I remarried DH 3 years ago and I have 2 children from prior marriage, a DS (13) and DD (11). DH has a DD from very short relationship (3 months or so). And DH and I have a DD together age 18 months. Prior to our relationship, DH had to fight to have any visitation with SD from birth due to BM trying to keep him out of SD life. BM finally achieved getting SD diagnosed autistic at 2.5 yrs old after badgering doctors since SD birth. Then a few months before our wedding, BM attempted to get DH restricted visitation on terms that he was not acknowledging and helping with SD's diagnosis, which he was never informed of to take part in. Then I got involved. And I am NOT nice on research when you are messing with my life. I found that she lied, cheated and attempted to get her daughter labeled disabled in attempts to get a free ride. It was eerily familiar to something that SD maternal grandpa would cook up. You see, BM is in her 30's but still lives in BFE with her parents. In a room with SD. So a few attorneys fired and thousands of dollars later, I handed a silver platter of exhibits and info to the latest attorney for the judge requesting for full custody due to BM lack of education but wanting to homeschool this 'autistic' child, physical abuse with blatant neglect of her teeth (8 of 11 had to have SS crowns and 3 veneered as well as one extracted because it broke) along with a long list of lying and disregard to SD's best interests. (She would only sign to her, would not take her anywhere in public or socialize her, let her throw up her food (claiming she had eating disorders), and the lists goes on.....all to get her to a positive autism diagnosis. Reading the medical notes we gained it was easy to see BM was researching and creating all of this.)
My husband was destroyed on the stand, twice, because of attorneys who did not do their job. And the cause of one of these incurred a few hours of jail for my husband because they missed a court date showng DH fulfilled his obligations, and the judge issued a bench warrant for DH because of it. (I have found that an attorney is really only as good as the information you put on a pretty platter for them to take into court). Even the past attorney we have kept screwed up with the wording of the initial custody battle and we had to go back to court AGAIN with new wording in order to be granted custody. The judge even stated that he would have granted it before if it had been worded correctly. It only cost us thousands more, but hey, it's all supposed to be worth it for the kid, right? I now ponder that in my head.....daily.
We received custody two years ago. The relationship that I initally had with SD 3 years ago has changed dramatically. After the change of custody, her contemporary munchausen crazy BM focused her abuse psychologically since she no longer could do it physically. And it has worked since SD doesn't have a strong bond with DH because he was forced thru court to see her and didn't get to finally see her until she was over 4 months old. SD has a strong bond with crazy munchausen BM. SD also has control issues and will refuse to answer or speak to me and sometimes, my DD. For awhile DH claimed that SD was 'shy' and that's why she wouldn't talk to anyone. Honestly, SD was extremely quiet and weird and for awhile, I wondered if she was autistic. It wasn't until a couple of years that I saw what BM had created in the right environment. Regardless, DH still feels sorry for her. Sometimes he backs me on discipline. I have disengaged a couple of times. SD will refuse to talk to me a lot and will completely block out my voice when I talk to her. It is extremely frustrating when I have tried to calmly talk with and help her, like her therapist has suggested. She also does this to my older DD, who is very annoyed with her, especially after she has spent extreme amounts of time trying to catch SD up on where she should be educationally and socially.
Well a few weeks it finally came out. SD told her therapist that BM has told her not to talk to me or the therapist. Now DH is not going to allow SD visitation with BM because of the psychological abuse (which has been going on FOREVER). And as of today, we will be going back to court. Again. I even typed up the pretty silver platter doc for the attorney. I am ridiculous. I can't stand the kid. The one that my MIL feels is SO mistreated. The one that DH is now feeling so sorry for. And here I sit, asking again, at what point will she be responsible for her own manipulation and lying she has done for the past few years that has caused unmistakeable disrupt in our home? I know she is only 6, but it is neverending. And she isn't even a teenager yet! A couple of months ago she said her mom gave her medication and took her to a doctor. Her mom does not have those rights at all due to her past and the parenting agreement. DH addressed it with BM via text and it was denied. BM is notorious for lying though. And she carries the insurance on SD so she could easily take her somewhere besides SD's doctor and we would never know. A few days later SD says she lied about it all. Even the detailed version of the doctor visit she gave her dad. It's sick that it is already engrained in her to lie at every turn. It happens so frequent anymore that I just walk off......with my older 2 kids asking why she doesn't get anything done for lying.
So now, everyone, including my DS and DD's get to suffer with financial insecurity again due to my decision to marry and pursue this role as a SM. It wasn't their fault. It wasn't their choice. Yet, they get to suffer with her behaviors. Her father's tit for tat if I point out anything that weird SD does. (I mean, who holds their sandwich with their hands upside down and backwards at 6 and no one corrects them?!)
At what point is it really time to disengage? there is so much more to this....but my hands are tired from typing. I just want to know if anyone else has been in this same situation and how can I get through this? Going back into court and requesting restricted or supervised visitation means SD will be here almost ALWAYS and I even though I know this is the right thing to do to protect her emotionally from her abusime BM, I don't know if I can do it. I am angry and resentful at her as well as DH, who now just feel sorry for her and makes excuses up for her instead of PARENTING her. *bomb* *diablo*