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" It's NOT like an infant will care..." What did you say, DH???

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

I was making myself LOUD and CLEAR last night that I am not happy with always postponing holidays for a 6 year old who could care less about seeing her dad, unless he is buying her something or feeding her french fries on a daily basis.

Hello DH? There are also "other" family members here who actually deserve to celebrate these dates on the real dates? I asked him about what we will do when the baby arrives for the holidays. What did he answer? " It's not like an infant will even care what day it is." WRONG answer buddy. I jumped his shit over that with the following;

" Oh really? Did you say that when your daughter was a baby?"

DH: "" Me: "I know you didn't. There are still freaking VHS tapes laying around of EVERY single Christmas of the 3 of you, since SD6 was born." :sick:

Yes, I am sorry to say, but I did look at them when I was alone. It made me gag. I mean, a gazillion presents for a baby on Christmas Day. Yet "this" baby will not even notice? Oh hell to the no. It does not work that way dear. Screw that. I will give this baby everything that he or she deserves.

Am I wrong? DH "weakly" replied with, "Oh well...we can keep leftovers or whatever for SD6 when she *decides* to visit and do it all over again. We can have as many holidays as we need." Seriously? We are not made of money here. I'm so sick of his lame guilt and now I am pregnant...That remark really ticked Butterfly off.

Thanks in advance for letting my hormones vent~

Elizabeth's picture

I don't blame you for being upset. DH tried to pull that with SD (then 10) when our first BD was born. Before that time, we could "shift" the holidays to accommodate SD being here (DH and BM alternated Christmas Eve and Christmas Day). But I quickly made it clear to DH that, because BD was the primary child residing in OUR home, the holidays would follow a traditional schedule for BD's sake. If SD was there for Christmas Eve instead of Christmas, we allowed her to open her gifts and allowed BD to open maybe one at the same time. If SD was there on Christmas Day, she opened her gifts at the same time as everyone else.

Bottom line, this is the only home YOUR child will have and that child deserves to have normal holidays, and SD will just have to adjust. She's older, she'll understand.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

Thank you! Exactly my point!

I fear that this is only the beginning of watching dad's guilt grow after the baby comes. Not good.

Thanks so much for understanding!

Frustrated New Wife's picture

I'm sorry Butterfly Sad I know you were already feeling anxious about this and I hate that your DH is already proving you right. You were absolutely right in this. There is no reason why your child should have to adhere to SD's schedule. She/he will be in your home full time and that is where the priority should be. You should give your baby everything she/he deserves! DH needs to tighten up and get over the guilty daddy sh*t with a baby on the way. If he is so excited about the baby, then he needs to man up and straighten up. IMO, of course.

stepmom31's picture

I'm feeling you Butterfly.

I'm looking at a minimal present Christmas and Birthday for baby because we can't afford much right now. But I do wish it could be more like what the stepkids had when they were babies. Sure, baby doesn't care or is not aware NOW, but SD and SS still have Special Baby Gifts that they pull out every now and again and reminisce about times they were too young to even remember.

"I got this when I came home from the hospital!"
"Santa gave me this for my first Christmas!"
"Everyone signed this for me when I was one!"

Meanwhile we've bought nothing but the essentials for this baby thus far, makes me feel sad. And makes me feel bad that when shes asks about it in the future, when her bro and sis pull their stuff out to tell their stories, she might feel terrible.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

See? You have proven my point. What you just shared with me breaks my heart for both of us. That is NOT fair to an innocent child. Spoil one or two others and forget the next? No.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

Call me crazy but do you want to know why I "feel" like he wants to have this baby? Ready? I think he has been afraid of me walking out on his dramas for a long, long time now. I've threatened him many times already that if certain "things" ( mainly BM and PASsed out SD6) did not stop, I was outta there!!! So, just like women "trap" a guy with a pregnancy, so can a man with a woman...I'm serious. I really do feel that way. He thinks this baby will keep me with him...LMAO. No...

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

Let me add that "when" SD6 was emaculated, I mean born, Dear Daddy bought an entire WHITE picket fence that both BM and SD6 have today in the house that DH "gave" to them via the divorce. There is no thrill in this pregnancy though. I'm paying the lease and buying food while he pays on other bills and stupid things. (including prior debts) I am NOT thrilled about this as I keep saying.

I know that these are just "things" but I do not want my child growing up and seeing one sibling with it ALL and her mother, and rubbing this baby's nose in sh** later on...

" Daddy got *us* all of this....."

Frustrated New Wife's picture

Yeah, I don't think so. If he keeps up this crap, all it is going to do is push you away...not bring you closer. Men are so stupid. How about change you behavior and start raising the child you have to be a normal human being? But instead, his thinking is "she will stay if we have this baby"...LMAO, so typical.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

Yeah, keep "her" barefoot and pregnant, forget that extra MS she was going back to gain next fall...

* Bring out the caveman and club *

caregiver1127's picture

To be honest Butterfly this first Christmas will not be about the baby - he/she will not even have a clue that it is happening what it is about is that you will be making a memory for the baby - whether it be a video tape or pictures it will be something you can show her/him later in life - what will really start to make the difference is when he/she gets older and you can't have Christmas on Christmas that is when it will matter - I had the same situation when SS lived with us full time - we would have to celebrate early so that he could celebrate with us. When DD was born that was okay - she slept through most of the day and even at 1 she had no clue but I still made us have 2 Christmases after SS left to go visit his mother. Luckily he moved back with BM - at that time DD was a little over 2 and completely understood what the day was - so we do have Christmas on Christmas but I remember when she was 1 I was so pissed that we had to have it early.

It is a tough situation and if SD6 does not want to come to your house you push right from the start that you celebrate Christmas on Christmas - I don't think it is so much that we want to celebrate Christmas on Christmas as the fact that we want to be treated and have everything that the first wife and child had - which is usually not the case because our DH's are paying for the first wife and kid.

I remember when I was pregnant and having to go to the baby store and buying the floor model crib and not getting a changing table until I found one at a garage sale for $30.00 and then having to paint it myself and not having a glider to rock the baby in until my friend gave me one but there was no back cushion so I had to make a cushion and then I stumbled upon SS's nursery pictures and about had a cow - he had the $500 crib that changed in a toddler bed and then he had the matching changing table and dresser and the glider was one of those gorgeous ones with the ottoman - and here we were struggling because BM was paying such a small amount of CS and DH was making a 1/3 of what he use to make -

BM never worked when she was with DH - but now has to work full time and I have always worked and now I am a SAHM - running my own companies but still am at home my own boss and DH's has gotten raises and promotions at work and life is getting real good now - it is 6 1/2 years into the marriage but things are finally working out and money is becoming less of an issue. Also my one saving grace was that my DD was too small to realize that she did not have the best of everything but now that she is getting older we are able to provide for her and give her more things so I am happy that now that she is older I can do more for her when she can realize it and not when she was younger and won't remember it.

So I guess what I am trying to say is just stick it out - stick to your guns and make those memories for your baby so that when they are older they can see what happened in the first years of their life - try not to be jealous of BM and her spawn and just remember if your guy is great then you got the guy and your child has a full time father not part time. I will also say that I feel that my DH loves my DD more than SS - not because he is far away but because I think he reminds DH of BM and also BM makes it very hard to even want to be on the phone with her - so stay calm and let us know what sex the baby is and what your name it!!!

aggravated1's picture

Let me tell you what DH did...and that was the end of waiting for ANYTHING when it came to the stepkids. This was about 3 years ago, maybe, so DD was 11 and DS was 14, and we bought a Wii that was a gift for all the kids.

This was the year that they were really hard to find, so we were so excited we were able to find one. The SK's were supposed to be there Christmas morning, but they cussed their dad out that year and said they were going to be there at noon Christmas day, because they wanted to be with their mom. Soooo, Christmas morning,I do a scavenger hunt for the Wii. My kids loved it!

It was their big gift, so no WAY was I going to make them wait until noon to know what their big gift was because SK's were being asswipes. So, they find it, and DH tells them they can't open it or play it until noon when Sk's are coming in. The kids were fine with that, I was fine with it, until SK's didn't show up until 6 p.m.

You want to talk about a misereable day??? BK's are DYING to play the Wii, Dh is making them wait, and he is running and checking the doors and windows every 5 minutes the whole DAMN DAY, looking for his precious spawn. They showed up, finally, grabbed their stuff, and basically ran out the door, didn't even stay the night.

I was done, and never again have I waited to do anything because of them, and I never will again. Then, get this-the next year, BM buys them a Wii. They promptly come in and steal all of BK's games and take them home to their house.

Rags's picture

I agree that special occasions/holidays should not be postponed to accommodate Skids. They are what they are. If the Skids are not with you and your family, they will celebrate the holiday with the other parent and any associated family on that side of their blended family.

It took several years but eventually my wife and decided that we would no longer postpone vacations, holidays, etc... to accommodate SpermClan visitation. We gave the kid a choice. Call BioDad and the SpermClan and tell them when he will be visiting and when he will be leaving to return home if he wants to participate in our summer family plans or miss them. We started this when he was ~14-15.

Fortunately for us Christmas/Winter Holiday visitation was fixed in the CO. Even years SS went to SpermLand from the day school is out until Dec-24. Odd years he went to SpermLand from Dec-26 until the day before school starts.

We celebrate Christmas on Christmas AM and have our family gatherings on Christmas Eve and Christmas AM and all day so he was always with us on Christmas Eve evening and Christmas Day. The SpermClan does not celebrate Christmas due to their affiliation with some obscure Christian Sect that does not believe in Christmas. If he was with us he celebrates New Years, if it was an Odd year he was with the SpermClan.

When he was not with us we of course missed him and my wife would shed a tear or two because he could not be with us for the holiday but we decided enjoying the holiday was the best way for us to handle it whether the Skid was home or not.

This year, now that he is 18, there is no SpermClan visitation and since we are not paying for half of the travel costs no one from the SpermClan has called to even broach the topic of visiting SpermLand.

I believe that there will be no more visits to SpermLand for years until SS is self sufficiently employed and can pay for the trip. My wife and I refuse to spend another dime in any way that will benefit the SpermClan and they don't have the money or give a shit enough to send the kid a round trip ticket to visit.

On one hand it is sad for the Skid, on the other it is a great thing that his exposure to the SpermClan toothless moron toxic crap will be significantly reduced.

Enjoy your holiday.

Best regards,

purpledaisies's picture

This is what we have done every year and no question! We ALWAYS have christmas dinner on CHRISTMAS! We have skids every other year on the day and the other years on the eve. We let Skids open their gifts on the eve if we have them but we do not do the dinner or our family come over NO! Just us and the kids like always doing our traditional christmas eve with the exception of the skids opening their gifts. IF we have them on the day we do the traditional christmas that we always do. Like I said the only thing that is different is that we let them open their gifts on the eve if we have them on the eve for that year. My kids only get to open 1 on the eve.

SillyGilly's picture

Why does a six year old get to decide when she is coming over? Shouldn't there be a system in place so you know when she is comnig over for Christmas? I totally agree, you should be able to have Christmas on Christmas. If there was a schedule in place that would help balance things but waiting aroudn for a six year old to decide when YOU can have your Xmas? I don't think so.... Just plan your holiday as you want to and it will be very special!

purpledaisies's picture

I agree with Silly here why is a 6 year making that choice? Is there a parenting plan? AND if not why is your dh letting bm do this? I would just plain out tell; my dh that there are other family members that we need to consider and the world doesn't revolve around 1 person!

DaizyDuke's picture

I agree that christmas, Thanksgiving what have you should not revolve around Skid/BM schedule. I say what time we eat for Thanksgiving, if Skids are there then fine, if not then they don't eat with us. We get up on Christmas morning and do the "Christmas" thing.. we don't sit around and wait for Skids to show up before exchanging gifts etc.

come on Skid has it made anyway.. gets to have like 5 Christmases! Christmas with BM, Christmas with dad, Christmas with grandma, etc etc. And at age 6??? I don't think she is going to give a crap about what day she is getting presents on any more so than your infant child is!

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

They do not know the meaning of a "set" CO. BM has turned poor SD6 against her dad and she only comes literally around the block as she "wishes."

There is no way I would let a 6 year old treat me like that as their parent, ever.

"Tough luck kid, I'm your dad- take it or leave it but you are coming with me."

Anyways, that is why it does not matter if we move a few counties away, IMHO, we both need to make more monies for ALL the kiddos.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

I agree. SD6 has around 6 set christmas visits every year.

Must be nice, so why all the guilt? Please!