You are here

just don't have that "biological" feeling

aidenjames's picture

I have been with my dh for 2.5 almost 3 years now. He has two children one son 3.5 and a 6 year old daughter. I care for his children and just adore his daughter. I just had a son of my own who is 2 months old now. WOW what a difference for me. I feel bad because I certainly don't have the same feelings for the other two children as I do for my own. The love I feel for them is nothing compared to the love i feel for my own son. I want to believe i treat my dh children the way I would my own but after having my own I don't know! I guess I will know more when he is older but I feel bad because no matter how hard I try I just cannot get the same feelings for these two children as I do my own. How is everyone else with their own children compared to their step children. What do you do to make sure that his/her children are not treated any differently than your own child?

StepChicka's picture

All I can say is don't beat yourself up over feeling this way. Your bio-son will soon be throwing sippy cups, creating a fuss over bathtime, and making boulder oragamis out your files in no time. That should level love margin considerably.

buttercup123's picture

Sounds pretty normal to me. I hate snot nosed kids that are screaming at the mall but I love my skids. That child is your blood. You carried that child inside of you for 9 months. I should hope that you feel more strongly about what is yours.

Mantra_Momma's picture

I just read something about this in "Stepmonster". Of course you don't feel the same way about your stepkids as you do your biological child. No matter how much you love them, the truth is they are not your kids. I think even if SD and I got along I wouldn't feel the same about her as I do my daughter. I would do anything for my little bundle.

notthewickedstepmom's picture

I really know what you're going through!!! DH and I have been married a little over a year, and were together for about a year before that. My SS is 8 and I thought that I loved him as much as I could love any child. That is, until my daughter was born 4 months ago. I went through a period of time when the baby first came home, where I'd dread ss's weekend visits. He was super jealous and would go out of his way to get attention from DH or anyone else who happened to be around. Logically, I knew all this was normal, but when he started to say things like "I'm Daddy's favorite" it began to take its toll. I was already coping with the discovery that the two loves are different, but now he was just downright irritating.

Its been 4 months, and I can't say I'm totally over it, but I'm getting better. He's so loving and sweet it's hard not to adore him, but he is 8. I try to remind myself that he is dealing with having a baby sister when he'd been the only "favorite" for lots of people for 8 years.

Our feelings are normal, and I expect that over time, as we see them grow up and our influences on their lives become more apparent, we will love them in a deep way that is different (and in someways deeper) than how we feel for our bio-kids...this is the child (children in your case) you chose.

salexius's picture

You're feelings are totally normal! Why does everyone expect that you would feel the same towards your stepchildren as you do your own children? It's just not going to happen. My boyfriend couldn't understand this until I asked a simple question: Would you ever want to adopt a child? His answer was basically H*** No -why would I raise a child that isn't my own!!! Well, my point exactly. You sound like a loving mom - to all kids. Hang in there!