You are here

Is it my job to look after his kid when BM is able to?

looby's picture

Hi I hope someone can help me, I really need some non-biased opinions on my situation. I have asked friends and family and they all agree with me but that may be because they are biased.
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and his son 13 has been living with us on a week on, week off basis for about 9 months. I have no kids of my own. As time goes on I am getting more and more resentful of the situation and of the BM because I think I'm being taken advantage of. She is and always has been a nightmare, she is unreasonable, was violent to BF during their marriage and argues about absolutely everything.

The first problem I have is school holidays. I work from home and the BM works part time. While the BF is working full time days and some weekend nights too. So during our week to have SS13 it falls to me to look after him while BF is at work. I dont think this is fair especially as I am trying to work at home and while BM only works a few hours a week. Made harder by the fact that the kid has a disorder called ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder). He is really hard work to be around, in fact none of his family like him being around them! I raised my concerns with BF but nothing was really sorted out. I said the kid needs to go to his BM during the days and then he can come back in the evenings. BF suggested this to BM but her response was "well she chooses to work from home". That made me soooo angry! I choose to work from home but I think its completely irrelevant. She chose to give birth to him, I didnt!. Even if I wasnt working at home he should still go to hers during the day because she should be looking after him. I wouldnt trust SS13 to be on his own all day long.

The 2nd problem is when BF is going away overnight or for a weekend for example. He had a weekend away with his mates booked a couple of months in advance. I said to him if it falls on a week when we have SS13 can you tell BM so she can have him that weekend. He said he would but never did.
He said that "because it is our week to have him" it should be me looking after him if he goes away. He seems to think that because we live together it is then my responsibility to look after him. Whereas I think that if he is away and the BM is able to have him then she should. The responsibility should fall to BM above and before me.

He argues that if its his week to have him then BM will kick off if he asks her. Yes she will kick off because thats what she's like and he doesnt want to rock the boat with her. I understand why he doesnt want to annoy her because I have seen what she is capable of. She physically attacked me twice soon after I got with him. They had been broken up for a year before I came along but she seems to think Im responsible for their marriage breaking up! When she has the hump about something she makes our lives a misery.
My argument back was that he doesnt want to rock the boat with her, but that is at my expense and is making my life difficult. Maybe I should scream and shout like she does and then I would get what I want?!?

I just wanted to check that I'm not being unreasonable having never been in this situation before. I have no problem in helping him with his responsibilities as a father but I dont think its fair to ask me to take over BM responsibilities. I look after the kid every day when he gets in from school before BF gets home, fair enough. If BF has to pop out for a bit again Im happy to look after him. But I think thats where it should end. If BF is not around and able to have SS13 then BM should. Am I right?

Many thanks for your time.

simifan's picture

This is not your kid & not your responsibility. Hell, your not even married and he's treating you like a nanny. Why is it okay to upset you rather then his ex? I would be seriously reconsidering

alwaysanxious's picture

Oh no no no no. NO.

The skid is there to visit his parent not you. You don't get visitation. You are not responsible. This is all happening for BMs convenience.

If your FDH is not going to be there to care for his child then he needs to make other arrangements or stay and see his kid. Next time he does this "weekend with his mates" you make plans and don't be home. FDH and BM will react negatively at first, but you stand by it. Its only because they've gotten away with this for so long. After some time they will adjust.

But No this is not your responsibility. BM's "being upset" is her problem not yours. You can't do anything about that.

If my SO isn't home, skids don't come.

looby's picture

Thanks for the replies. Good idea, I think next time he arranges to go away I will make plans too. To be fair its not very often that he does go away but even so.
Does anyone have an opinion on the school holidays situation? If he's at work all day and she isn't, should the kid go to her during the day?

dragonfly5's picture

^^^^^this so true!^^^^

I am with my BF as well and I can tell you, strong and firm boundaries need to be set and early in your relationship. Otherwise you will grow to resent this kid and he will you.

One of the hardest things to grasp in this step world is to know your roll. You are not the mom, don't play mom.

I wish you well in your discussion with BF, but honesty is always the best way to go.
These women are never happy and they never shut up. Rock the boat and get what you want. It is not about her.

briarmommy's picture

If your DH isn't there, especially overnight it is not your responsibility to watch this child. With this childs disorder as well, what if something happened? You are putting yourself in a bad situation if you allow this continue, you do not want something that boy may do to fall onto you. The boy has two parents, they need to be caring for him not you. Plus when you are home working it is the same as being elsewhere working, you are still working.

looby's picture

You've hit the nail on the head about it being "my choice" whether to look after the kid or not. There have been and will be times when Im happy to help out but I think the thing that has been annoying me the most is that BF expects me to do it. I dont even get asked if I will look after him, it's just expected of me.
I will definately have another talk with him soon. I needed to get some opinions so that I can put my argument across with confidence that I'm not being unreasonable. I had started to doubt myself!

Doubletakex3's picture

I feel your pain as I'm in the same situation. Fortunately, my 3 skids don't have any disorders, other than being kids. Smile I too work from home and have had them home all day during the past two summers and holidays while they were out of school. FDH asked BM and she refused to have the kids. She even skipped on 3 out of 5 of her weeklong summer visitations. So, we were faced with hiring a babysitter outside of the home or me moving to an office (that I would have to pay for). That said, the kids are old enough that we shouldn't need a babysitter (SS16, SS13 & SD11). FDH laid down the law about the rules, how the house is my office, that I shouldn't even be able to even hear them, that I'm there to work and not to watch them, etc.

For the most part it worked out and the skids were respectful. But, I like my privacy and it was an intrusion and an annoyance. I decided to let it go because I didn't see any other good alternatives given BM's refusal to help care for her children.

My FDH would NEVER leave on a vacation and expect me to watch the kids (he hasn't had a vacation in over 5 years because of his responsibility of this kids). And your BF should absolutely should try to get BM to step up - tip the boat over if he has too! I'm Plan C ... when Plan A (FDH) and Plan B (BM) aren't options.

looby's picture

The BM in my situation is exactly the same as that. She is loving her life at the moment, and expects everyone else to do her job looking after her kid so she can carry on partying and having fun. This is why I resent her so much. I chose not to have kids because I like my freedom but now I feel I have lost that.

There have been a couple of times when BF has asked her to have her son back early or for an extra night and she will say "why cant she have him?" meaning me! If she can get out of having him she will. Although there have been times when we have him for extra time without arguing.

This is the reason why we have skid on the week on week off basis. She had started dating a new guy and we found out that she had been leaving her kid overnight for a week at a time. She was going back in the mornings and then leaving in the evenings again. So us having him every other week gives her some time off and us time off. But she doesnt seem to understand that there are times when we all have to be flexible.

She has told BF that she is glad when the kid is with us and she doesnt miss him etc. I think the thing BF is worried about when he asks her to have him is that she will say no and just bring him round to ours anyway.

A couple of years ago when their divorce was going through, she brought the kid round to BF house (he was living at his Mum's then) and dumped him there with his suitcases saying "I cant bear to look at him, he reminds me too much of his father". He was then with him for a couple of months. The truth is she did that because she wanted to interfere with mine and his new relationship. She had hoped that him having the kid full time would cause us to breakup.

So although BF needs to stop expecting me to have his kid when he is not around, I totally understand why he is reluctant to ask her, becuase of the way she will act. I also wouldnt be suprised if she turned round at some point and says she doesnt want him at all and we would have to have him full time. She is spiteful and vindictive and if she sees a chance to cause trouble she will.

hbell0428's picture

I get this a lot too......SD 14 lives w/ us and has for almost 2 years. I don't know about yours.....but; my DH just assumes a lot of things; he assumes I was going to take her in as my own; he assumed I would like the idea of her living w/ us; he assumes I was just going to roll over and play dead as she came in and tried to run my house.......I became veery resentful of SD; but a lot of my issues where w/ DH being a complete ASS!!!

I know SD could tell she has/had her daddy on a string and she played into it all the while DH was oblivious to what was going on. Until I confronted DH about this; we admitted some thing; but we are still working on it.

I think you should just confront your DH before you get in too deep.