It's Like a Jungle Sometimes...
I have been living with my boyfriend for almost a year now, and my 16 year old son just moved in with us after I was awarded custody. Since October, my boyfriend has encouraged me to have the custody changed as the situation my son was living in was very poor. My son also wanted to come live with us, as he likes our town, our home and generally the kind of life we lead. (We're quite solidly middle-class in a relatively upwardly mobile area and my son was living in a shack with his bio-dad...it's been hell trying to get him out of there for the last few years).
Fast forward to the last month...my son has demonstrated a moderate level of disrespect toward my partner in his attitude and demeanor. My partner owns the home we live in as well as the home we're in the process of remodeling for ALL of us (his kids and mine). He has gone above and beyond for both me and my son (which my son almost always forgets when he's feeling all moody and adolescent). I remind him that my partner always goes the extra mile for us, because he loves me and he wants him (son) to be happy, if that's possible.
In the last week, my partner has gone off on him about things that I just don't understand. (He failed a test recently and was very embarrassed by that-my partner blew up MAJORLY at him because Son didn't want me to say what had happened-my partner asked and I told him it didn't go well-my son showed his behind and that's what precipitated the blow up). And my child's birthday passed recently, and unbeknownst to me, my partner had planned a special outing for my son and his child to celebrate this birthday. Well, after the failed test and the eruption that followed that got completely cancelled. I didn't even know he had planned it until he told me that son had "F***ED everything up for his birthday" by spouting off about the test. My child was crushed when he found out that my boyfriend took his child on this special excursion that neither of us knew was even planned. He feels like he was robbed of a birthday gift, and I reminded him had he not pitched a hissy about me telling my boyfriend about the test that it wouldn't have gone down that way. (He grudgingly agreed that he could have handled it better). They both apologized to each other about the blow up...and then...
In the last week, my partner has said to my son, "If you aren't happy then you can get out. Go. I don't have to put up with your S**T, this is my home! Your mom is going to have to make a choice! What do you think she'll choose?" and then most recently, after the eruption about the test, he told Son, "Hey, she chose me over you! How does THAT feel? Do you feel like you're running things now? Because you don't run a D**N thing here! You're not in charge of anything here!"
These statements were both said in an extremely angry and over-the-top manner (yelling, screaming stuff) and according to my partner, were said to "get him to get his head on straight" (meaning Son). Apparently there is a power struggle of massive proportions going on between them over who gets to have me. This, to me, is completely ridiculous and quite frankly I am sick of feeling like I'm being forced into a tug-of-war between this 45 year old man and this 16 year old boy. After the blow up this weekend, partner and I had a conversation where he told me again that he didn't have to put up with my child-that he would either tow the line or he could go back to his dad. That's not an option (not even to my partner-he even said that) because it's an awful life for my son. Plus, I want my son here with me. He needs me, he needs a shot at a good life. My partner stated that if I couldn't back him up on this method (designed to again, get my kid's head on straight so he'll see he's not in charge of the household or in charge of ME) I'd probably have to leave. My response was, "He can't go back to his dad's so I guess I'd better find a place for us to be. I don't want to be away from you, but you're not giving me any other options." You have to understand, I thought this was what my partner wanted from me-to make a choice.
Well, he did want me to make a choice. But he wanted me to say that I chose HIM and I would willingly send my son (my only child) back into this awful life if he didn't start behaving properly. It was some kind of "secret squirrel plan" that I wasn't told about, that my partner just came up with to scare my child straight, apparently. He never told me that this was what he intended to do, so here I am saying, "Well, if those are my choices, I can't send him back there. I don't know where we'll go, but I guess if he won't do what you want him to do in this time period that you believe it should be happening, we don't have a choice."
Partner was devastated. This statement has left him, "blasted" in his words.
And my life has been pure hell for the last 3 days.
Despite the fact that I forcefully confronted my son and made it CRYSTAL clear that he will NOT disrespect my partner anymore with his sighs, and huffs and "whatevers" and his surly, selfish behavior, and for the past 3 days, my kid has been on his absolute BEST behavior. Because my kid loves me and he wants me to be happy. My caveat was, "You don't have to like him, but you WILL respect him and treat him with kindness. Period. End of Discussion."
My partner acknowledged this in a text message today, that my son's really straightened out. BUT, he's beyond crushed that I was willing to pack up and go (because I didn't realize this was a ruse or game or whatever you want to call it) if he said we had to go. He's lost all faith in our relationship and all trust in me as his partner. His last message to me today was, "This is done and over [the discussion about him not communicating his plans with me and my unwillingness to play Passive Patty] I'm not dealing with this S**T anymore. You wanted it to be you and him, and you've got it. It's just you and him now, you're going to handle all of this on your own. [Referring to getting my son to behave correctly]. I want no part of it. Do not come to me for help with him. You know, I hope you can handle your s**t good enough to keep me."
I'm at a loss. I don't know what just happened. We've had a lot of turmoil in the last month (with my ex-husband stirring up trouble, my father has been ill and had emergency surgery, we've got a dog in the house that we had no idea was going to be with us and she's a handful (my kid's dog), the remodel, we've had ZERO time alone together since the end of June, I had a health scare last week and will most likely need surgery myself in the next couple of months...) it's just been too much for me and I'm drained, emotionally and physically. I'm not a drinker, but I swear every day for the last two weeks I have just wanted to drown in a bottle of something and not have to think or feel. They are ALL sucking me dry.
I don't like the methods my partner uses, and honestly I've told him "You have to let ME be the bad guy right now. You don't have a relationship with him like I do. I have to be the heavy. You sit on the sidelines and let me do my thing. I know how to work this." And I do. I have a great deal of confidence in my relationship with my son. We are solid. Up until a month ago, when all this started happening, I thought I had a solid relationship with my boyfriend. We were tight. Most of the time, we were on the same page, and if we weren't we could always come to a compromise. (Well, I would compromise...) He has NO patience at all, when it comes to a reasonable amount of time for transitions and things coming together. This kind of thing can take years. But for him, we should all be the Brady Bunch and get along like we've been together forever. It's just not that simple. I have asked him to give me time to iron everything out, give my kid time to adjust (he's in a new school, new friends, new town...it's a lot to deal with when you're 16!) but he has no patience whatsoever. His kid never sasses, never bucks him, never speaks his opinion or his mind. I have always given my son the opportunity to voice his feelings and say what he needed to say-as long as it was said to me in a respectful way. Once the disrespect and negativity set in, I stop him and bring him back to center. This is how I've raised my child. It's also why we have such a strong relationship, IMO. His respect for me is genuine, although he does try to play me at times. (I am aware...)
I've come to the conclusion that my partner really feels like my child has somehow broken us apart or damaged our connection somehow. It's true that my son can be needy sometimes and he kind of wants to hog me and my time. I've tried to mitigate that as much as I can without making my son feel like an outsider. I've gone out of my way (especially this week) to make sure my partner knows he's loved, appreciated and that I'm grateful for him. He is a fantastic man...when he's not screaming at my kid and giving ultimatums out like they're Starlight Mints at Olive Garden.
What am I missing? What am I doing wrong? I don't know how to win, here...but something tells me I have more control than I think I do...I just don't know how to activate it.
Please help, if you can.
What is happening, is that
What is happening, is that you are finding out just who your boyfriend is. And quite frankly, he sounds like a jerk with anger issues.
Normally, he is a happy go
Normally, he is a happy go lucky kind of person. He doesn't handle stress or change well at all, and he knows this. I think not being able to steer this particular boat the way that he thinks it should go is maddening to him. Honestly, he's a good man, but this has kind of been a whole year's worth of stress dumped on him at once. (Although, I don't know exactly what he thought it was going to be like...change is difficult. It's really difficult when you're dealing with an emotional, hormonal teen boy).
Thank you for your answer, BTW. I welcome all input!
Also you’re finding out that
Also you’re finding out that your son doesn’t support your relationship. He is selfish due to how you raised him. If your son truly loved you he would play his part so that his mom can be in a relationship. How he treats your partner is an extension of how he feels about you. The truth is hard to swallow. Be careful what you choose. Kids grow up and go away. You have to build your relationship if you want your partner to stick around. Your marriage is priority. In a few years your son will go on with his life. This doesn’t mean hate your son or be mean to him. Set boundaries and expectations. He’s the child. He has no say. He has to respect the adults. Put him in therapy to address his needy attention seeking behaviors. We are putting SD in therapy. We won’t let her horrible behaviors destroy our relationship. She’s catching on. DD respects DH because he is my partner and my love. DD actually wants me to have a partner.
ask Your son: How would you feel if I ever disrespected your girlfriend?
I don’t know about this.
He’s 16. He’s going to be immature at times, but seems like he snaps to it pretty well when corrected.
The 45 year old who is playing games with OP? He seems like he’s not gone beyond the teens level of maturity. If someone can’t be straightforward and honest, and instead tries to play gotcha games? He’s the one who needs some therapy and to learn socially appropriate behavior.
16 is plenty old enough. Not
16 is plenty old enough. Not taking sides. I said also.
Exactly...
When I had the "crystal clear" conversation with my son the phrase I used was, "I know you love me and you want me to be happy." He has a lot of issues with men in general-primarily family members. The exceptions to this are my brother and my dad-he loves them both dearly. But men in general are just a sore spot for him. I credit this to his dad being an example of all things useless and complacent, never keeping his word, never making any kind of attempt to do anything with himself, being a person who has no self-respect. Respecting men just isn't something Son is able to do easily. He agreed that my SO does make me very happy and though he cannot figure out why I love the man (because Son just doesn't get him at all) he will do his best for me. I don't expect perfection from either of them, but I do expect effort, consistent effort. He's doing a lot better. Thank you for your input. I welcome it. This stuff is hard to navigate!
Your boyfriend sounds really
Your boyfriend sounds really immature. You told him you were going to parent, be the heavy but he didn't trust you to do so he did.
He parents in an dictatorship manner, my way or the highway. You on the other hand choose to treat your son llike a human being and are teaching him to think for himself and giving him consequences for acting up.
You and he will have to agree to disagree, parallel parent you own kids in the same house. Blending does not happen overnight. It takes work, framework, consistency and time. Lots of time and you still might not get to a blended stage.
I have to wonder if your BF wasn't looking for a way out and now blames it all on you instead of taking responsibility for his actions.
I'm the heavy with mine...
SO's son loves me...I always make sure I speak to him the way that I want to be spoken to and he's never once shown me any disrespect (he is a messy little dude, but when I ask him to clean up, he never bucks me...and his dad always backs me up). I told both the SO and my kiddo that they are like mirrors. They have the same personality (seriously, they really do) and when one of them lips off, the other one is going to give the same as they get. That's just how they work. That can be positive (when they're not mouthing off at one another) or it can be misery (when they are verbally vomiting all over one another). If I can get both of them to understand that what they want from each other is what they need to give to each other without fear and without expectation, then I think I can make this be a good thing for all of us. SO does rule his child rigidly. He rules himself rigidly. I honestly think I'm the only person he allows to get away with almost anything...but that's because I balance him. He's really changed a lot since we got together. He's always been tightly wound, but he's really relaxed a great deal in the 15 months we've been together. He knows how to tone it down and back off when he needs to, which he never did when I first came into his life. His volume button (happy or mad) was always cranked to 11. He was constantly on the move, non-stop. He's much more balanced than he used to be. Your last sentence was very important, because this was one of my own questions about it all. I don't think it's blaming on his part, as much as it is he doesn't understand that my way works (with my child) and he doesn't know how I make it work. He has ONE WAY of doing things with EVERYONE in his life (he is Law Enforcement and he's all about Command and Control the situation; that's the LEO way). But I have reminded him enough now that we are his family, not perps/convicts who need to be controlled and commanded. (I am also in Law Enforcement, too-this is how we met). Some habits are harder to break than others, and there's a lot in this household that is a work in progress. I agree, he has to trust me to know what to do with my child, just as I trust him to know what to do with his child. I would never, and have never told him how to raise/correct/guide his son...they do fine with how they do things and I'm great with that. I just want to be able to do the same. Thank you for responding!
I think you did the "crystal
I think you did the "crystal clear" with your son maybe a little too late. A lot of water had passed under the bridge at that point. There is really zero reason why your son should have ever been allowed to talk to/treat an adult in the home the way he did. I imagine your BF also saw your son treat you poorly..
On the other hand, you haven't been with this guy that long.. he seems to have a pretty short fuse and perhaps he doesn't realize that you can't reall yell someone into being good?
If family counseling is an option.. I might try it if you see there being something worth saving.
It seems clear that BF thought he could step up and into the role of an authority figure. He also feels like he went out of his way to help this kid and that the way the kid is performing in school and behaving isn't showing enough respect and gratitude. The thing is that most kids don't make a super big habit of showing gratitude for the roof over their heads.. it's kind of assumed it will be provided by their parents. so.. there can be an expectation by a step-parent that the kid will be super grateful.. when in reality it is that child's bio parent that needs to step up and do that instead.
Totally agree - kids DON'T
Totally agree - kids DON'T appreciate a roof over their heads. They don't appreciate the stuff you do for them in the big sense - and in a way they're right - the law says you have to look after them. However, my partner is always grateful to me for the way I treat his kids. I am grateful to him for the way he treats mine. It is our responsibilty, as parents, to help them be appreciative.
However, it's also our job to be understanding of what they go through. I suspect that 16yo is already fully aware that he's not the boss of the house. He's had to make big changes and that should be appreciated, too. It's quite funny at our house. I think my SO is more aware of the changes that my son has had to put up with than the changes his own kids have had. He says "Well, I've had a girlfriend since their mom before, so they're used to this." I think - not so much - new person, new rules. As it happens, I'm just a more chilled person than my SO's ex-partner. I also care more about them. I get all over them over the things that freak me out - such as road safety and public transport safety. I don't compromise on that. they live in a small town, we're in a big city. I will chew them out every time over not looking at screens while crossing the road. My son is used to it and is now a bigger road-crossing Nazi than I am. My SO wasn't so on that, but lately he will take their phones away if he or I catch them doing it. I'm not apologising for my behaviour on this - I know I'm right - but it's still an adjustment.
But back to the OP, bloody hell, if my SO pulled a stunt like that, I very much hope I'd be out of there. I wouldn't force my son to live full time with my verbally abusive ex. he spends too much time there as it is.
Stepping Up
I think SO is used to being the Authority Figure in most situations. He's the baby in his family, but everyone comes to him when stuff goes down. He is used to being large and in charge...but this isn't the dynamic that will work in this situation. My son won't respond to him in that role AT THIS POINT IN TIME. That doesn't mean that some day he won't, but not now. Not with all the other stuff he has happening. SO is what I like to call a blaster. He blasts folks when he's had it. When he just cannot take anymore, he loses it. Then he's over it. He doesn't bring it up again. It's done. (It's done for him...I can't speak for the people on the receiving end of it...) He has some amazing qualities and I think he's a great dad to his own son-he loves him without question-and I think in his head he believed that there would be this kid in his house who needs a dad (because his BD is just not a dad at all...we probably won't hear from him until Christmas even though he's been given liberal visitation of his child and I'm fine with them seeing each other) because BD just doesn't give a fig...about anything. But you can't make someone love you. There's a combination of circumstances that have led to a great deal of frustration on his part. I don't think I realized until I was writing this just how idealistic some of my SO's thinking is (I'm the idealistic one...or so I thought). But many things haven't gone down like he "planned" and he's got some major disappointment going on...and I'm sure that's contributing to the angst he's experiencing right now. I will continue to let SO know how much I appreciate what he's done and continues to do for us, for me. And to my kiddo's credit, he's getting better about saying a simple "thanks" and I know that goes a long way with SO. He needs that.
Thanks for your response. I definitely thing counseling is something we're going to take advantage of, just because this is a huge change for everyone involved.
I must be tired.
Did I read this correctly? ""If you aren't happy then you can get out. Go. I don't have to put up with your S**T, this is my home! Your mom is going to have to make a choice! What do you think she'll choose?" and then most recently, after the eruption about the test, he told Son, "Hey, she chose me over you! How does THAT feel? Do you feel like you're running things now? Because you don't run a D**N thing here! You're not in charge of anything here!"
The SO told the op's son that she would choose him over the son? What a POS, yes this a teenager and from what OP wrote the kids was living in a sh*thole with his BD. If my DH EVER said that to my son, I would be gone in a minute and wouldn't look back. OP, you really need to think long and hard about your relationship with this asshole. If I read this wrong then I apologize for being so harsh about your SO, but to rub it in your kids face that you chose your SO over your kid is hard on a hormonal teenage boy.
Stopped reading ...
... right after reading those lines.
Your child moves in after years of crappy parenting & runs into a SF who plays the "Quien es mas macho" card w/a kid. What a jerk. Yes, you have a teen who may/may not be housebroken -- a work in progress. SO has no such excuse since he's a reportedly grown-ass man.
Pick your battles. You brought this boy into the world. Unfortunately, his biodad isn't great. As a result, you are "IT." Now, you've hooked up with another winner who wants to pull out his p*cker in competition with a minor child.
Slow down a bit. Maybe speak with a counselor. SO's treatment of your child & your subsequent decisions are important. You don't want to loose your boy. Parenting is rough. Step-parenting situations are an IED along the roadside.
Good luck.
.
You read it right...
It was a bad, bad thing to say.
The reasoning behind SO saying it was just as awful/ridiculous.
I have my son's back, I assure you. My son knows this and he also knows I have NO intention of leaving my SO. My son is old enough, and smart enough to realize that the level of stupid that had to be reached for SO to say this is extreme. My son also knows that I won't ever put him in a harmful situation.
Sometimes, when people who are used to having the reins on everything in their lives (like my SO) have no reins in a situation, they can't deal. SO is a stable person, a reliable, safe, healthy person...but this has him way far out of his comfort zone. I realize this. I also explained this to my son. SO is trying very hard to control a situation that, most likely, makes him feel threatened. Now, that makes zero sense to me, as my relationship with my son is very different from my relationship with him. I love my son...I am in love and crazy about my SO. My son will grow up and leave me at some point in the next few years. I will still love him. My SO and I are in this for the long-haul. There is no logical reason for SO to feel threatened by a child...but in this situation he does, and I acknowledge that although I don't understand it.
When I was given the speech regarding making a choice, I very clearly stated "I don't want to be away from you (SO) but if you are limiting the options to he goes back to his BD or we have to get out, then it's simple for me...he can't go back to his BD. That's not going to happen and you (SO) know that can't happen. His life will be wrecked. So, if we are limiting it to that, then I will have to go. That's not what I want though because I love you, and we're together...there has to be another way to solve this issue."
If there's any "threat" perceived or real by SO that probably didn't help matters...he did say he was devastated by that...but what else could I say? He's told me today that he's at peace with me dealing with my child the way I need to deal with my child. I think being honest and telling him that the short list of choices won't get anyone involved what they want or need was like a bucket of cold water in the face. He can figure out a way to make it work with my child, and keep me, or he can throw in the towel and lose me...and it wouldn't be because there is no love there, it would be because he wasn't getting things the way he wanted to get things.
SO is a reasonable man...and sometimes a person has to sleep on what they've said and done to see the extremity of their statements/actions. He's one of those people. I'm still there, I plan on being there for a long, long time, and my son is doing his part as is my SO...for now.
Thank you for your response. Seeing other points of view certainly helps me gain clarity and insight. I appreciate it.
At least one of you is level
At least one of you is level headed!
I think you are handling them both, and the situation, quite well.
If I am understanding this correctly,
your Boyfriend did a "secret squirrel" test to teach your son a lesson and it backfired. He assumed you would choose him over your son, and that would make your son straighten up. But instead you chose your son over him, and now he is mad. Even though the whole situation was a setup. What a horrible game to play.
I'm going to cut your kid some slack, it sounds like this has been a big change and adjustment from where he was living before. Was your ex abusive towards your son?
You need to think long and hard if this is the kind of man you want to make a permanent partner. In the meantime, you need to do all discipline of your son.
He's Mine...
BD is physically very ill, and has been for the last 3 years. He works part-time, under the table for a buddy. His mental health has never been...good. He suffers from depression and he is what I call an abusive narcissist. He was very neglectful of my son's needs (physical and emotional). He kept him isolated from people, including his BD's family (which isn't a bad thing because they're not really good people, in general) and my son wasn't allowed to do much of anything except sit at home, take care of his dad and watch TV. He has gone on a few chaperoned dates, but all in all, his life was bereft of any kind of typical teenage fun. There was a lot of bullying and a lot of terrible stuff happening with him in school. I had tried twice before to get custody of him and bring him with me (I have a great job and am financially secure...I've always paid my CS and sent extra money to my son, or items he needed that his dad just wouldn't get...you know, bookbags, socks, underwear...things a kid needs, not just frivolous stuff). My CS has supported BD's nicotine habit and his Mountain Dew addiction. I also paid for their internet, just so my child could get his homework done. Crazy things like that. BD kept a roof over his head. But that's about the most positive thing I can say as far as his "caregiving" skills go. How can a deeply depressed, physically ill, financially strapped person take care of an active, creative kid? It finally got to the point where my son called me and said, "Take me to the courthouse. I want to file papers so you can get custody. I can't live this way anymore. They won't make me stay here, I'm almost 16." So, we did, and 3months later, he is here. I'm ecstatic! He's okay now and I can be there for him like I was when he was little. (BTW, I lost custody when he was 5 because I didn't own the home we all lived in during the divorce and had no way to buy BD out of the house. My name wasn't attached to it at all and I had planned on moving in with my parents 1 state away. The judge refused to let me take my son out of state, and since I had no home to take him into other than my parents', his father was awarded primary physical custody, with us sharing joint legal custody. I traveled every month for about 3 years to visit and celebrate holidays with him and after I got back on my feet financially, I moved back to his home state. I've been here ever since.)
This has been a HUGE change for my child! In so many ways, and he's a good kid.
I agree with you that this games are horrible, and it would have been helpful to know what the heck SO had in his mind. I could have talked to him and said, "We can't go this route. It will back fire." Desperate people do things that make no sense...and I know he was motivated by a tremendous fear of losing me and the future we've planned. Plus, as I stated above...he's not in control of this situation and he's not used to that. He will get used to it, though. He's got a lot of skin in this and there's a lot to lose if he can't surrender some of this need to rule the roost. SO knows this...his demeanor today has been completely different. Sometimes, things become very clear in the light of day. He has been an excellent partner to me, and he will be again once all the dust settles and his emotions aren't dictating his actions. He is an emotional man...feels everything bigly...and once that all clears his system, his logic kicks back in and he's okay. He's navigated tougher situations and come out successful. I have faith in him that he can do it again. We just all have to work together to keep the balance in place.
Thank you for responding.