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I NEED ADVISE!!!!

dazedandconfused's picture

Hello all! I am new here. I need some advise, thoughts, suggestions, help...
Here is my situation:

I am the live-in girlfriend of a man with two children 5 and 11. I can't call myself the "stepmom" even though that is my role in the relationship. He has been seperated from his wife for over two years, both are in other relationships, neither are in any hurry to get divorced (red flag for me). He has already told me will never remarry. I have been in the relationship for a year and a half. Living in the house just a touch over a year.

The beginning:
I tried to friend and do alot of things with both the boys. Cards, games, coloring, etc. I have been here, done this, I have a 19yr old son I raised on my own, he is a good one with morals and values, a good job and school. I also have a ton of expierence with children, aka: teachers assistant for many years all ages. This should have been a breeze.. right? I am then informed by my BF that I need to distance myself from the children, apparently they go to mom's house and talk about all the fun we have and now she is upset.. I am trying to replace her.. bla bla bla! Not my intentions. Then we can't talk about things, cause we have to keep things secret from mommy. It might upset her. BF says he is "protecting" the oldest boy from mommy's angry wrath!?! So here I am started out on a good note.. now I have to seperate myself from doing things with the kids??? Did I mention at this time (for 9 months after I move in) she still has full access to the house. Can come and go whenever she wants.. use the pool when we are out of town, etc. "for the kids"

The middle:
The youngest is a doll, execpts me for who I am.. is approachable.. fun loving and resilient to what is going on around him. He approaches me regaurdless of the "keep away from the kids" rule. The oldest is broody and spoiled, used to getting his own way, doing whatever he wants, and is often found in the company of the adult friends hearing things, I don't feel a child of his age should hear. He has always gotten everything he has wanted, daddy USED to have alot of $$. He is argumentative and stand offish, he acts like a teenager already!!!!

I am trying my best to be understanding, that his whole world as he knew it has fallen apart. But he is rude and mean and nasty to me. He is disresectful of me, but also never does this in front of his father, but then tells his father that "I hate him" pitting us against eachother.
He comes and goes whenever he pleases, never comes home for dinner (I have always done the "family" sit down dinners), he is on the phone with his girlfriend until midnight(did I mention he is 10 almost 11?) I have overheard talk of underwear colors, etc. His brother just had his 5th birthday party, which we made into a "family" event, but the older one dissapears and wants no part of the "family" event. His birthday is next week and we will be expected to have a "family" event for him!?! His dad does not care about any of these things!! Am I over stepping my boundries by getting upset?? He is afterall not quite 11!! All I see is things worsening when he hits teen status!!

The House Rules:
????? There aren't any.. execept for me!!! There are NO bed times usually we, the adults are in bed long before the children!! So there is no adult time on the weeks that we have them! I have a "no uh.. adult relationship" rule when the kids are there!!! This is a new relationship! Hw has full custody of his boys, so what the heck if we had them all the time?? I don't get an answer to that question!

I cook, clean, and do their laundry, but am not allowed to discipline!

What should my boundries be?? Should I just sit back and say.. they are HIS kids?? But then I look like the devil cause I am not helping out in any way! I am just sooooo beyond frustrated, i guess thats why I am here. None of my friends are or ever have been in the situation.. they don't get it and tell me I just need to back off and leave it alone they are his kids and not yours! But then should I still be doing the "motherly" duties of cooking cleaning and such???

HELP! I need some serious advice!!

Casper3's picture

They aren't yours. So if your opinions and your effort are not appreciated then you will just grow resentful (unless you are a complete angel with no thought of your own worth). If this is your home, you need to feel comfortable there. My suggestion (and what I did) was make a list of "make it's or break it's". What I will and will not accept or do. DH gets mad sometimes when he feels I get to pick and choose what I will do for his boys but tough!!!! Guess what, if I can't make decisions for them I won't be responsible for them. Everything I do is a favor and can be stopped at any time.

Do not let yourself be trampled in your own home. Take care.

StepMadre's picture

I got so angry reading this, I was almost screaming at my laptop. This whole situation is soooo messed up and unfair to you. The problem is that no one is going to fix it except for you. I agree that you are going to have to set some very clear boundaries with your husband and the kids. It seems like your H wants the best of both worlds and he hasn't resolved his former relationship (legally or emotionally) and expects you to be okay with that. He is still married, his ex-wife still has full access to the house that YOU live in and he won't let you bond with his kids because it might make his ex upset?????!!!!! This is completely insane! Who is he catering to? I hate to say this, but I think that you are going to have to make him choose. You or the Ex. He is blurring his relationship with his kids with his relationship with his ex. They are separate things. It's completely fine for him to be on good terms with his ex, but there has to be a clear boundary.

First of all, he is in a relationship with you, right? Then you need to come before his ex. Right now, pleasing his ex seems to be more of a priority than pleasing you. When you tell him how you feel and what you need, he needs to make that a priority over what his ex wife wants or feels. Who is more important to him? He might say you, but his actions need to SHOW that you are more important. Otherwise, you are with a man who puts his ex over you and that is just not okay. If you feel uncomfortable having his ex in the house, then he needs to respect that and create a boundary. Just because you aren't married to him doesn't mean that you don't deserve all the respect that any woman in a relationship deserves. How would he feel if you had your house open to your ex boyfriends and they could wander in and out as they wanted? It would be completely bizarre and inappropriate and so is letting his ex wife in the house. Even when I was my husband's girlfriend, he would not let his ex past the front porch. He knew it was completely inappropriate and that it would upset me if she entered my house at all. This is a matter of basic respect.

He might say that the kids need to have their mom in the house, but that is BS. Does the ex have a home of her own? I'm assuming she doesn't push a shopping cart around and live in a cardboard box and so when she spends time with her kids she needs to do it on her own turf, be it a shopping cart or a mansion. My husband has two children and they do NOT require their mother to be in our home at all or for any reason. We have all kinds of things that she does not have at her hovel (comparable to a swimming pool) and it is not our responsibility to let her into our home to use them. If she wants to take the kids swimming, she should take them to the public pool like everyone else!

I would say that the basic boundaries that need to be set are first with your boyfriend. You are his current partner, married or not and you need to be given that respect. You need to come first, over his ex. Secondly, it is BS that he doesn't want you to bond with the kids because it might upset his ex. If it upsets her and she takes it out on the kids, then you can address that when it happens. If she is abusive with the kids in any way you can take legal action, but in no way should you have to tiptoe around trying not to offend her. If the kids love you then she can deal with that like a grownup, not forcing you to cater to her like a spoiled child.

As far as rules in your house go, the kids can act any way they want with their mom, but it is your house and you and your boyfriend need to come up with some ground rules. My husband and I have a list of basic house rules on the wall where the boys can see them (things like no hitting/punching, no swearing, no name calling, clean up after yourself etc...). If they break a rule, they go to time out in the bathroom and if they continue to break a rule, they lose game time or tv time (they get 1/2 an hour a day of either game time or tv time). It was difficult at first with lots of temper tantrums, but they are great now and we have almost no discipline problems. The thing is that in order to set rules it has to feel like YOUR house. There is no way that I could set the rules if there was any confusion in the kids eyes about whose house it was. If their mom was in my home, they would be confused about who to obey and in my house, it's my rules. This applied when I was my husband's girlfriend, fiance and wife. It makes no difference. I will not live in a home where another woman has precedence, plain and simple.

Unfortunately, like I said before, no one else is going to set these boundaries and there will be some resistance at first. Your boyfriend needs to be on board and you need to make it very clear how you feel and what you expect. I would express my feelings and all my concerns and then set some boundaries. It's up to you to decide what you will or won't put up with.

I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope things get better!!!!!!!

"A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness isn’t being a bully, it’s having a backbone.” ~Robert Kiyosaki

dazedandconfused's picture

Thank you for the advice. Just reading the forum helps out so much. I am glad I found this place. So nice to hear I am not alone!

The BM is no longer allowed to come into the household, I finally got through to him that she had no reason to be there and that until I had the right to go over to her place whenever I wanted, she was no longer allowed to come and go and if she was, I was moving out! I wish I didn't have to be so drastic about it, but that seems to be the only way I can get through to him. He tells me every so often that they are filing divorce papers, but then the talk just fizzles out until I bring it up again! Its frustrating!

I keep trying to set ground rules, but no one wants to follow through with them. He does not want rules of any kind for his children and is over compensating for growing up with parents who had iron clad rules, he doesn't see that he having no rules, boundries, or responsibilities will eventually hurt his children. I fear that the oldest with grow up just expecting everyone around him to cater to his every need as he does now.

I have taken to just shrugging my shoulders and reminding myself that its not my problem. I have also put down the ground rules that if I am not allowed any form of discipline, they can cook and clean for themselves and I will not be a slave to children who do not appriciate or respect me. I have told my BF that if the oldest cant be at the dinner table on time, and if he is not home by the time we are done, his food will go into the garbage! This weekend we put some rules and chores on the dry erase bulletin board, we are having a family meeting tonight and we shall see how this week goes! I am keeping a possitive attitude! I hope it rubs off!!

Learning the Ropes's picture

My situation is similar, although his divorce is final. Living together right at a year, not married (although supposedly, we will be, but no date yet), I have clear rules for my 2, his daughter is quite coddled. SD is 12, and is not quite as out-of-control as you describe your older SS, but definitely is NOT accustomed to ever being told "no" about anything.

Communication with your BF is going to save you here. He needs to know your expectations and needs, and respect them. You also need to know his, so you know what role you are expected to play in all of this. Shrugging your shoulders will help you cope for now, but you don't want to grow resentful, so you need to know if your expectations can/will be met, and develop a plan with your BF for getting to where you both agree you need to be with the children.

The family meeting is an EXCELLENT idea! When his dinner is thrown out because he wasn't there to eat, he will have known that was what to expect, and will learn that is the natural consequence of not meeting his responsibilities. He'll also learn that you are not an idle threat maker that will coddle him, which he may not have previous experience with. I'd make sure there are no available snack foods around, either. Going to sleep hungry because of your refusal to comply with rules is a good teacher.

Children need boundaries. They thrive from them, and learn how to become adults that way. And adults need adult time. There needs to be a CLEAR, NO EXCEPTIONS bedtime until children are at least 15 or 16, at LEAST. No one says they have to go to sleep, but all lights out, tv's off, ipods and phones out of the room, what else are they going to do? They go to sleep. Tell him to talk to his GF before 9, so he can plan some time for that and still be responsible. Your relationship with your BF needs at least a few hours in the evening of time to be adults, to communicate about things without children. My 8yo has lights out at 9, so starts getting ready for bed at 8, my 14yo has lights out at 10. I would say under no circumstances, even with a child that needs almost no sleep, should it ever be later than 11. (That's pushing it) The first time SD found out lights out was at 10 for the girls, she thought they were in trouble and being sent to bed early! I assured her that was not the case at all, that I just loved them so much that I wanted to be certain that they had all the rest they needed to be healthy and have a great day the following day. Would you believe she replied, "Oh, okay. Well, I'll see you in the morning. Good night." I know it won't always go like that, but she has seen that I have set rules, and no amount of re-asking, whining, even throwing tantrums bends them, so she went through a brief "you're mean" stage, but within a month or so, respects the rules without complaining. (MOST of the time, no child ever totally complies, do they?)

I wish you all the luck. It sounds like you are handling the situation very well, and being logical, not over-emotional. That will go miles!

dazedandconfused's picture

Well I agree on the no TV and setting a time for bed, but, each one has their own TV in their room which is on 24/7!! BF will NOT turn them off for any reason. Even when we go camping and its a beautiful day out...TV! He puts that stupid thing on repeat, just in case the little one gets up while we are camping, and I get to have my sleep disturbed by repeated sounds of Sponge Bob! He won't budge on that at all, but I have put in my request for the next camping season.. PLEASE.. no TV on UNLESS its RAINING!!!! We are camping to enjoy the outdoors, not TV, we may as well save the $$ and stay home! I hope it works!

Yes, everyone only threatens to do things and there is no follow through on anything!

I HAVE HAD A MAJOR BREAK THROUGH!!!!!!
The oldest got his phone taken away!!! I guess there had been other conversations that BM had overheard as well.. so she came by last night and took the phone!!!!
He has had his first consiquence for his actions, not just a threat! BF and BM actually came to an agreement on it!!
Maybe just maybe the "family meeting" worked!!
So far its been a decent week! I know I am only two days into it, but usually Kid Mondays are the worst! I have switched our "family" movie night to Mondays instead of earning it through the week, I switched it to only having to earn it through dinner on Monday! Everyone puts their movie choice into a box and one gets pulled out and all of us sit down to watch it together! Its been an exciting event for them.. usually BF is on the phone or computer!

Learning the Ropes's picture

I am SOOOOO stealing your "ideas in a box" thing! I love that! Not just for movies, but that could work for other stuff, too! Good strategy on putting an enjoyable activity on the toughest day, too! Good planning can prevent so many problems! (teacher in me talking!)

BM and BF coming to an agreement on the phone consequence is huge. That's the way co-parenting is supposed to go. I'd maybe tell him how glad you are to see such good progress, and ask him, in the interest of making "family" movie night more successful, could he turn off the computer and phone just through the movie and take part. You certainly don't want to start a pattern of you entertaining the kids so he can disengage. Tell him you all want him to be part of it. We used to have family bowling night on Wednesday (that's the dollar night) and it was something we all looked forward to, plus there are no computers or phones there! Smile When we started doing counseling, the only available night was Wednesday, so we haven't done it in a while, but we sure do miss it!

TV when CAMPING?!?! WHAT?!?! We tent camp regularly, and LOVE it! It is a great bonding activity, and escape from the stress of daily stuff. And our favorite places are the ones with no electricity, so you can really enjoy the peace and quiet. I don't know how you sleep with TV's going... I can't do it. If a TV is on anywhere, my mind is following the dialogue, and I simply cannot fall asleep, even after 3 or 4 hours! My ex couldn't sleep without one on, you could turn it off and he'd wake up, turn it back on and his eyes would roll back and he'd start snoring again. It was a fun game sometimes. }:) I really think it was a contributing factor in our divorce, though. One or the other of us went without sleep, or slept in different rooms. Now, my son is starting to show signs of TV sleep dependency bc he stays with his dad a good bit, and it worries me, but after a day or so back with me, he's able to fall asleep easier in a nice, quiet room.

So what was BF's reaction to/attitude toward the family meeting idea? Does he seem committed to making it work? You may want to also have a 30-minute or so time for just you two to assess it at the end of the week to see what worked, what didn't, make changes, etc. Then you have the ultimate united front when presenting it to the kids each time you have your "full family" sessions, and everything that is said will be, "your father and I agree that x, y, and z should be done".

dazedandconfused's picture

Thats why the boys so look forward to "family movie night" BF turns the phone off and stays away from the computer! Thats part of the agreement.. no phones or computers during the movie!

I tryed a "game" night but with the little one, it was hard to find games.

I have a very difficult time sleeping.. sometimes I will turn it off after BF falls alseep.. all the rooms are up stairs, so not only do I hear ours, but both of theirs as well!! It sucks!

BF is starting to come around, I really think that posting up on our bulletin at home the "one word why blended families have so many problems" blog from here helped a GREAT deal! Its like something has just recently clicked for him, maybe seeing that there are others out there with our same problems, I think he thought it was just all in my head!!

We did bowling nights for a while as well.. that is alot of fun. Good activity for all ages. I always tried to bowl badly to make the older one feel better!