off campus. Also, since she is working, she may not qualify for any "aid", particularly depending on you/husband's salaries. Aid is based on that also. So, loans....?
Working in fast food - assistant manager - will give her hands on experience in operations, inventory control, accounting, hr.... it may help her decide what she is interested in. Or, maybe she will continue to grow with that company and make it a career - plenty of people DO and end up with very good careers (if you work hard you can earn a very good living higher up in operations and/or become a franchisee).
I think pushing her out at 18, when she is being a responsible young adult, isn't a very good idea - it sounds like you wouldn't consider if it was *only* up to you.
So, back to - does husband treat you well otherwise? Are you willing to push daughter out to appease husband? Is he worth it?
ETA: About your son. Yes, what he did was not good. Bad. And you sound to be handling it well. However, it does sound like he's trying to pump it up and 'not let your son be anything else'. Like, yes, he made rhe mistake but don't pigeonhole him as 'just a theif forever' for a one time indiscretion at 11 years old either? Does he alway make extreme examples? Or is he trying to be helpful (but failing).
It's hard to be completely honest about this
But I feel a sense of safety here in that I won't face horrible judgement and be made to feel that I have failed yet again....
In truth, I'm not super excited about DD18 moving out just yet...I feel like she needs to mature a little more and she's doing well so far...and rent where we live is oh so high! I expect her to struggle like everyone does to a degree when they're young, but I don't want to push too much too fast. She's being responsible and doesn't ask me for a dime. In fact she ordered a help fresh kit and cooked for me one day because she knew I was tired. She was off work today and did some chores around the house that help me out significantly.
DH may be hostile because his DD22 is married with one child and one on the way, her husband hasn't worked in over a year, is lazy and they live with his exwife. He may be projecting, but I could be wrong.
With my youngest, what he did was inexcusable, but he is trying to earn his way back into good graces. He is young and will screw up in other ways as he grows up, I'm sure...but he's being punished as much as I know to punish him and I think the consequences I've given him are fitting and fair. But DH is definitely not showing signs of doing anything but belittling. Ans just last night he got a message from his oldest child, a 24 yo that they had recently been caught trespassing and who knows what else because they didn't say and the police let them off with a warning....and all DH said was that this kid learned a lesson and at least was honest...and don't do it again. I think sometimes he harder on my kids because he wants them to "be better"...he's even said as much, but I don't think he's getting it done the way he approaches things.
As for the yelling...yes, it was yelling and it was at me. And it isn't the first time. And I don't handle being yelled at well. I'm a fairly level person and can and have handled stress often in my life....I was a single mom of three with a full time job and no family so I have definitely known stress. But I'm struggling to handle it from the one person who I look to for support and encouragement when things aren't going well. Honestly he makes me feel like I could and should do "better".
And I'm not even mentioning the way he's made me feel in dealing with his ex and telling me I'm too sensitive for feeling less than a priority....but it all adds up and takes a toll over time.
Tomorrow is our anniversary....I arranged a photo session for it this weekend and after all the blaming I've received for how my kids do this, don't do that and that he is "going to be pissed at a lot of people " if anyone goes into our room and bothers his things. He seems afraid my youngest will bother his things...which he's no longer here when I'm not, so my DD doesn't watch him ...I found a new sitter for him yesterday because I didn't want to hear it anymore...
I just want to do the right thing. My kids are my responsibility and I take it seriously. I want a husband, my DH and I have had a great relationship at times and right now it feels like it's in the toilet to me...but he acts like it's just another day. He knows his words reduce me to tears and he will stonewall me and not respond to messages (we video message each other when he's away during the week). He knows saying good night and I've you are important to me and when he's upset like this he doesn't do it. I've stopped calling him out on it because it does effect him.
I'm just at a loss on what the "right thing" is at the moment.
Part of me wants to go rent an apartment and get the hell out, but part of me says wait....I just don't know.
How he treats me sometimes feels like verbal abuse. I don't even know if he's aware he's doing it.
i can absolutely comiserate
i can absolutely comiserate about having a spouse that works away from home for long stretches.. while you do have your weekends.. he is gone the majority of the time. I don't think that people understand the stress and pressure that can put on a relationship.
First, there is the obvious insecurity insecurity about fidelity issues. In my case.. my DH worked on a ship offshore.. so his opportunity was not there so much (unless I reallly don't know him..lol).. but I obviously was home.. working.. around lots of people.. and obviously.. if I had had any inclination.. I could have easily done it.. I didn't.. had plenty to occupy myself and had no desire.. but that is what most people have a worry about. And.. my DH had many coworkers who were constantly overwrought at their girl back home cheating and spending their paychecks on another guy.
But then, there is the 2nd thing which is you become unreliant on him in many ways.. you are your own person during the week.. outt here kicking "azz" and taking names... getting things done.. managing not only your life.. but your joint obligations he can't deal with becaus he is gone.. you develop habits and ways of doing things that are uniquely "your way".. you develop a schedule that suits you..Then your partner comes home and he is a fly in the ointment.. you aren't used to him being there.. he is to be honest.. sometimes in the way.. and obstructing your normal flow... that is stressful... and you may find yourself getting irritated or dictating to him how to do things.. and he may get touchy as a result of that "nitpicking".
Which brings you to a 3rd issue. When you have precious little time with your SO.. there is so much PRESSURE to make that time wonderful.. to be in a good mood.. to make things go right.. and sometimes.. we just aren't in a good mood (maybe from the prior point.. irritable at our schedule getting upended).. or we had a bad day at work... frustrated over the situation where we are separated etc.. Then you hear the mutual "aren't you happy to see me"? and it's complicated.. because you ARE .. but if you are anything like me.. you like your little routine.. and when my DH is around 24/7.. we are both in it.. when he was gone weeks to months at a time? my schedule kind of omitted him.. and the shift back was hard. I think this is why I can empathize with Skids going back and forth to homes.. it's not that the necessarily hate one parent or another.. but the shift can take some mental toll on them..
So, in your case... I can se a lot of pressure to make those weekends go well.. I might suggest that weekends might be a great time for one or both of your kids to spend more time with dad.. you and your partner have enough pressure from your situation to need a bit more effort to concentrate on just the two of you.. maybe not every weekend.. but 2 to 3 a month.. at least sat and for your daughter sunday due to her schedule.
Now for the other two issues..
first, I do not blame you for not wanting to kick your daughter out right away.. and with your younger son at home.. she may even be able to help you with some child minding.. and certainly can help with your chore load. (which it sounds like she does). What I might do though is try to work up a plan that might allow her time to save up and figure out what she needs to do to become independent. Like.. she pays you rent.. (which you could save part of to give back to her when she does move out to cover deposits and setting up her new home).. 500 a month perhaps.. that would add up in a year to a nice little chunk. You could consider that she should pay a share of her phone/utilities as well.. and cost to cover her health insurance if there is an extra cost for that. And... you set a time frame for her to shoot for.. it might not be 19.. but maybe it's 18 months.. or maybe it's 20.. or 21.. and you should probably have a conversation with your DH about his feelings about that and work up a plan that everyone can live with.. even if it isn't the one you want the most.. Part of it should also be that she gets her license.. and you want to be sure she doesn't get herself into some super expensive car payment that will torpedo her ability to fly the nest at the planned time (though paying for ubers.. must add up too).
For the issue with your son. You do need to have a direct talk with your DH the next time (if there is a next time).. about that. Don't do it in front of your son... you don't want to give any impression you are marginalizing the gravity of what he did.. but for your DH the message needs to be. "Honey, I know what DS did was upsetting and wrong, You and I both know he was raised to know better than to do what he did. But.. he has admitted his fault, he is suffering the consequences for his actions and he has shown remorse for it.. and he has generally not been a problem kid and constantly bringing it up is not helpful and I need for you to trust how I parent my son and lay off the comments. At this point, it's enough"
You hit a lot of nails on the head
Here. My DH has almost always worked out of town because that's the nature of his work...and it can definitely be hard when we have pressure (ar least I do) to make weekends good.
My kiddos...the oldest DS and DD are from my first marriage and my youngest DS is from my second marriage, so the 2 at home have different dads but I have tried to keep their schedules with me so they have that sibling relationship. My 1st husband is a good guy and a great dad who has always been there and disciplined and shown love and done what I consider to be the right thing. My 2nd husband is an a$$ that throws his hands up and gives him a video game to tells him to watch TV....do I have to counter that in my parenting and its tough.
My routine through the week is just work, pick up kid(s), make dinners, pack lunches, take care of the dog, do laundry....mundane and pretty robotic. My DH goes out to eat most evenings with coworkers and they sit outside their hotel and talk and several nights a week we have a video call with SD and SGK, or sometimes it's BM and SGK. The last few weeks I've hopped off these calls about 8 pm or so because I'm not really spoken to all that much and I have $h!t to do. Sometimes DH and BM chatter away and I'm really tired if hearing it.
I don't worry about infidelity on his part. But he speaks kindly to BM and I get yelled at, so that hurts me. And I'm too tired to have an affair if I wanted one, but I don't...no worries there. My jealousy does flare when I feel like I'm not treated as kindly as BM and over time I've just learned to not take part and to hell with it.
I try too hard to make weekends good...I've stopped that. He watches TV or does something in the garage. I clean house and do laundry. I cook or we might have a meal out. I've stopped asking for dates because even if we went somewhere they would often ben interrupted by a video call with SGK ( almost 2 years old). So I've been coasting along and going with the flow, lowered expectations to avoid more disappointment.
My DD won't face a lot of pressure from me to move out anytime soon....and I will definitely talk to her about saving money. She has a savings account and besides Uber, she doesn't have big expenses. She's going to get a credit card to work on building a credit history to help her out, too.
She and DS are at their dad's every other weekend, so that definitely helps. DS is with me for 2 days, then his dad 2 days and alternate weekends. Its definitely nice to have a break! Everyone needs one.
We are supposed to have anniversary photo done tomorrow and I'm nervous....I can't cancel, but my heart is hurting and it might be tense.
Having her actually pay rent
Having her actually pay rent can do two things.. first.. it gets her used to not having her whole paycheck at her disposal.. 2nd.. if you put it away on her behalf... then she does have an emergency fund set when she needs it. (she should save on top of the "rent")
As far as your DH.. you have to do some soul searching.. has he always been one to yell.. lose his cool.. or is this more recent.. maybe stress over work or other things have piled on? Would he be open ot any counseling.. a lot can be done online these days.. and that might suit your weeklong out of town schedule for him.
I'm not necessarily one to just say.. fine whatever leave or stay. but he shouldn't be yelling at you.. but I think sometimes when people feel they have no control (and he is absentee which may feed into that).. they resort to those kinds of things.
Yes, yes, and yes!
I will definitely talk to her about paying rent, which I will save most if not all for her to have a nest egg when she does move out. Definitely a great idea!
Last year I asked him to to go to counseling with me and at first he agreed, but then changed his mind. We weren't seeing eye to eye about our relationship not being a priority in my opinion...and at that time he was with another company and only had Sundays off and there was a period of time that he worked 7 days a week (it was an hour away, but too far to commute because of severe traffic issues, so he stayed there) 12 hours a day. I would go on Saturday or Sunday evening and grab his laundry, bring a fresh supply for the week and we'd have dinner. He was exhausted ....but when there was a birthday, graduation or whatever with DD or SGK, he managed to take a couple of days off and we went out of state...but he wouldn't do that to spend time with me. I asked one final time on our way home from a visit and he exploded and I haven't asked since.
I have been mindful that he is exhausted, he works long hard hours and is away from home and he has some health issues that all have a role to play in how he reacts and handles things. I did repeatedly ask if he could carve out time for me and it never happened and the final explosion caused me to just stop.
The recent explosions I'm sure are made worse by the same stressor, but he now works 5 days a week, so that was helping some with the exhaustion.
I also don't think he realizes or understands I work a full time job and come home to pull 2nd shift with my responsibilities there. I don't get to go out to dinner and chat with people...I'm still holding down the fort and managing the house. I don't stop till I fall into bed. But I don't complain about it because it's a part of being a mom...I just do it...but in the end, my days are even longer than his. I don't hop on a video message and just bitch about what I don't like, such as "I hope your daughter isn't coming in at 1:30 in the morning so we can set the alarm!".....I understand his frustration, but I can't change her schedule and she's asked to be moved to days, but there's no spot open on day shift right now....
Anyway....yeah, I have no doubt other stuff adds to his stress and for whatever reasons, I am the one who feels the impact when he goes off about it.
I know he's not happy with his DD and her life. But tell her...not me...I can't do anything about it. And as for his oldest....I don't go there. They have had a rocky relationship and I just stay out of it and act polite when I'm spoken to. This one has a college education but no real common sense...also lives with BM and has a local factory job. This one asked us a few days ago if we were coming for Thanksgiving....I wanted to scream that I don't want to spend Thanksgiving with my husband's exwife. This one also told me they were conceived on Valentines Day, as if to ensure I knew the parents had relations. So I just smile and nod when appropriate and bite my tongue a lot.
I can deal with a lot and I have been coping better thanks to counseling with the SK and BM stuff, setting boundaries and what not....but the yelling had to stop or I will have to go. In all honesty, I am not confrontational, but I will eventually yell back and I don't like who I am on the rare occasions that's happened in my life.
It might be different if he had suggestions to help change things or to help, but he's just yelling at me to do something and I don't have solutions and I can't think straight or clearly when I'm pressured like that. It literally impacts my memory and I don't function as well. I hate to admit that.
The next time he yells,
The next time he yells, breathe deeply, count to ten, then look him in the eye, go full-in ice maiden and say "DH, that is the LAST time you will yell at me. What do you hope to achieve by yelling at me that you couldn't achieve by asking me respectfully? Nothing. So stop doing it."
I'd add a few more choice phrases and words (bully, big mouth, abuse, ...) but they wouldn't be helpful in your case.
Practice saying it in a mirror until you know you can do it without wavering.
I want to jump in on the rent
I want to jump in on the rent thing. My SS22 is Autistic, and probably won't ever live on his own. He has been paying rent since he was 18. Almost 100% of the rent goes into a savings accout that he doesn't know we have. He has over 10K in there (he only pays $150/month). We plan on using it to buy a car when he gets a license. You can do the same with your daughter. Set up a savings accout for her. Gift it to her when she moves out for a savings fund, or even keep it for when she needs help later on- because all young adults need help while they are learning to live on their own.
I am glad to see you are
I am glad to see you are considering all of your options. Being a dick to your son for doing a dumb teenager thing needs to stop. YELLING at you for your daughter being responsible and working is ridiculous. The house doesn't belong solely to him. Get some ear plugs buddy!
So many on here would do anything to get their stepkid working and doing ANYTHING with their lives. It sounds like your DD has a good head on her shoulders and is trying. Your son, sure, he did a dumb thing and had consequences for it. He is a teenager, he is going to do more dumb things! If your "partner" can't handle that, it sounds like he is not the right partner.
Update....
So over last last couple of weeks there have been developments in the possible source of his frustration...not that he has an excuse for yelling at me, regardless...
SD's husband was just arrested...multiple felonies for theft. And SD admitted to her dad he's been using drugs.
I get his worry for her...she's young with a young child and another on the way....she lives with BM in another state.
DH and DS11 went this weekend to vist...my son had a ball and enjoyed the time with DH. It sounds like BM and DH are trying to talk to SD about kicking her H to the curb, but she's not interested. BM isn't pushing her because she's apparently afraid she won't get to see the baby (babies). And its just a mess.
I think I'm going to go on auto pilot for a little while and see what happens. If DH gets out of line, I will have to tell him he can't yell at me and expect that to help the situation. Either he'll get it or he won't.
I'm bothered by him being hyper focused on SD's issues but it is what it is.
I know long term, I just can't with how he is.