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I'm Exhausted

rozzann's picture

   I remarried DH 3 years ago and I have 2 children from prior marriage, a DS (13) and DD (11).  DH has a DD Diablo from very short relationship (3 months or so). And DH and I have a DD together age 18 months. Prior to our relationship, DH had to fight to have any visitation with SD from birth due to BM trying to keep him out of SD life.  BM finally achieved getting SD diagnosed autistic at 2.5 yrs old after badgering doctors since SD birth.  Then a few months before our wedding, BM attempted to get DH restricted visitation on terms that he was not acknowledging and helping with SD's diagnosis, which he was never informed of to take part in.  Then I got involved.  And I am NOT nice on research when you are messing with my life.  I found that she lied, cheated and attempted to get her daughter labeled disabled in attempts to get a free ride.  It was eerily familiar to something that SD maternal grandpa would cook up.  You see, BM is in her 30's but still lives in BFE with her parents.  In a room with SD.  So a few attorneys fired and thousands of dollars later, I handed a silver platter of exhibits and info to the latest attorney for the judge requesting for full custody due to BM lack of education but wanting to homeschool this 'autistic' child, physical abuse with blatant neglect of her teeth (8 of 11 had to have SS crowns and 3 veneered as well as one extracted because it broke) along with a long list of lying and disregard to SD's best interests.  (She would only sign to her, would not take her anywhere in public or socialize her, let her throw up her food (claiming she had eating disorders), and the lists goes on.....all to get her to a positive autism diagnosis.  Reading the medical notes we gained it was easy to see BM was researching and creating all of this.)

My husband was destroyed on the stand, twice, because of attorneys who did not do their job.  And the cause of one of these incurred a few hours of jail for my husband because they missed a court date showng DH fulfilled his obligations, and the judge issued a bench warrant for DH because of it.  (I have found that an attorney is really only as good as the information you put on a pretty platter for them to take into court).  Even the past attorney we have kept screwed up with the wording of the initial custody battle and we had to go back to court AGAIN with new wording in order to be granted custody.  The judge even stated that he would have granted it before if it had been worded correctly.  It only cost us thousands more, but hey, it's all supposed to be worth it for the kid, right?  I now ponder that in my head.....daily.

  We received custody two years ago.  The relationship that I initally had with SD 3 years ago has changed dramatically.  After the change of custody, her contemporary munchausen crazy BM focused her abuse psychologically since she no longer could do it physically.  And it has worked since SD doesn't have a strong bond with DH because he was forced thru court to see her and didn't get to finally see her until she was over 4 months old.  SD has a strong bond with crazy munchausen BM.  SD also has control issues and will refuse to answer or speak to me and sometimes, my DD.  For awhile DH claimed that SD was 'shy' and that's why she wouldn't talk to anyone.  Honestly, SD was extremely quiet and weird and for awhile, I wondered if she was autistic.  It wasn't until a couple of years that I saw what BM had created in the right environment.  Regardless, DH still feels sorry for her.  Sometimes he backs me on discipline.  I have disengaged a couple of times.  SD will refuse to talk to me a lot and will completely block out my voice when I talk to her.  It is extremely frustrating when I have tried to calmly talk with and help her, like her therapist has suggested. She also does this to my older DD, who is very annoyed with her, especially after she has spent extreme amounts of time trying to catch SD up on where she should be educationally and socially.

  Well a few weeks it finally came out.  SD told her therapist that BM has told her not to talk to me or the therapist.  Now DH is not going to allow SD visitation with BM because of the psychological abuse (which has been going on FOREVER).  And as of today, we will be going back to court.  Again.  I even typed up the pretty silver platter doc for the attorney.  I am ridiculous.  I can't stand the kid.  The one that my MIL feels is SO mistreated.  The one that DH is now feeling so sorry for.  And here I sit, asking again, at what point will she be responsible for her own manipulation and lying she has done for the past few years that has caused unmistakeable disrupt in our home?  I know she is only 6, but it is neverending.  And she isn't even a teenager yet!  A couple of months ago she said her mom gave her medication and took her to a doctor.  Her mom does not have those rights at all due to her past and the parenting agreement.  DH addressed it with BM via text and it was denied.  BM is notorious for lying though.  And she carries the insurance on SD so she could easily take her somewhere besides SD's doctor and we would never know.  A few days later SD says she lied about it all.  Even the detailed version of the doctor visit she gave her dad.  It's sick that it is already engrained in her to lie at every turn.  It happens so frequent anymore that I just walk off......with my older 2 kids asking why she doesn't get anything done for lying.  

 So now, everyone, including my DS and DD's get to suffer with financial insecurity again due to my decision to marry and pursue this role as a SM.  It wasn't their fault.  It wasn't their choice.  Yet, they get to suffer with her behaviors.  Her father's tit for tat if I point out anything that weird SD does.  (I mean, who holds their sandwich with their hands upside down and backwards at 6 and no one corrects them?!)

 At what point is it really time to disengage?  there is so much more to this....but my hands are tired from typing.  I just want to know if anyone else has been in this same situation and how can I get through this?  Going back into court and requesting restricted or supervised visitation means SD will be here almost ALWAYS and I even though I know this is the right thing to do to protect her emotionally from her abusime BM, I don't know if I can do it.  I am angry and resentful at her as well as DH, who now just feel sorry for her and makes excuses up for her instead of PARENTING her.  *bomb* *diablo*

 

Harry's picture

as  BM is so far from normal.  There nothing you can do. All you are doing is wasting money on a child who is already program against you. You should have some fun with your bios.  They are only young once. Don’t let them waste there fun years.

rozzann's picture

Thank you, I feel the same.  It makes it more difficult that I left my decent job to be at home with our DD and go back to school online.  So I put myself at the mercy of his self-employed finances and a loss of my financial independence in order to get my bachelor's of Accounting and CPA.  I know in the long run it will be worth it for me and mine....not sure that I ever want it to benefit the stepbrat.

I have fought him and her BM's unnatural environmental upbringing of SD for normalcy to the point that I need to accept she is weird and always will be.  At least my 3 are healthy, happy and well-adjusted kids!  That speaks volumes when anyone notes that I am not SD bio and it shows Wink

oatsnhoney's picture

So why not let her go to BMif that’s where she wants to be? I get that it’s toxic..but sounds like they love each other and if she stays.. it will be trouble in your home anyway. So that’s not great for her either. Nothing you do will turn BM into a great Mom, and she will always be her Mom,

I now believe kids of crazy BMs are doomed. And if DHs didn’t want to have F’ed up kids, they should not have had kids with a crazy person.

no matter where she lives, she will be shaped by who her parents are. No no matter what you do, SDs loyalty will be with her parents.

rozzann's picture

I have thought this would be best, too.....but I don't think DH wants to give her to BM because of his own reasons.  I feel like this is mostly a FU to BM......  I would love to have the tension gone.  I remember when we were in the custody battle that DH said if he lost that he was going to just sign off all rights if possible, like crazy BM wanted to begin with.  That he would be okay with just moving on like she was never in existence.  HOWEVER, I know, as well as you all do, this would be much easier said than done.  AND he would then have to answer to his parents..... 

Sadly, SD is very jealous of DH bond with her SS, our DD.  And I do not discourage his relationship with our DD because I feel it is not my fault that BM denied him of this with SD....and SD can acknowledge BM doing this one day or not.  It wasn't because he didn't try to get have that relationship when she was born.  It was taken from him....

And trust me, her weirdness is already shining through from BM and I want nothing to do with it.  I just don't understand......

oatsnhoney's picture

You said court goes in his favor because of your silver platter work. So really it’s not DH making this stay this way, it’s you. Try think long term.. if she stays how will it affect her, and your other kids? If she goes? Will it really save her to stay? Keeping her from BM May have adverse affects. I don’t know the answer.. it’s a roll of the dice. I tried to save my skids, then backed off because the bio parents weren’t flying in to proper parenting. It saved me some grief, but now I have a f’ed up toxic teen skid.. so maybe we are stuck no matter what we decide.

Monkeysee's picture

I agree, OP why are you doing this to yourself? You can’t care more than the bio parents. If your DH isn’t willing or capable to serve up these pretty platters, then he will lose in court. Let him. This sounds like a nightmare, but in some respects you’ve done it to yourself. Disengage completely, let your DH know that you need your energy to go towards your three BK’s & leave it at that. 

rozzann's picture

Yes, I do blame myself for thinking I was doing the right thing.  I am not a betting person, but I will put money on it that SD will end up just as yours, a f'ed up toxic teen because she has this f'ed up relationship with BM.  

dysfunctionally_blended's picture

I had found myself in this position years ago. At the time I told myself I was helping. Doing what was best for my family. 

But quickly ended up where you are. Skids disliked me due to PAS'ing. BM made it her mission to destroy me. And all while SO sat back and blamed me for all of it.

That ^^^ was a one way ticket to "not my kid not my problem" and I meant it!

Fast forward. I have zero involvement other than to say "that's nice". I couldn't tell you the custody agreement. Couldn't tell you what skids ate for breakfast. Because I have zero involvement or interest. They have parents. Crazy ones maybe but again not my problem. Blissfully ignorant and it's great.

I enjoy my life. Love my SO. Have a blast as much as I can. 

What I don't do is worry or care. 

My advise would be to find the same. Let the crazy parents handle it. Let them parent. And all of it. Doesn't mean you can't be supportive of your DH, much like an Aunt would be supportive. In an emergency! 

oatsnhoney's picture

This was me too, and it was great until it wasn’t. Now I have teens raised by those 2 - coming over to visit - in a home with my bio. One of the skids is mentally messed up and I’m stuck between protecting my bio and myself by refusing to allow him over and putting my DH in a impossible situation... or taking a risk and exposing a young child to trauma.

 

rozzann's picture

Did you explain to your DH/SO why you were disengaging?  I tried to disengage a few months ago and when I explained it to him he was angry because how could I disengage if she was around me the most?  This is where DH and my inlaws are wrong - just because I am the SM does not mean that I have a bond with SD and have to be like a BM would be to her, especially when SD fights and doesn't want it becasue of BM PAS'ing.  I am pretty sure that DH was irritated because it meant that he had to do all of the other stuff...the PARENTING.  At the end of the day, I no longer check if she has homework or if she did what she was supposed to.  I get her a snack afterschool and let it go.  Not my problem.  Only I have to take this to a further level than I have before for my and my BK's best benefit. Any suggestions on how you effectively backed out of it and got to the ignorant bliss that I only dream about? 

tog redux's picture

Well, this is a textbook case of "be careful what you wish for"!

I'm with the others, you have to just let go and let DH handle it as he sees fit.  I too believed at one time that we could influence my SS, but now I think that crazy mothers just mess up their kids and that's that.  Unless they are completely out of the child's life, they influence them in dramatic and irreversible ways.  And it's not that her bond is not strong enough with DH, it's that her attachment to BM is insecure and disorganized.  Kids with insecure attachment to a parent will fight hard to keep that parent in their life, it's a survival mechanism.  So what appears to be "closeness" is really just enmeshment, and the child's effort to keep the parent around.

She is being alienated and manipulated by BM, and it's working quite well.  I'm sorry you found out the hard way that stepmothers can't save kids.

At this point, just let DH handle SD and any court matters going forward.  I do help my DH with court, but not to the point of directing him or providing info to attorneys or anything.  I do some research and give him my ideas and he takes what he wants and runs with it. (And I do that because I enjoy it).

 

rozzann's picture

Like you, I enjoy the attorney work and I a very good at it.  Even if I resent that it is for this cause.  And you are right, she has an extremely unhealthy relationship with BM and I do feel at the end of the day, she will still have this and is going to just be messed up no matter what we do.  As of this week my DH is not allowing BM any visitation because of the mental abuse......I do not look forward to SD being here all of the time and I almost feel like no matter what is done she will be messed up and this is just time, money and energy wasted.  Yes, I feel it is all a waste anymore.  I think at this point I only step in to do damage control so that we don't end up even more broke from the attorney costs.  It is all just a sick game to BM and I just want it to end.

tog redux's picture

So far, in my experience, it really doesn't end until the child is grown and then only if the father sets limits on the adult child and doesn't allow BM to continue to control him through the adult kids. Courts, etc, none of that has any influence on a crazy BM, in fact, they feed on it like vampires.

Want2's picture

Well you were playing the sick game too and seemed convinced you would “win.” Sometimes it really is for the best when SM just stops playing.

 I had a round of the game myself, today as a matter of fact. The ex and I had gone outside of the CO and my DD lives with me full time instead of 50/50. I was accepting far less in CS just to avoid going to court.

Everything was fine until SM started jabbering in the ex’s ear that his ass was exposed financially. DD heard them fight about it. So he insisted we go to mediation and get our casual arrangement on record.

Well HAHAHAHAHA you stupid cnt you should have kept your ass out of it cause the mediator talked him into paying more CS!

 I bet they’re having a hella fight now and I think it’s hilarious. 

Sometimes SM needs to stay the hell out but for me her meddling paid off.

Rags's picture

6yo, nor any minor for that matter, get a say in anything.  I applaud that you and DH are stepping up to protect this kid from her toxic womb donor.

Of course she wants to be where she has been assimilated.  That does not make BM’s the place where she should be.

Good luck.