You are here

I think our family might break

ChaChaGal's picture

Hi, I’m new here :) 

We have been together with DH for four years. He has a girl, 8 years this month. 

He got divorced from his wife one year before we met. I got to know his daughter and I thought we were friends. I feel I loved her, and I missed her a lot. I thought we were good friends. We played a lot to together etc. She was with us fre weeks last year, and now came for summer. 

She has been complaining all this time about her mom. How mom is mean to her. Spanked her even. Not buyes anything etc. We decided to lawyer up and try to get her custody. Everyone warned that she is one really went into spesifics. Just just she can be rude. 

Two weeks now with us. I’m sitting in a train, going away. With DH marriage is good. We have a one year old adorable girl. 

I feel like such a loser. Im over thirty. Have my own company. I should not be in this train. But since day one, SD has bullied me (like she bullies everyone else except her dad). When DH leaves the house, it starts. She will run around, scream, scare the baby. Yesterday I was outside with BD and for over twenty  times she told me ”Baby sleep, me internet” and pointed the door. I calmly said no...unti I snapped and raised voice saying, ”you do not say when we go in and baby goes to sleep.” She shut up and went in.

I put baby to sleep, go to her, offer to play, she says goodbye, closes her door on me. 

She does not speak my language, but she sure knows enough faces to make me feel like shit. 

If nothing else works she will take away clothes and try to make me watch cuz she knows it embatrasses me. Then she laughs a shitty laugh. 

With baby, she will scare her (be a zombie, go inside black garbage bag and growl), take the toys, just not even watch at her all day...until dad comes home, then she will be good and ”love sister”. But baby is scared and not likes her at all.


so I left. To take a break. SD mom is not good mom. She should be with her dad. But I don’t think I can be a parent for her and put baby in the mix.

any advice? Sad

Areyou's picture

I have gone through the same situation with a stepdaughter who was not very kind such as yours but then put on the sweetest face when her dad was around. I decided to take a break like you have too. I bought my own house and moved out but DH and I still continue to maintain our relationship. I just don't see much of the stepkids anymore. I'm glad you're taking a break. Take time to think about what you want and if you don't feel good in that situation, you can change it. 

elkclan's picture

You can't be friends with an 8 yr old - and certainly not with an 8 yr old stepdaughter. 

Let's look at this from her point of view. She's barely around really and apparently has a bad mother then she comes to stay infrequently with her dad and stepmother. Now they have a baby which means you have less time 'to play with her' - of course you don't! And apparently you look after ths child while her father is at work. And then, if I read this right, there's a language barrier, too? Plus shes probably bored which is why she's demanding the internet. 8 yr olds can only entertain themselves for so long. 

And then there's the whole change of custody issue which is because she talked about her mom in a bad way. Mom may or may not be as bad as she's making out (I don't know!) but this custody thing is a super amount of stress that she doesn't have any real control in where she lives or who she lives with. Sometimes it sucks to be a kid. 

Maybe this kid has more serious problems than I'm seeing here, but a lot of this sounds like regression, upset and crying out for attention. I'm not saying that it makes her behaviour easier to deal with just that there's a lot going on in this kid's life that she may not have the tools to talk about. 

Merry's picture

It sounds to me like the 8 year old is in charge. Children do not get to bully adults. She does not order you around. The first time she demands that the baby go to sleep, you correct her. The second time, there are consequences. No way should she go on with her demands 20 times before you act.

Talk with your husband about consistent discipline with this girl. She doesn't sound like a bad kid to me, just has been through a lot of changes and is trying to get what she wants. But she needs to know that she is NOT in charge.

Another option is to put her in daycare when her father is not at home. HE is the parent, and if he is not there to parent he makes other arrangements.

fourbrats's picture

Normal 8 year old behavior. Running around, screaming or speaking loudly, "playing" with the little one through scary games etc are all normal. Acting like a zombie is just the new thing. It was monsters when my kids were younger. Plus there is a language barrier and she is 8, so I cannot say for certain that her phrasing to you about the internet was meant as a demand and not just an 8 year old thinking that she has to speak that way because you don't speak the same language. It's like speaking louder to a deaf person instead of writing something down or signing. 

It sounds like you spent a lot of time with her last summer and this year you have a toddler so she is by herself most of the time. So she has a tough time with her mom, barely sees her dad, is left with someone she has a language barrier with and is lonely. All of this can contribute to behavioral issues.