I need advice
Forums:
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and a half. His son is 5 and my son is 3. His son has almost always had an issue with my son for no particular reason. My bf has tried talking to him about it but all he’ll say is “he doesn’t like him”. We’ve tried a few different ways to get them to at least co exist but his son refuses to even be near mine anymore. It’s becoming a huge problem in our relationship. We are close to just giving up and breaking up. Does anyone have any advice on what else we can do to try to get his son to at least tolerate being near mine?
Do you live together? How
Do you live together? How often are the boys together? Is there a BM in the picture? Any way she's coaching the little boy to not accept your son?
Welcome to the site!
Welcome to the site!
Children often find younger ones annoying and your 3 yr old is little more than a toddler atm. 3 yr olds often have no concept of sharing and will just take whatever toy they want at the time. If this is the case perhaps your SS could play with his toys sitting at a table where the 3 yr old can't get at them? It could be that given a year or two things will improve. But having said that - it is worth finding out whether your SS is being coached by his bio mother as ndc says.
We had plans to move in
We had plans to move in together, but my bf now doesn’t want to until his son will can get along with mine. He has him on the weekends so our boys hang out maybe once or twice a month. His BM is in the picture and has made it clear she doesnt like me because her son tells her that he loves me. Me and his son get along amazingly. His son likes personal space and prefers to be alone all the time so he can watch videos on his tablet. If We hang out I try to keep my son away as much as possible so his son can “have his alone time”.
If your BF's son likes his
If your BF's son likes his personal space and prefers to be alone all the time so he can watch videos on his tablet, then I think *any* other child is going to be a problem for him. What kind of parenting is your BF doing if he allows his son to be on a tablet all the time anyway? I think the first thing that needs to be done - completely unrelated to your son - is to limit this child's screen time. No 5 year old needs to be on a tablet all the time. He will never want/be able to play with other kids if all he has/wants is alone time with his tablet. Under no circumstances should this be presented as having anything to do with your son. Once the tablet is out of the picture except at limited times, you might be able to see whether this child is just an introvert, has other issues, or whether your son is actually a problem. Do you know how your BF's son is with other kids? It may not just be your son he has an issue with, or your son may be the only other kid he's exposed to on a continuing basis. Does he have friends at his mom's house? Step-siblings there? Or does he isolate himself with his tablet at her house as well?
Have you tried family outings to do fun things together? The boys might be more inclined to play together if they were involved in a fun activity.
I would not underestimate the likelihood, particularly if the BM does not like you, that she is planting ideas in his head about not liking you and your son. Perhaps since he *does* love you, he's channeling all of that to your son. I'm not saying that's what is happening, but we've seen many instances of BM's poisoning the well where dad's second family is concerned.
On what planet does a 5-year
On what planet does a 5-year-old get to decide he won't be around another kid and everyone complies with that?
Yes, you should stop your son from annoying him when he wants to be alone, and no, he shouldn't be forced to play with your son or like your son. But otherwise, he can be told just to deal with it. Does he get to refuse to go to school if he doesn't like a kid there?
This 5-year-old is being given way too much power.
Agreed...even bio siblings
Agreed...even bio siblings can not like each other sometimes...and of course the parents would say deal with it!
My boyfriend Doesn’t want to force anything
He doesn’t want to force the boys to hang out if his son doesn’t want to. When they do hang out his son will complain to him afterwards or comepkain to his mom, even if he had fun while they hung out. The boys seem to get along when they do hang out until my boyfriend and his son leave. The only time his son is around other kids is at school or if he sees his cousins. And from what I understand when his son is at his moms he spends a lot of time alone with his tablet or tv or whatever. I was told he didn’t really get along with his cousin until like a year or two ago
See how the 5yo likes
See how the 5yo likes consequences for his rude behaviors and rejection of your 3yo. Rude gets a swat to the butt and a twisted ear march to the nearest corner where he stands holding the intersection walls up with his nose until the adults get tired.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
The 5yo can complain all he wants to but the common message to him given by his dad has to be "Stop being rude and you won't have to stand in the corner. You can have fun playing with (3yo) instead."
What the 5yo says to his BM doesn't matter. She is irrelevent within the blended family dynamic you and your partner are creating. Kids have been coddled and their "feelings" given some kind of magical credibility over the past couple of decades.
Their feelings don't matter. Only behaviors matter. Apply increasingly unpleasant consequences untill the behaviors comply with the established standards.
Keep it simple.