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I think I want out ....

ElleJay07's picture

I'm 4 and a half years into blended family life and one year married and I think I want out! I am exhausted from constantly trying to keep the peace. My son (13) doesn't seem happy, my step daughter (9) has decided to live with her mum and just visit dad and now dad (my husband) is unhappy. We've had so many ups and downs and I know marriages take work but this feel excessive. I love him, he's a kind, honest, loyal man but no-one in our blended family unit seems particularly happy, me included ......

ElleJay07's picture

She already has and now husband is really miserable (understandably) but I feel I'm constantly surrounded by people feeling down or unhappy ....

I've had tonnes of therapy to help me understand and adjust to blended family life and I just feel like I have nothing left to give to the family anymore ....

Merry's picture

I don't agree that it's understandable that he's miserable because SD isn't living with him. Sure, he will miss her and be sad about that for a while, but if he's living in constant misery because his child is living with her mother, then that's a huge issue. The world doesn't stop because a child is not present.

Does your DH have depression or anxiety? I could see where the change in living arrangements might trigger a dark episode, but he can't stay there forever. 

If he lives in a child-centric world, then there is not much room for a healthy marriage and you are right to be considering your options.

JRI's picture

I understand thst feeling, these stepfamily interactions are so draining.  Let me ask you: do you work?  Going back to work was a lifesaver for me.  I started part-time for a few years then full-time.  I don't know what it was about it that helped so much.  I guess just being around other adults.

ElleJay07's picture

Thank you for listening. I do work but at the moment it's from home because of COVID-19

And regardless wouldn't work be a distraction and not addressing the real issues? I feel like we're constantly putting a plaster over things. I'm brokering relationships in the household all the time......

JRI's picture

I guess the bottom line is, do you still want a relationship with DH?  Do you still want to be with him?  Thats the bottom line.  The rest of it, your son, his daughter, can probably be managed.  But if it's just not there with him, then no.

I'd say that this covid pandemic has put serious pressure on many people.  Ive thought tp myself thst there will be many divorces afterwards.  Has that been a factor?

SteppedOut's picture

It's ok to be over it. Sometimes you are just done and that's it. You don't have to keep trying different ways to make miserable livable. 

Go find your happy; this clearly is just not the relationship for you. 

tog redux's picture

So - what are the issues? The kids don't get along? You want rules and DH didn't have any before, so SD is upset? Is BM an issue in your marriage, or your ex?

Might help to talk about what step issues are causing the problems.

Rags's picture

Though I historically was one to not consider divorce.... the greatest gift I have ever received was when my first wife (serially adulterous whore though she was) played the D card.  Her gift, combined with not polluting my gene pool with her, freed me to move on to an amazing marriage to an incredible woman.  My amazing bride and I met 3+ years after my divorce was final and married near the 4th anniversary as my divorce being final.

Both of us were fortunate that events unfolded that freed us from miserable relationships earlier in our lives.  

Misery is never something that anyone should tolerate in what is supposed to be an equity life partnership. If either partner is miserable then it is time for some deep analysis of the relationship and related influences that are causing the misery.  If both partners are incapable or unwilling to address it... it is best to move on for all involved.  

We only get one trip through this life so tolerating a miserable relationship should never happen.  Taking a do-over after a crappy relationship is not a bad thing.  Keep the option in mind.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.