I used to love Christmas...advice, thoughts needed please.
First time posting here. In need of advice or reality check....
I am the BM of DS16 and DD1. DS16 was from a previous relationship, DD1 is from my current marriage.
My DH also has 3 daughters (12, 14, 16). We are one big blended family.
The Situation:
Every xmas there is pressure to uphold the traditions of our parents, which causes conflict.
His mother wants his whole family to be together xmas eve. My family wants to be together xmas eve.
We can't have everyone together because of the work involved. Been there done that, it is very stressful especially with a LO in tow.
What I proposed is that we alternate xmas eve, one year with his family, then xmas day with mine, and the following year vice versa.
He says that my SDs don't like that because they don't feel comfortable with my family and that I should be honoring their grandmother's wishes. I don't feel comfortable with his family (my BIL and his wife have spoken very poorly of me and my DS16). But I still go over for functions, dinners, lunches, etc. My DH feels stuck in the middle trying to make me, my SDs and his family happy. I don't see a solution. I am not happy around his family, but will still attend functions. His SDs can be slightly manipulative (especially the older two) and want their way or the highway. I was always raised that the adults make the decision and that's that, you don't question it. My DS is easy either way as long as there is time scheduled with my family. There is obviously a lot of conflict during this time of year and really want it resolved. I am starting to feel like a ba hum bug. 
This is my DD's second xmas and it's starting on such a negative note. I don't like going through this every year. Is what I proposed ridiculous, even if my SDs and his family "don't approve"? I feel all alone in this supposed battle and that they are gaining power with numbers against me.
Does your DH have his
Does your DH have his daughters for the entire holiday, or does he share time with their mother?
We had a similar situation many years ago. Our solution was to HOST the Christmas Eve event, and everyone came to us. If they didn't want to, their loss. For the most part, it worked. No more arguing with XH and parents and ILs.
Their BM is working and will
Their BM is working and will be celebrating another day with them. This is the first time this has happened.
We don't want everyone at our house because it is exhausting. He has a huge family + my family. We don't enjoy ourselves and are exhausted by the end of it. Also there are conflict between both families, so it's no longer an option.
I would NEVER send my kids
I would NEVER send my kids away for Christmas to make my new spouse happy.
Correction, I would never send them away for whatever reason.
So, just because you have
So, just because you have kids like most people, you would refuse to let your spouse see their family for Christmas? Pretty selfish. If her DH wants to be with her and make his brat daughters happy at the same time, the logical thing (which is most times never fair) would be to let them go and see them the next day, would it not? You're making it sound like we are all saying "Send them away so that the wretched bitch can have a break from them!!!" Uhhhh, no, we are saying to let the girls go where they are comfortable for one night every other year so that the SM can also see her family. If that is not logical, please enlighten us.
That's what I would do - and
That's what I would do - and DD from your current marriage alternates with Daddy.
I appreciate the
I appreciate the response.
Are you saying that DH alternates between my fam and his fam each year? I'm proposing that we alternate each year as family. I don't want the family broken up, neither does he. I don't want to rotate with my DD each year. Makes me feel like we are divorced. Normally when my family comes over it's at my house, so SDs will be there no matter what.
I thought you said you don't
I thought you said you don't host? So you go to his family, but have your family come over??
SMH, I'm so confused.
My family is pretty small in
My family is pretty small in comparison to his, so we will host just my family. We won't do both families at the same time anymore.
Then go to his family on
Then go to his family on Christmas Eve, and host your family on Christmas Day.
That is exactly what I am
That is exactly what I am proposing except that we flip it each year. Therefore next year would be my family on Christmas Eve and his family Christmas Day. Sounds fair to me! Agree or disagree?
YES...it sounds very fair!
YES...it sounds very fair!
Easy! The adults DO make the
Easy! The adults DO make the rules. However, if the girls would rather be at their grandparents' house than with their immediate family, let them go. Send them without you and DH on the year that you are to be at your family's house. And don't back down on alternating the years. Just because you married him does not mean you have to give your own life up just because he spawned more than you. (most men do beat us at that because they will stick that thing anywhere, he deserves no cookies for that). And if the girls do not feel comfortable enough to go and give sincere hugs and "Merry Christmas"s, they are definitely not comfortable enough to receive ANY gifts from your family. PLEAAAAAAASSSSEEE, take my advice. You are not wrong in wanting to spend holidays with your family, he is not wrong for wanting the same, and the girls are just being little brats seeing where dad's loyalty lies and in situations like this, it should lie with you. Do not back down, whatever you do. You and your kids go to your family's house every other year on Christmas Eve and if you are still invited, you go to his on Christmas day and that is that. Whoever comes with you, great! Whoever doesn't, their loss. I guarantee you the next year that is scheduled to fall with your family, all of them will be there. Sometimes you have to hit them where it hurts to get their attention.
You hit the nail on the head
You hit the nail on the head with everything I'm thinking.
I just asked if what I am
I just asked if what I am proposing is reasonable. DH and I have discussed this and he feels like he is in the middle. He is having a hard time agreeing with this suggestion or with any suggesting, mainly being given grief by my SDs and his family. I haven't told my family of the new plans. My DS is easy, and my family will just have to accept it if they want to see us. I think it is fair if we rotate things each year rather than having it one-sided. There is obviously a difference in how DH and I manage our families and their expectations. It's very frustrating and causes great conflict.
Who says they are willing?
Who says they are willing? It's called compromising and being fair.
We do have a long standing
We do have a long standing tradition - since I can remember. I haven't told my family of the new plans yet. Apologies for not being clear earlier.
I can understand why the
I can understand why the teenage SD's don't feel at ease with their new step grandparents and family. They're used to having Christmas Eve with people they've known all their lives so of course they will be reluctant to put themselves in a less familiar comfortable environment. I dont think they can be blamed for that. I'm an adult and I don't feel as comfortable with my husbands family as I do with my own. My 5 stepchildren generally only see my family a few times a year. Everyone makes an effort to be pleasant but it's never the most relaxing gathering because they just don't know each other that well.
Overall it seems odd that there is such competition for Christmas Eve, normally the tug of love is over Christmas Day. The easiest compromise seems to me to be to spend Christmas Eve with his family and Christmas Day with your family. Would your family really object or are you just being defensive about your right to see your family on that day? To me that would seem like your family is winning out because your family would be getting the big Christmas day with their grandchildren/niece/nephew. Other than that alternating Christmas Eve's would seem fair. SD's will never get to feel at ease with your family unless they give it a go. So if blending the extended family is important to you because there is a tradition of big family gatherings on both sides perhaps the main thing to do is have your family spend more time with your SDs over the year. I certainly wouldn't start saying they don't deserve any presents from your family because they are shy around them at the moment, that's just setting up resentment and division when the aim here seems to be to make everyone feel part of one new family.
It more of a cultural thing.
It more of a cultural thing. Both our families are from different countries that have traditions surrounding Christmas Eve therefore it's not odd in either of our cultures. I understand what you mean about it not being the most relaxed gathering when SDs is with my family although everyone warms up by the end of it. These girls are shy in general, even with members of their own family on their dad's side. They were never taught how to say "hi", "how are you?" when they meet people which can make for very awkward introductions (this is a whole other topic). My family is very respectful to them and buys them gifts, etc, making them feel included. I get the feeling that this is more of a power struggle.
What you are suggesting is
What you are suggesting is not unreasonable, but unfortunately, extended family members are being unreasonable. You might try him and his kids going to his family on CE and you and your kids going to your family on CE and start your own blended family tradition for Christmas Day. There would be the decision about which one the baby goes with, but at least that would be decided with just you and DH. Good luck! Holidays should be enjoyful instead of so stressful and hurtful.
Holidays are so hard,
Holidays are so hard, especially when skids are involved. My DH shares the holiday with BM—so this year, we have SD xmas eve until noon on xmas day (last year we got SD at noon on xmas day). MIL wants us there xmas and AND xmas day but when does that leave time to spend with my family? Mind you, his parents have each other and a house full of kids (long story). My mom lives alone (dad passed away 3 years ago and my brother is in jail- another long story)—I actually really enjoy time with my mom, but regardless I feel an obligation to be there because I am all she has. I don’t even feel like MIL cares to see DH and I, it’s all about SD. I haven’t figured out a solution. This year, DH wants to do xmas eve at his parents and xmas day with my mom, but that is bc he gets rid of SD at noon. Next year will be a disaster just like it was last year. Plus I still want to spend both days with my mom because like I said, she really doesn’t have anyone else and it hasn’t been that long since my dad passed and I don’t want her to be alone around the holidays. Ugh what a mess!