I tried too hard..
Initially when meeting my skids 4 years ago I dove into this mother role. At the time my husband only had them every other weekend and my husband and I have a 4 year old daughter. About a year into our relationship he decided to move to my city and we got an apartment together, this city happened to be where his children resided as well (which is why he only had them every other weekend) so for me it was a no brainer to have him ask for them 50/50 like it was supposed to be. We got them and I dove in as part time mom, I spent so much money furnishing their rooms and filling their closets and running them to school every morning. Eventually my husband offered me to leave work and stay home with his children and our daughter so I was spending every second with them (this was around summer break) shortly after I got pregnant with our son I started to feel differently about them. I grew intolerant. His daughter has a huge lying problem and seems over time is out to get me, constantly talking about when her parents were together (theyve been divorced since 2012) and mentioning his other ex frequently.. she also has lied to us about being molested and we later found out it was just her experimenting with another little girl. Today my SS was playing around and punching a stuffed unicorn and my BD got in the way and he punched her in the head (i know it was an accident, but I was furious) his other son is a bed wetter and never speaks up when he does it (hes 15 btw) so some mornings I wake up and my whole house smells like pee. We had them for spring break this week and Im losing my mind, im so sad that my son will be born shorrly before summer and theyll be bothering me bonding with my baby.. i feel horrible for how i feel, yet i feel like i burnt myself out at first and now im just over it. I lock myself and my daughter in my master bedroom and im sure it wont change when my son comes.. why do i feel like this? The less i see them the happier i am..
What is your husband doing to
What is your husband doing to parent his kids? How much time does he spend with them? What has he done to curtail his daughter's lying and/or get her help regarding her false claims of molestation? What has he done to get his 15 year old son help for his bedwetting? Did he abdicate his parenting role when you became a SAHM, or is he an involved father? How old are the kids other than the 15 year old? Are you open to returning to work and putting your daughter (and eventually your son) in daycare in order to not spend your every waking moment with the skids?
If your husband is not spending time each day with his kids, I'd be inclined to suggest that he put you out of your misery and go back to being an EOWE dad. If he is spending time with them when they're there, then it's a different story. Do you think he'd be open to having the skids spend the summer primarily with their mother as you'll be busy with an infant and a pre-schooler? Or will that get the standard "you hate my kids" response?
He doesn't do much, I've
He doesn't do much, I've disengaged quite a bit by just staying in our bedroom. Kids are mostly self sufficient so he doesnt do much with them either. When I became a SAHM he was working 8-8, 6 days a week so it was me by myself majority of the time. Now he works 3am-3pm so hes home more, but I wouldnt say he actively parents them. Im opposed to day care so up until recently I was working weekends (so that way he could watch our daughter) now im 38 weeks pregnant so I left work due to it getting hard on me. Skids are SD12 SS11 and then SS15
Ive asked for every other weekend and he pulled the you hate my kids card. I told him it would just make me more comfortable in my own home. I hate the idea of returninh to work and having his kids all over my newborn baby, ive already told them to back off, no kissing and definitely no carrying, but im sure he'll let them do whatever they want. I just feel so cornered. I love my husband to death and hes such a great active dad to our daughter, but seems disinterested in his children yet continues to have them over...
Have you talked to him about
Have you talked to him about getting help for his kids? A 15 year old bed wetter is not normal. The little girl lying about being molested is a HUGE problem. While I support 50/50 custody, I think your DH might want to help you by considering an afterschool program for his kids until he can get off work to mind them. Being pregnant you are already stressed out while running after your toddler. I would consider a Mommy's Day Out program once or twice a week as well. A day or two a week to have a few hours to yourself to clean the house and start "nesting" for th enew baby will help you be more tolerant to all.
Shes a pathological liar..
Shes a pathological liar.. started from her mother that told her it was ok to lie during the custody battle in 2012. I keep telling DH to take her to counciling and he hasnt. I dont find it to be my responsibility so I leave it alone. I took SS15 to the doctor and they reffered me to a couple specialists, ended up having bio moms number on file ans she never followed up with any of them, then doctor wouldnt give me the info when i tried to obtain it again, asked DH to try and he never did. DH is an outstanding father to our two, so I dont get why he slacks with them..
He slacks with them because
He slacks with them because he knows anything he does will result in conflict with their mother. Men avoid conflict. They are sufficient problem solvers when they believe they can effective eliminate a problem...there’s always extra drama when it comes to BMs so he just lets her deal with it. It’s also a way to play lazy and chalk blame up to BM for not taking care of it and saying if he would have she would have started an argument.
I think kids primarily with
I think kids primarily with their bm after baby is born is an excellent idea! And something that will work out way better for the kids.
You NEED to have bonding time and infants NEED plenty of sleep. Also, shouldn't be running out and about with an infant.
Skids will HAVE to be quiet for sleeping baby. You will be unable to take skids anywhere as feeding/sleeping and general health trump skids wanting to go to lake/park/mall/wtfever. Doesn't sound like a good summer break - "it's for the skids".
Ive managed to talk him into
Ive managed to talk him into sending them with bm for 3 weeks after baby is born, but the whole summer, ugh he'd have a cow..
Well DO NOT do for skids. Let
Well DO NOT do for skids. Let them have a crap summer...oh well.
I think you need to put your
I think you need to put your foot down about him getting help for the lying SD and the bed wetting SS. These are major problems and it is beyond neglectful for the parents to not be doing anything about it. Your husband sounds like a terrible parent to his older children. Perhaps if you stop doing for his kids - let him be in charge of hygiene, homework, getting them places, etc - he'll decide he doesn't really need them around more thn EOWE after all. Unless, of course, he's trying to avoid CS. You will have your hands full with 2 kids of your own, including an infant. Let him know he is going to have to pick up the slack with HIS kids while you handle your mutual children.
Its tough with me being home
Its tough with me being home now because I'm the only one here with them, weekends and nights hes here with them but doesnt do much but watch movies and play games with them. He doesnt do much- if any parenting to them. SD comes to me with period and sex questions & kids turn to me to wash laundry, cook, clean, take them to events and ect. They dont even consider their father as capable.. when im at work he doesnt even cook for them. Yet when its just him and BD they always go out to eat or go to his moms for dinner/lunch. Its almost like our daughter is his and his kids are mine.. I dont understand anything. I try to disengage but I kinda have to make dinner, I have to wash laundry, and Im in nesting mode so my house stays spotless. I just feel drained
You know nothing BURNS me
You know nothing BURNS me more as a BM than these couples where at SM's insistence the dad demands 50/50 (to avoid CS?)and then dumps them on a woman who gets tired of them after the novelty wears off - so they live in a house of resentment half their childhood.
I keep wondering why these
I keep wondering why these SMs push their husbands to get 50/50 or full custody when it's obvious that these men don't want to be parents.
There were good reasons that my DH did not have 50/50, none of them having to do with him being a non-parent or not loving his kid. I left well enough alone.
DH had 50/50 before I came
DH had 50/50 before I came around, but couldn't exersize it once BM moved over 30 minutes away.
But you also wrote, "so for
But you also wrote, "so for me it was a no brainer to have him ask for them 50/50 like it was supposed to be.".
Did he not want to exercise it on his own? Was he okay with just EOWE? What is he doing to be a parent and address their issues? It shouldn't all be on you.
Well that's a huge assumption
Well that's a huge assumption on your part, and an inaccurate one at that. Many states, like mine, still require CS in 50/50 situations.
My state requires CS in 50/50
My state requires CS in 50/50 situations if there's an income disparity, but it's less than it would be without 50/50. For example, with 50/50 my SO would pay roughly 25% of the difference between his income and BM's income. With EOWE, he'd pay 25% of his total income. Since BM here has an income, it makes a big difference.
Are there states that require full CS when there's 50/50 physical custody?
Yes, my DH paid lower CS when
Yes, my DH paid lower CS when he was awarded 50/50. It went from $1,000 a month to $600, but then he was ordered to pay 100 percent of all medical expenses (and carry their insurance), while BM was awarded all tax credits. Our expenses increased more than $400 a month just to have them here so often, and bm uses the ER like a walk-in clinic. So, effectively, he paid more to have his kids half the time.
What a state "requires" seems to matter little if the judge sees mothers as incapable of equally supporting their kids.
DH only pays $30 a week, it
DH only pays $30 a week, it would be a lot more, but they did base it on the circumstances of the divorce too. Hes required to cover medical insurance and honestly we provide all clothes and shoes and school supplies. I do think part of his reasoning is paying more in CS... which annoys me, id pay it for him if that meant I dont have to parent HIS children anymore..
If the BP’s refuse to get the
If the BP’s refuse to get the 15yo help for his bed wetting (unacceptable, I feel bad for this kid tbh), then get him some depends to wear at night, or plastic sheets for the bed & floor. Cleaning up a 15yo’s urine is revolting, so find a way to mitigate & do that instead.
The little liar... I’d simply refuse to be around her without DH being present. When he pulls the ‘you hate my kids’ card, tell him, ‘no I don’t hate your kids, I hate how you don’t parent them’. Put it back on him.
If you don’t want to be at home with his kids all the time, then get yourself a job as soon as you can & simply don’t be available. Or outright refuse to watch them anymore. You don’t need to be their free babysitter, but you realistically may need to give up being a SAHM in order to achieve that.
I don't have to clean up
I don't have to clean up after him, but I end up being the one to catch it and have to make him clean it all up. A huge issue with the children is BM lets them run wild, do whatever they want, as shes gone 90% of the time. So any corrective action we take here seems useless because they know next week theyre back to doing whatever they want. I did pick up a PT job in November but recently left due to being 38 weeks pregnant now. His income doesnt demand me working so it makes me sad to not want to be home with my babies, i feel i miss out on so much with them all because of his kids.
I get that, I’d want to have
I get that, I’d want to have that time purely for my bios as well. You’re going to need to talk to your DH then, if you’re not willing to watch his kids while you’re home he’s going to need to look for childcare for them.
Considering you’re home though, this could pose an issue between you. I don’t agree a SP has to look after skids if they don’t want to, but when you’re dependent on your partner & they have 50/50, realistically that’s often what ends up happening.
You need to choose what’s most important to you. Keep your sanity from skids with a job once the baby can be in daycare (gives you more leverage to say you don’t want skids there when DH isn’t there as well), have the conversation with him that you want to continue to SAH but without the skids there, or simply go along with the way things are now.
Not an easy choice, but then plenty of women who’d like to be at home with their kids return to work, so you’re definitely not alone on that front.
You said you grew intolerant
You said you grew intolerant of them. So his kids didn't change -- you changed?
Did you not understand the kids' problems with bedwetting and lying before you dove in? Or did it turn out that after you got pregnant, you weren't really interested in other people's kids anymore because you had your own? Or did his kids turn out to be a lot more work than you realized?
I guess I'm asking to really look at what drove the sudden intolerance. If you suddenly had your own kid so you didn't feel like raising his anymore, well...that's not really fair to his kids, especially after you lobbied for them to live with you. You can't just give kids back when you don't like them.
But if the whole gaggle of kids paired with a new baby is just overwhelming, well...you bit off more than you can chew and maybe his kids would be better with someone who can handle them.
Be honest and fair about why you've had a change of heart about his kids. If you really can't handle it all, look for solutions. But if you lost interest in his kids just because you had your own, I think that's kind of shitty. It sounds as if his kids are a mess. Regardless of why you've become intolerant, you need more help with them. It might be time for your husband to step up and parent ALL his kids fairly. To be honest, it sounds as if HE lost interest in his kids and it's baffling why he'd be so busy making more. I'd worry about that if I were you.
DH & I already have a 3 year
DH & I already have a 3 year old daughter together so it has nothing to do wirh having my own children. When I dove in I had no idea of the bed wetting and obviously no clue of the lying SD because I bought everything she told me, it wasnt until later I discovered these things. With 50/50 custody I've learned BM is a real piece of work and lets these kids run wild and do as they please, so whatever tactics we use here to correct mentioned issues dont work because they know next week theyll be back to doing whatever they want. I've just tried really hard to fix these issues and things only get worse, so thats mainly why I've lost interest. Our daughter has also begun her copy cat stage and I hate the idea of her or my soon to be son acting the way they do.
The CS numbers so many pay or
The CS numbers so many pay or receive are mind boggling to me. The SpermIdiot paid $110/mo initially (1 year) then it went to $133/mo for 9 years. That made SpermGrandPa puke because it was always SpermGrandPa and SpermGrandHag who paid their idiot breeder waste of skin son's obligation for my SS and for the younger three also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawn by two additional baby mamas.
After 9 years my wife finally filed for an ammendment of CS and it went from $133 to $785/mo. It went that high because the SpermIdiot ignored multiple requests for his income information, ignored multipe court summons' and physically ran from the process server. The DA contacted my wife to provide employment, income and historical tax information on the SpermIdiot. She went CPA on his ass and gave the DA a ton of info on the SpermIdiot as well as the wage information for licensed plumbers in the SpermIdiot's county, his employer, etc..... Due to his failure to provide information and his running from the Constable serving a court summons the DA also invoked direct payroll withholding.
That brought him screaming for a new hearing. At $785/mo direct withholding his paycheck was $0.00. At that hearing CS was dropped to $385/mo for the last 6 years. Due to his running the $785 amount was left in effect until he repaid the accruel of $785/mo from the initial filing date until the final $385 order was invoked.
$1000/mo or more, heck, even $500/mo just pisses me off all over again over the idiocy of SpermLand courts letting POS morons off the hook for supporting their children. Parents should support their kids. But... if CS represents a significant % of the CP's income the CP should have to account for how that money is spent.
Even my wife, a former CP, has this opinion. Her BioDad was killed in a car accident before my MIL found out that she was pregnant with my DW. My MIL recieved significant VA survivors benefits for my DW for 18 years. That money could have paid for my brides college education and all three of her half sibs college educations and still left a decent monthly stipend to help with the costs of raising my DW. But... my ILs are instant gratification people and have always spent every penny they can get their hands .... and more. When my wife asked my ILs what they had spent all of hte VA money on at a time when my ILs were in a particularly deep financial crisis due to their usual poor decisions it caused all kinds of butt hurt feelings and family drama.
The whole CS thing is mind boggling to me. How can some pay figuratively nothing while others have to pay piles of cash in CS? Sure, I understand that different people earn at different levels but the CS system, or lack of system, is seriously lacking,
smh
as far as I know DH pays next
as far as I know DH pays next to nothing because circumstances of divorce was that BM cheated on him and withheld the children afterwards. CS was also figured with 50/50 custody and DH gave her the family truck and HIS house.
A stiff bribe to pay off a
A stiff bribe to pay off a cheater. But.. if the Skids were young at the time of divorce he may have gotten off cheaply.
"So for me it was a no
"So for me it was a no brainer to have him ask for them 50/50 like it was supposed to be."
^^^^^^^^^^This seems to be a classic case of "be careful what you wish for". You seem to have had good intentions but now that the kids are there half the time you are feeling it. Also being a SAHM must be wearing you thin and you're at a point where you want to spend most of your time with your own biological kids. You have to have a heart to heart talk with him, regardless if he gets upset and doesn't like it....you need to tell him your wants and needs in order for the house hold to function in a more peaceful way for all involved.