I need help
I'm in a relationship of almost 4 years, My partner has 2 boys a 14yo and a 12yo to her Ex husband and we have a 2yo together. I'm 38 and this is my first child,She is the same age and its obviously her 3rd child so she is more relaxed.
The older kids father is in their lives and takes them see's them every second day and takes them every second weekend. Ive always let their relationships run their course with out getting involved and we seem to get on alright, Never had words etc the EX and I.
I feel I've been very tolerant to a lot of things in our relationship as being from a broken home and not wanting to be detrimental to her boys head space etc. There are issues I think they have with their parents breaking up that haven't really been dealt with by anyone to much, I think they have all done what they knew how too and don't mean disrespect there. there is so much to say but most of the things I can deal but need someone neutrals opinion on some issues.
The 14yo is going through he own issues as they do which is fine but he does a lot of of building of animal cages etc for all his animals and leaves hand saw's, Knifes box cutters etc around either in his room or on the floor of the garage and never cleans it up, Ive said many times to my partner about it and I think she thinks im being picky or what ever, But im worried my 2yo is going to pick them up and hurt himself and As any normal person would be very angry getting a phone call at work because the youngest has had an accident because of carelessness. He has other stuff going on but that is my biggest gripe with him.
The 12yo I have a hard time dealing with as right from the start of our relationship we have had issues right from the start which is more then understandable coming from a his parents breaking up I am guilty of not being able to get close to him as I have issues with his behaviors that I have a hard time getting past. Also on previous occasions if I say anything to him my partner jumps to his defense and cuts me down in front of him and pretty much right down to small stuff is the same. To say against myself I cant be warm to him and most of the time am cold to him as I will say later in relation to how he relates to my son. I feel there has been a lot I cant get past, For a long time if the come home from anywhere or down for breakfast they never said hello just walk past I always have to be the first to say it and If I don't no one says anything, That may be childish? but I feel if you walk into a room where someone else is you should say hi?
There has always been animosity there, As I know if i down I get cut down in front of him and told to leave in the end. I just need to get to the point.. I'm currently having problems with him usually i don't say anything just go silent and they know I am not happy, The 2 older kids don't have to do any chores what so ever So on my days of I made their beds and wash clothes of everyone look after the 2 yo and do vacuuming etc and generally tidy the house. I just recently stopped making their beds they are in high school and should be able to do the basics. Anyway last big blow up I pointed at the dishwasher for her 12yo to put his dinner plate etc in there and not in the sink, There must of been more going on at the time because I pointed and not spoke it was a major problem.
When I came home from work the next day no one was there usually my partner and baby are there, I got home at around 4 and sent a text about 5 or 6 asking when they would be home, I got a text back saying she was almost at her mums which is 2 and a half hours away, I couldn't reply because I was hurt and angry that she feels she had the right just to take my son with out even saying a word about it and thought to myself how do you deal with someone that feels they just have that right? Anyway i got a text later saying they were there Ok, I sent one back asking did she let the other boys father know she was taking them there and he knew. After speaking about it when she got back to letting me know about taking my son, What if you had an accident? i would never of known or seen my boy again,she replied "well I could have an accident driving to the shops" "do I need to tell you every time i go driving now".
Ok Lately i have been watching them playing as my son loves him and always wants to play with the "12yo" which is fine and great so I try not to say too much even when im seeing behavior i do not like. I've noticed he my 2yo either follows him or he gets him to go out of sight from us and most of the time its fine but some days He torments the younger one and I don't like it at all, He also is I feel teaching him bad behaviors like coming down from the second story of our house on his tummy head first which he is always doing now with or with out him, and the usual stuff burping and, horse play like running into the wall to try and make the younger one laugh, So once again he copies this. We ask him to be calm at night and not ruff him up before bed but he just ignores it and high pitched noise and yelling and general being a kid i suppose but it gets old as the 2yo is starting to yell and squeal and back when he doesn't want to listen.
I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with the tormenting as this morning the 12yo takes him into another room and didn't know i was getting dirty clothes from up stairs and saw him whack the ball out of the 2yo's hands and there was no need they both had one, or he will take what the toddler has and holds it so he cant get it till he cries etc. This part im not sure is innocent or not, He seems encourage my boy to jump on him a lot either be on his knees like a horse or laying on his back encouraging the 2yo to jump on him while he covers his genitals, "oh you stepped on my (*&^%%) or just lays on the lounge on his stomach while my son tries to climb up while he doesn't help him just leaves his face in his backside. etc he has now farted in my sons face 4 times which I think is just wrong, Anyway I to try and cut this short Tonight they were coming down the stairs head first the baby got hurt So i Told the 12 yo what are you doing teaching him that etc and then mum flies to his defense cuts me down and says they are being kids etc. Being kids is fine but he is the sort of kid when the baby gets hurt he just walks away and if the baby ends up with a broken neck he will just go on living his life no worries. So obviously I let out how I feel about it all and not liking him lure him out of sight and tormenting him and the farting etc, So she has given me my marching orders and taken the 3 boys and Im to move out and I will need a good lawyer if i think im taking my son.
I'm sorry hopefully someone can make some sort of sense out of this as I cant talk to anyone about it around me yet