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I hate my stepkids too :( I CRINGE just thinking about them coming over

nc stepmom's picture

I feel terrible and I do recognize my feelings and keep swearing to myself I will change. but, as soon as his kids come over, my anger and rage appears and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

They aren't even bad kids, just annoying to me. I have two of my own and they aren't dream children either. I feel so guilty because my husband is nice to my kids and we try to do activities with them. I would rather die than do anything with his kids. I have a ten and twelve year old (girl and boy). He has FOUR kids (19, 16, 13 and 10).

The 19 year old is fine mostly; I just think it's stupid to allow him to continue to not get his lisence. He is a sophomore in college for God's sake! The 13 year old boy is about as mature as a 9 year old, and I am not exaggerating. He still wants to hold his dad's hand when they go somewhere and has stuffed animals in his room. My 12 year old would rather die, he just wants to play sports and be a boy. I try to bve understanding, but I just can't stop it.

And, his 10 year-old who used be self-sufficient, has now started cuddling with him all the time and showing her puppy dog eyes to get her way, not to mention whining all the time.

Like I said, my kids are no dream, but they don't act this immature and it's driving me crazy. I make comments that are rude and inappropriate and it's driving a wedge in my marriage already. We've only been married since February and I get that this takes a while to work, but I did know the kids for four years before.

I'm wondering if I should just stay somewhere else when they come over. I hibernate in my room a lot to prevent saying rude things, but that gets so old and I feel like a prisoner in my own house.

Thanks for listening!

hippiegirl's picture

I'm no stranger to the hibernating in the bedroom thing. It sucks that we SM's have to resort to that sh!t, just so we can feel halfway comfortable in our own homes!

mimom3kids's picture

:sick: It is sad -- thankfully I only have to endure it for a weekend! I hate when she walks in my house, and just takes over!

JayS's picture

Funny thing..I'm recently separated, mainly as a result of how I treated my stepkids. I actually didn't do anything wrong to them...just did as many of you do and hide in the bedroom. My wife has told me a few times since we've been living apart that she hated it that I hid away and didn't bond with her kids. I don't waste my breath now in trying to explain myself to her. I felt horrible for hiding, but it was a last resort. The kids ran the house. SS was violent, (killed a cat out of rage, attacked me, broke things) and sneaky. SD was mouthy as all hell and defiant. Mom did very little to give them direction. I was at my wit's end, and so I withdrew. Now my wife tells me how terrible I was for hiding away. I almost laugh inside...she's denied that there are serious issues with her children from day one. I don't hate them at all..I just was not able to influence them for the better, for whatever reason I wasn't that guy who had infinite patience to even approach that mess. I feel badly for my wife, as she seems to be stuck in coddle mode. The kids are now 13 and 14 The pattern for their life is ingrained now. When troubles arise (but I do hope that they can live happy lives) in the future, she will have to understand where they began, and I really don't think that she sees where the kids started to stumble in their childhood, and where she may have stumbled in raising them. She's content to blame me, and that is truly sad.

JayS's picture

Thank you for your supportive words! In many ways I want to save our marriage...I believe that marriage is for life. But as you pointed out, there are issues that she's not even close to facing with her children. I know that in her own childhood, her dad was an aggressive drinker (though he has quit drinking)Every story she's told me somehow sees her scurrying to comply with dad's wishes as he has a tirade about dirty dishes or something equally small. Somewhere in time she shut down inside I think and to her, these issues with her kids are not a big deal...either that or the fear of facing them is far too great for her. And as much as I love her, you are reconnect to this volatile situation is going to drag me down. I hope that somehow we can in fact work this out, but I see no answer in sight.

Rags's picture

One of her toxic pelvic ejecta killed a cat for F sake.  The only thing I would have done differently than you have done is that she and her spawn would have been the ones to move.


Cfurni's picture

Geez, where do I start with home much I sympathize with you? I love my fiance so much but I HATE when his children come over (Twins boy and girl age 3, boy age 2). I instantly become in a bad mood as soon as I hear them come out of the car. Not one of them are potty trained and the twins are almost 4! Not one of them has an audible speech to where you can understand what they are saying.I have a 4 1/2 daughter that has digressed because she sees them going potty in their pants and she wants to act like a baby too. The BM makes no effort into potty training them or teaching them much of anything. They are so far behind where they should be, its clear that all she does is stick them in front of the T.V. The amount of money that he gives her no diapers and wipes and other things on top of child support is ungodly. The twin SS is so badly behaved, he will run away when I try to put him in the car, he makes the worst messes, and his poop stinks so bad it makes me vomit. What is worse is that my fiance shows favoritism towards the twin SS, and he is who I cannot stand the most.My SD does this grunt sound when she is mad that puts me over the edge and the littlest one cries over everything. I am pregnant with my fiance's child and do not know how I am going to handle having my step children around and a newborn. My SC are so aggressive with the animals we have I am terrified once the baby arrives that they will harm him in some sort of way. I am at my wits end. This past weekend really made me think. As I looked around at all the messes,and the broken toys that I bought my BD for her birthday, and the dirty stinky diapers in the garbage..I don't know if I should leave or make him? I have tried so hard to be tolerant with these kids and their BM but the thought of one of them living with us in the future makes me sick. My fiance doesn't understand why I always want to segregate myself from them.

TASHA1983's picture


I would run soooo far awy from this bullshit not even God Himself could stop me! I feel so bad for you hun, I could not and would NOT live like this for one single solitary second more. You, your BD, and your unborn child deserve SOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN this life that you have settled, yes I said settled for. Sad

Fine Dublin's picture

What age are you?
I'm 40
I had 15 years of this
If I knew what I know now I would have run for the hills
And the older the kids get the MORE difficult it gets
I'm now at the stage where there is a faint light at the end of the tunnelll
Good luck

Pixie Lara's picture

Right? That is what I keep in thinking!! I should not have got involved. How could I have been so naive? 

CSMof3's picture

I literally counted the hours until my DH's kids left every other weekend. Then, three months after we married, his ex went off the deep end and we got CUSTODY of his three children...all five years and under!!!!!! OMG. I cried for a year.
I feel your pain. I don't have much in the way of advice but I'm rooting for you Smile

Charmaigne's picture

My DH has his 5 year old every Wednesday Thursday and every other weekend meaning Friday through Sunday. She isn't bad or anything I just get stuck with the responsibilities cause he works the night shift and day shift on the weekends. I have a 14 and 18 year old I have gotten used to getting off work and doing my own thing now I'm in a permanent babysitting job. Suppose I wasn't around where would she go? He let's her do what she wants when he is around. I'm sorry but she is annoying.. too many questions and he answers all of them even if she over heard us talking about something she chimes in and he answers her.. like huh? It's just hard knowing that I have to do so much for this little girl who has 2 parents when all he has to do is give me money for mine. I have to make sure she eats takes a bath school clothes ready for the next day homework..etc..  WTF??? I did not sign up to be her mom.. I don't mind helping him out but damn..everything??? But then I'm not involved in decisions or school activities. Him and the BM Are cordial so they speak nice with each other and unless I ask what's going on I am not involved.. but it's too late now too much toed into the relationship to leave now...ill be making a post to vent for real.... this was the too of the  iceberg of the issues..*shok*

corey.perkins's picture

Hi Charmaigne,

I understand your anxiety. My gf lives with me now and she has her two kids every other week and every other Wednesday. We have one child together, he is very young, not quite a year old yet. Her two children show up and they aren't bad at all. They can be loving and will mind when corrected. I've even started to care about them somewhat. However, the constant change week to week unsettles me everytime they show up. They come back from their Dad's on Sunday mornings. Sunday used to be my favorite day of the week, and it still is when they leave on the weeks they go to his house. However, on those Sunday's they return I tend to spend more time outside and away from the family because while they are not bad kids, they are so damn annoying. Extremely annoying! I've never seen two children who cannot entertain themselves for a single minute. They are constantly talking and standing in the way, keep in mind I was not raised this way. I was raised that children were children, go play, stay out of the kitchen, finding something to do! The youngest is the biggest baby I've ever seen, he is six and acts like three or four, it's pathetic. He is also terrible to his mother at times, unless I am around. I foresee him getting his tail kicked in school a lot. The oldest is lazy and drops things all over the places, constantly just leaves stuff laying here and there, and couldn't find the GoodYear blimp if it was sitting in my backyard. Their room is never what I would call clean, it's usually strolled and kinda embarrassing so I keep the door shut.

All-in-all, I don't hate these children, I actually feel a bit sorry for them. However, I am not sure my anxiety will allow the relationship to go much further. I've agreed to counseling, but I really just want them in my house much, much, much less.

I think eventually they will cost us the relationship, which is quite sad because we do care about each other.  I have had step-children before, but I raised them from babies so they always felt like my own. Gaining step-children when they are a bit older is not very much fun at all. I would recommend NOT getting into a relationship at 40 if the other person has kids involved and you are not really a kid person.

You, like myself, will probably have to make a decision sooner or later to make yourself happy.

Good day!


Pixie Lara's picture

Hi Corey,

It does not get better, right? I keep on telling myself it is not my BF’s fault and I do really love him. But his kids suck and he says I am negative. They are so needy and immature for their age. I have my own kids who of course are not perfect but it not my fault that his ex wife does not care about the kids and chooses not to educate them. He just compensates whatever guilt he must be having when he is with them. It is a nightmare! 


NycHappiness's picture

hi, I’m very upset now because I am in a similar situation. I have an 8 year old step daughter with a very toxic, obnoxious, and ungracious attitude. We have her every other week for 7 days straight and I do almost everything for her. She complains and whines about everything and she says the most nasty things to me and her 3 year old half brother. I tried talking to my partner about it but he does nothing to discipline her. He only knows how to say, “She is just a child”. Her biological mother used to be an employee of my partner- she told him she was on the pill but lied about it. Hence, the daughter was born. But he decided to be a responsible father and stayed to take care of his daughter. It is a very toxic situation for my son. There’s no happiness in the house because SD is always jealous about every little thing and throws violent tantrums. She is so disrespectful. The most annoying thing is, my partner pawns her off to me when he’s working from home so I’m stuck with her! When I tell him it’s not my responsibility he completely flips out. I need help! 

lunamaze's picture

You do realize you have to sympathize with the child as well. Her mother and father has split up when she is at such a young age for christ's sake. If you're putting all the blame on her maybe you should question if you're the problem. Try having one on one time with her, be patient. Do not blame the child.

Rags's picture

Regardless of the circumstance of a kid's parents break up, their behavioral choices are their own.  Sympany is useless in effectively ending crappy behavior. Zero tolerance and full and immediate confrontation of crappy behavioral choices should apply... regardless of what whiney bullshit a kid may be using as an excuse for their crappy behavioral choices.

The only person to blame for a crappy behavioral choice is the person making that choice.  Regardless of how old they are.  There are no viable reasons for a behavioral choice, there are nothing but excuses which are a waste of time and effort for anyone to listen to.  Effective parents do not tolerate excuses. They raise kids to make quality choices in behavior and performance and while they may empathize with the struggles of growing up, they do no sympathize with an ill behaved kid.

IMHO of course.

prpldimond34's picture

I just found this site so i'm new here. it's a long shot but was wondering how this situation is now? i'm currently in this exact position. my husband has 2 kids g/5 and b/3 and omg it's only been 2 years and i hate it when they are over. i just had a baby and she's 5 months and i resent the stepkids so much because when they are here, my husband feels like he has to make it up to them and spend every second of the time with them. so i'm left to tend my 5 month old alone. I'm just thankful my 10 year old is so amazing and loving.
ss/3, he's intolerable! he's aggressive, fights, always yells "NO", doesn't respond to positive reinforcement, spanking, time outs or talking. he hits us and spits at us and my husband can't control him. his mother is a child psychologist so she knows everything. and everyone thinks the answer to him behaving is putting him in sports, which i think is total b.s. because he has huge anger issues. so yeah... i'm tired. Sad Hopefully you're still here to update me on your story.

madaf2017's picture

My husband has a 9 and 6 year old. The girl is 9 and she’s not horrible but the boy is so immature, angry, annoying, and just ridiculous. My kids are older and never behaved like this. I legitimately cringe every time I hear that kid. His mother is nuts so we have them all the time. I don’t know how people make it through this. I get stuck “babysitting” all the time too. And that’s no easy task. Reading about how everyone else here deals with similar stuff is great. Besides booze, how do you overcome? 

mcguiretvm's picture

I am so glad I found this site.  We have been together for two years.  My boyfriends three daughters aged 21, 19, 13 and sometimes his ex-wife's other daughter that she had by someone else after they divorced. I have a nine year old daughter.  It's been tough going from one to having five girls in the house.  Especially the oldest two. My assumption was that the older two would be out living life.  Instead they are at our house every weekend plopped on the couch.  I take refuge in my room most of the time or find an excuse to get out of the house.  When they leave its always so much to clean up and I can never keep any snacks in the house.  I have resulted to grocery shopping on Sundays when they leave.  Seeing these other posts lets me know that I am not alone.  

leelou23's picture

Hi!!!  Reading your post helped me.......I don't understand the older kids being such lazy immature wotsits i really don't...i have a 16 nearly 17 SD and shes the same.....turns her mates down as shes "at her dads" ..sits on her ass all wknd like she has no legs....very strange...not like I was...or my peers...maybe that generation have less fire....they need a kick up their asses...made to grow up...but then i look at her now ex (couldnt cope with the overall lazy immature crap,  he's the same...its a "iv been at work/school all week so thats it....i cleaned and did everything when at his come home to my 3 and start again......we are expected to do all.....then they are shocked when we leave?

Martianinthecity's picture

As a stepmom I constantly beat myself up for my dislike of my stepson and feel like there is something wrong with me because I am a woman and suppose to be maternal. I love my husband but it’s clear that we have vastly different ideas about parenting. We do not have a biological child together so his stepson is an only child that spends half the week with us and half with his BM. My stepson is not a bad kid but he is 10 and so needy, unaware, and lazy it drives me crazy. My husband has guilt about not seeing his child every day so he lets a lot slide. I mean my SS is ten and whines for my husband to tie his shoes. He doesn’t clean up after himself unless directed step by step in what to do and then gets whinny. His BM is just into herself and lazy as well so does not have any expectations that he be responsible for himself even when it comes to bathing! He’s 10 and his body is maturing quickly but he will come to our house not having bathed once and his BM will say things about it being more natural not to shower. We live in a condo in a major city so there is not a lot of space. My SS will walk around with his iPad blasting whatever he’s listening to with no regard for anyone else. My husband and I will be in the middle of a conversation the first time with see each other in the evening and my SS will just interject “Dad, dad, dad, play with me.” My SS is so lazy he wanted milk but there were no small milk boxes so he whines about need my husband to pour if for him because he didn’t want to lift the jug. I don’t know. It’s a million little things that add up and drive me crazy and make me dread the 2nd half of the week when I feel like a weird roommate to my husband and SS.   I guess reading these posts made me feel like maybe I’m not alone and maybe I’m not totally evil for feeling and thinking these things. 

parkers_mom's picture

It's like you and I are leading the same life. Down to the age, laziness, EVEN THE MILK THING! Why are they like this??? Your post honestly made me laugh a little because I literally know exactly how you feel. I feel even worse because none of these things about my stepson bothered me that much before I had my actual son 7 months ago. Something in me just changed I guess and I feel so guilty about it. The worst thing about mine is the temper tantrum meltdowns he has. He is almost ELEVEN and I swear I was never allowed to behave this way as a child. My infant son literally doesn't cry as much as this kid does. Tonight his dad had to discipline him because he wasn't cleaning himself when he was in the shower. He was literally in there playing with toys. An entire meltdown ensued, to the point of where I was worried that his screaming and crying was going to wake my son up. I try and tell my BF that these episodes are not normal and they will not be continued to be allowed because I don't want our son growing up thinking this type of behavior is okay. My SS uses tears to get out of EVERYTHING. Especially because it has worked in the past. Reading all of these blog posts makes me simultaneously thankful and scared. I'm worried that these things will only get worse with time, he's almost a teenager. 

JIDK27's picture

It's so weird how so many of these posts are exactly the same... the father allows the worst, most intolerable behavior. He neglects his duties as a parent and husband/partner when his bio child(ren) are around. I just don't get it. I am sad because I'm unhappy every single other weekend, and the weeks he spends with us, I feel such rage for everything that goes on. There seems to be zero middle ground, either. I don't get the unwillingness to parent for the sake of the child, or to show them a healthy adult bond. They're already traumatized through whatever their situation is with their parents, but it's even worse that they come into a situation where their parents are sacrificing an otherwise healthy relationship to coddle children into becoming sociopaths. Everything this kid does annoys the living shit out of me. It's all unacceptable behavior for my children, but perfectly acceptable for his child? F that. I have to focus on getting my children, and I, OUT. If I'd known he was this bad at parenting, there would be no us now, but he made great effort to be a good, reliable, disciplined parent until we were here. What a mistake I made not really giving it more time. I know now that in the future, if there's a child in the picture, to give it actual time... perhaps years, before moving in and making life permanent. I gave it 1.5 years, and still never saw this side of him as a parent. It's sick and twisted, and I see why there are so many screwed up people in the world these days. 

angelface13's picture

Been hating myself for the past 3 years because I hate my Skids. I thought Ì was the only "horrible" person for feeling the way I do. I just would like to know what you do to cope with all these negative feelings inside. Do you share it with your spouse or keep quiet and explode every now and then? All these feelings consume most of my time and hate feeling this way. I wish I never had to feel this way but wish the one Skid can just dissapear. She is a problem child causing problem every where she goes. Lies, manipulates and get her way with everything. So sick and tired of this 18year old.

Rags's picture

Whatever you do, do not share how you feel about his kids with your spouse.  Address the inappropriate age deficient behaviors and discuss those but not tell  your spouse that you cannot stand his kid(s).

Carrieanne's picture

I have 3 Skids FULLTIME!!!!!!! All three are girls and suck. I fucking hate them, I hate my husband, and I have grown to hate my life. I cry everyday. Long story short, their bio mom dumped em on us five years ago and flew the coop. My husband and I have two bio kids together. I ducking cringe if they even are near my kids. In the last five years, they have done unimaginable awful things. I'm finally to a point where if I leave w my kids and have to visit their dad and sisters (19,18,14) then they can tell me if they are mistreated in any way. I'm soooooo fucking done w this shit. I will never date or marry again. 

prpldimond34's picture

I just found this site so i'm new here. it's a long shot but was wondering how this situation is now? i'm currently in this exact position. my husband has 2 kids g/5 and b/3 and omg it's only been 2 years and i hate it when they are over. i just had a baby and she's 5 months and i resent the stepkids so much because when they are here, my husband feels like he has to make it up to them and spend every second of the time with them. so i'm left to tend my 5 month old alone. I'm just thankful my 10 year old is so amazing and loving.
ss/3, he's intolerable! he's aggressive, fights, always yells "NO", doesn't respond to positive reinforcement, spanking, time outs or talking. he hits us and spits at us and my husband can't control him. his mother is a child psychologist so she knows everything. and everyone thinks the answer to him behaving is putting him in sports, which i think is total b.s. because he has huge anger issues. so yeah... i'm tired. Sad Hopefully you're still here to update me on your story.

Kytrb71's picture

Run hard run fast run far. It will not get better with time. I'm 10 years into a marriage and the SD situation has gone from bad to worse steadily. Daddy's will always always baby the kids esp girls..... even when she lies outright and does drugs. 

Rags's picture

Leave now.  Take your daughter and get out of the state.  Protect your children fro this shallow and polluted gene pool.  Get out before the baby is born so you can control the first 18 years of the interface between your baby and that train wreck of a gene pool.

What the hell were you thinking having a baby with this shitshow of a father?

Rags's picture

Time for the living Excel spreadsheet list.

One page for the violent cat killer and one page for the other step spawn. Keep a running list of their behavioral bullshit and every time your hopefully STBXW jumps your shit for disengaging and blames you for the evil bullshit behavior of her toxic spawn send her the latest list update with a short note.

"So, which of these issues is my fault exactly?"

Were I you I would cheer "Good riddance" to putting both this woman and her toxic spawn behind you and move on with life. If you choose to go back I would suggest that it be on the absolute condition that your bride does exactly what you instruct her to do when you instruct her to do it and that there be a large paddle with holes drilled in it to apply to bare toxic teen ass at even the slightest deviation from very clearly defined behavioral rules.

It is sad that this woman blames you for her abject failure as a parent and the toxic idiots that she has created.

Take care of yourself.

Nykole's picture

I can totally relate, unfortunately. My SD, 7 years old, has been incredibly cruel to animals since she was 2 (probably before, but that's when I came into the picture.)Long story short, her Dad, also the father to her youngest 2 siblings wasn't the most present father, so his mother had SD from the time she was 6 mos until she was 4, when he finally got his crap together. (mother is a worthless scab)monster had been created. Grandmother instilled ZERO rules, boundaries and exercised NO disciplinary actions. This child is the only child in the universe exempt from the word "No". Grandma also believes that redirecting this child in ANY way, even if it's to stop her from pulling her 3 year old brother's feeding tube out should be a capitol punishment. Fast forward 4 years, and this child is now failing the 1st grade, she can not read, can not copy words onto paper, and can hardly identify all of the ABC's. I do not know how she was promoted to the 1st grade. I have diligently, albeit reluctantly spent many, MANY hopeless hours working with this child, only to have her stare at me like she could shoot lasers out of her eyes to combust me into flames. She has been caught EVERY single day stealing from other students, destroying the object she has stolen, and then lying with scary capability about NOT having done anything wrong, although she had been caught red handed. She is mean and physical with her peers, and vindictive and spiteful to her teacher (as well as any adult who has some level of authority over her). I don't know what kind of state you're in, having separated from the situation you were in, but I certainly hope that if nothing else, you've found some sense of relief. There is NOTHING worse than an adult instilling and reinforcing a child to believe they should never have to accept any sense of accountability. It's disgusting. If these kids are THIS BAD now, how are they going to function in a society where accountability is everything, unless you live inside prison walls? I understand My husband is much to blame for not being "all in" until SD turned 3, but even since we've had her the damage of teaching her that she is flawless no matter what she does, and everything that she does is OK no matter how bad it is is irreparable. That's why it makes it all the more shocking that the MOTHER of these kids in your situation is the one who constantly turns the other cheek and expects YOU to function fine amongst the chaos. If the situation were reversed and YOU had the kids that behaved that way, I'm sure she would "hide away" too.

Java_Junkie's picture

I have it way easier than you did, and I still can identify with the "taking a time out" in the bedroom. DW's kids can be bratty as Hell and they tend to make odd noises ALL. THE. TIME. SD13 seems to think that as long as she's exhaling, she has to have the vocal cords engaged. Constant noise, and always rudely interrupting us. She is very entitled and just *takes* her mom's iPad or iPhone to use whenever she wants... her son, 14, does much of the same thing. They are beyond annoying, and sometimes, I am overwhelmed.
Imagine trying to watch a movie...
SD starts babbling out loud to one of the dogs, riling it up to get it to start growling (which she thinks is funny)...
SS starts telling DW about sports scores or weather or something that has nothing to do with movie time...
DW sees me grimacing as I'm trying to listen to the movie dialogue and thinks I've got a problem.

Some days, ya just gotta get away from all that junk.

Pixie Lara's picture

I hear you Java!

Are we like this because they are just not our kids? I just can’t stand how I feel constantly irritated around his kids. He accepts my kids and just presumes I will accept his. My kids don’t make weird noises all the time (I hear you on that one!!) and if they do stuff I don’t like, I can actually tell them. If I say anything to his kids, he gets super defensive. The whole situation sucks! The more I hide out and try to ignore it, the more it seems to still be there, screaming at me loud and clear. He says I am negative but I never thought it could be this hard...


Java_Junkie's picture

For what it's worth...

You responded to my post from February, and things have improved. Still not great, but it has taken some gentle pressure from me, to get DW to KEEP some gentle pressure on her kids, and to give them time to be aware of their antics - and notice how annoying it is, sufficiently to WANT to change. I swear, as 9th graders, they see 7th and 8th graders and how immature and annoying THEY are, to notice how annoying they, themselves, are being. Truly, a case where peer pressure of your fellow classmen will condition you to want to fit in with the upperclassmen. Social order actually can be a good thing!

ChaH1016's picture

What is it with the noises!! Is it a trait that automatically kicks in once a kid becomes a step kid!! My ss6 has been doing it for 5 years!! 5 years of constant noise streaming from his annoying little mouth! And now it's whistling! Just shut up!!! 
I went to hide in my bedroom as I do on a Friday night when ss is over and he fell asleep on the couch so when his dad got out of his 45min shower he came in to bitch me out for not realising he had fallen asleep on the lounge.. wtf it's not like he fell asleep on the driveway!!

notthemomyouseek's picture

Falling asleep on the couch is totally not even a big deal. His dad needs to get over it and put his own dang kid to bed. 

What is it with men taking long ass showers? My H takes 30-40 minute showers, and I am always wondering WTF! I am a very clean person, sometimes I have to shave, wash my hair and other shower duties and still I am no more than 20 minutes. It's crazy. 

K.b1312's picture

Me and my husband have been married for about 16 months now. We've been together 4 years. He has a son who's 4. I think he was about 4 mo.the old when we met. When his ex found put we were together she stopped access to his son. He went to court twice to get access and I stood by him every single step of the way. Fast forward 3 years and we're married and.I'm pregnant. I start staying in bed until he goes home or I spend all the time in my bedroom. he o my has to mention his name and I feel like throwing up in my mouth. I, howeverhave addressed this situation with my husband and told him I actually hate his child. I make no secret that he's a little brat and how much he annoys me. The first 3 years we were together I tolerated him and made an effort, an effort I wouldn't even make with my own kids. I have 2 girls now 12 and 8. They were 8 and 4 when we first met. About 2 years after we met, we'd moved in together and he would take my girls to and from school and lookafter then while I was at work (his offering) one day out of the blue he texts me and tells me how much my kids annoy him. He even sent me screenshots of this forum. I was stupid enough to work with him. I admit my kids were a tad annoying. My youngest had a love relationship with food and was constantly asking for food. Which I worked hard to change her. I only worked with him because he would look after the girls when I was in work. My children are not perfect but they know respect and manners. They know how things should be treated and how people should be treated. His runt has no form of.manners, discipline, respect.  Me and my husband have regular arguments because when his child is here I run to the bedroom and avoid him as much as possible. He's always ill, coughing, sneezing and spluttering everywhere. Never covers his mouth and never washes his hands. He's fowl and disgusting. We have him 2 nights a week and those 2 nights a week I want to leave my husband because I cannot tolerate his child. His ex gf is always asking for favours from my husband regarding their son. And I always and okay 'why do you do her favours? When she made you go to court twice?' Those periods were really hard for us and took a toll on our relationship. We broke up a few times. I hate his child so much I really don't know how to move forward as a family. He knows I dislike him and when he's here I make sure my husband takes hin out and away from me.

BT16's picture

I completely agree. Why do I always feel like the third wheel and/or that I am walking on egg shells around my SD? I hibernate in my room and miss out on time with my own kids because my SD makes me uncomfortable in my own house. Sucks!

doublell's picture

I'm so glad I read this...I'm always being told all of my feelings are just ME! I do the hibernate in the bedroom thing too. My stepdaughter is very immature for her age, nosey, hangs all over her father, (she is 15). When anyone says anything in another room she automatically asks what we're talking about...everytime...

hulagirl31788's picture

I know all too well the cutting into conversations bit. There is literally no conversation that my SD doesn't cut into and interrupt. I just started ignoring all conversation interruptions. Telling kids not to interrupt doesn't work so just flat out act like you don't hear them and don't acknowledge them until your done speaking.doesn't make it less annoying but it does make a point.

Charmaigne's picture

I hide too

Carrieanne's picture

Been hiding in my room and raised two kids in it for the past 5 years because my husbands kids were dumped on us five years ago. Fml.

MrsCancer1973's picture

Its TRULY messed up that we have to do this - IN OUR OWN HOUSE - just to get away from the asshole SKs

heafle79's picture

I sit in my room every night. I gave my step son 7 hours alone with hid dad hoping I could in return have five f###ing minutes with my husband alone. Three days later still he is right up his a## and I'm alone. By the way this kid is 17 years old !! I can't even sleep naked cuz he has to come in and say good night to his daddy every night like he's five. I'm sorry not normal for his age to hug and kiss daddy. Advice to women not married to these men RUN it never gets eaiser. Drinking not enough to help ...

Pixie Lara's picture

Makes complete sense! I also keep on telling my BF, if they are this needy at 10 and 7, imagine them at teenagers? No thanks!!

Pippypoppy10's picture

I can totally relate to this! My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. He has full custody of his 7 year old son. In the beginning it was okay... but now I resent his son more than ever. It has only got worse and never better. His son is SO NEEDY. He's always hugging and kissing on my boyfriend. He is not independent at all. He can't open the car door, put himself to bed, turn on the tv, get himself a glass of water, tie his shoes, NOTHING a normal kid does. He is so lazy and only wants his "daddy" to do everything for him. He talks back to his dad and me. He cries and whines like a little freaking 1 year old. He's so abnoxious and annoying. I can NOT stand his son. He has told me "this is OUR house. Not your house." He always puts me down and makes me feel left out and only him and his dad are together forever type of thing. He's crying and whining as we speak. He goes off with his mom every weekend. THANK GOD!! I wish she had him all the time period. But she's bat crazy. My boyfriend is babying him as we speak. I can not take it any more, but I love my boyfriend so much. My boyfriend tells me he feels like he has to choose between me and his son. I hide in the bedroom when he's here, like I'm doing right now, because I can not stand the sound of his voice or his presence. I am kind of at a loss of what to do. This kid can't even turn on the light switch without saying "daddy, I can't turn the light on" wah wah wah wah

heafle79's picture

I sit in my room every night. I gave my step son 7 hours alone with hid dad hoping I could in return have five f###ing minutes with my husband alone. Three days later still he is right up his a## and I'm alone. By the way this kid is 17 years old !! I can't even sleep naked cuz he has to come in and say good night to his daddy every night like he's five. I'm sorry not normal for his age to hug and kiss daddy. Advice to women not married to these men RUN it never gets eaiser. Drinking not enough to help ...

Stepmomalso's picture

Omg until I saw this forum I thought it was just me. I want to leave my partner just to get away from these crappy kids. They are terrible too. Liars, causing problems. I am so sick of them. The only thing that keeps me here is the fact that our daughter loves her dad and her siblings. But frankly i can’t stand them. All they do is cause problems and issues. They are the worst. 

Lostconfused75's picture

I just recently found this post and THANK GOODNESS!! My S/O has me feeling as if I'm the most horrible person in the world because I can't seem to accept his kids as my own. We've been together for 2 years. I've known them for maybe a year and a half of it. He has accepted mine but he has never had to deal with her leaving and coming back and he doesn't have to deal with her father because he's never been in the picture. I on the other hand, have to deal with his horrible nasty ex wife. She has been extremely nasty towards me since the first time i met the kids. She constantly knocks me and talks badly about me to the kids. She even punished my S/O daughter for having a good time a jokingly calling me "mom" once. I've constantly tried to be nice to her but she's just pure evil. I would think you would want your kids to be happy and actually like the step parent instead of being miserable every time they have to go. Or maybe that's just me? He only gets his kids once a month sometimes more if the ex decides she wants some free time. Let me just say, it's EXTREMELY hard to build a relationship with anybody when you only see them here and there. During the 3 days they are there it takes me almost until the time they are about to leave for me to finally be like okay they are alright or maybe it's just the fact that I know they are leaving and I can go back to my normal routine and relax. My anxiety shoots through the roof and I instantly go from happy to angry and miserable. I've tried talking to my S/O several times because he can see my mood change and knows somethings up (I'm not good at hiding my emotions). It's not that the kids are bad or anything, they are just EXTREMLY freaking loud and annoying. They literally have only one tone voice, and that's EXTRA LOUD! I'm used to pretty calm and quiet so when they are here I have a constant headache. Maybe my patience and tolerance for it is just extremely low because they aren't my own blood kids?? I really don't know why and can't seem to explain why I get this way. But I can't seem to shake it for the life of me and i feel like eventually it's going to tear us apart. That's the last thing I want but i know me not accepting his kids will eventually be a deal breaker specially because he gets so angry at me and keeps pushing me to bond with them. He needs to step back and let me do it at my own pace even if it takes many years. I think their BM being so evil and against me constantly telling me I'm not allowed to parent them in any way and always saying I'll never be their "step mom" and everything other negative thing she's said since the beginning also plays a huge part. I just wish my S/O would be more understanding because apparently this is less rare then I thought. Also, we just recently had our own baby together and I am EXTREMELY territorial of him when his kids come over. I know it's their half brother but I don't want to share him with them AT ALL. I cringe when they try and hug on him or talk to him. His kids are 6 and 4 and they always want to hold him because my 9 yr old does. I don't want them to hold him what so ever. They are way too little to me and i just don't trust them. You think I would be excited that they are happy to have a new brother even if it's not with their mommy but I absolutely am not. I try and hide out in the room as much as possible just to avoid them and keep my son to myself but it sucks because then I lose out on time with my daughter. It really isn't fair to have to feel like a guest in my OWN HOME!! I hope one day I can figure it out but for now I just can't accept them >:(

Party_of_6's picture

Hi! I barely discovered this site so I'm learning my way around. I needed a safe place to let loose! I hibernate every other weekend. We get them a few other days but I can take my husband's parenting out of guilt so the kids get away with everything. It kills me and has caused so many fights. Ugh! 

Rbm2020's picture

You are so lucky you sc only visit, I'm stuck living with kine all the time. My husband has primary custody, and the mother lives a few states away. My bedroom and daughters nursery have become safe zones.

Opioded99's picture

I agree I hate hiding out!! But, that is my choice better than being a brat which I wish it could do!! Lol

Miss-Step's picture

NC Stepmom, your feelings sound normal to me. I have spent my share of time hibernating in my bedroom when 3-skids and 1 BD lived under one roof (full-time, BM deceased). Spoiledbratagain is correct, let DH be the mom. Unfortunately, it is their little quirks that are irritating you, but they are individuals and you just have to put up with them. They may all be feeling a little sense of loss of some sort - hence the immature behaviors to seek attention and getting it from the father, (whom I assume they don't live with full time...?) If they live with BM, they may not be getting all the attention they need and missing father?? (again, just guessing - don't know the story...)

But, while skids are in your home, you and DH make the rules to however you want things to be handled - rule-wise. If they are living up to those 'house rules' - and it is just annoying personalities, while I feel for you (and understand), it is just good that you can vent here about it. Just try to keep an even keel an dif you feeling 'annoyed' - step away.

You could discuss with DH and then have a family meeting with all to let them (and yourself) share how they are feeling about things. (I'm sure it is odd for them too). Just a suggestion. You are validated in your "Cringe"

Mrsbmckee's picture

OMG 4 skids! Thats awful!!! I can't stand my skids coming over and I am mean to my husband about it. I have been taking some Xanax before they come over to help calm me down and it really seems to help.

jneill72's picture

I may take that advice. I need to do something to make it through, although the skids live with us...
Oh, God help me!!!

almostwickedSM's picture

I am terrified that one or both of my future skids will ask to come live with their dad. I have a strong feeling that will be the final straw on this camel's back. I can barely tolerate having them here when they are here just for a weekend or random day now and then. God Bless You!

ChaH1016's picture

I feel your pain. My SS is with us every single weekend! And his mum is a piece of s***. Then a few days ago my partner said if he keeps doing these hours at work he will be able to take SS full time. I swear a piece of my soul died at the mere mention of it.

devastated's picture

Amen to the bottle...problem for me is my skids are here 24/7 365 a year. Almost ready to go into residential treatment myself just to get a break.

Pixie Lara's picture

Right?! We went on a 2 week “family” holiday. I have never been so miserable in my life! 

Casey Summers's picture

lol, same here! I drink wine the weekends they are here. Unfortunately it makes all of the suppressed anger over what those kids and the BM did to me I just lash out at my husband and hurl insults about his poor choice in a mother for his kids, how his kids are going to be trash like her and how much I hate them. So, I can't even risk having the one thing I lean on when they are over bc my true feelings tend to come out.

LooneyBird's picture

Wink I've had my fair share of staying in my bedroom, drinking myself into a stupor, & I'm taking a prescription also.
This week hubby & I are trying a self created "reset button". When the skids come, including the 27 yr old "boy", we are reestablishing our homes ground rules. IF the ex will stay out of our time, things should go smoother than in the past.
Remember, we are the grown ups even though our nerves are causing a physical reaction to our body. Like stomach tremors, uncontrollable outbursts of anger (we're mad, but can't get the point across).
If us stepparents allow these little brats to disrespect us, they surely will!
Stay strong & believe in yourself. Your home is your place of refuge. Protect that.
Now, I'll see if I can do the same.

AA0708's picture

OMG mine live with me full time both bm and mil are both from hell too!!!! Sk eat almost everything want us to buy them stuff all the time. The one put poop all over the bathroom. The other is always telling mil and bm stuff about me and my kids.

ChaH1016's picture

I have a seperate cupboard up high just to hide food for me and DS just so SS doesn't eat all our food!! So far he has stayed out of it..

OMG_Why_Me's picture

I too find myself hiding in my bedroom to get away from SD (15) and SS (11). SD particularly drives me crazy. She is so incredibly spoiled. Our vacations are planned around her every year because she has so many activities. she is flying to Florida after her weekend stuff and is complaining that she has to wait a few extra hours because the airfare is less. We're even keeping my 20 YO son home to fly with her because she won't fly alone. My 22 YO BD wants to fly back a day early to go to one of her best friends weddings and I'm told by my husband that she should have to pay for the flight herself. We can fly two people to vacation for his daugher but my daughter has to pay for everything herself because she's older. The only reason we picked the week we did was to accomodate his daughter. I feel if we do for one we should do for all of them.

SS has ADHD that isn't well controlled yet. He can't seem to sit still on a couch, he's contantly kicking people jumping around the room and screaming to talk. Dad constantly forgets to give him his medicine. It's always me.

Neither SK will take a shower regularly or brush their teeth. I am the one who is constantly reminding them to take better care of themselves. Dad just sits and plays his video games and ignors the bad behavior. He hates conflict (as we all do) so he just pretends its' not happening.

I'll cook dinner, then do the dishes and clean up after all of them. When I'm done and can finally sit down in the living room to relax, they're all spread out over the furniture and there's no room for back in the bedroom I go. I'm ignored by them, cook and clean for them and then expected to just go away until they need me again.

when DH and I have a few mintues to actually try and talk about something, his children are constantly interrupting the conversation. talking over me and ignoring that fact that I was talking. DH will answer them and respond to them regardless of what they want to talk about. If it was an emergency or something I would understand but they interrupt just to control the conversation and he lets them.

I know it sounds aweful to feel this way but I just don't like these kids, and it's creating a terrible wedge between me and my husband. I've never felt this way about children. Everyone that meets them comments to me about how bad and rude they are. Even their own adult cousin doesn't like them. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to loose their father, but I can't stand being around them. PLEASE HELP!

Express's picture

I hide away as well. The boy is 5 and yet it acts like a girl. when i hear they are coming i want to run for the hills. The little rodents always want things. all i hear is "are you gonna buy me this" UUUUH NO go back home rodents and and your mother to buy it. Husband and I have just had our own baby together and with me not liking his brats makes it harder on our relationship. I can't stand them and I wish they would never darken our doorstep again. I've tried to bond with the boy and the girl but i just cant and i dont want them near my new baby. they are always sick as well

mylena8's picture

I'm always hiding!!!!!!
I'm so glad to find this website. I have a new baby (well 7months now) and I thought I would ease up with having my boyfriend and his daughter around my baby! But I can't! When his daughter (6 years old) is not with us I'm fine/happy! And I'm fine with him near our daughter. But as soon as Wednesday comes my mood switches like a light switch! He even comments on it and there has been numerous times when I just have to leave. I say things under my breath which causes him to scream at me. I just can't stand the brat of his. She's whiny, needy, clingy, wants everything but has absolutely no manners, expects me to buy her things yet always tells me no when I try to get her to do her homework to take a bath or eat the scrumptious dinner I provide! Her own mom doesn't care to bathe the damn kid and I'm doing everything but get no respect. Her father (my boyfriend) only babies her when she gives me a rough time. I throw my hands up! I want to be with this man but I can't be expected to do for this kid but have zero parental rights I.e. punishment for bratty behavior. I'm done. I'm still here because we have a baby together but I will not put his brat before my baby! His little girl even said my baby was "annoying" her!!! I had to walk away before I really said something they wouldn't like and yet my boyfriend yelled at me for walking away! It's a lose/lose! He even screamed at me the other morning waking my baby up! Because he waited until the last minute to wake his daughter for school and expected me to do it! So I got up and tried and the brat threw a fit over wanting different cereal then because she wanted to watch cartoons etc. etc. my boyfriend only babied her which caused me to just walk away! I didn't want to leave my baby in the room to deal with that! So he yelled and screamed and I was so fed up with getting yelled at that I told him he's not my family and that girl is not my family my baby is all my family! He had the nerve to tell me that MY baby is not the world! Excuse me, she is MY world!

Nykole's picture

It feels and sounds like you took a page out of my book. My husband has a horrible 6 (very nearly 7) year old, and we have a 2 and 3 year old together. When my 3 year old son was born, he had (still has) several very serious congenital heart defects that required him to have a feeding pump installed into his stomach. As SOON as the horrible little monster set eyes on that baby, after she had been told "Don't touch the baby's stomach" she tried to rip his feeding port out. Fast forward 4 years, and she still attempts to do this at least once a week. I knew from the beginning that there was something deeply wrong with this child, almost a vacancy, but I hoped with time it would get better. I wish I could say it did, but it has not. I can totally relate to the husband expecting you to do for her too. I am expected to do EVERYTHING for this little ungrateful heathen, while he does nothing. Most times he thinks I should put the needs of my own children behind SD. I agree with you, not going to happen. This causes much tension and many fights. He feels as though he chose a poor mother for SD, I need to try TWICE as hard with her to make her feel secure. He says MY children already feel secure because they have a good mother, so it's on me to provide this little animal MORE love and affection to prove myself. I more or less told him to get bent.

8590's picture

I am so glad I found this site because I honestly felt like I was a bad person and the only person who felt this way. I hide and make excuses that I have to go to the grocery store or something, I just can't stand the SD9. She was "fine" at 5 but it started brewing closer to 6 (her manipulation, lies, etc.) and she is a nightmare at the age of 9. If she says the sky is blue, go check. Hubby says she can do no wrong. After 7 years of this crap, I can't wait to see what the next few years bring coming closer to teenage years and no discipline and also no friends. I thought I was the only one who hid. Apparently not! I honestly don't believe that if we had spouses who took on an active role instead of living with their head up their ass when it comes to their psychopathic kids (yes, psychopathic, because if an adult acted like they do, that is what they would be called), then things would be better but they are just as bad as their own offspring.

stepped-on-sm's picture

I know it sounds mean, but Ive been slowly disengaging.
I've left more & more stuff up to dad to provide and arrange, I let him know he needs to make arrangements; we have a color coded calendar in the dining room so everyone is aware of everyone else's schedule & appointments.
I only mention something once to him and if he doesn't follow through on getting what she needs & missing out, that is their problem not mine, yeah it sucks for SD but I'm no longer everyone's slave.
I recently made it be known if SD was going to skirt her responsibility in her kitchen duties I wouldn't be cooking dinner for them.
so far they havent died of starvation and I am cooking for myself meals I like.

Gsgw123's picture

I think you're right. His kid, therefore his problem to schedule and care for him or her. Too many guys leave this up to the step mom (and bio moms, too!). Why is it "disengaging" to take on the man's general level of child care responsibilities, anyway?

I like that you are not reacting, and just allowing your hubby to deal with the consequences of his inaction. Totally acceptable Smile

devastated's picture

You should not feel bad, I do the same with the SD but I am the other 3 kids (step son, BS and BD protector from SD so I have to engage when it comes to her bullying them. I do pretty good till I have had a shot or two of Crown Royal, then I am either sobbing in the bedroom or screaming in the woods attacking innocent trees.

memphismama's picture

Have to admit it - I abuse trees as well. My broom is a pitiful thing with duct tape all up the handle where I have broken it, but it is my silent witness to my pain and rage and I will not throw it away and get a new one. So thankful my own children are not here to witness the crap that keeps me mostly living in our bedroom and am trying to always remember that my isolation from the crazies gives me plenty of opportunity to read or talk with my girls who are in different cities. I wish I could drink, but am allergic to alcohol or something because it gives me migraines that last for days. I think there is definitely going to be a special place in heaven for all the stepmoms who have endured hell on earth. And I think we all stay out of love for the men we married. Sad that it comes to this, but until love runs out and it's over, I think alot of good women are sheltering this way. And I guess there are probably a few stepdad's too. I am praying for all of us. For peace, or for a drug that makes us forget and puts an agreeable smile on our faces!

On eggshells's picture

Omg. I abused trees just last weekend. I went out there with a kitchen knife and I beat the hell out of saplings trying to grow along the fence ... And for the same reasons.

On eggshells's picture

Omg. I abused trees just last weekend. I went out there with a kitchen knife and I beat the hell out of saplings trying to grow along the fence ... And for the same reasons.

Carrieanne's picture

Skids. 5yrs. FULLTIME. Girls. 19,18,14. Started w slight eye twitch, then drinking, to over exercising. Hide in bedroom. Now literally pull hair out. I even TOLD my husband how miserable and unhappy I am and that I hateeeeeee his daughters. He doesn't give a shhhhh. My mental health and over all happiness has plummeted. I ferking hate my life. I'm crying rn. I want OUT. 

Casey Summers's picture

I can't drink anymore because my true feelings come out. After a night of binge drinking, I told my husband I hated his rats. :jawdrop: So there goes my solace. Now I just scream and scream and scream when I'm alone. It's sad because they have done so much to me (and the bitch BM) that I literally went into a destructive rage and tore up all of the pictures my husband had of those kids. I hate them. They made my life hell and continue to treat me poorly.

Ambernicolerose's picture

I too have had to resort to drinking to be able to handle being around my SD she is 10 now and I can not stand the sight of her. My husband and I have been married for going on 3 years now. She lives with her BM and comes over every other weekend. I dread it every time that weekend comes around. This kid is so manipulative. She comes to our house with stories of why she does want to live with her BM anymore! My biggest fear is that the time will come when she will actually want to come live with us! I have told my husband that I am not comfortable around her at all! He just shrugs it off. I've even told him that if it did come down to her coming to live with him I would absolutely NOT stick around! I hate being this way but I know I could not be happy with her around all the time! This child is 10 years old and still pees all over herself and poos on herself! And just walks around all damn day with it on her! I have two children of my own also girls one is 14 and one is also 10 and neither of them poo or pee on themselves! I think it is disgusting! I have talked to her father my husband about this and he just babies her about it!!! She told him it's because she is lazy!!!! Lazy! Omg! If my childeren did that it would be a much bigger issue! Me and my husband fight constantly when the whole family is together! Me, my 3 girls one of which is his and then his daughter from previous marriage! He is constantly on my kids and picking at them but that's his like a princess and she can do absolutely no wrong! It makes me sick! I've resorted to hiding away in my bedroom also to get away from her! She comes and acts like she owns the place and can do whatever she wants to do! Takes over the couch and remote and her dad lets this happen! But God forbid one of my kids do that! They would get an earful from him my new husband! She gives her dad poor pitiful me stories about how her mom and step dad is so called "mean" to her and will get my husband on the phone fighting and arguing with them! She is a master manipulator! At 10! I can not even begin to think of what this will be like when she gets a little older. If she does in someway wiggle her way into my home I'm sorry I love my husband but I won't stay! I won't be miserable just so she can have her way!

esm for too long's picture

OMG_Why_Me - just an idea for something that works for me when my SD CONSTANTLY interrupts a conversation I'm having with my's a work in progress, but when we are talking, and she comes in and either starts saying "Daddy, daddy, daddy..." (I could scream at the top of my lungs of course) OR if she gets in his face to try and get him to look at her, if he breaks eye contact with me, even if it's to tell her to be quiet until we finish, I stop talking. When he finishes with her and says "What were you saying?" I say "Nothing important, obviously" and refuse to go back to the subject we were speaking about.

That might sound childish or vindictive, but it is gradually getting him to where he will either push her off him or put up his hand in her face, but continue to look at and listen to me. Sometimes he lapses, but I consistently respond the same way when he does. I figure eventually, he will either stop talking to me altogether when she's there or he will figure out that her behavior is truly a problem.

Casey Summers's picture

Ya his stupid kids are constantly interrupting me and talking over me. I hate them.

ann123's picture

My BF has a 19 year old son that does the 'But Dad, But Dad, But Dad' thing when I'm busy talking...  drives me crazy!  So disrespectful and ignores the fact that I'm in the room.  I know we have to be the 'bigger' people in this situation, but when the Dads don't do anything to 'adjust' their rude, disrepectful behaviour, our frustration develops into hate.  When my friend spoke to him the other day, he just turned and walked off, mid-conversation.  He is 19!!!  Haven't even tried to find a job and lives from his Dad's couch to his Mom's.  Luckily we don't live together yet, but I am seriously worried about how I'll manage it once we do...

The 16 YO Daughter is also just ignoring me and very disrespectful when I'm there.  If I cook dinner, they won't eat anything I made.  I love him dearly, but I think we're in for a bumpy ride and I wish I knew how to manage the situation...  I want a positive environment for my 13YO son, but they are also very rude to him.  We want to move in together in December, but honestly, I think our relationship will not make it.  I try to stay positive towards them, but it is extremely hard with this kind of behaviour.   

I don't know how to do this...

notsoevil's picture

Hiding...that's something I'm going to have to try this year. Until now, I've been fighting for everything, my place on the table, on the couch, respect of me, respect of our animals, respect of our things and the house, a clean house and oh, so much more.. and quite honestly, I'm getting tired.
The skids are here during the summer, some christmas's and Thanksgivings but I start to get panic attacks couple months before they come (for the summer). Just the thought of them being here puts me in a rage or a pissy mood.
I have 2 SDs, 9 and 11 YO. The 11 SD started her period last summer and the once dopey, but sweet child has turned into a back-talking, disrespectful little bitch. She blames me for things, which I had no or little part to do with, or gets in the middle of my and my partner's arguments, taking my partner's side while calling me a bitch. But what was even more insulting was the fact my partner welcomed her D taking her side. "Well what she said isn't a lie..."
I am a strong believer that the biological parent has the burden and responsibility to act as the mediator for the bonding of SM with skids. The relationship from the start is at a disadvantage. The SMs need all the help we can get to love the product of our spouse's fuck session with their ex. But my partner is too overwhelmed with the fact that she needs to compensate for lost times, can never be the bad person so she is so happy to take the meals, the clean clothes and the clean house I provide for them but will always point the finger right back at me when things get rough "It was HER idea". So in reality, even though I hate the kids, I hate my partner even more when the skids are here. It's her fault that I have this blazing rage inside of me when I think of those two fucking SDs.

Casey Summers's picture

I am going through the same thing. The SK won't talk to me unless they want me to buy them something, I cook, clean, give them rides and for what? To be treated poorly. I love my husband and don't want to lose him either but these kids and their cunt mom are a thorn in our marriage.

at whits end with ss's picture

I feel the same way you do but unfortunately ss8 lives with us and doesn't just come over for visits. Whats worse is that I work from home so this summer has been living hell. I have to live this little shit 24/7 while DH gets to escape to work all day long. I get in a bad mood and feel my blood boiling just looking at him. I am so scared that one day I will just loose it an end up in jail. I don't want this to be my future but DH is doing nothing to remedy the situation; he is all talk and no action Sad

mom2011's picture

I have this problem. I can't honestly say I have a valid reason for not liking my step daughter, and it bugs the crap out of me! I feel quilty, but I can't seem to change the way I feel. I tell myself to just put it away and try to be happy when she's visiting, but when I see her or hear her voice I just want to run away! I have been struggling a lot with it lately. My fiance has even asked me if I feel like she's an inconvenience, or if I even like her. Of course I lied to him. He wants to know why I'm not affectionate with her, or try to spend more time with her. And then he throws in there that she likes me so much and talks about me all the time. I am not mean to her because that would just be silly, but I don't go out of my way to touch her or be around her. I have 2 little girls of my own who are my entire world, and I do everything I can for them and of course hug and kiss them all the time. I just can't bring myself to like her. I feel terrible for it. I'm being pressured by him to be more involved but I have zero desire to. It's definitely a struggle! If someone on here ever figures out a good way to deal with this, please let me know. I've considered going to counseling because I'm afraid it's just going to get worse for me.

P.S. I could go on and on about this subject! It's comforting to hear that other people deal with this too.

fedup1's picture

Amen ladies...I have no desire to play "mother" to someone who I dislike either...

mimom3kids's picture

Wink I wasnt there when she was concieved - I have no interest in being there for her now! Might make me sound like a bad person, but I dont have a motherly instinct to a child that isnt my own!!!!

taylord9900's picture

It feels terrible to say this but it is 100% the way I feel. So glad I found other women who can relate!!!

young stepmommy's picture

I feel the exact same way, and it hurts and I feel guilty for it. I try to be happy and tell myself that I don't need to be angry but I am!

memphismama's picture

Sounds like fiance is trying to make you feel for and love the child to the degree he does, without that bond having a chance to occur naturally. My husband did this with my stepsons and me and it had the exact opposite effect. I am not sure why other people can't dictate how we feel about someone, but I don't know anyone who can just automatically duplicate feelings towards a child just because it would make someone else's life easier. And it does make you feel like crap and question yourself. And if he did that to the child she would most certainly feel as you do and pull away. Do not blame yourself, he is misguided and can't put the shoe on the other foot to see that this only makes things more tense. Sorry he's doing this - not fair to you or child. You are obviously a good and loving mother, so try to remember that he is wanting you to have his feelings, not yours. And that he wouldn't/couldn't do it if you asked it of him. And the more he tries to make you echo his exact feelings, the faster your sane mind will backpeddle. You are not terrible, only human! If we are to assume someone else's feelings, I think it's going to take some serious hypnosis at the very least! Smile

Zilla's picture

Hey Mom2011, I want you to know that I relate to what you are going thru. I have to pray a lot (I'm not religious but spiritually inclined)when my SD comes over. She's 14 and just annoys me terribly. I've gone to counseling and it helped. I also have done the Work by Bryon Katie over my feelings with her and that helped make a dent in my negative reaction to her. When she comes over, she ignores me - wont even acknowledge me upon arrival. My hubby, after counseling, is now being supportive of a handful of specific rules that she must abide when she comes over, one of them being that she says "hi" to me. I'm trying to see her side of it - I'm an interloper in her life just as much as I feel she is an interloper in mine. She adores her father and prolly thinks I've taken him away from her. In some ways, I feel like she takes him away from me with every phone call and visit. I have to kinda 'slap' myself and get my attitude straight about it. Why wouldnt he want to talk to his daughter? Why wouldnt she be just as important in his life as I am. I have a 17yr old son who is a real sweetheart (yes he is). I cant wait to talk to him several times a day on the phone or do things with him. The light for me is kind of being turned on that my hubby has every right and my SD has every right to want and have the same thing. I have many bad days when she comes over... still. I just try to keep my chin up and stay positive. If needed, I'll spend all day in my garden or doing things with my son or sister when she's visiting. I really dont understand the other ladies on this site who will put up with bad mouthing or bad behavior to the point that their house is over run. I'd run away - wouldnt matter how much I love my husband. If this is you ladies, run away!! If you are engaged to a relationship like this - run away!!! It will not change.

Trying really hard to ignore my inner bitch.

Ambernicolerose's picture

I know exactly how you feel! I've tried my best to be good step parent but I just absolutely can not stand the sight of my SD! My husband does the same thing about saying oh she likes you why don't you try to bond with her. I just can't do it! I'm not mean to her I just keep my distance! I've began to completely ignore her as much as I can now. My husband also ask me if his daughter was an inconvenience I lied also! The first time! After so long you won't be able to take it and I finally just told him I don't feel comfortable around her. We are still together he just doesn't talk about it anymore. Also his daughter wants to come live with us. Me and my husband have had many fights over this. I just told him the truth for my own sanity. I told him if she were to come live with him I would not stick around. Again we don't talk about it anymore. I have two other childeren from a previous marriage and one child with my current husband. My husband also treats my biological childeren different than he does his own. He treats them totally different but says he doesn't. It's a hard hard thing to deal with. If we don't make it in this marriage I will never ever date or marry another man with childeren! Good luck to you!

dont know what to do's picture

I'm the same way, skids got here last night and I tried so hard to be asleep before they got there...I just dread what is going to happen and how DH changes, he didn't come to bed until i woke up at midnight and found him in the garage playing with his iphone...normally we are in bed by 930 together! But skids come and my whole world is turned upside down therefore I blame them even tho it's really his fault. But I have no affection for them at all, I fake it the whole time. the day they arrive i start my count down to the day they leave...they weren't even there for 20 mins when I had to get onto them for playing and jumping in the house when I'm trying to sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mimom3kids's picture

Does your husband seem to start acting different when the step kids are around? I joke and say "oh, its SD weekend.. time for pancakes" any other time we dont have pancakes in our house!

iamlosingit's picture

OMG I thought my DH was the only one who did this!!! No lie, we almost never have eggs or pancakes or anything like that on our alone weekends but the second its a skid weekend we seem to turn into a Denny' makes me insane only because I KNOW BM doesn't do this. The last skid weekend we had DH has NEVER made one in the 7 years we have been together but that's what ss wanted. He even had to go out and buy all the ingredients because all we had was eggs. One weekend we had MIL and ss over all weekend...I snuck out to my car where I hide my "skid alcohol" and made myself a mimosa the size of my head. }:)

strugglingSM's picture

Mine, too. He becomes a short order cook when the kids are around. So much so, that when they were with us for a week over the summer, one of them had the nerve to complain that I didn't make him a full breakfast every morning. I wanted to say "does your mother ever make you breakfast?"

DH used to make me breakfast, when we were still dating and he was trying to impress me. Now, I'm lucky if he makes me a coffee when it's just the two of us. Sometimes, I ask him to make me breakfast and he whines that he doesn't want to. I'm like "seriously?! when your kids are around you make eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, cinnamon rolls..."

notsoevil's picture

so true. my partner acts differently when the skids are here, making them coming waaaay more difficult than need be. it's all really my partner's fault more than anybody's. but all the while, i'm the evil stepmother who has a heart of ice. the skids unfortunately get all the blame tho. but like you, my countdown begins the minute they arrive and my happiest day of the year is the day they leave.

an article that explains exactly why women don't like their skids: so true!

blendingnightmare's picture

I'm so relieved to see there are other women out there who feel the same way as I do. I think we are taught as woman that we are supposed to be nurturing and motherly to ALL children and it's so taboo to admit that these SK's kids are pissing us off. No one who isn't living in a blended family situation can understand how hard it is. My DH has FOUR kids who are with us every other week (7 days at a time) and sometimes more. They are between the ages of 12 and 7 (2 SDs and 2 SSs). The minute I hear his car pull into the garage with them in it, I am counting down the days until they leave. They all have a terrible speech impediment, which grates on my nerves, and they are total nerds on top of everything else. In public, people stare when we show up because they are so loud and sound like they have tube socks in their mouths. They have ZERO athletic ability, but continue to participate in a million sports where they get their token Participation Award for doing a shitty job. The SS7 was with my DH and I on a trip to Costco recently and I actually had a perfect stranger walk up to me and say "if that were my son, I would've slapped him" because of the way he was misbehaving. When DH found out what the person said, he was furious, insisting his son was being perfectly well behaved! He keeps them very sheltered so they are only allowed to watch Disney shows, therefore they are constantly behaving like Disney characters, which is also annoying as crap. I have an 18yo BS who has another year of high school left and while I'm sure he can be annoying, he is NOTHING compared to the 4 little brats that take over our house every other week! They don't flush toilets, I am constantly finding sh*tty underwear in their hampers, and their hygiene skills are horrid. My BS spends most of his time in his room avoiding them, much like I do when they are there. When they leave, my BS and I come out of hibernation. If I try to go do things alone with my BS, my DH gets jealous or thinks we are talking about him and his kids (which we usually are LOL). On top of everything, my dog now has to wear a muzzle FULL TIME whenever they are with us because a year ago, they were running and screaming through the house and he thought it was a game and chased after them and bit one of them on the leg. This dog is 10 years old and has NEVER bitten ANYONE in his entire life and spends 99% of his life sleeping. Rather than teach his kids not to run and scream through the house like wild monkeys and respect that they now live with an older dog who isn't used to young kids, my dog has to suffer, which is very upsetting to me and my BS. The muzzle rule is yet another reason I absolute hate them coming over!! When they are gone, my dog is happy and cheerful and always nearby. When they are there and he has his muzzle on, he is usually sulking upstairs or sleeping under my son's bed. I've thought about moving, but my BS begs me to just wait until he graduates high school because he is embarrassed by the number of times we have moved. Prior to this relationship, my BS and I moved at least 10 times in the last 16 years. I've never lived with a BF before this, so it was always just me and BS since I divorced his dad 15 years ago. I feel like I can't win.. I don't think I have the staying power to make it another year with these SKs, but I feel a tremendous sense of guilt for moving my BS again.

byebyebirdie's picture

Feel the same way I used to try a lot to bond but it seems like if anything came of it it was lost when SD leaves back to BM then we are strangers again next time she comes over, it gets to be rather exhausting, furthermore when I do something for her that I think was rather cool like when I got feather and glitter in her hair long time ago before anyone else was doing it she did say thanks but then her BM takes her the follow week copies my idea does same thing and SD puts all this crap on Facebook about how her mom is so cool ect ect ect, really pisses me off makes me say why the f should I bother. So now I don't anymore cause this has happened more then once.

Casey Summers's picture

Exactly how I feel. The SD and I get along ok it takes a while for her to warm up to me again after being at that bitch mother of hers house. I gave up trying to bond with skids, the cunt mother always ruins it anyway. Fuck them all.

Orange County Ca's picture

First just shut up. Zip it. Nothing comes out. No glares - no evil eyes.

A 19yo can get any license he wishes. Looks like the 16yo is OK, you didn't mention anything. The 13yo could be going through a sexual identity crises. Our society has grown up to the point where we allow homesexuals of both sexes to exist mostly in harmony. There are no unwounded children in a divorce and the the youngest will take it the hardest. She's needs Daddy desperately and you want to take perhaps her only piller away from her.

Follow this program or leave - these kids don't need you when you're out of control:

I give you credit for recognizing this as a problem and trying to seek advise to correct it.

mysuesue's picture

I feel like you just described my self when my sk come over, I cant stand her or her sisters and their annoying little things they do!! I go in my room too....and say mean things too....oh what to do what to do!!

devastated's picture

:O YOU ARE OUT OF LINE! I don't see one single valid reason in your post for such vileness. I think you yourself are the most serious problem in your family.

Frustr8d1's picture

You got that right, Manymoments! But, I'm running out of places and excuses to hide since SD9 lives with us full time! I'm a prisoner 355 days out of the year and the only time me and DH ever have fought is when SD is in the picture.

Sydsmomma's picture

Your not alone. I try the whole be busy when there over thing or hide in my room, and it just pisses him off. I just honestly can't stand to be around them, and thought if I'm not there it can't cause a problem. I feel for yah, and I hope it gets better!!!

Sydsmomma's picture

Your not alone. I try the whole be busy when there over thing or hide in my room, and it just pisses him off. I just honestly can't stand to be around them, and thought if I'm not there it can't cause a problem. I feel for yah, and I hope it gets better!!!

Vix1pal's picture

Did you know about his 4 kids when you got married? You sound totally immature. As these little people are getting used to you your giving anger and simmering rage.... you need to get some help hun figure out if you feel like your man and your own kids are worth fighting for... but your the one who needs the work its not normal for a mom to be so disrespectful of kids... little girls need their dads and its fine it boys want to play with stuffed animals nothing wrong with that...

bi's picture

she said the things they do are irritating to her. she didn't say she beats their asses and takes away dinner because of it. so where is this "simmering rage"? i don't see it. you should have been reading my posts a few years ago if you wanted to see "simmering rage". she doesn't "need help" just because she finds these kids annoying. she isn't being "disrespectful", either. she is irritated and is venting about it. big deal. she would be rightly accused of having simmering rage and needing help if she was saying nasty things to these kids and being abusive to them. that is not the case. you are WAY overreacting.

1mine2his1hers's picture

I think it’s very mature to admit she is struggling as a SM!! I think its rude to knock her for venting and being honest. Being a parent is hard in general and no parent has it all together all the time. No parent. Anyone who pretends they have it together all the time is lying.

shootingstarz's picture

I feel the same. It isn't "immature" as the previous poster stated. It's normal. As you can see from all of the others who agree. My DH's kids are good kids... They just get on my damn nerves because they aren't mine. A mother's love for her OWN child is like no other. Yes they will be bratty one day and upset you one day, but they are YOURS. Skids are not. A marriage license doesn't magically make skids yours. Can't magically make you love skids. And I think it's bullshit that's what is expected of people who marry someone who already has children. My DH's aunt is one who thinks that way. Asked me why I never post pictures of DH's kids on my FB. I responded with, "Why don't you ask DH why he doesn't post pictures of them. He is afterall their father." She said, "You married him so that makes them yours as well." And I gave her a big fuck off. I didn't carry them around inside of my uterus for 9 months like I did OUR DS. DH's kids are HIS. DS is OURS. And that's what I told her. With a few other choice words. And then unfriended her and the rest of my "out-laws." Don't need any of them telling me how to live MY life.

I too avoid DH's kids as much as possible. I would rather just suck it up and hang around and stop leaving MY own damn house when they are over (which isn't very often, lucky me) but every time I tell myself I'm going to do this, it doesn't happen. Their voices get on my nerves. Their shoes in my garage. The fact that they are breathing in the air in my house. I don't like the fact that I feel this way. It would be easier on everyone if I didn't. But I can't help it. I have tried. And failed. Maybe one day I will succeed. We shall see.

ava b.'s picture

i TOTALLY agree.

the problem is that most people come from this "cum-bi-yah" point-of-view - "let's all hold hands and journey through life together like we all sprang from the same womb"

well, WE DIDN'T.

it's a fact. it's biology. it's evolution.

you are more attached and invested in your OWN BIOLOGICAL "PRODUCT".

why would you EVER invest in someone else's????????

it'd be like paying your neighbor's mortgage to help keep short-sales out of your neighborhood - i mean, "hey, you chose to live in the house next to them and be their neighbor, right?" - why the F____ would anyone do that?????

listen up world:
we married our partners even though we knew they already had kids because we thought that our partners offered more pros than cons (it's called "making a compromise", "placing a bet" - and crossing your fingers,"delaying gratification", "holding your breath", "wishful thinking", etc, etc). doesn't mean one of the major cons wasn't the damn step-kids!!!!

the_evil_new_wife's picture

Totally agree!!! I have 3 skids ages 12, 13 and 15. All boys and all spoiled privilaged brats..I love my husband and really thought I could deal with it..but the BM and in-laws are all horrible people..I've lost my job, been so depressed and wanted to off myself because of his "baggage"...ugh..don't know what to do..

scarpetta's picture

I have tried and failed to like my SD's as well. My husband turns into a completely different person when they come over. He starts being silly and making jokes, wanting to actually go out and do fun things, and in general, acting giddy and stupid over his girls. It's nauseating. He adopted both of my kids, but treated them like crap the whole time they lived at home. Now that my kids have gone into the Army and moved out, he wants his precious little princesses to get everything my kids never got. He's changed the rules to accomodate two bratty teenage girls who don't even communicate with him when they're in our home. They spend the whole weekend in their rooms, watching t.v. and giggling constantly. When you try to talk to them, they give one-word answers or are vague because they don't want us in their business. I'm fine with that. I don't want to know these girls or be part of their life, but I'm forced to because I made the mistake of marrying a man with kids. If I had it all to do over again, I would never have given this man a second glance because he's constantly putting his brats before me. I'm done acting like I care. I have spent so much time, energy and money on these kids it's insane. They are ungrateful, spiteful little jerks! Luckily, I only have 1 1/2 years left until the oldest moves out of our house and in with her mother. I think I'm going to throw a huge party that day! The youngest still has 3 more years with us - UGH! Don't get me wrong, I don't want anything bad to happen to them and I try to be as nice as I can to them when they're in my home, but I don't have any desire to do more than that and I resent my husband's dual personality. He is sullen and tired all week, but the minute his daughters are due to come over, he perks up. So, basically they get the best of his personality and I get what's left. It sucks! Having to pretend to feel things I dont' feel is wearing me down because I've been doing this for over 10 years. I would have left him by now, but he adopted my children and I didn't want to appear ungrateful. I can't even say that I love him anymore. There comes a point when you've watched your husband act like an idiot over his kids so many times that you lose respect. Along with the loss of respect, comes loss of love. He frequently falls asleep on the couch during the week so I just leave him there. I don't care if he comes to bed anymore or even if he loves me or not. I know that the only two people that matter to him are his daughters. I feel that my children would still be living near me if my husband had not been such a jerk to them. They were both bullied by my husband and held to much higher standards than his own children, which he blames on the fact that his kids are only with us on the weekends and don't do anything wrong. Of course they don't do anything wrong at our house because they're only there 2 days. They save all their bad behavior for their mother's house so they won't get disciplined for it (she never punishes them for anything!). My husband has punished my kids very severely over the years: yanking a drawer out of my son's desk and cutting his leg with it, pushing my daughter up against the wall and yelling in her face, calling my daughter a spoiled brat, telling both my kids they were going to turn out to be losers if they didn't shape up, and many more verbally abuse behaviors. He also uses gifts as weapons, taking things away from my kids when they got bad grades but not holding his brats to the same standards. One of his daughters is failing 3 classes as a freshman in high school. He must be so proud. Well, at least my kids are out of that life now and are making a life of their own. It's sad, but I've often thought my life would be better once all the kids moved out. I'm no so sure anymore.....

Cfurni's picture

Why should your emotions suffer for this man? He adopted your children but was not a quality father to them. You can at least say that your children turned out for the better. Leave the man reconnect with YOUR children. Forget his brats and move on.

Ambernicolerose's picture

I can relate with everything you said so much and I've only been with my husband for 3 years. Is this an endless cycle that never ends?:('s picture

I found alot of the feelings above are ones that I also have felt. I liked the article on disengaging but how can this happen if you have one child together? I find myself wanting to not be here in my home either.
Sometimes I am equally as stressed if not more when my own kids come, lets face it, this is not easy, i need more stress management techniques.
This type of home does nothing for a marriage. I find due to the conflict I don't even want to do anything with my husband when the kids are alseep. I am exhausted and angry most of the time. My kids are not angels either. What do you do? Counting down the minutes till they leave, counting the days until they get there again and dreading it, it sounds normal.

ava b.'s picture

(cut and paste from above)

the problem is that most people come from this "cum-bi-yah" point-of-view - "let's all hold hands and journey through life together like we all sprang from the same womb"

well, WE DIDN'T.

it's a fact. it's biology. it's evolution.

you are more attached and invested in your OWN BIOLOGICAL "PRODUCT".

why would you EVER invest in someone else's???????? (other than as an indirect means to get what you need)

it'd be like paying your neighbor's mortgage just to help keep short-sales out of your neighborhood - i mean, "hey, you chose to live in the house next to them and be their neighbor, right?" - why the F____ would anyone do that?????

listen up world:
we married our partners even though we knew they already had kids because we thought that our partners offered more pros than cons (it's called "making a compromise", "placing a bet" - and crossing your fingers,"delaying gratification", "holding your breath", "wishful thinking", etc, etc). doesn't mean one of the major cons wasn't the damn step-kids!!!!

JenG's picture

I have to agree with some of the other comments above. You knew the man had four kids when you married him. And I have to agree with the above persons DH's aunt. When you choose to marry someone, you marry everything that comes with them. Kids have to adjust too, which is why they could be seeking more of their father's attention right now. It's scary for children, even older children, to think that someone could take their parents love away. Just like you can't magically fall in love with them, they don't immediately fall in love with you. When they lived in the home with both of their BP's, they knew they were loved unconditionally.

My Skids definitely get on my nerves sometimes, especially when they come back from their BM's home, and we have our fair share of them trying to pin their father and I against each other. They drive me crazy and sometimes I dream of the weeks they will be at their BM's so it will be quiet (week on/off in the summer), but I have grown to really love these kids like they were my own and I have to look at them for what they are...children...and they are a part of my husband. Their BM has run us through hell with taking us to court and just constantly fighting and it took me a long time to not be resentful of the skids. Every time I looked at them, I would see their mother and I would question whether it was worth all the grief for kids that were not my BC and I also wondered if it was fair to my BC getting dragged through it with us. But, I decided that I loved my hubby and I really did love his kids and he loved mine, so it was worth it. We ended up getting primary custody and now we are all a really close family.

I'm not trying to be critical of you because no one knows your circumstances from a small post, but it sounds like you are unusually resentful of these kids. Like the person said above, the first thing you need to do is really fight the urge to yell and get into a rage. It sounds like your DH is trying really hard with your kids to be a family and if you truly feel that you cannot do the same with his, then maybe this is not the situation for you. The kids aren't going anywhere, and if what you say is true and they are not bad kids, then they definitely do not deserve the treatment they are getting. It will ruin your marriage and that will affect your BC.

It's so hard being a SP and I know that everyone can sympathize with you, but if you love your husband, I would really urge you to seek professional help just to talk it out and see where all of your resentment is coming from. It may not have anything to do with the skids. Good luck!

shootingstarz's picture

His aunt said that they became MY kids since I married DH. And that is false. Yes I married DH so I chose to accept all of the things that comes with marrying someone who has children. But like I said, that doesn't magically make his kids mine. They have a mother and a father. I am neither.

ava b.'s picture


you are NOT their mom. they have one.

they don't have anything that other don't kids have (a mom and a dad). the fact that you even tolerate them is an "extra" that other kids don't have at all.

they are not deprived. and they have parents (who need to do a better job fulfilling their roles).

pookochan's picture

It's good that you feel this way but a lot of SP are not fortunate to feel the same way you do. Each family and each situation are different, I think it's normal for her to feel this way and she's not alone.

pookochan's picture

:jawdrop: I can't believ it's not just me who has this feeling everytime she comes over. My SD is 15 and a half and she still coming over to my house from Friday nite to Sunday evening. Every 2 weeks, I always fight with my husband. I just couldn't believe at 15 years old she's still coming almost every 2 weeks. She's not that bad. She used to steal some of my stuff but it's few years ago but I still have bad feeling toward her. I couldn't trust her and I feel so uncomfortable everytime she comes. I can't give clear answer why I feel this way toward this kid. I love my own kid but I couldn't have any part of my heart for this kid. My own kid is not even my husband's daughter but he does take good care of her when I need him to do things for her. I have only 1 SD I have to deal with but you have 4. I couldn't imagine how uncomfortable you feel. Sometimes, I even feel like I want to quit with my husband and return back to the life with single mom again. It's very difficult situation and I completely understand you.

bi's picture

what always irritated the crap out of me was if sd had something going on at home and didn't come for her eowe visit, the visit always got made up for by her coming 2 weekends in a row after that. come on! she was a freaking teenager! why did visits need to be made up for? i hated having her here 2 weekends in a row! if i hadn't had our son by the time she moved in full time, i would have ran out of here like my hair was on fire!

pookochan's picture

2 weeks in a row, NO, I can't take it. I'd rather stay in the hotel with my BD. I feel bad and guilty to be like that toward this kid but I can't fake my feeling to love her as my own. No way thatI will feel love the way I feel with my own BD. This girl is 15, she should have her life, has friends, has activities to do and reside her BM house but she's still here EVERY 2 WEEKS. We are in the same boat. Grrrr

ava b.'s picture

believe me - so many people can relate to you!

i have a 16yo SD who also comes over every other week. she tries her best to come over more (i'll come home on an "off-week" and there she is - sprawled out on the couch, her a$$ cheeks hanging out of her too-tight shorts.


i get totally pissed but i force her dad to deal with it (and thank god that he does 99% of the time - but STILL, she continues to test the limits).

i know that she does stuff like goes through the stuff in my closet (why??????? i have no clue - i keep all my most personal stuff locked away or at my office at work)

personally, i think whenever kids (bio or step) are violating boundaries it's because SOMEONE (uh - mom? uh - dad?) has NOT been doing their job - ie, making the kid feel loved and secure and teaching them to respect others personal space/time/belongings. but that's THEIR f-up, not mine!!

kikie jahn's picture

Smile Dear Nc Stepmom...

You are such a wonderful stepmom and I can understand your plight. the best words I hear from you were, my kids were no dream children either. That is a proof you are such a fair person and its no wonder God put you as a stepmom. being a stepmom, i might say, is the worst challenge. I failed myself.

I have been there in your situation - hating my stepkids for no reason and hating myself for it. And I have been there, struggling to find a way out of it. The irony is that, since you are struggle to find a way out of it, you are indeed a good, noble person.

The ugly truth is, there is never a way out of it. I sometimes think that the Cinderella's stepmom is a curse and we all stepmom at few points in our stepmotherhood, would put on the wicked hat. I hate it when these moments come. But as much as I hate it, I have learnt to accept that I may hate them forever and happily ever after is delusional. Accepting this risk and the situation, and making room for our wickedness in their lives, are the best options, I guess.

S.R.'s picture

Until landing on this board, I had been feeling completely isolated in my emotions. Being a step-mom is not an easy thing, and it is one that has taken a progressive toll on my emotional well-being. I have a son of my own, and he is generally well-behaved, but my step-children are out-of-control and inexcusably disrespectful.

On a recent trip to the beach (my step-children's third vacation this summer), all my step-daughter did was complain. She is difficult, rude, and obnoxious. Her brother is no better.

My husband is constantly making excuses for them, and I am finding myself becoming even more resentful of the situation. I hate going home on the days that they are there, and that is every day except Friday and Monday. My own son spends equal time with his dad, and every-other weekend with him, but my step-children are with us every single weekend. It has become exhausting...

I feel terrible saying I hate them, but I feel like I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge my feelings. They don't speak to me, they ignore me when I speak to them, and they often disregard the rules in our home. They have become extremely sneaky, and I am just so very tired.

I love my husband very much, and I have tried for a lot of years to be patient and understanding, but I am truly at the end of my rope. I am not looking for advice, just a place to share these feelings... I have tried to speak with my husband, but it hurts him, and I don't wish to do that.

ava b.'s picture


i would shoot myself in the head.

honestly though - i would probably move out on the weekends or ask him to leave (actually, the more I think about it the more I know that I would make him go somewhere with the kids - at least every other weekend).

you are a saint.

not sure how much longer you have on your "sentence" as a stepmom, but just keep in mind that: when kids become adults and move out they generally have no desire to go back (70% of the time?)
of course there are those kids who are failures at life and do come crawling back.
if that happens..... "divorce" anyone?

not making a suggestion or anything - more so just speaking for myself.

Casey Summers's picture

Your post is hilarious! "shoot myself in the head" lol.. lucky for me the skids are only here 4 days every other week. I'd probably jump off a bridge if they were here more often. I see the boy becoming a failure and living with us until he overdoses on oreos and mountain dew. I hope not. I hope he moves in with his bitch mom.

onebright1's picture

Yeah, We have skids every weekend too. From FRi after school til Monday drop off at school Sad And I feel the same and do the same as Ya'all. Stay in my room, or take BD and leave. I usually end up spending way too much money just trying to stay away. Its easier when BD is at her dads. When she is home with us EOW she wants to stay and play with Stwins9. God knows why, they just torture her mostly.........

WTHDISUF's picture

You're a brave soul--4 Kids! I can barely tolerate the 1. I guess at least it's good they are older and not always in the house with you. Sometimes it's hard to put finger on what is wrong but I think the stress of 4 kids in the house at once is enough by itself. Any other issues are just that much more static.

I have found myself hiding in my room too and it makes me sad. It's tiresome to watch my DH catering to SS8. He gets up and gets him water, prepares his Easy Mac, turns on the shower for him, helps him dry off when he's done, makes him grilled cheese at 10p, 2 hrs after a full dinner. This is all stuff SS8 does on his own when DH is at work as I've taught him how & he knows I won't do it for him. But he knows he can manipulate and control DH so he does. DH lets him stretch out on the couch while he crumples up in the arm chair. When DH asks for remote b/c SS8 has literally been allowed to watch Cartoons for 5 hours straight, SS8 will tell him no, then proceed to ignore him until I step in. I just can't watch this go on hour after hour. We're good to SS8, try to give him a quality life when he's with us and he's just a brat in return. I hide in my room a lot lately. Sigh.

ava b.'s picture

hey, my 9yo SS needed someone to wipe his a$$ for him until about 6 months ago - NO JOKE. he still doesn't know how to tie his shoes well.

he infuriates me at times, but for some reason i can tolerate him a lot better than the almost-17 and almost 19- years old older step kids. they are horrible for entirely different reasons: they are HONESTLY terrible people. just NASTY. they look down on people with less or people from different cultures. they say the most IGNORANT things. they are just black-hearted and small-minded.

i can put up with a lot, but a truly BAD person?
i cannot wrap my mind (or arms) around that at all.

sometimesmomof123kids's picture

We used to get both skids for 5 weekends in a row then for 3 weekends in a row they would stay with BM. My DH's schedule was and still is very crappy and constantly rotates and it is the best job he can get with good insurance too so I wouldn't have tried to get him to switch jobs then or now. (BM at the time was generous enough to do this, but it changed when she got a BF with a daughter EOW). It was not great but since they were little and was better than tweens or teens and I dealt with it pretty well I think. DH's family, especially FIL once asked why we don't get them even on the 3 weekends DH was working all weekend and even though he would only see them for maybe an hour during night shift and 3 hours during day shift, said he thought we should do it anyway and told the whole in-law grapevine about his feelings. Of course, they all joined in the lynch mob for me and my DH over this. I got so mad, (this is a man who never exercised all of his own visitation and only ever did anything with his own kids that either he liked or that his wife, their SM planned, very selfish) I called a family mtg with FIL and fussed him up one side and down the other. I said, you can have an opinion because you are their GF and you are supposed to care about them. But a. Don't go blabbing to the whole family so they can verbally bash me for it, come to US, and b. you are WRONG. I am not BM's free babysitter and I have a right to have time for myself, or later QT with DS. Now we have had custody of SS15 for over 2 years now, and are trying to get custody of SD13 because BM decided to suddenly move out of State. So I will have them 24/7. And that is HARD. I think the main reason we or at least I feel this way is because I can't get their love, respect, attention,obedience, etc. like I can my DS...and they aren't even "Bad Kids" - I mean, they are teenagers but still otherwise good kids so far. But Xanax or antidepressants, and hibernating in your room can be an SM's best friend when it all gets to be too much. Or go out with friends, or whatever makes you feel better for a time.

I would tell anyone to not marry someone with kids - RUN! But most of us think it will be okay because - HEY, WE LOVE KIDS! We love DH, it can't be that hard...HA! No one can imagine what it is like. No one would think you could feel the way you do sometimes...because we are human. It's hard to realize that.

ava b.'s picture

I commend you and TOTALLY feel for you.

Here's my summary of everything i said above:

adults and "near-adults" (teenagers) who have not-a-damn-thing in common (in fact are very much opposite) should not be forced to live together. it is NOT natural. I don't think it's natural to live with non-relatives unless they are your spouse or a very close friend who is almost like a relative to you.

The worst thing for me? - i pay for EVERY DAMN THING these kids eat, sleep on, drive, watch on TV, etc, etc, etc, etc.... LITERALLY - my name is on the title of the house, the family car, the bills. i pay the credit card bills (that just paid for a long vacation to NYC for the two older brats)

so to have them prancing around like they are entitled - and saying nasty, condescending and arrogant shiat is MADDENING, to say the LEAST.

i often imagine myself killing them in violent ways.
or at least punching them in the face repeatedly until they are unrecognizable bloody pulps.
or wishing that they will meet an untimely end in some unfortunate accident.

here's my thing:
I CAN NOT STAND people who talk badly about those in less fortunate circumstances - for example: poor people (personally, I make 6 figures), or "stupid" people (i have 20+ years of schooling and a professional degree), or non-white people (I am multi-racial) or over-weight people (personally, I am fairly slim).

yet these little SHIATS, who have never accomplished one damn thing in their miserable lives, look down on everyone - meanwhile they are dumb as a rocks (for example "forget" how to do long division as junior and seniors in high school; didn't know what side JAPAN was on during WWII)
My SD likes to pick on anyone whose not super white, blonde and rail thin. Even though she's half-chinese, brown haired with a healthy dose of sun-damaged skin, and a cheese-burger away from "chubby". The only reason she's not a fat cow (like her mom, grandfather, aunt, etc, etc...) is that she sticks her finger down her throat 5 times a day and runs like a mad women every chance she gets.

her older brother is just as horrible - he's basically a racist (though, like his sister, half-chinese and really "tan") and a freaking NEANDERTHAL. He actually had the NERVE to say that he's "scared of black people" (at 225 lbs? REALLY???????) - and he cracks crass "black jokes" all the time (so maybe he SHOULD be scared of black people with a mouth like that - all it takes is saying the wrong thing around the wrong people ONE TIME)

I CANNOT WAIT UNTIL THESE TWO ARE GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do NOT want them influencing my son (who is still just a toddler). thank god my SS's last day in my house is TODAY! HALLELUJAH!!!!!!!!!!
It's "college time" (and I say that loosely - it'll be interesting to see how he does..... believe me, my fingers are crossed; i want to see that little birdie fly - fast and far away).

Next up? that NASTY little girl (the one who menstruates on her bed sheets but doesn't bother to ever wash them - yet makes fun of girls who are "ghetto") --- ONE YEAR! ONE STINKING YEAR - and she is OUTTA HERE!!!!!

People (in-laws) might not understand why a step-parent has any problems "accepting" their step kids but, wake up people - step kids are not necessarily trying to make it easy for stepparents. they will act on their best behavior when extended family or friends are around, but then.... do people honestly think they are just the same when interacting with us? and do people not think it would drive them crazy as well?????

the problem is that "non-stepparent" people have this ridiculous "cum-bi-yah" point-of-view - "let's all hold hands and journey through life together like we all sprang from the same womb"

well, WE DIDN'T.

it's a fact. it's biology. it's evolution.

you are going to be much more more attached and invested in your OWN BIOLOGICAL "PRODUCT".

and what is the motivation to invest in someone else's????????
it'd be like paying your neighbor's mortgage to help keep short-sales out of your neighborhood - i mean, "hey, you chose to live in the house next to them and be their neighbor, right?" - why the F____ would anyone do that?????

listen up world:
we married our partners even though we knew they already had kids because we thought there were more pros than cons, and we thought we could wait it out - no matter how bad (it's called "making a compromise", "placing a bet" - and crossing your fingers,"delaying gratification", "holding your breath", "wishful thinking" - - whatever). doesn't negate the fact that one of the major cons might be the damn step-kids!!!!

More of my angst:
my 9yo SS needed someone to wipe his a$$ for him until about 6 months ago - NO JOKE. he still doesn't know how to tie his shoes well.
he infuriates me at times, but for some reason i can tolerate him a lot better than the almost-17 and almost 19- years old older step kids. they are horrible for entirely different reasons: they are HONESTLY terrible people. just NASTY. they look down on people with less or people from different cultures. they say the most IGNORANT things. they are just black-hearted and small-minded.

i can put up with a lot, but a truly BAD person?

i cannot wrap my mind (or arms) around that at all.

will I be disappointed if my own son turns out that way? HELL YEAH - without question. there's no double standard here - except, of course, that i'll keep loving him no matter what, because the love was there to begin with, but I would be devastated - probably even MORE so, because I will wonder where I went wrong. I'll be utterly crushed. that's one of the reasons I want the older two GONE as quickly as possible. I don't want them to poison my son!!!

Casey Summers's picture

wow, sounds like my skids. They are racist and pretentious just like their mother. They make racist jokes (im ethnic so they make sure im around to hear them. I think it was funny how you said you want to punch them in the face! You are lucky your SD moves out in one year. My SD moves out in 2 years (hopefully less) and the hateful little boy I dislike so much has four more years in our house. I hope my marriage survives. I love my husband but I cant stand his rats.

darkhorse's picture

I doubt you will ever like them...their behavior is based on illiciting a response to get Dad to give them something. You are reacting to their manipulation to stay young and helpless and you are in their way. Try to get them to go out of the house or you go out. It probs won't get better but they will get older and do other stuff if you can hang in there, if the DH is worth it!

darkhorse's picture

wow newwife3, I got that kind of sd...luckily she lives in a hell hole somewhere far a trailer like her mama. She called 3 times in June when me and our 2 beautiful kids celebrate our bdays all in a week with, 1.her front teeth falling out needing $8M, 2. a grand mal seizure, (a lie meant to yank dad's chain as he has epilepsy!), and 3. being beaten, about to be killed by BF. We later got an inmate call from a prison where she was jailed for attacking BF, not the other way around. After 18 yrs. of lies and stories and exploiting $$ for drugs and who knows...WE CHANGED OUR PHONE NUMBER! Now she can write emails but doesn't cuz it is so much less dramatic and yields much less money!! My poor DH can not stand her, but he feels so bad about it all. HE EVEN QUESTIONS IF SHE IS REALLY HIS GENETIC MATERIAL!'s picture

I guess I was told by my counsellor I could not disengage because we had a child together and now that child is tied all of us together. Great.

love_my_shichi's picture

I am glad I found this website. I hide in my bedroom every weekend and I am starting to get seriously depressed. At first watching a little TV was OK. Now I am seriously considering whether I should marry this man. Our lives every weekend revolve around spoiled, dirty, disrespectful little brats, (5th and 6th grade boys). My fiance' thinks they are so charming and makes excuses for everything they say and do and no matter how hard I try I just do not feel any bonding for them. I cook goodies and treats for them every weekend, am polite and kind, stay out of their way, NEVER tell them what to do or discipline them in any way or anything, so my side of things is good.

I have step kids EVERY WEEKEND. They shit in the upstairs toilet and do not flush (their bedrooms and bathroom are downstairs yet they walk upstairs for some reason?), they never change their clothes, scream like banshees if you ask them to shower, turn their nose up at any dinner that isn't lamb or steak, NEVER say thank-you, expect to be paid if they help out in any way with anything, ALL THEY DO IN THEIR FREE TIME is play video games....LITERALLY. They leave messes EVERYWHERE which my fiance' cleans up, and its to the point where he spends half the weekend just cleaning up after them. I feel like we are running a freaking bed and breakfast every weekend I swear. Its NOT FUN AND ITS NOT FAIR. WE DON'T HAVE WEEKENDS. I WANT TO CRY> :sick:

love_my_shichi's picture

I ACTUALLY LOOK FORWARD TO MY WEEKS AS IF THEY ARE WEEKENDS...............HOW SAD. I wonder if anyone else feels that way. I am starting to try and remind myself that I have my fiance' only during the week and not the weekend. Maybe that's my solution. HOW VERY VERY SAD. Maybe I will get a weekend job....

Carmen225's picture

OMG, you sound just like me. I work on Saturdays so I don't have to deal with them the whole weekend. I was so happy when school started back, because they would stay for week at a time during the summer months. HIs kids make me SICK.'s picture

You are not alone. My husband has his bratty kids on his off days from work; his ex keeps them when he works. It became so bad that I finally took a job with days opposite of my husband, sacrificing our time, just to avoid these kids. If the husband is home, the kids are home. Now I only see my husband an hour or two before bed each night but the kids are asleep by the time I get home and when I do have a day off they are back at their mother's. The few hours I spend with my husband now are FAR better than the stretch of days and weekends we spent together as a group. Quality over quantity, I suppose. I know it's not a realistic long term solution and in my heart, I know my feelings are not going to change but I'm not ready to give up the relationship with my husband.

Wailana's picture

Let me tell you how I turned my situation around so that it wasn't so frikin unbearable. I met my husband when his son turned 2 and he had already been split up with his ex for a year (she was a fling that showed up 5 months later pregnant and demanding time and money) he never wanted anything to do with her cuz she is really uneducated. And she doesn't realize it. If there was a classroom full of children, she'd be the idiot trying to tell everyone that 2+2 equals 17. And then when someone tries to correct her she'd try to fight them and get knocked out haha. That's her in a nutshell. Anyways, he was all in love with his amazing son when we first met and blah blah blah, and the kid is a frikin ugly crybaby. Seriously, everything makes him cry, the leaves falling off the trees, the sound of phones ringing, having to be buckled into a chair, you name it and he will look at it and cry. His mom makes like he lives in a special bubble. She takes him to the doctor for everything. He's always wanting "medicine". Omg did he just sneeze? Oh let's go to the doctor! Its been a whole 2 days since they prescribed him something! But I put up with it for a year, I kept my mouth shut when the BM accused me of slapping him (I really wish I had) interrupting our dates to want to know why he came back to her house with a cold, or stalking us and having people take pictures of us to try and catch us doing things she could use against us in court. And I sat quietly while my husband argued with her on the phone each night. I sat quietly through a lot of bullshit. I basically was well behaved and I made sure I showed myself in the best light I could. And after two years of being a "sweet, loving, amazing girlfriend, who always looks presentable and cleans up after herself and pays her bills on time with her own money.... I Left! Yup. One night i was like BYE have fun with your ex and her mutant child! I told him that I loved him so much but i never wanted to be a step mom and I can't handle his son and the love triangle with his BM and I have a bright future ahead of me and I don't need it to be darkened by his demon ex. So? He realized how much he loved me. After a couple months of being alone and drunk everynight, he realized that I was his future and he was losing his future by trying to fix his broken past. So He gave up all custody of that rodent, ordered his ex to take him off the birth certificate and change the kids last name. And then we got married and had our own son together. I think a big factor was the fact that he never wanted anything to do with her in the first place. It made it easier to give up. But now my mother in law still picks his ass up like two nights a week and we all live in the same house. But during that time we don't have any contact with the kid. He tries to come by my husband and talk to him but we usually just ignore him and leave. It kind of makes me laugh, cuz the kid will straight up ignore me and be like Hi daddy! And my husband will just walk away. And I kind of laugh in my head (but sometimes I do feel guilty) one thing that sucks though is some of his family members blame me for him not wanting to be in his sons life. And they act like me and my husband don't exsist (but who cares) and another annoying thing is that he's constantly talking about his mom. "Omg my mommy has a new boyfriend and the boyfriend is mean to her. I don't like him! My mommy has a brand new car and someone keyed it! She was so mad! My mommy is pregnant with another baby boy and the new baby daddy doesn't want it and he broke up with her." Wow! You don't say! Wonder why the new baby daddy don't want her either! Cud it be because your mommy is a big whore who can't keep her legs closed? Well.... that sucks, maybe you should leave so you can comfort her and then never come back? Hmm? Need some uber money?" Haha. Ok that's a little messed up. But its been five years of this shit and I'm allowed to vent a little. NO ONE knows how evil I am on the inside except my husband. Thank GOD I found this website!!! I can be myself without being judged by Martha Stewart loving robots. You know the women I'm talking about, the ones who make you feel bad for not liking the SKids. The ones who are like "its not the kids fault, you need to get over it, I love being a step mom its great blah blah blah". Give me a break.

Carmen225's picture

I was so glad I found this site too. I can't stand my fiance's kids either. Two boys 12 and 14. They come over evey other weekend. They are messy and I refuse to clean up behind them. I tell them there is no maid service. I will be gone all day and come home and the kitchen is a mess, I just go up to my room, because I refuse to clean up behind them. They are big enough to clean up behind themselves. Their room stinks because their linen has not been washed in months and I refuse. They also have a closet full of dirty clothes. They are so sloppy and trifling.

Carmen225's picture

I can't stand my fiance's kids. Two boys ages 12 and 14 by two different women, neither he was married to. Me and my fiance have been living together for almost three years. I tried to like them and be nice, but quickly found out they were wild, hard headed kids and alway seems to forget the things that they know, they are not supposed to be doing. I try not to deal with them at all. I get very irritated when they have to come over every other weekend and stay for weeks at a time during the summer. I hate to go home when I know they are there. I get sick to my stomach and feel like I'm going to throw up when they are over on unscheduled visits. Unschedueld visits like the one the 12 year old is on now since he got suspended from school going on two weeks and school just started. He's a bad ass boy who needs discipline.

The 14 year old acts like he's slow. He's so goofy and his mom gets on my fiance's nerves, she tries to be so demanding and always expects more. She wanted his goofy ass to go to private school, which he has been struggling in for the past 2 years and my fiance pays the monthly tutition. She expects him to buy clothes, shoes and pay for all extra actvities on top of tutition. He does buy clothes, and shoes. She will call and ask for dumb stuff like a $10 backpack. She acts if she never has money to spend on her own son and expects him to pay for everything. She also tries to get him to buy groceries for her hous too. She has a job she can buy groceries, she has to eat so she should feed her son too.

All they want to do is watch inappropriate things on t.v. and Youtube inappropriate things, play age inappropriate video games, run up and down the stairs keeping up noise. Neither one of them are doing well in school one is a grade behind and the other one, the 12 year old is on medication for ADHD. My fiance just found out, and disapproves of him being on medication. He needs it though because he can't sit still and is all over the place doing things that you'd expect from a 3 year old. I sometime feel bad I feel this way. I am so glad to find out, I am not the only one who doesn't care for the stepkids.

love_my_shichi's picture

OMG THE RUNNING UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS! "the boys" as my fiance' loving calls his FREAKING BRATS FROM HELL....every weekend they do this and the stairs are right by my bedroom where I hibernate. You, Carmen share a lot of my pain it seems. At least you only have them every other weekend. I was sobbing out of control like a child this weekend I just couldn't take it. He keeps saying that their growing up is right around the corner and then it will just be us....but I don't know about that. I am so spiteful and feel so bitter and cheated that I HAVE NO WEEKENDS> By Sunday night I am spitting nails mad and its time for him to head off to work and we have spent no time together. We always end up fighting because of them too and I hate it.

I just generally hate THEM. I am not a mean person in general but these boys they are...and I don't mean to be snotty, but they are TRASHY! Their mom does not even have them brush their teeth. All they talk about at the dinner table is gross body function type jokes and inappropriate things. They are just weirdos and creepy and I hate having them in my space. When they touch my puppy I freak out. Last week the older boy was sitting on the poor thing. The dog weighs 6 pounds and could get crushed and die. Not joking, I WOULD get violent if anything happened to my dog by the hands of those nasty boys.

These children....they may never get jobs. What if they had to live in your house....and what if they have grand kids? I can only assume my man will have blinders just as big for the offspring of his kids and they will most likely be just as undesirable as them. It makes my stomach turn.

Carmen225's picture

Hi love_my_shichi, How old are your stepkids? When we have plans to go out on the weekend these Heathens are over, we just go, because they are old enough to stay at home by themselves. As a matter of fact he's been leaving them at home since weve been together. I will never cancel my plans to do anything because they are there. When they were younger 9 and 11, and my finance would leave me home with them. If there was somewhere I wanted to go then I would leave, I'm not babysitting your kids, it's not my responsibility. My fiance will ofter ask me if I want to go with him and his kids when he takes them places like the movies or out to eat. I alway say no, so I can enjoy those 2-3 hours home alone while they are gone. The 14 year old will gobble down all his food in 3 minutes, its so disgusting. The 12 year old is always saying inappropriate things and makes himself burp purposely at the table. They have no home training or manners. I can't stand them. They both needs some stern discipline. I hope and pray neither one of them have to live with us, I might just leave for good then.

love_my_shichi's picture

WIOMH: "nipping mini-wife antics"....HA HA HA !!!! That is the funniest thing ever!!!I think I will adapt your philosophy and stop being so damn soft. Why should I sulk in my room. Luckily I told my fiance' A LONG TIME AGO that I would have no part of cleaning up after his messy little brats. And THANK GOD his psychopathic daughter/mini wife is such a psycho that shes not even allowed to come to our house anymore.

Tell them you are having a non-materialistic Christmas and make them get off their butts and go volunteer at a soup kitchen for the holiday and don't over buy them too many toys and gifts. That is what I am doing this year. Smile

Carmen225's picture

OMG, I wish these bad ass kids weren't allowed to come to our house ever. I don't know why they have to come over at all. They don't do shit when they are here, but eat up everything and mess up. I wish he would just go take them out somewhere on the weekends and drop their asses off back at home with their mothers. I dread Christmas because their lazy ass mothers think they should spend their whole Christmas break here since they have to work. Guess what we have to work too. My fiance is so gullible when it comes to his worthless ass kids.

jneill72's picture

You are brilliant!!! Why didn't I think of that. If I had called my SD a bitch way back when, maybe I'd be in your shoes right now:) Enjoy the best of both worlds, you are VERY lucky. Just don't make the mistake I did and marry into that bs situation, you don't need the drama.

Best wishes:)

maggie1966's picture

NC Stepmom, I know exactly how you feel. My stepkids are driving me crazy too. I raised my kids and now have to deal with the ingrateful stepkids. The 20 year old is in college and comes home for holidays and acts like a 15 year old, the 18 yr old is a junior in high school and acts like he is about 11. The 5 year old is more responsible than either of her sibblings. She picks her toys up without being told, offers to help set table and tries to help cook! We have family meetings about what is going bad, chores not being done (trash, laundry, dishes) and it works for about 5 hours then they back to their old "do nothing, 'mom' will do it for me" attitude. We have taken away games, computer, phone, and other priviledges and nothing works. The empty promises and lying are becoming the straw that broke the camels back.
I wish I could tell you something to try and give you hope but I can't because I am right there with you! Good luck, be strong and remember one day they will be out of the house and you and your husband can enjoy your together without the brats.

annmarie29's picture

First post.

My situation is very complex ,and I want to get your advice on it when I have more time and a free computer, but I have ss6 in common with all of you. He's here now, upstairs with 'daddy'. My man goes to bed when the kid does. I'm sat downstairs on my own. I dread his visits. His family go on about "oohh he's coming!!!" And I have to go oohh yeah. my oh says its the highlight of the week. But it gets me the way he goes on about everything is great when my sons here. But I dread it. I hate everything that happens when hrs here. He's a typical 'custody battle child' his mom is rich and my oh is not badly off either. I have worked in social work
with abused kids . I know what is a real problem and what isn't. Having a macbook at age 6 ain't a problem. He's not a bad kid, in fact very well behaved but that's the problem. And I haven't got sympathy for his privileged issues. He's not badly behaved at all in fact hes a bit of a little smart ass who is a sucky tell tale and thinks he's in ninth grade that I can't relate to. he doesn't eat candy because 'its bad for you'. Freak. I try so hard tho.

He seems to like me but after two years there is no affection there. People think there is because I'm good with kids but he has never hugged me back, or physically offered any affection towards me or said he i me or whatever. I can feel that he has no real connection with me deep down and I know it because I am a maternal sort. Yet I'm supposed to love him.I feel nothing. He interacts with me but as if I'm somebody there to play a game. He walks in on his visits... I go "yay!! Heya guys, how are you, wow did you have a nice journey?? I got cookies in!" He will walk past me. I feel like shouting fuck you!!! Oh, says my partner. He gets I live here! I've known him for a third of his life! In return, I wouldn't care if I never saw him again. I wash his pants when he pisses himself, and clean up his crap and try and think of fun things and make him welcome and he can't say hello?
Oh's son is Mr perfect!!! He's so great, he's so lucky, oh he's so brilliant, he's so clever!!! Etc. He's one of those kids that wants to be centre of attention. Making up stupid fucking games for hours or songs that everybody has to play. He interrupts me and my partner. I can't have a two minute conversation without him going daddy stop talking . And my oh does it!!! His ex is a nutter but has instilled a lot of good in him such as doing as he is toldand right and wrong. My oh believes that such things have happened because of the 'brilliance' of his son, rather than his ex. My oh is such a doting dad it almost makes me wanna throw. Am I jealous.. yes and no. My problem is when I feel that no matter what great time we have, it always would have been better if he was here. Its so hurtful. He says shit like only my child never judges just accepts me for who I truly am. All this crap. He's 6. That's the sticking point in our relationship. I hoped I'd feel love for his son too, but I feel irritation. My girlfriends are all number one in their partners eyes. My man says we are 'both number one'. My man is a great partner and treats me very well. He then switches to treating his son very well at weekends. I fear one day he will come to live here.

When they come to visit, he is around the family. Oh they always go to his sisters and mothers and auntie and grandma...oh they want to see him too!! Whereas I am left here alone. When I complain, I'm told I'm denying him seeing his cousins/auntie/ etc. What's happening is he's denying him me. Over Xmas I was left alone at my moms because he had to go visit his kid and family. weekends are his 'special time'. I feel so sad and lonely sometimes that I fantasise about an affair where somebody is thrilled to see me on weekends and they look forward all week!! I hate him coming over.
I feel so bad because my oh is a great dad. But then I feel sad because why couldn't he be a great dad to our kids and how will ours ever compare to the custody kid?

swannie's picture

Totally agree. I have three SK aged from 24 to 30, I have known them for 22 years. Apart from one who sees us about every month to 6 weeks, they are strangers. They literally drop in a day before or two days after Christmas to pick up their gifts, they do not remember their fathers birthday and when they do come around its always a drama (i.e. cancelling at the last minute or bringing/not bringing friends and boyfriends - so a gathering can be anything from 5 to 15 people - not that easy to cater for). I remember all the years of washing their sheets and cooking their food on the every second weekend visitations, all is for nothing. Their mother has brought them up with the idea that the "family" is her and her 4 children by two different fathers - the fathers are just figures on the wall in her view. We have a daughter of 16 who has a good relationship with one of the SKs, if not for that I would be in despair of the money and time I have put into these dysfunctional relationships - return on investment is negative!

jneill72's picture

Wow, reading this has made me strangly relieved. I thought I was alone. I felt like a terrible person. But reading this thread I realize my feelings are normal. I have 3 step children. He (husband)has two different baby mamas. The oldest 2 live with us full time. Have no idea where mom is. I do feel bad for the kids, that must be terrible to not know or have a relationship with your mom but... That's not my fault!!!!!! I didn't cause her to leave, I never even met the woman. My husband lets these kids do basically anything they want (as long as it doesn't interupt his private time). I'm stuck with them ALL the time. Every night, every weekend. And the ungrateful little $#@^*&$!!!!!!!!! I truely hate them. They are so spoiled, so annoying. And the SD she is a spitful little brat. So manipulative. I'm actually starting to be scared to be in the house by myself with her. She's made up stories (that have never happened!!!)Told school crazy stuff, she's ruining my life. I've been counting down till she's 18 but I still have 5 1/2 more years to go. Not sure if I'm going to make it. Can't take this much longer. I've seriously considered hurting myself just because I can't take this too much longer. Thankfully I have 2 beautiful grandbabies who I love and adore. So I'm still counting down...

Frustrated123's picture

I feel similar to so many of you. I just got married to a wonderful man. He has two boys, 9&11. I don't like them. They are spoiled, entitled, curse all the time in front of my 5 year old daughter. I hide in my bedroom when they are here and make myself scarce because I can't stand to be around them. Problem is my husband constantly complains that I don't engage with his kids. I don't want to because I cannot stand to be around them. I don't know what to do. Whenever I try to engage or hang out with them it makes it worse. They are also exactly like their mother who is a hateful, ignorant woman, which of course adds to the problem. My husband is quite distant with my daughter and I am fine with it. I just don't want to be around his boys.

Thisfits's picture

This is my first post. I felt so guilty even typing "I hate my stepkids" into the google search engine, so imagine my relief to find out I am not alone. I picked out some things from above and wanted to comment, kindof just to vent.

"I can't believe it's not just me who has this feeling everytime she comes over. My SD is 15 and a half and she still coming over to my house from Friday nite to Sunday evening. Every 2 weeks, I always fight with my husband. I just couldn't believe at 15 years old she's still coming almost every 2 weeks. She's not that bad." from earlier post

Right? It is absolutely ridiculous. My SD is 16.5. Does not drive and still comes over every other weekend and during the week too, because that is visitation that is court ordered. Not to mention the SS7, who still pees at night every once in awhile. The other SD13 usually stays at BM's, that is of course unless she needs DH to buy her something. Oh and BM signs them up for everything under the sun for after school and weekend activities. She does not ask my DH just assumes he will consume his weekends and time after school during the week when we have them to drive them everywhere. I honestly believe she does this to inconvenience us, keep some control over him, and get them out of the house when they are home, so she doesn't have to deal with them.She is a real treat. Honestly, I feel sorry for the SK's sometimes,because BM could give a shit less about them. They are just a paycheck and a way to hold on to communication with DH.

"I have tried and failed to like my SD's as well. My husband turns into a completely different person when they come over." from earlier post

We have fought over this several times. It's like he goes into a different mode. I feel like he starts to treat me different in front of them, I guess like how he treated BM. I mean, grow up. I am not her, this is not the same situation.

I also hibernate in my room when they come over. I cannot stand them and I mean anything about them. I will either hibernate or make other plans. My DH gets upset, but I have told him my feelings, which bother him. I mean I understand, they are his kids. He has known from the beginning though I feel this way. I simply can't stand them and am so happy I finally have a place to talk about this and won't be judged.

Black Sunshine's picture

I hate my step son too... Fortunately by the grave of God I rarely have to see the little bastard, and if he points one of his little toy guns in my face again I'm going to beat his retarded little face in. We have our own baby... I wish my man would just forget he ever met the kid's slutty mother. Our baby is enough.

fedup13's picture

This seriously made me laugh out loud, "I rarely have to see the little bastard, and if he points one of his little toy guns in my face again I'm going to beat his retarded little face in." I can't advocate for actually DOING this, but I feel your pain and understand the frustration. I pretty much hate any and all toys related to boys after being around skid, but the toy guns in the face, OMG, did that ever used to piss me off!! I am disengaged now, so I don't associate with the brat.

Jellybeam's picture

You said, "I feel terrible and I do recognize my feelings and keep swearing to myself I will change. but, as soon as his kids come over, my anger and rage appears..."

My anger and rage appears BEFORE SD11 even gets to my house!!! I HAVE changed, I'm disengaging.
Don't feel terrible. Step-kids suck, for the most part, so you feel what you're supposed to feel. It's ok. That makes you normal.

fedup13's picture

Disengaging is the only alternative to surviving this if you want to stay married, or at least it is for me. Even with the disengaging from interacting with him, BM, and DH in regard to his parenting, the rage and anger is still there because skid is still in my home and I dread it every week way before he actually is here.

newlywedlovely810's picture

OMG, I can't believe there is a site like this that exists. I have been married 7 months and his son is driving me crazy. He has a 10 month old and when he comes to visit I just cringe. It is so much to take care of him, I feel like just divorcing my husband. :O

Jellybeam's picture

Aren't you glad there's a site like this? It just might keep you sane! If you said that to anyone but us, people would judge you. I love this site.

dep333's picture

I found this site for the first time today and omg it feels SO liberating and validating to know I'm not the only one to feel like this...and to not be judged...that's a biggie right there.

I hate Fridays's picture

I too feel the pain of skids! I seem to be a lot luckier than most as SS never visits but SD (19) and her BF visit EVERY Friday!! Aaarrrggghhh!!! I know it seems stupid because its only for a few hours (thank god!), but I just can't cope! It's driven me to suicidal thoughts and I have told my husband that I don't want them in the house again. Although, now I'm thinking that this is totally unreasonable of me and I feel really bad. I think he's ignored me anyway, so they will be coming this week. Oh god - just realised - that's tomorrow!!! :-(((

JayS's picture

Well, you're in good company! I'm a hider. It drives my wife insane; avoiding her kids...but in truth, nobody wants to be around two spoiled mouthy insolent and lazy, self seeking mentally depraved idiots, and that is what they are...mommy coddled the little bastards and now they are entering their teen years. They will never hold a job, because they have been conditioned to be waited on like two royal little shit heads. Mommy is now trying to correct their ways, and she's baffled that nothing seems to work. I'm baffled that she is baffled...did she not see the monsters she was creating when she kissed their baby powder butts for years on end? That part of my wife just makes me sad, as much as I love her. But I tell the germs almost daily to digest one little morsel of reality...that when they are 18, the free lunch is over and they are the hell out of my house. If mom keeps them around for the free ride, I will go gladly. Amen.

Jellybeam's picture

OMG. The BM of my SD11 coddled her son who is now 22, cannot hold a job because he wont get up in time to go to work, he has not one, but 2 DWI's, He has lived with the BM all the while except for 2 months when he rented a house with some friends, but couldn't pay his bills. Mom did his laundry, bought his clothes, paid his lawyer fees, wiped his ass. He also dropped out of college in 2nd semester because he got drunk and therefore misssed class, couldn't do the homework. He will never be anything(but an inmate).
SD11 comes to our house and NO, I wont do your laundry!! No, I wont clean your room, NO, I wont clean up after you! and NO, I don't cook the things YOU like, I cook what the MAJORITY likes!! So I'm a bitch because I don't wait on the rude, whining, lazy cow.
I hope Sd plans to live with her mom when she turns 18, because I sure as hell aint going to have her living in my house!

JayS's picture

I work in food service as a chef. Every summer we hire young people for seasonal work. Every summer we have a batch of coddled kids that are 18-21 who really cannot function in a workplace without texting, potty breaks, calling in sick, and general lack of pulling one's weight, even with easy jobs like dishes or making salads. It's the 8-10 hour shifts that most of them hate. I say this because it strikes me that there is a lot of coddling going on somewhere. I dread summers at work, because it's whining and complaining, and then we never see those kids again. My stepdemons will be the same way, I know it. But they won;t be under my roof when they can't handle the real world.
I've been in my room all day teaching music. I asked the step demons to let the dogs out at least once to have a piss. There is piss all over the kitchen because they are preoccupied with video games. I'm leaving the piss there for their coddling mother to step in when she gets home. Mom could use some wet reality herself.

sillyjay's picture

I'm SOOOO happy to have found this site Smile . I thought I was going crazy and feeling so bad for not bonding with my skids. I've read several of the posts here and we all seem to have the same issue in common...hating our skids. Hate is such a strong word. To me, they are just annoying. I find fault in everything they do, they way they speak, walk, eat, you name it! I am miserable when they are in my home and so very happy when they leave. I've thought about this for a while and wonder if I resent these kids because they are the product of a previous relationship with our significant other. I don't have any kids of my own yet but do have other kids in my life (nieces/nephews/friends kids) and NONE of them annoy me. I catch myself being sincerely sweet to them and enjoying being around them and thinking why am I not this way with my skids? It's very difficult and has caused many MANY issues with my significant other. I've also considered counseling...just not sure how to overcome this resentment :?

I hate Fridays's picture

Hey Sillyjay! It's an awful feeling isn't it?! But I feel your pain. I wish now I'd have run a mile! You sound like me. I take it you have tried your hardest, as have I. Looks like my marriage has finally ended over this now so at least I won't have the stress of it anymore and hopefully get some sort of life back! You could try speaking to a counsellor, but in my experience, noone understands you unless they've been through or going through it themselves. Sad

JayS's picture

I think we just have to mentally relieve ourselves of the burden. You didn't create the situation. You tried to make it better, it didn't work. Hopefully your marriage withstands it and you can enjoy your life together. Don't feel responsible for their outcome. When I let in stopped expecting my skids to even lift a finger, I was free. When they grow, they leave. No deep resentment, just a cold comforting indifference toward their petty existence.

love_my_shichi's picture

Okay really..............nice comment.

They are just children, all stepmoms are jealous and what else?

stepmom2010's picture

I know where ur coming from! I have ss3. As soon as I hear his voice, I start cussing in my head lol. I've tried to hide in the bedroom but DH questions me, then I feel guilty. I've known ss ever since he was 6 months old. I tried to be close to him then but now that he became a toddler, he's just a spoiled brat that gets whatever he wants. I have a 3 month old, i hate ss touching him because ss goes to daycare and is sick ALL the time with runny nose and coughing all over my baby....I'm hanging in there!

Chay77's picture

What is wrong with you catty bitches. The problem is you all are jealous of your husbands life before you. These kids were there before you and you were all aware of them when you got married to their father. Get real.

Gsgw123's picture

I think the main problem is that many men aren't the primary disciplinarians of children, so when the kiddies come to stay at Dad's and stepmom's it's a free-for-all.

Maybe if MEN took the LEAD ROLE in managing their bio-kids' behaviour on a very consistent and daily basis, there would be WAY fewer stepmoms out there who are resentful and frazzled to the core!'s picture

My husband doesn't want to be the "mean" parent. He wants the kids to like it best at his place so he has essentially become an "always yes" type of dad. He caves to their whining and baby-talk. They have no responsibilities or accountability. Uncultured and ill-mannered. Their mother leaves them in the care of much older teen step-brothers most of the day and they have picked up some very age-inappropriate knowledge. They basically have no adult supervision at the mother's and are spoiled with the father. I'm not given the type of authority I need to effectively be involved in the situation so I stay far removed from it. I do not refer to them as step-children and I do not allow myself to be referred to as a step-mom. The behavior is so unacceptable that I do not want to be associated with them or mistaken as responsible for their actions. Not my monkey's, not my circus. No truer statement.

StepHater's picture


meatball23's picture

StepHater, Why are you even on this page? You literally have to google "hating stepkids" to stumble upon this so clearly you're just here to troll. Get lost and stop judging others because they don't share your uptight opinions. 

wonderwoman2012's picture

I understand the original post. I pretty much stay in my bedroom on weekends to avoid my BF's kids. I feel guilty all the time because I don't feel a bond with them. My weekends before were filled with just the sound of my kids laughter (I have two girls 8 and 3. Yes my kids would argue from time to time and fight over toys but for the most part a quick talk with them would shift the negativity. We would sleep late on weekends and then get in the car and visit my mother their Nana.

With BF kids coming over every weekend ages 9 and 10 (both girls) the environment is more chaotic. Yelling constantly running up and down the house and constant fighting. They pretty much trash the house and dirty up clean cloths that belong to my kids and leave without cleaning up. Leaving my children and I to clean the mess.

His youngest steals my oldest child's clothing, toys, and even tries to compete for attention from our relatives. I have witness on several occasions his youngest trying to steal the attention of my mother from my oldest. She tires to over talk and impress my oldest friends and cousins in an attempt to get all the attention for herself.

When the popularity contest method doesn't work for her she resorts to calling my oldest names and uses subtle abusive behaviors to try and scare her. This to me is becoming more and more of a nightmare.

His oldest is bossy and seems to think screaming and yelling at my kids is okay. I have asked her on several occasions if they are bothering her to tell me and I will deal with the problem. She calls my oldest names and says things in front of other children to humiliate her. Usually there things are in the form of jokes but only happen when there is a group of children around them.

Boyfriend doesn't do anything but lecture his children which never works. I'm not sure what to do. I'm at a point where I am content with hiding out in my bedroom and drinking wine until the weekend is over. I keep my purse locked up and just avoid his kids as best as I can.

I never meant for things to go this way they just developed. I thought being both divorced single parents of two daughters would make for a great blended family. I was so wrong in my assumption. I still try but at times I feel things will never change.

Gsgw123's picture

I don't like my boyfriend's 3 kids, either (g16, g14, b13). He is pressuring me for marriage, but I am resisting even moving in with him. I really love him and no one has ever treated me as kindly as he has. He is fantastic with my daughter (12).

My bf and his ex are raising their kids differently than I am raising my daughter. I think they are engaged in a popularity race, and they shield their kids from even the healthiest of life's adversities that would help them grow (take the damn bus!). They seem uninterested in instilling in the kids a sense of responsibility and action, and as a result, their kids are incredibly lazy, overweight and immature.

My bf is a great guy, but he is a different man around his kids. He has them every other week, and they take over and play him as he flits around accommodating and babying them. They lie around all day entertaining themselves, and he indulges them. The girls are demanding and the boy (13!) cries at the drop of a hat to avoid work. Ew. They have dreadful manners and they manipulate Dad with their drama, and I wonder where his testicles have gone?

I cringe when I even think of my bf and his kids together in one room, and lately, I've been making excuses to keep from participating in "family activities". Even my bf's own siblings roll their eyes at his lot at family gatherings!

I love my bf very much, and I hate myself for not liking his kids. They are decent to my daughter, and they are not criminals, but their family dynamic repels me to the core.

I've been talking to people about my reluctance to blend our families, and the feedback I receive from those who have ever had dealings with step kids is always a resounding: "IF YOU VALUE YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BF, DON'T BLEND!".

After spending time reading the postings on this site, I've seen a glimpse into what my life will likely become, as my aversion to his kids is already so strong. I have come to the conclusion that I just can't do it.

So, last week, I told my bf that I will only marry once our kids are raised and gone. He's upset, and I think now that I may even lose him, but life is too short. I'm not going to invite a huge ball of stress into my life if I can help it. I'm beginning to think that because our kids are being raised so differently, perhaps my bf and I aren't as compatible as I once thought, anyway Sad

ezras mom's picture

Ugh! Im so glad i found this page! Just this evening my 15 yo SD called my 7 yo son stupid and a husband did NOTHING so i spoke up (not something i usually do...i usually just try to pretent she isnt there since she doesnt speak to me anyway) amd she started fake crying and all that crap. Shes so full of drama, i cant stand the fake crying and she so desperate for attention its pathetic. She cant stand for anyone to give my son attention and not her...and the thing that really makes me mad is that my son has been going to a psychologist for a few months now while i try to work out his self confidence issues among other things (his bio dad is not around at all)...he already calls himself stupid all the time andthe dr suggested my husband and i each spent quality one on one time with him and it could go along way with him as far as his confidence amd things goes, but he camt because this brat is up his ass as soon as he tries. He keeps wanting to take her on vacations with us, but i keep making excuses because i dont want her to go with me. He has 3 kids total and all have been pretty hurtful and disrespectful to me with him not doing anything about it. As soon as its time for her to come i start to get a stress headache. I dont hear from her on my birthday or mothers day, she thanks her dads for her presents and leaves me out when im the one who bought the damn gifts....grrr....i keep counting down til she turns 18. She lies and steals my stuff...i just cant take it anymore!

Rags's picture

A 15yo crying over the attention paid to a 7yo? :? :sick: I would deal with this by laughing my ass off at her each and every time she did it. Biggrin Biggrin Biggrin

Sure you can deal with it. Tell your DH that until his daughter starts treating others in the home with respect that she is not welcome and that includes vacations. Once you tell DH this, sit SD-15 down and tell her the same thing complete with examples of her behaviors. Take video clips of her with your cell phone to give her proof of her behavior. Particular focus on how pathetic it is for 15yo to be jelouse of and abusive to a 7yo should be paid when dealing with SD-15.

Once you set the expectation you can then engage SD-15 to start participating in helping DS-7. If she will. If not, she can stay gone.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Rags's picture

I think that part of what you struggle with is a mamalian trait. Most animals do not tolerate the spawn of a rival very well. Think lions. When a new king of the pride takes over he kills all of the cubs of his predecessor. Fortunately as humans we have a choice to not do these things.

When my DW and I started dating when SS-20 was 15mos old I struggled with this occassionally. We had a great time together. But when we were settled in for an evening at my house I would get very territorial with the little guy. Who really cares if a kid is playing with your magazine pile? I sure did not care on an intellectual level but I did on a visceral level.

After a couple of incidents that I way over reacted to innocuous toddler behavior (I did not hurt him or otherwise abuse him but I did upset us both) I decided that I was experiencing an Animal Planet incident and worked through it.

Maybe our situation was such that working through it was much easier than working through it with four teen/young adult/preteen Skids.

We were in school far from either of our families and far from my Skids SpermIdiot and at the time there was no visitation schedule so we had to bond as a family.

One thing is for sure. I agree that your SS-19 should have his driver's license and he should be schlepping the kids around on visitation days when he is home from college.

The maturity thing I can also completely comiserate with. My SS was infuriatingly immature and still is in many respects. He has always tested 3-5 years above his age intellectually/academically and 3-5 years below his age emotionally. Grrrrrrr!!!!! :O That can drive a person nucking futz to have to deal with. Good luck with that one. I have nothin as far as advice other than daddy catering to the immaturity will just make it worse and last longer than necessary. I believe that is showing with the 19yo not driving as much as it is with the regressing 10yo.

To get my SS to drive, something that I and every one I know was screaming to do at 16 much less 19, my wife and I had to agree that we took him nowhere that we were not going. If he wanted to go somewhere we did not he either walked or took the bus that included to the airport to leave for SpermLand visitation after he turned 16. If he wanted to visit the DipShitiot he figured out how to get himself to the airport. That was an eye opener for him after we got in a big fight about getting his driver's license.

My SS finally learned to drive when he was 18.

Dealing with a blended family situation with only one child in the mix, like we have, is bad enough. I can only immagine how difficult it is with 6 kids in the mix.

Good luck.

LivingNightmare's picture

Hi nc stepmom, I agree that the older child needs to get his license. He needs money and support to get it, it is definitely his parents responsibility to provide both.

Secondly, immaturity is a defense mechanism, I would be questioning the kids need to regress into earlier behaviours.

It could be any number of issues but they do need to be taught more adult methods of obtaining the attention they crave.

In my life I have been a stepmother for 10 years, I have always struggled. We lost custody 3 years ago when their mother moved 3 hours away.

BM is pathologically nasty and vicious, and due to the horrible results of the giant family court shitstorm. I have given up completely.

BM still calls here to be nasty several times a year (not too bad, but still way too much) she says the kids tell her I'm in bed all day (hiding like you guys do) and that I won't look after them like I used to. (I used to do everything, even tuckshop duty at their school)

Well F them! I owe 0 to those kids who feel nothing for what we have suffered, they don't care that we lost. They don't care how their mother treats us. They fuel their mother with gossip and will even ring her while they are with us to complain about us!

Yeah, it is not ok.

1mine2his1hers's picture

Like so many other SM out there, I am glad I found this post!!!! At times I am at my wits end with my SK. I love them, but I am so annoyed with their choices and behaviors. Their BM has totally different values than my husband and I do. (Please keep in mind custody evaluation stated that mom coaches the kids and has poor parenting skills). I know its hard on the kids. However, I can not stand their attitudes, how selfish they are, how rude they are to other children, how mean they can be. They are rude mean kids. Bottom line. The 7-year-old girl uses her fist to solve everything and the 9-year-old behaves like he has never been exposed to any form of civilization. I don’t mean normal kid stuff, it is as if he has never been taken out in public before or learned to use a napkin, ever!

Now, I know they have! Because we teach manners, set expectations, attend church...yada yada. But they act white trash. I am so sorry. That is the only way to describe them. And no matter how hard I try or how understanding I am, they just act as if they have no self respect what so ever!

Kids are kids, but the white trash like rude mean behavior gets me so upset I can barely breathe sometimes. Cussing is normal language for them, being mean to other kids is normal.

Its not all their fault, this is the value system of their BM. Over the last four years her behavior has just declined. Its not the kids fault. BM is who she is…

But I just don’t like being around my SK anymore. They are not fun, not warm, not cute…who wants to be around that sort of rude behavior. And I cant correct them every two seconds…

I just feel like giving up. “Whatever you want to live your life that way, whatever.”

I don’t even want to touch them anymore. I feel so powerless….

Mommyme's picture

Sadly, kind of giving up on liking my SS.

I don't hate him, but can't really say that I am super excited when it is our weekend to have him over. Plus I have my own DD, 16MO angel, of course Wink .

SS has no manners- doesn't say please or thank you, won't look at you when he talks to you (this comes off as disrespectful to me), kid eats ONLY junk and is picky eater otherwise, and is overweight because his mother is constantly using child support $$ (haha) for fast food and other crap for dinner. Comes over with hair all crazy like it hasn't been cut in ages, (BM fault).

She is probably half of the reason that I do not like this kid being around. SHE is the reason he has no manners, wears only sweatpants, smacks his food loud enough to hear in the other room, and is disrespectful. I know who I should really dislike is her, BUT I don't have to deal with her, it is him.

I have grown apathetic to the situation, and let DH deal with SS when he is here. I don't really want to parent him. It is useless. I cannot change in 2 weekends a month what she does all year long.

The way he turns out is not on me. It is on BM. Not even DH, he barely gets to see him. BM lets him do whatever he wants, and I have to suffer that when he is around. Poor me, boo hoo.

Shenanigans4u's picture

I know this post is older but I just came upon it. So comforting that other people feel the same way although I wish none of us struggled like this! My soon to be ss is 6 and I cannot stand spending time with him, and for no real reason there is just something about him. It wasn't like this at first, I actually liked him when I met him 3 years ago. But as he has grown he has just become a person who irritates me to no end. When I know he's coming over I literally cringe. He's very awkward. I feel like he disrupts the flow of my family. He comes over on the weekends and so I barely look forward to them anymore and it drives me crazy that its almost impossible to enjoy quality alone time with my 2 bio children (12 and 15) because it would be rude to exclude him. I generally love kids and have dated men with kids and NOT felt this way so I know it's just something unique to this situation. You guys mentioned hiding in your bedroom and that is so me!! I will do anything to avoid being around him. I love my fiancé so much and he thinks I'm distant sometimes because of him and I of course don't have the heart to tell him it's his only child that makes me run and hide. It's gotten to the point that even saying the boys name leaves a bad taste in my mouth, how awful does that sound!? Sometimes I think I should just leave. They both probably deserve better. He's a weird kid, with odd quirks but he's only 6 and I shouldn't loathe him but I do. I even get a little satisfaction when he gets in trouble and or cries which is totally sadistic I know. My fiancé is so great with my kids which makes me feel even more guilty. I just wish we could move far away so that he only visits sometimes and not EVERY weekend. I am only really enjoying myself when it's me, my fiancé, and my two kids (unfair I know). We took a family vacation out of state and I prayed his mom wouldn't let him go... No such luck.

4under12's picture

I am stepmom to 4 kids ages 11,8, 6, and 5. To make a Long story short my husband and I have a 17 y/o son together . We separated when he was 1 1/2 and got back together about 4 years ago. Anyways the 11 year old has a different mom from the last younger 3 . I do care for the kids but they drive me CRAZY. I hide in my bedroom a lot also. These kids just dont listen whatsoever. The 6 and 5 y/o within an hour of being here this weekend were put in " timeout " for saying things like punch in the b@lls and kicked in the n%ts. The 6 y/o is on meds for ADHD and is rude , smacks the other kids screams to the top of his lungs, the newly 5 y/o is now starting to act the same way. The oldest 11 year old acts ditzy , her mother let's her wear shorts that are at her buttcheek area and she's boy crazy. She's had a crush on our sons 19 year old bestfriend for the last 2 years. Whatever clothes I buy her she never likes . These kids have no disipline , I go to a store today for 2 hours after I have cleaned the house all morning to come home to it trashed. I'm just so frustrated. It's sad to say but I look forward to them leaving before they even get here.

StepHater's picture

P.S.S. Hiding from your stepchildren is so INSANELY RUDE. "Hey how was your weekend at dad's?" "I guess it was ok. Stepmother stayed in her room the entire time and refused to join in anything with us. I think she hates us. What a bitch."
How is hiding from children remotely an acceptable solution. These are your husband's children and you're refusing to develop a relationship with them. Maybe you should of thought about that before marrying a father.
What's really surprising is that you couldn't stand them before you married their father but you went through it anyway as if nothing could come between YOU and YOUR happiness.
When a kid's parents get divorced, that's when they need the most love. SUCK IT UP. I hope your kids never have a stepparent like you people. There's a good chance your kids don't make the perfect stepchildren either. You're disgusting to hate children. They're responding to their environment that you've created with hate and resentment.

prisirocks09's picture

Sometimes - though some people may think otherwise because "its just kids" - the kids are very manipulative. They can very well be the ones to create the negative environment. It's unfortunate that you had a bad experience. My stepfather of now 20 years is my father as far as I'm concerned, and I have no need to look for my biological father. He has been there for me through everything and I love the guy. However, I hate my stepchildren knowing very well that their father adores my daughter. Sometimes, personalities just dont vibe and that cant be forced. Dont think that because we're the adults we should suck it up. Kids can be evil, not all obviously, but they sure as shit can be. Imagine being the best you can be to a little kid who just wont cut you some slack - sounds stupid - but it can be the most infuriating thing in the world.'s picture

If you were anything back then like you are now- I would have thrown a fish at your face too. You need therapy, many years of therapy. Get over yourself and don't come on this site to bash stepparents who have issues with their step-kids.

Edge Of Reality's picture

Wow. I, too, thought I was alone in feeling the way I do.

My live-in partner has FIVE kids, ranging from 3 up to 16. And they are all girls! To be fair, the eldest lives with her father and we don't see a lot of her. And when the rest of them visit their father every second weekend, the serenity, peace and quiet abound. He's a jerk, but I actually look forward to his Friday afternoon visit to collect them. Simply put, they make my flesh crawl. Noisy, messy and lazy - I retreat to my room and study or play games on my PC until they go to bed, and only then will I come out to watch TV simply because they make too much noise and walk in front of the TV to otherwise concentrate on it.

They all have inflated senses of entitlement and demand their mother do everything for them - OK, the 3yo fair enough - but the rest just think of themselves and don't care who gets put out as long as they get what they want. I hate going anywhere with them in the car because of noise and the fighting between themselves, and are simply an embarrassment to be seen with. Mealtimes are an extension of playtime, with a cacophony of stupid noises and mindless chatter about absolute garbage. They all stuff as much as they can into their mouths and chew with mouths wide open with food strewn everywhere. I've often wondered if we should ditch the dining table in favour of a trough.

When they are getting ready for school in the morning, they crowd into the kitchen and leave crumbs, crusts and dirty cutlery everywhere. They seem to be always under foot!!

I just hate being around them and would be happier if I had nothing to do with them. I readily acknowledge that it's most likely a lack of discipline that causes them to be this way, but it's not my place to correct their behaviour. The idiot that helped conceive them should be doing that. I truly love their mother, but I often wonder if its worth having to deal with them.

As with most of the other posters here, I resent the hell out of them, but feel guilty for it!!

Stupidlyoptimistic's picture

I have three SK. Two girls (7 & 9), and one boy (6). I also have a son (3). The girls are no problem. I will admit that the oldest is my favorite. She is a sweetheart and wants to help with everything. The middle child is kind of standoffish but still sweet. The only issue I really have with the girls is that they are messy. I know all children can be, but they are old enough to pick up after themselves. I was raised by parents who demanded respect and responsibility. Not my SKs. I feel like the evil stepmom a lot because I make them come back and clean up. I hate feeling like I'm constantly fussing at them, but I am not a maid, and it is a full time job to keep the house clean when all four kids are here. My SS6 is a whole different animal. I have never bonded with him. He is a momma's boy, and it shows. At first I thought maybe I had issues with him because of my son, but I quickly realized that it wasn't just me. His sisters can't stand him, my DH can barely tolerate him, and many family members have commented on his behavior, lack of manners, and disrespectfulness. He is very rude and down right mean. There have been times when I was afraid to let my DS3 be alone in the room with him. SS has ran my son down in the cul-de-sac with his bike, pushed him off the 4' high bed, hit him, etc. he shows no remorse when he inflicts pain on a child half his age. However, when my son stands up for himself and fights back, SS comes crying and tattling. I used to be really hard on my son when SKs were here so no one would think I was playing favorites, but I quickly stopped when I realized my then 2 yr old was getting in trouble for things that the others were doing with no consequences. Screw that! DH and I have many conversations about discipline. I'm ok with being the main disciplinarian with DS, but I shouldn't have to be the bad guy all the time with my SKs. I have weeks when I dread my SKs coming because of the chaos and messes that are left for me. On the rare occasion that SS doesn't come with his sisters, the whole dynamic is different. I'm fine with the girls, but the boy drives me crazy! I do remind myself that the behavior problems are due to not being disciplined at BM's house and the fact that he is now sharing DH with another boy who is here 24/7. I am sympathetic, but the disrespectfulness is not tolerable at all! DH spoke to BM about it, and she said she spanks him. However, if DH even looks at SS cross-eyed, BM makes threats about calling CPS. also, SS has already learned to lie to get others in trouble. His sisters told us that he lies to BM all the time to get his sisters in trouble. He also lies to BM about DH being mean to him. I'm here, and I know for a fact that DH has not done the things SS says to BM. Luckily the girls will take up for DH. Ugh! If SS is this bad now, what will he be like as a teen? I've already let DH know that if my son winds up in the ER because of SS, he will not be welcome here again. This kid scares the hell out of me. Thankfully, my son is tall and strong for his age, and SS is small, so DS can and has put SS in his place when being bullied. }:)

prisirocks09's picture

I have two SDs and they suck. I can't stand them and I feel bad about it because I love my BF to death but his kids are little scumbags - sorry, not sorry. At one point in our relationship, they called me mom. They still do but I tell them not to every time. I have my own daughter that's their age, 7YO, and a sibling they all share, which is my 1 month old.

I was pretty close to them, but the older they get the more they just become such pains in my ass. They write on my walls - with marker - they're rude, disrespectful and seriously conniving. They run and tell their mother everything that goes down in our am I supposed to feel at home around them?? I'm not allowed to discipline them either. No, I have no intentions of wipping a belt to their legs, but I would put them in timeout before if they were bad and it was fine. They would listen and respect me. Now though, theyre mother tells me its not my place, I'm not their mother, blah blah. Damn right I'm not, thank the almighty heavens above - but if I was, they sure as shit wouldn't be such bratty little c***s!

I told my BF I simply hate his kids - today as a matter of fact. And if he wishes to end our relationship because of this I totally understand, since I wouldnt take that from anyone with my own two girls. I would understand him if he decided to leave. I am FULLY aware that they're just kids, but that a load of shit, personally. Kids learn how to do many many things early on in life - why would anyone say they're innocent little people?? Uhhh, noooo..they're just little, but theyre still people - with attitudes and they very well know wtf theyre doing.

I also hide away in my room every other horrible weekend of my life so I don't evenhave to hear their voices - but knowing they're in my house, eating my food, sitting on my couch, sharing my daughter's room which they think is also just makes me wanna shoot myself in the face.

YES, I knew they existed before I hooked up with him. YES, I was fully aware of the choices I was making at the time. It's not my fault though that they're growing into rude little fucks and I want nothing to do with them. I dont have to love them or like them and I dont. Theres not one ounce of love in my heart for them and I hate it. I just can't care for them. They are not mine, and not only that, but they just suck as people.

SOOOO glad I found this site and I'm not alone. I thought I was going to hell - still am, probably, but in any case you'll all be there with me! Smile

cornerbarr's picture

I am with you all the way. I admire the courage to tell him that you hate them ! So happy to find this site, let the feelings roll.

Lucienne's picture

" I am FULLY aware that they're just kids, but that a load of shit, personally. Kids learn how to do many many things early on in life - why would anyone say they're innocent little people?? Uhhh, noooo..they're just little, but theyre still people - with attitudes and they very well know wtf theyre doing."

I'm so happy to hear someone else voice this - why are children never held accountable? Why do they never have to explain their appalling behaviour? I'm going to lose it the next time I hear "but they're only children"!

I have two boys who have been raised to understand respect, love, good behaviour etc, I am beyond sick of hearing that "its their mother's fault, they are not to blame".

justthegirlfriend13's picture

So just like everyone else is saying, I'm glad I found this forum! I had tried to connect with others on some other step mom forums, but as usual in most of society, the majority of moms consider the kids to be the center of the universe and how dare we actually say anything bad about the step kids! So, this place is a really a welcome relief. I do have a different kind of thought though and wanted to get others opinions,

As my username states, I am just the girlfriend at this time of 3 1/2 years but that is due to the fact that by BF refuses to do anything to accommodate me and meet both of our needs. I will NOT move into his house even though he wants me to because he refuses to compromise with regards to his kids. It is his way or the highway only and I won't put up with it. His kids rule the house (9 and 11) and I raised my daughter (20) with a hell of a lot more rules and structure than that. I don't necessarily hate his kids as they are pretty good kids and for the most part stay to themselves when they are there, but I more resent him for not wanting to include me in decisions with regards to the kids (extra visitation times, discipline, structure, house rules, etc.) So..... the situation of blended families, I have come to understand that no matter what step-moms/ the other woman feels, the kids will always come first, however in trying to find the fine line, at what point is it not okay for the step mom/ partner to be put on the "backburner" for the kids? Where do we fit in to be able to not feel "put out" and in those situations, how do you deal? Do step moms/ partners always just automatically have to accept the fact that they will always be second while the kids are growing, or is there a middle ground that can be had and if so, how and where do you find that middle ground at? Lastly, what if the dad is not willing to compromise?

I get to the point where I feel as if my BF either does not love me enough or does not want me to move in bad enough to make any changes, but then that opens up a whole new issue in terms of our relationship. I love him very much, but is it really an issue of him not loving me enough to want to compromise or is it truly just the divorced dad guilt that overrides everything else, including the future of his relationship with his GF/ wife, whatever!? These sorts of things just magnify my existing trust issues anyway and I really wonder about the future of our relationship.

Would love to hear others opinions on this.

angzrae's picture

It's so REFRESHING to hear I am not the only "bad" stepmom! lol!! I can't stand my stepkids either. I immediately go into stress mode even thinking about them coming over here. I wish their mom would take them and move to another state!!

justshutup's picture

I have a 15 year old step kid I hate, loathe. Yesterday I caught him blowing a snot rocket all over my stairs after asking the two younger kids they say he's been doing it, and threatens them. I was so mad I barely slept last night. He is rude mean and disrespectful.I told him do it again and you can go live with your grandma. I don't ask for much but shooting snot all over my house has me enraged.

hibernator's picture

Totally hear you. My ASD9 (adopted by my husband and his ex sd 9) isn't really BAD. . . just whiny and personalityless. I teach and have better and more rewarding relationships with my students than with her.

I just find her annoying or boring. I tried to get involved, but her AM (adoptive mother, my husband's ex) and my husband made that clear that it wasn't welcome (not verbally, but when every plan or thing I did was turned down, discouraged or rejected, I got the message). So I don't do anything for or with her anymore. I've adopted my new favorite strategy-- I call it the "Not my kid!" Method.

I throw her laundry on the stairs (and only do it if its put in with ours, otherwise it can sit on her floor til it rots for all I care), I don't buy her clothes, books, snacks, or toys, not even Christmas or birthday presents, I won't go to her games or school events, I won't buy anything from her fundraising, I don't save her anything yummy we cook or bake, I don't care that she never eats vegetables or that her hair is one giant grease slick, I won't watch movies with her, I don't make any special plans to include her in activities she may like to join us in. I don't cook too often, but I definitely don't cook when she's here. I don't help her with homework and do not care if she doesn't understand it (despite the fact that I teach the very same subjects). And anytime I have a concern about her, I mentally dismiss it with a shrug and an under-the-breath comment of "Not my kid, not my problem!" and walk merrily on my way.

If she's in my house, I am polite to her. If she's ungodly obnoxious, I tell my husband to please go deal with that (and he usually does). If he doesn't, I withdraw into my room with a good book or movie. I schedule things I enjoy when I know she's at our house-- extra work, manicures, shopping, dinner with friends, movies. If she doesn't clean up her stuff before she leaves, I pick it up and throw it out (or in the case of clothes, donate it to the clothing drive at my school).

I'm done with the battles, the whining, the crying, the irresponsibility, the helplessness. I simply refuse to care. It's not my kid. So I do the things that make ME happy, and do my best to keep her from taking any of my energy. If I spend more than two seconds dwelling on some ASD issue, I mentally separate myself from it, and if it really does require action, I ask myself what will make ME happy and then do that thing. Her wants, needs, desires, problems, issues, anything at all are not my problem or concern. Not my kid. Not my problem.

The only reason I am posting? I can't seem to dismiss the anger for having to hide in my own home when she is here. It is MY house, why can't SHE go to her room for the next 8 hours? (Probably the only time my husband doesn't back me on ASD related issues).

. . . but while I was typing this, she got her whiny ass sent to bed early (for, you guessed it, whining!), so I have the house back for the remainder of the night! Woohoo!

cornerbarr's picture

So freaking glad to know my feelings are normal. I am so ashamed to say I can not stand my skids, I pray for answers and try hard to force my self to be nice, its so bad I can not look at them at all. Thank you for this site that I may vent with out judgement cause we all already know its a wrong feeling. I love my husband and hope skid leave soon.

dfrtgy's picture

Few weeks ago i saw a testimony about a spell Therapist of some sort in a blog,I visited for
relationship and dating counseling problems because i had been having serious issues with my
boyfriend and we had been dating for nine months,he just suddenly changed,he was returning my calls,he started cheating,he was hurting me in so many ways i never thought possible and I just thought I should try it maybe out of desperation of some sort and I contacted Therapist Oniha of the At first everything felt dreamy and unbelievable,his consultations and solution was a little bit easy and strange and I was scared a little cos I heard read and heard lots of stories of fake spell casters,scams and i never really believed in spell. I played along with a little hope out of frustration and faith,it worked like a miracle,everything went to a while new direction,it was and is amazing... I guess it was all good faith that made me read That particular post that directed me to Therapist Oniha on that faithful day..I hope he could help other people too like he did to help me... I did a little and I got everything I wanted and wished for my husband,my family and my life back,i am so happy believing in my faith.

Tranquility81's picture

I am so glad I found this thread. I'm brand new here and this is the first thread I clicked on.

I am not quite at the hating/repulsed point yet, but I can see it getting there soon. I desperately don't want that to happen so I'm committing to myself today to change ( i realize that's wishful thinking )

So I ask, if you had the knowledge that you would one day feel this way about your step kids is there anything you could have done ( besides leaving ) to prevent this? More specifically than disengaging?


Have you talked to your partner if he/she feels the same way about your kids? Just curious. This thread has totally got me thinking that my husband could potentially feel the same way.

Sparklelady's picture

Excellent question! Actually, I would say that it should be topic all on its own!

First and foremost, I would not, even for one second, have TRIED to parent my husband's kids. I would have treated them as my bio son's sleepover guests, as an example. People who are in the house, who are guests of my house, but to whom I am neither parent nor a guardian. As guests in my home, I would of course expect them to follow our basic family rules. But I would not be slightly concerned with any other things that are occurring within their lives.

I would never, ever, ever ever ever, engaged with their mother at any point in time for any reason. She is not my mistake. She is his mistake. (maybe this should be point number one!) It doesn't matter if she's horrible or not - in my case, my husband's ex-wife IS horrible with a capital H. But MY ex-husband's wife is not! Either way, there is no need for any contact.

We share our kids 50/50 with our exes. I would insist that my husband schedule 1 to 2 hours of every weekend that we had his children, to be with them exclusively. Maybe even more! I would not subscribe to the romantic notion that we needed to be a "family" and do family stuff. All the time.

I would not, let me repeat NOT, get involved in anyway with anything unless my husband specifically came and asked me for assistance.

So having said all of this (and frankly I'm sure there's a lot more I could list!) I can tell you that in my opinion the only way to keep your marriage strong, is to be able to come to these conclusions and discuss them openly with your spouse. Some marriages of course will not stand a chance. Some biological parents just couldn't possibly understand or empathize with the stepparent and see how these situations can be so difficult for them. Some biological parents just feel too much guilt, and can never see their children for what they are. Some biological parents are still under the thumb of their former spouses. Any of those situations, will make it incredibly difficult for a new spouse to create a new life with that partner.

But, if you are fortunate to have a spouse with a clear understanding of reality, then you just might be able to save your sanity and have an incredibly strong and happy marriage!!

Best of luck to you!

Lucienne's picture

I thought I was alone, I'm relieved that this is an international problem!

My DH's kids have spent the last TWO YEARS lying, saying that I physically abuse them, that their father just stands around and watches whilst I do this and now we get a letter from their mother saying he can't see them unless he complies with their demands!!!!! :jawdrop:

I love this man to distraction, I am not willing to just sit by and watch them (7 and 10) abuse him and our family. I refuse to stay in the bedroom - this is MY home!

Frustr8d1's picture

Stephater, I think YOU are the one who needs to take a class at a community college:

"Maybe you should of thought about that before marrying a father." The proper grammar is not "should of," it's "should HAVE."

BTW, this is not a site for stephaters. This is a site for skidhaters. Wink

Fine Dublin's picture

I've adopted - not my kids- not my problem nearly 2 years ago
It works
And wine

Helzbellz's picture

Thank god I've just found this website, thought I was the only one and that I must be deficient.
I loathe my ss's (13 & 19). They live with us and we have 2 boys ourselves (3 & 10 months). Bm is a total physco bitch who makes our lives a living hell. Dh has a daughter but lives with her bf she is estranged from dh following breakup of his marriage. She is a little bitch too has verbally threatened me in our home.
Ss 1 is lazy inconsiderate thoughtless who speaks to dh like he's trash telling him to f**k off in his face. He had a decent job but quit coz he "didn't like it" now stays in bed till after lunch (with his gf!!) eats us out of house and home and contributes nothing except generating mess which I'm left to deal with.
Ss2 is manipulative sneaky indolent selfish greedy and demanding. He tells tales to bm about how unfair we are when dh has actually attempted to discipline him. Went to court to get custody as bm moved away then failed to return him after contact visit citing emotional abuse.she lied excessively in an attempt to discredit us (even though as had chosen to live with us). Ss2 plays his parents off each other and causes no end of shit in an attempt to get his way. He has been spoilt beyond all measure (both parents fault) he has no appreciation of all the latest stuff he has he just wants the next new thing and has tantrums of epic proportion if doesn't get it. Dh too soft on both them it drives me nuts. Both swear and my 3yr old has started copying them. I'm terrified my boys will be influenced by them.
Can't believe we spent £20k getting custody of such an ungrateful spiteful horrid child

walther's picture

Wow thank goodness i'm not the only person in this world who cant stand there step kids. my DH is so good to my son who lives with us but when the night comes for his two brats to come over i feel sick and burn up with anger, they walk in don't even say hello and just take over all of a sudden its all about them. i cant stand it, My ss just is the most disgusting little >>>>>> ever !!! he started pooing and wetting his pants any time of day and when my DH would tell him of he would start to cry. he is 5 so shouldn't be pooing his pants or just wetting himself he knows when he is doing it to but just says oh hang on a minute stops and poos himself or when he wets him self he starts running around in a circle and pee's every were , when we tell him to go clean up he then smears it all over the bathroom , which makes me wont to vomit. he is just disgusting and i hate him being in my house.if we tell him of for anything else can be just something silly he just burst into tears, my SS also started pooing her pants but we have gotten her to stop by taking away pocket money and making her miss out on nice treats like ice cream at the park but she can be such a lira , she is the first one to tell on one of the other kids or will make up a story. she acts like a little princess but really she is just a little b***h. she is also very fat! she is 7 and weighs 40.5kg, she eats like a pig, she sweats as she is so big she cant run or ride a bike up a hill, she just grosses me out. we limit the amount of food we give making sure its all healthy etc but then she goes to her mothers house and they stuff her full of crap drives me crazy,If we go out im always telling her to go put her hair up as her hair is so scruffy she looks like cousin it!!. His kids drive me made and we have them 50% of the time. how do i get rid of my hatred towards them??? can anyone help with any advise

Generic's picture

Your stepkids seem to have multiple health (physical and mental) problems. I hope they are getting proper care.

Urbanchick's picture

I can't stand my soon to be Step Sons. Lazy and all they do is watch TV. I know I should leave, but I love the Dad. It may just not be enough.

ncgal1980's picture

I've never said this out loud, but if I'd known how bad my skids were before my DH and I got married, I think we would've just dated indefinitely. Oh GOD how I wish I had another home to go to when they come over!

Trust me, it WON'T get better. As time goes on, it just gets worse, from what I hear. I'm six months into my marriage, and it hasn't improved one bit.

yogiboo587's picture

Hi, I'm new here but I can definitely agree with you and everyone else here. I feel tortured every damn day of my life because I put me and my children in this position thinking....well hoping we had a chance at being a BIG happy family. NOTE AT ALL!!! Me and my 3 children ABSOLUTELY loathe living here with them and its gotten to the point that I loathe my bf too but now I have no way out. Nowhere to go and no means to get there. I have never been so disappointed with myself in my life. I should've ran like hell and left him and his lying thieving annoying ass kids in the dust. I hate them all but more than anything I hate myself for so carelessly giving up my own place and moving in together them. Some days I feel like I would be better off dead. There is no bright light at the end of the tunnel, No one to swoop in and save us from this hell, and no damn sure no future as a family because I don't want one. I can't stand to hear their damn voices, running up and down the damn steps all day, blasting the damn TV like they're deaf, stealing my children's things, lying to teachers and counselors at school, copying everything thing. UGHHHH!!! Im just at the point to where i rarely talk to them. If they're in one room I go to another. I don't do any activities with them and try to ignore them at all cost. The worse are school breaks. I feel like I'm gonna lose my damn mind. I Just WANT TO GET AS FAR THE HELL AWAY FROM ALL OF THEM AS POSSIBLE.....PERIOD!!!

Rach2687's picture

Omg. I taught I was evil bitch for thinking this way. I'm so glade there all you. I am 26, have a wonderful 2.5 year old that I absolutely love with everything I have. He is cute,funny,loving and so smart and well mannered. My fiancé and I began living together full time about year ago. ...just this past couple months I have this hate towards his 4 year old . His son frustrates me so bad ....he is bad doesn't listen eats like a pig is always so sloppy , you can understand him and my son do t like him cause he thinks he is a idiot to and gets upset cause bf son pushes hits and is mean taking my sons toys. My bf son doesn't listen at all for example before dinner wants a cookie I say no after, he goes and gets them I get upset yell make him go in time out and my fiancé I'll one out like what I'd u do kissing him and letting him have the cookies and never punishing him . Andill do same if he hits my son and again same thing over ad ,y fiance will tell my son don't b a wimp ..hit him back . My fiancé has a 11 year old daughter as well . I love her like my own she never gives meroblems we go shopping and its fine with her. It's just my finances son. Further my fiance has two different baby mom as so I'm thinking maybe my hate for his sons baby mom makes me more so to not like his son. She is a lazy , waste of space useless mother. Further , maybe this all came on lately because we have heard she doesn't want her son anymore and my fiancé says he can live with us full time and that makes me wanna run run run , cause hell no . Also he use to have his son every other weekend but she can't handle her own son so always calls my fiancé to please come get him she can't take it so we have him every weekend and some days during the week. What also drives ,e nuts is in weekends when his kids are here he sleeps in until noon making me take care of all them and this devil child. Should I this normal

Rags's picture

You can do nothing to control your anger and rage? I call bullshit. Your behavior is a choice. So own it and fix it and quit making excuses.

edm's picture

I have a 15 year old step daughter that lives with us. She is the most lazy, ungrateful, selfish, conceited ill-mannered kid I ever met. Whenever she gets in trouble or gets asked to do something she's suddenly sick or has a big project due. My husband seems to not see the act but I'm not stupid. She got in trouble and then her leg hurt. She got in trouble and then her stomach hurt. Yesterday she got asked to take the garbage out and suddenly she was not feeling well. But she felt good enough to stay after school and do cardio for 3 hours. I keep telling myself, 3 more years, 3 more years. She is just like her mother, quick to try and make you look stupid infront of other people. Plus she makes things up for no good reason. I don't know how many times I've heard the story that her Mom's friend is the daughter of the founder of Google. Yeah, cause the founders of Google are the same age as your mom so how would they have a kid the same age as themselves. I especially love when she tells a story about me and tries to make me look bad, which are totally untrue. I've finally started saying "No actually that never happened". She's a compulsive liar. I've told my husband that if she doesn't stop making up stories and trying to make other people look bad someone is going to try and beat her up. He uses excuses, kids do that, she's a good kid. She gets good grades so I'm ok with her getting in trouble every once and a while. I don't care about good grades. They are the expectation. Just cause you get good grades doesn't mean it's ok to lie. 3 More Years!

ncgal1980's picture

I'm glad I'm not the only one dealing with this. I just got married last summer to a man I absolutely adore, and I have two sons (ages 4 and 9). My DH has three boys (ages 9, 8, and 7). We have this kids every other week, so two weeks a month I have five boys in my house, all under the age of ten.

My kids are no angels, certainly. They're kids, and sometimes they do and say really stupid stuff. My skids, though? OH DEAR GOD. I don't know where to begin with them.

They really don't do anything in particular that's all that bad, but just hearing them come through the door makes me want to run the hell away and never come back! They're loud, immature (they talk and act less mature than my 4-year-old), VERY messy, disrespectful, and flat-out ignore everything I say. By the time they leave our house, it's totally trashed, and if I don't say anything, DH usually doesn't make them do anything to clean up after themselves.

For the first few months, I'd spend several hours after they left cleaning up, going from room to room, picking up toys and trash, and putting everything back where it belongs. These kids can't even remember to shut the refrigerator door or turn the damn water off at the bathroom sink! I've never seen anything like it in my life. Everywhere they go, they leave a trail of destruction, and DH doesn't like it, but seems hesitant a lot of the time to say anything to them about it. I think he feels guilty about divorcing their mom (even though she initiated the separation and divorce) and just doesn't want to be too strict with them. He bends over backward for them at every turn, indulging every stupid whim they can come up with, and they take full advantage of it, believe me.

So in the beginning, I kept my mouth shut and cleaned up after them. Then DH started criticizing every little thing my 9-year-old did or said. It was around that time I stopped keeping quiet about all the crap his precious little snowflakes do. I shouldn't, but now I take great pleasure in pointing out how many times I've had to clean and flush toilets because his kids can't take a piss without getting it all over the damned thing. I point out the trash left everywhere, the dirty clothes strewn about the house, the candy wrappers stuffed under their beds, the toys left outside to be ruined in the weather.

Okay...maybe the kids DO do specific things that irk the hell out of me!

I had no idea before my DH and I got married how these kids truly were. Their mother lives like a slob and has no rules whatsoever at her house. Her van looks like a rolling landfill. My son rode in it once and said he never wanted to get near it again. He said it smells like vomit and the floor in it is covered in "old food and barf." My skids live this way every other week, then come to our house and trash the place.

My DH says "Oh well, they can't help it because it's what they're used to at their mom's house." My response was, "They're all old enough to understand that that may be the way it is there, but it's NOT going to fly here."

My kids were raise to be polite and respectful of others. It seems to physically pain my skids to say "please" or "thank you." NOBODY expects any sort of respect out of them. When they want something, they just walk up to the nearest adult and demand it. They learned pretty damn quick that that won't work with me. I just walk away like they hadn't said anything to me.

At least with me, they now say "please" and "thank you." They know they won't get anywhere otherwise! They still behave like barnyard animals with everybody else, but they're not my kids, so I can't invest a whole lot of concern in it. You have to pick your battles.

My biggest concern at this point is that my kids have started adopting the attitude of "if they can't get away with it, so can I." They've started being sloppy and messy, and are forgetting their manners. I've had to remind them point-blank (in front of both DH and skids) that just because SOME people don't have manners and can't clean up after themselves doesn't mean I'm about to allow them to behave the same way. DH doesn't like it, but I'm beyond the point of giving a damn. I'm responsible for raising my two sons, and I don't want them to grow up like my horrid skids.

I wish I'd spent more time around the skids before DH and I got married. I truly had no idea before we got married (we lived separately until after the wedding) how horrible they really are. They were always on their best behavior around me before the wedding, then afterwards, the truth came out. UGH what a nightmare it was, realizing what I'd gotten into. If I'd known how bad they were, honestly, I would've reconsidered marrying my DH. As much as I love him, sometimes it's just too much to bear.'s picture

This sounds terrible, but I leave, I have left to my girlfriends every other weekend for an entire year:( of course my marriage is shit, my sex life non existent but hey I've learned a valuable lesson, next time, I won't date a man with children, unless they are older and out of the house. My husband and I have become so resentful over my leaving that our marriage is almost over I think, I don't blame him, it has just been more then I bargained and I'm not wrong for making a bad choice, obviously he has made bad choices in the past his his wife he was married to for 6 months, and who got pregnant intentionally. My advice to anyone not married but hating there mans kids...DONT STAY and don't get married, then he only gets worse ladies

unreal perception's picture

I just hope everyone can see and know deep down that it is not the skids fault. Whatever the circumstance or condition, the Bio parents are to blame. The skids did not ask to be in that position. Bio parents can be really stupid assholes!!!

Lizzy14's picture

I have to agree to some extent. They have to be in control of their kids, teach them right from wrong, teach them that they have to respect others and their property, etc.

We have lots of conversations (with bf) about appropriate behavior, and how we cannot control what his ex does in her house, but we have rules that must be followed. He has a very, um, "relaxed" way of parenting. I see it more like letting them do whatever they want...and that has recently changed. They just have to learn how to survive in the real world! And to give them the best chance...they need a certain amount of social skill. They have to learn that at home! And that, in my opinion, IS the job of the bio parent. The kids should never, never, never be "dumped" on the step-parent! This should be the choice of the step parent IF they want to deal with someone else's kid.

Now, I do realize that we all knew about the kids when we were dating the bio parent. However, what I have found out (too late) is that living with them and setting rules for a whole new house is more challenging than I thought it would be. I did not realize how odd their living arrangement and personalities were until we were all under the same roof. My bad call...I get that. Which is why I am willing to back out of this if I can. However, my bf has made lots of positive changes, helping the kids immensely, actually. So, especially if his son moves out when he turns 18, we might have a shot at making this work.

Sorry so long. Just wanted to address the idea that it's not the kids' really is up to the bio parents to take the responsibility to parent their child. Setting limits, rules, bedtimes, and respect...those, among others, are so important. It's not fair to a child, or anyone that has to deal with that child, from step-parent, to teacher, to a stranger on the street or in a restaurant, to not teach them these things. I know it's not easy, but it is one of the things that comes along with having children. Otherwise you end up with children that are hard to be around and that may not function well in society. That's just the reality. It has to start at home.
Sending positive energy to everyone dealing with these very difficult situation.
*Albert Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting a different result...

farmgirlA's picture

OMG! Relief... I found people with my issues! Please allow me to vent for a bit.

My boyfriend and I have known each other our whole lives. I dated him briefly in high school and always had a huge crush on him. now 20+ years later, here we are. We have gone through obstacles in our lives and were lead back to each other. I was married 13 years and have a son 8 and two daughters 13 and 14. He was also married and has an 8 year old daughter.

I loved her at first and now I get nautious when I know shes coming. My bf and his ex allow their daughter to decide who she stays with and when. Um, she's 8! but yes she makes the calls! My problem with her is that when she wants something she doesn't ask, she expects it. and if she doesn't get it she will proceed to demand and demand and demand. Each time her tone gets whiny and bossier. when she feels her dad should have already given in she gets mad and punches him and bites him. Shes left marks on him just from hitting, not to mention the bite marks. we have her more than her mother. my bf pays child support every week to his ex and still still asks for $ which he ends up giving to her. then we get his daughter and her mother will have forgotten to pick up her asthma meds that are not cheap. What the hell is she spending her child support on then? she doesn't buy her clothes, we do or she gets hand me downs. then her mother has the audacity to ask my bf to buy a $2000 horse for his daughter. Im sure its because his ex wants it and is using his daughter as an excuse. he hasnt bought it yet but im sure he will.
back to the kid... she doesnt pick up after herself, she over talks me when im talking. if he and i are cuddling she gets between us. if were walking holding hands she will rip my hand out of his and hold his hand. if hes hugginf me she has to be touching him somehow.
when i cook she wont eat. shes the pickiest eater in the world and wastes everything. she will open soda after soda and let them sit but blames it on my kids. she constantly whines about everything. then as soon as its bed time she wants to call her mom. so she calls her then cries from 8pm-? about wanting to stay with her mother. We get up at 4 for work, im unrested and about to break mentally. she makes herself sick crying to get attention. he will not punish her but yet he points out to my kids when they do wrong and gets on me for not following through with my punishments. but half the time my kids dont deserve to be punished because its not them its her!

then theres nights where she wants to sleep with us. first of all my kids dont sleep with me. it would be odd to have my kids and my bf in bed. so i feel odd with his kid laying next to me. not to mention she kicks me all night and on purpose im sure. so she will weezle her way into daddys heart and our bed when i go to shower. needless to say im left with no pillow, no covers and the edge of the bed and no sleep while princess is curled up next to daddy warm and snoozing.

then on top of it i have to hear about his ex all the time. if its not his daughter talking about her its him talking about how so and so sold him this horse because his ex wanted and they didnt want her to have it. or how his exes family likes him and thinks shes nuts... whatever!

i told him the other day that everything and anything that has to so with her needs to be let go or else we wont make it. im not jealous by any means... i just get tired of hearing about the past when im trying to have a future with the man i love.

it pisses me off because his daughter and or his ex will piss him off at times and me and my kids arethe ones he takes it out on.

i know my grammar and typing is not accurate but i am venting and theres no time for accurate spelling lol

his daughter is coming tonight and im sure the next 2 weeks will be hell or until she decides she wants mommy. which reminds me the other night she cried for him to come get her and he did. he drove 20mins to go pick her up and 20 min back. then as soon as she gets out of the car shes already crying for mommy. she cried and threw tantrums for 3 hours. finally he was so mad he got back in the car and took her back to her mom another 20 to take her and 20 mins back. really?

i tried once to kindly get her quiet from her tantrum because we had to be up at 4 for work but she cried over top what i was saying and only addressed her daddy, like i wasnt there or talking to her. he said nothing! when he tells my kids something i make sure they listen and I enforce what he says. but the little princess never has to listen!

Im so fed up! it has me to the point i get sick and nervous when i know shes coming because i know he will be in a bad mood and she will be whining. so then my kids and i will be the outsiders and everything will be taken out on us!


Lizzy14's picture

Thank-you SO much for sharing! I am a normal person, I even have 2 grown children of my own, but have been living with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years...and have almost identical least the horrible feelings toward his well as LIVING in my room or at friend's houses when they are with him. They are here every weekend, except for one. Thursday through Sunday...his ex made sure he got the weekends. It's horrible. Again, they aren't horrible kids, although his son is Autistic and has some disturbing behavior (he has no respect for personal space, will sit in the dark alone doing nothing, as well as sit and just stare at you). I can't believe there are others with this problem as far as step kids go. At this point, I'm just glad we didn't get married. The kids, and the anxiety they cause, has created so many has actually come between us a few times. The one thing we have going for us is that my bf truly loves and cares for me...and although he doesn't understand my anxiety about the kids, he tries his best to support me. It's just incredible that I found your post! And then to see others doing the same thing, feeling the same just really helped me a lot. I have totally lived in my room, I have taken off as soon as they get there (we share a car right now), I have even spent nights at friend's houses. I'm lucky to have a bathroom that is just ours so I can really stay in my room for everything but fixing food and morning coffee. I really am glad my bf listens to me and tries to make things better. We have had conversations about chores, manners, and appropriate behavior for kids their age. His son will be 18 in a few months and is still in HS, has no job, no friends, and doesn't drive or even want to. He was told last week he had to get a job or volunteer ONE day a week and he had a freaking fit. I'm glad I wasn't there. Spoiled and entitled. It's ridiculous. But again, bf is working on it at least. I don't know how this will turn out. I hate that this happened. I really am trying to work on it in therapy, however, it's like a phobia, and I know it will take time to make progress. I really am doing everything I can do...and I am willing to move if necessary. That also poses other problems, as I'm a full time college student and don't have a lot of money to just get my own place. Plus, I feel quite resentful that I even have to consider that! I'm not saying it's right, I'm just saying that I appreciate your post and the fact that I'm not the only one. I never saw this happening, but it is happening. Best of luck to you, and everyone dealing with "blended" families. The challenges sometimes seem quite insurmountable.

LIFE IS HARD's picture

I too cant stand my stepson, I have a step daughter that I adore. It is just the 9 y/o stepson that I cant stand. He is so disrespectful, does not mind at all, he is a bully to my son. My son is 12 but has a disability he was born with and he is more at the maturity level of a 9 or 10 year old, he does receive help at school and medically etc... he is very sweet and loving, a very poor reader and slow to learn. Anyway step son is super duper smart, book smart that is, he is so mean to my son, he calls him stupid and makes fun of him often, he is very rude and mean to him. He brags to other kids that my son is afraid of him, and that just isn't ok w/ me. I have never liked a bully and I have tried to teach my children we always look out for the underdog and help them and be kind to them because you never know when you might be in that same place and want someone to be nice to you. My husband will punish his golden boy occasionally but not always, he says oh they are just kids and this happens. Well I agree they are kids and this happens but this is our home too and my son gets bullied enough at school and I want him to feel loved and safe in our home period. He has to deal w/ all the assholes outside of there but home should be a place for peace. I don't really like the term skids, it seems somewhat inappropriate but it does make me laugh. Sense of humor still intact at times, lol. Anyway I find myself hibernating in my bedroom when they are there and what usually happens is my stepdaughter and my son stay in the bedroom w/ me and his rotten son stays in the living room with him. I don't like it but there has to be some rules, I just cant do this. I too want to run away sometimes, just leave and don't look back. Its Friday and they will all be at my house when I get home from work, Yay me!!

LCaste's picture

I'm pretty fortunate and get along fairly well with my step-kiddos, especially my SD(6). My SS(10) and I coexist, but we aren't really buddies. But both of them will ( on occasion) turn into huge, clingy babies. They hang all over DH, tell him they love him every 2 minutes, ask him to do things they are totally capable of doing on their own, etc, etc. I used to hide in the bedroom, because they drive me crazy when they are in baby mode (seriously, the whiny voices- it's like nails on a chalkboard!!) but the bedroom hiding caused issues with DH. Now if I sense the skids are in a clingy daddy mode, I hide in the kitchen and bake. It works out great. The kids never hang out in the kitchen, so I get alone time without seeming like I'm being dramatic. And DH thinks I'm so sweet for baking treats for him and the kiddos. Fortunately, we only have the skids every other weekend and they are usually fine, so I only have to of this sometimes. If the skids lived with us my weight would probably double lol

Dainbramage's picture

Just new here. Reading all these posts about how much you hate your step children.
All i care to contribute is that the "annoyances" are telling you that you are threatened by the attention that you would otherwise get from your significant other. See alot of 'yous' in that last sentance? Thats right its selfish. Its what you do to get all you can for yourself and your "spawns". Now lets say you " marry into" as some would say some extra children. What your first reaction? Go sociopath and pretend you are there for their benefit. Once you realise you cannot controll them like you always have your "perfect" children spawned from you, you start to repress them. When you realise the strong minded ones cannot be be repressed your next step is to deliver an ultimatum and make a grown man who has probably been putting in just as much effort(maybe more) into making actual relationships(not bonding, that is a cheap word for simple people that want control) with the people that you want to succede.
Now if have personally seen a neurotic sociopath(please excuse the pathetic college terms) completeley disown her own flesh and blood because her daughter knew her true character, and was having trouble with real life because of her own mothers' false beliefs and misguided morals. Lets not forget the money issues.
Now lets say you publically claim sevan children( - one) for political reasons. You lie like a meth head, and need so much attention that only your next of kin. The stripper druggy that ran away because she hooked in highschool finally comes home with promises of " ill be a good advocate if only you give me more money in your will(admitted to the other siblings that have jobs, ambitions, etc). Will go along with your schemes. Then you probably go after the winner. The moneymaker. The one that is just too damned honest for you to resist another removal. You dont care how much they do in your names sake, you just slander it like a . .. Tool. Think we know how this works putting boys over men, lieing tilll you can bareley keep it alll staight, etc. . .

Its a work in progress. Honestly i would have shot myself a long time ago if it wasnt for our father. What wisdom he left behind for us is enough to stop this childish ranting hoarseshit. Please read a book, a goodbook. How you interpret it is entireley up to you. And no it doesnt matter if you are religious or not its good advice. PERIOD

TakemySKIDS's picture

You're all very lucky that you can hibernate in your bedrooms when the skids are around. My partner likes to 'relax' on our bed even when the skids are visiting and sometimes even when his family is over - he goes and plays on his IPad in our bedroom leaving me in the lounge to entertain his family or with nowhere to go because him and his kids are playing a game on our bed.

From when I was young I've never liked anyone jumping on my bed(unless we were playing together) or worse still putting their feet or smelly arse on my pillow. I've told him repeatedly that i don't like the Skids to play on our bed or in our bedroom at all but it doesn't sink in. The skids room is filthy so he wouldn't play in there with them - I now refuse to clean up the room. They are 5 and 7 but have no concept of picking up stuff - of course I don't expect a full clean from them but I shut the door on their room so my 8 month old daughter doesn't go in there ever.

Sometimes I have nowhere to go - partner and skids are in our bedroom, the lounge has skids stuff in it and the only place i have is a bean bag in my daughter's very small bedroom. ..

We have a small house with a large deck and lovely garden but i have never seen the skids running around playing outside but they insist on running through the house. We have floor boards so it sounds like elephants running through the house. If they were 2 and 4 I would understand that little people tend to run most of the time.

I don't communicate with BM. I basically ignore her and let dad deal with her. I've tried to be nice to her so that we are not friends but can at least communicate (through dad) issues to with the kids as I genuinely want them to have acomfortable stay with us when they visit every other weekend.

The skids recently confirmed that mum tells them nasty stuff about me - have always suspected this but dad and his family defend BM saying she could never do such a thing - like wake up idiots. So I approched her about it in an email - she didn't respond. I find the kids awkward and rude when they refuse to talk to me or ask me for anything - even if it means they wait outside the toilet door for their dad to give them a yoghurt.

I'm beyond caring now - I have an adorable 8 month old who literally jumps up and down when she sees me so why should I care about kids who ignore me, been trained to not like me and even after knowing them 3 yaers each time I see them it's like starting all over again. It's exahausting.

We've had them 2 weekends in a row so far and the third weekend in a row I decided to leave town with my BD to visit my family. Guess what my partner says? 'pity you won't be here when the kids are here, I was thinking of moving their weekend visit to next week when youre back
" Like WTF. Your kids just told you they don't like me and their disrespectful and whinging has got me upset and you want us to have them for another long weekend???

To bio mums out there. Fine, you don't like us SMs. But here's some news, most of us have zero interest in being mothers to your bratty, whiny lil kids anyway...what baffles me the most is if you hate the SM so much is she really worth you making your children into awkward, rude, disrespectful whingers?? I hate my skids behaviour so much I'm scared my baby will feed off their bad behaviour and start ignoring us like they do me and their dad and start storming off and banging doors.

As for teh poster who said her SS had his arse wioped til he was 9 - my SS7 still calls out to his dad. It's only recently that he srtarted shitting with the door closed after i insisted it was disgusting for all of us to have to put up with his stench.

ThatEvilSM's picture

After this weekend ... (bees + Family pics) I just felt like my boiling point was reached... I dont like to feel hate, I honestly have not felt this way ever before~ but I want her OUT!!!! Sad

winebighappyfamily's picture

I totally get it!
When the skids come over, I either magically find errands as an excuse to leave, or hibernate in my room. I feel like they take over the house, and my bio teens and I are stuck in our rooms. I hate it. I wish I had a time machine so we could go back to living in our separate houses and dating. That was great. We each had our own time and space with our own kids, I wasn't an unappreciated maid to my skids, and I didn't have the disney channel on 24/7. God forbid they read a book or go outside and play!!!!

insane in indiana's picture

First of all thank you thank you thank you to whoever created this page because I really need to get this off my chest! I thought it was just me who felt this way and I actually Googled the phrase I hate my step children to get to here. I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one with these horrible feelings. I have 3 of my own children. They are 19, 17, and 15. 2 summers ago I was getting very excited about life and my future. My kids are almost grown and I was almost free to live my life any way I chose to. I had plans, big plans, and was soooo excited. step children's mother passed away very unexpectedly. ._o now I am a full time mother twin 5 year olds, a girl and a boy. When they came to us they were very neglected to the point of having severe developmental delays. The boy could not talk, still can barely talk, mostly grunts and moans and says half of each word he tries to speak, they weren't potty trained, they were and are still very wild like little animals. They destroy everything they touch, constantly stare at everyone, especially me, never stop talking about stupid stuff, are always in trouble at school for stuff like hitting other kids, pulling down their pants and underwear at school in front of everyone, the boy constantly plays with himself. And for well over a year weve been trying to teach him to chew with his mouth closed. He chews with his mouth as wide open as he possibly can open it. It makes me want to reach over and smack the crap out of him. Its the most disguting and irritating thing ever! The list of irritating things they do is never ending. I am to the point I absolutely HATE them. Every morning I wake up to the sound of their annoying voices, and them repeatedly slamming the door. I stay in my bed until noon to avoid seeing them and having to hear them tell me something stupid. To make matters worse, these kids are not even remotely cute...not at all, not in any sense of the word. We have talked with the teachers, pediatrician, counselors, pschiatrists, so far nobody has a clue what is wrong with them. The girl flaps her hands and arms constantly like she's autistic but they say she isn't because she's way too social and affectionate. Yeah, sounds sweet, but no...She's evil, during her first week living with us I caught her trying to smother her brother with her pillow when they were supposed to be going to sleep. She's peeling the paint off the walls, she rips hooks out of the walls, breaks all her toys and her brothers toys, and her big thing; she gets tremendous JOY from hurting my dogs and cats! She lies every time she opens her mouth and even her teachers have experienced this with her. I love my husband and don't want to leave him but I cannot see myself living like this for another 13 years or so. I really really can't. I figure the only way for my marriage to survive this is for us to live separate, he says there is no point in being married then. I am just so thankful to have found a safe place to vent. It's getting harder and harder for me to pretend to be the loving step mother when all I want to do is run away and never look back.

pitaskid's picture

You are not alone! I have a SD10 that I absolutey cannot stand. She is the biggest drama queen I've ever had the displeasure of encountering, and I fear it's only going to get worse as she gets older. Thank God my DH is with me on this 110%. SD10 gets on every f*cking last one of his nerves as well. Grateful that she is only here on weekends and lives with her bougie stuck up bitch of a mother. (probably who/where SD10 gets her bitchy-ass shitty attitude from)

She's been here since Friday afternoon and DH just left to take her home.... huzzah!!! I am celebrating like it's 19-freaking-99.

Survival tips I've learned over the years (this little piece of shit has been a part of my life since she was 2 yrs old):

1. Valium or Xanax for me on weekends (a lifesaver)
2. I have a very busy work schedule which oftentimes requires me to stay at the office late, go to the office on weekends, or work from home)
3. Locking myself in my bedroom - my personal sanctuary. If the door is closed, that means I am off-f*cking limits.
4. an understanding hubby.

anyone have additional survival tips? I'm getting ready to google "stepmom's survival kit" for some fresh ideas.

Hang in there SM's! Some days suck, some days not so much, some days you'll want to end it all and walk away with a suitcase of your belongings, never to see these pain in the ass SKIDS ever again.

Beaverhausen33's picture

I feel like some of us should be exchanging phone numbers to talk when we're at our boiling point. I had no clue so many other women felt the same as I do about Skids. It's my weekend right now to go through this shit and I lied and said I had papers to write for school so I didn't have to go to the amusement park with them. It's unbearable.

Clarity1010's picture

I am so glad I came across this! I thought I was the only one who couldn't stand their skids. I have 2, SS and SD. SS is rude and disrespectful. Constantly fighting with my BD, me and the SD. He gets in my face and yells at me anytime I ask him to do anything. Goes home and tells his mother that I am mean to him and his sister, all because I try to set rules in my house. SD is rude, whiny, a complete drama queen, and thinks she's grown and she's only 11. She flat out told me her mom said she didn't have to listen to me. Their mother has threatened me with physical harm based off of their lies! DH backs me up to an extent but it took him years to start doing it. I lock myself in my room but that only takes away time from my BD. I have a meltdown at least once a weekend when they are here and schedule myself to work on nights when they are here during the week. Now, he is starting to mention wanting them to come live with us. If this happens, I don't know how out marriage will survive. I cringe the minute they walk in the door and start counting the minutes until they leave. I have even went so far as asking dr for meds to deal and they don't want to give me anything stronger than Prozac. While I no longer cry all the time, I still get panic attacks all the time when they are here. I am at my wit's end here. Only thing that keeps me going is I know they won't be here forever. Few more years and they will be grown and I won't have to deal with them all the time anymore.

winefrenzy's picture

I too am glad that I came across this site. I have thought terrible things about myself because of the rage and hatred I feel toward my skids. The older one I get along with okay but only because she is compliant. The younger one is a replica of her crazy ass mother. Evrything these kids do annoys the crap out of me - even when they are being relatively normal. The SD15 snapchats every 5 seconds and I am not exxagerating by much. Dad asked her to unload the dishwasher and she snapped photos of herself unloading it the whole damn time! I had to go to my room to avoid saying something I would regret such as, "Who would want to see your ugly mug on their phone evry 5 seconds?"

I have not married their father after six years and I know it is in part because I feel like I still have an out if it gets too bad -at least I'm not stuck here. I keep thinking it will get better when the youngest is out in two years, but something tells me I will be forever burdened with them. Dad does a lot of sucking up because he feels guilty for breaking up their family.

I say I am upset because they don't lift a finger to help with anything in the house, but even if they did, I think I would still despise them. They are so different than my kids. I feel like my son and daughter are more mature, independent, and helpful. My kids have a terrific sense of humor too. I know mine are far from perfect, but when they do something wrong I can kick their ass into shape, when his are just irritating, what can I do? It is their personality. Can they really help that they get on my nerves? Not really.

This is so petty, but we live in a rural area where the internet is not very strong. I can rarely use it because the kids are sucking up the bandwith. Their dad just shrugs when I mention it. I pay the internet bill btw. Tonight I asked SD to stay off the Iinternet because I wanted to use it. I was proud of myself for doing that instead of seething in quiet.

Marie09's picture

I feel like I could've written this even though its like 2 years old! Glad I'm not the only one!

Rags's picture

I would never retreat from a kid behavioral issue in my own home. I confront them.

That said, there have been periods in my blended family marriage where I stayed at work late to avoid blended family drama during periods where issues were frequent. But, once home, I owned the solutions whether the SKid or my bride liked my solution or not. My bride had a choice. Step up and deal with the behavioral issues and discipline before I had to or bite her tongue until I had addressed the issue and we could discuss in in private.

DJKA's picture

I have actually created a countdown for the number of days that I have left to be with my SD. She is not a bad kid, but she is manipulative and her father doesn't see through it. When she comes to our house the ehe atmosphere changes. She is an only child and used to being catered to, and I have 4 children who I have taught to be self sufficient. I also have started hibernating in my room or have found reasons to take my biological children out alone. I can't stand the ridiculous attention put on this 13 year old girl, and I can't stand myself for being angry about it. I feel like a bad person. I pray things get better...

camobo's picture

Wow! I felt so much better reading a bunch of these. His kids are terrible. 14yr boy and 11yr girl. They don't shower, wash their hands, brush their teeth or flush half the time. I do the laundry so I know they don't change their underwear. Aside from them smelling terrible and having the bad manners that come with it they have other pretty serious issues. The ss14 isn't too terrible personality wise. .. he's just dumb and lazy. He gets all Fs since 1st grade. Honestly should've been held back at least once but no his mommy doesn't want to embarrass him. All is pretty embarrassing for her now because the high school isn't letting him in because his GPA is 0.06. It's mostly because he doesn't do any homework or school work. I can't even read his handwriting. Why is he so dumb? Because someone put a video game in front of him when he was 4 and that's all he does. I've taken the xbox away just to get him to brush his teeth and shower. He rolled around the living room floor moaning and grunting. All he had to do was clean himself. .. 5 hours later he finally did. I've given up on taking things away because his dad just folds almost right away. He doesn't even eat. Apparently his teeth "aren't made for meat" he literally only eats buttered noodles with a ton of salt or hash browns. He's disgusting to look at 5'6 and 95 pounds. Pale as a ghost with huge purple bags under his eyes. So bad so that his mom got called in to talk to a teacher about him looking malnurished. He doesn't listen even though we really only ask him to shower and not stay up all night. There's a fine line as a step patent (at least in my house) that I can't cross. After he fails to keep his promises and lies then it's up to the adults to take things away but I can't. The patents feel sorry for him? That's just dumb. Instead of threatening to take his electronics away how about we actuality do it. Not for a certain amount of days but until he shows progress and once he does he can have his stuff back but if he stays slipping again we take it again so he knows we're serious!!! On father's day he wanted a new video game and wouldn't shut up and kept bitching and moaning about how he's a good boy and should get what he deserves. Wow? I had to ask what makes you a good boy? You don't shower or get padding grades. You have no chores... so are you a good boy simply because you don't do drugs????? He gAve me the dirtiest look... well we went to game stop and guess what? The game didn't even come out for 3 months!!! Ruined your dad's whole father's day for nothing.

The sd11 is a scary nightmare. Has been since she was 3. She was spoiled rotten. She could day whatever she wanted and not be punished or even talked with. They would just give her what she wanted. She talks about sex and especially violence. She freaks out at the drop off a hat like for example we're having tacos not spaghetti. she threatens to kill herself and runs outside crying. What does dad do? Makes her spaghetti and I have to clean that up! I used to avoid her but that's impossible because despite me thinking she's a bad egg she thinks I'm cool. Only because I'm pretty good at arts and crafts, baking, and doing her hair. Now I don't ignore her but I call her out on her shit because she NEEDS to know. She gets suspended from school for being a bully. No one showed up to her birthday and apparently I was the only one who was brave enough to say look you are not nice to your "friends" last year you made two girls cry. Your teacher informs us regularly that you argue with nearly everything and often try to storm out of the classroom in tears. If you want friends you can't talk about how great you think you are or try to one up them. You have to give compliments and not EXPECT one in return. When grace got braces and glasses you called her a nerd. She said her dad says it makes her special so you respond with "that's not special!! Just means you have messed up teeth And bad eyes!" Then you're mad because you weren't invited to her birthday? I wouldn't invite you either. So she kinda is starting to get it but not really. She just lies to me now. She turns red, shakes, and over explains when she lies. She's horrible at it.

I failed to mention I have a 1yr old daughter with their dad. I had my baby shower on a weekend without the steps. The daughter was all well why wasn't I invited. Simple because I didn't want you there talking about how horrible babis are and make it all about you. She didn't say anything. I think she knew I was right. She begged to come to the hospital so we agreed. ..she rolled on the floor screaming and tried to open the window to jump out. When we were home she was fine but kept getting butt hurt that we wouldn't let her do things that she already knew was a no. Like bathe the baby, carry her around. Gosh I can vent about so much more like how I found porn on hey ipod or the way she insults and disrespects everyone. Good forbid we give anyone a compliment and she takes it as a personal insult. Her mother told me never to leave her alone with the baby just in case. The problem with these kids is they manipulate and rule their parents. At least their dad is realizing it and now we do fun things without them because he now can I see how they ruin everything. We went on vacation without them and had such a great time. They were pissed when they found out but hey if you're going to throw tantrums in public we aren't taking you anywhere!! Last weekend I came so close to slapping her across the face. Making my 1yr old cry and scream and then acting like you don't know why. I watched her tease my daughter with her blankies (her favorite things ever) and then shoved them behind the couch. When I asked why she did it she said they were in her way. Then got mad at me because I "never take her side" maybe if you were right once in a while. .. then continued to slam shit

JustAgirl42's picture

I didn't have time to get through your whole post, but I can say this from what I've read so far - these kids' parents are FAILING them!

hatethewifelife's picture

Oh my gosh am I in the same boat lol. I know it's so bad for me to feel this way. My SD is 3, my son is 3 and my hubby and I have a daughter who is almost 4 months old. SD is in daycare and when we get her she ALWAYS has some sort of sickness. She had a really bad cough the first time she met her little sister, at 2 days old, BM said she took her to the doctor and they said it was a cold. My less than 1 week old gets RSV!!!! Which actually can hospitalized that young. And she recently brought in pink eye and I had to pry my son's eyes open not long after. I can't drink much either because I'm breastfeeding. But bet your bottom that when I'm done I'm stocking up on liquor lol

wife552's picture

Without reading the other comments, I'll throw in my $0.02. I "hid" from my teenage SD when she came over on the weekends, but I got tired of my options being to either imprison myself or deal with her attitude. After she had a baby at 14, she didn't come over as often (which was great) but she would bring the child by along with her loser of the week (she can't go anywhere without a man in tow). The child has no discipline. He would pull books off bookshelves, terrorize the cats and dogs, and jump around on my glass coffee tables and everyone (except me) thought it was the cutest thing. I told H if they were to continue to visit, the child would have to behave. They've never visited again because he says "you don't like my family so I keep them away" as if he's doing me a favor. I thought things would get better when she turned 18, but they haven't. H and I are both away for work all the time and we only have 1 day a week to see each other and he usually spends the day with her so I may see him an hour out of the week. He is basically "married" to her and he and I have drifted further apart to the point where we have separated and no longer communicate. My feelings for her over the years went from "tolerant" to "bitter". Even though I don't like her, I don't blame her. I blame him 100% because it's up to him to separate his role as a husband and a parent and I feel like he drove a rift between us instead of trying to bring us all together by just setting boundaries.

All of this to say that I totally sympathize with you for acknowledging the feeling and wanting to change, but the anger building up when you see them. TOTALLY relate!! But with that said, it WON'T get better with time or as they get older. You said it's already driving a wedge in your marriage. It needs to be addressed NOW or that wedge will only get bigger and you'll only get angrier.

feduplilme2015's picture

Wow.... you described my life minus 6 kids, we have 2 and 2 (both boys and girls) but his have no sense at all.. they forget things ALL the time and he just doesn't see anything wrong with that picture at all. and as for me, my kids are mature, young teens, high achievers, 4.0 students etc... his a completely dif story BUT still have an air of greatness like they are better than everyone else.. like come on now. I have found myself hiding in my room all weekend long at times or getting in my car and leaving. Sad thing is as I am writing this message my DH writes me this message on IM: "If you think about it we have a good family, Despite of the up and downs" and that right there breaks my heart bc it goes to tell you how he doesn't really see how bad things have been. Things like this makes me love him so much but then something will happen with his kids and I can be right back to that dark place where all I feel for them is true hate... I am sad now! Sad

roadvirus1's picture

God finally a group who agrees. I cant stand ss. Hes such a girl anout everything cries about everything. Whines about everything. So sick

Lisaben's picture

I cannot tell you how grateful I am to those of you who have admitted and so eloquently expressed all the things I have been feeling. I live with my partners 14 year-old son and we have him 60% of the time, including every weekend. Quite frankly, the boy does nothing except play video games, text, read, and sleep. When he is asked to do a chore, he either does it sloppily or not at all; when his mom takes his stuff away until it's done, there's an epic standoff. He doesn't care about anyone else in his life. He just broke up with his gf (a very sweet girl) because it was too much work. He dropped out of Phy-ed (in my estimation,an easy class to boost one's GPA) because he got put in with the girls in weight-lifting. None of his work is done on time and a lot of it just doesn't get done at all. He loses his phone until he hands it in, but his mom allows him to have it during the evening.

Because my partner is very busy with her job and ill parents, all of these chores fall on me. I'm not made to let the woman I love so much have so much extra stress. But, I do not think she is doing a good thing by allowing him to behave like this. He picks at his dinner then takes boxes of cereal in his room at night so we don't have any in the morning. He sneaks around the house, including our bedroom to the point where I've had to install a lock on our bedroom door. I have to lock up any Propel, Gatorade, or Monster or its all gone (yeah, I know--not good for me, but I work shift work in a very hot mill and sometimes I need this stuff to make it through). Chips or crackers? Forget it! They disappear and he'll throw the wrappers out at school. Which means I have nothing but cheese to offer unexpected guests.

It's summer now and I do not relish the thought of him sneaking around the house all day. We have two dogs and although they stay in the yard very well, he just lets them out and forgets about them. I came home once to find that our labrador had emptied 5# of powered sugar around the house and the kid was sitting at the kitchen table playing on his laptop.

He lies about everything; even when it would be easier to just tell the truth. Then gets angry when we don't believe him.

I am exhausted. I am 57 years old and this makes me want to leave. but, I love his mother so much. I wonder, though, if I am just being stupid when I think he will move out for college and I won't have him at this hotel anymore.

inmisery2015's picture

I have wondered if it had gotten any better for anyone on here. I agree. It will only get worse!

DanielleRenee1987's picture

So glad I stumbled onto this site. I feel so bad hating my step kids, but they are jerks! They walk out of a room when I walk into it and they wont even speak to me - even though I've been their step-mom for almost 3 years now! I felt like a stranger in my own home when ever they were there. My husband finally told them they needed to respect me and our marriage or they were not welcome. So they said I was the spawn of satan and we never saw them again. We have had 2 years of not seeing them now. But I am 8 months prego. We told them and now they want to see us again. I hope we never see them again! I feel like a horrible person, but they just make me so angry. my mind spins out of control and we fight every time we talk about them.

peacemaker's picture


inmisery2015's picture

I am going through this same thing, I thought I was a horrible person for feeling this way. We just returned from a weekend of camping, just my DH, SS and myself. My daughter refuses to have anything to do with the SS. The day we returned I spent locked in the bedroom crying because I can't take it any more. My DH and I have already been seperated once over the SS and I am afraid at the end of the summer we will actually need to get divorced. The SS is only here over summer, one week at spring break and one week at Christmas. He ruins my entire summer which includes my birthday and our anniversary. I am so over it! He whines over everything but he is 11 years old, he acts perhaps 7 if that. I have tried to find anything that we have in common, but there is nothing. He is a brat and DH allows it. He continue to allow him to whine and call him "daddy" like a baby. My DH spends every waking hour catering to SS and ignoring me. He wants us to do things as a family but I can't take the whining and the back talking when SS doesn't get his way. I want nothing else to do with this little boy period.

Malefacent123's picture

WARNING: LONG POST!!!! I happened upon this post just doing a search on Google for "Help, I hate my step-kids", and thank Gosh I did! I am currently a stay-at-home Mom of my two children (ages 5 and eight) and my boyfriend's three kids (ages 12, 7 and 5). My BF has full custody of his three kids. The BM left him for another man and did not fight my BF for custody of the kids. She has since left that man (whom she ended up marrying), and has had five "boyfriends" within the past year, a number of different jobs, and various living arrangements. She is over $7K in arrears for child support, and has had her license revoked as a result. However, through all of this, she still has found "friends" willing to drive 2-hours on an occasional weekend so she can visit the kids. Whenever the kids return they are disrespectful, loud, rude, disobedient, despondent, and sad. Their mother speaks ill of their dad and me, and the 12-year old has so much as told her father and I that she is "just confused because she doesn't know who to believe". I have tried not to speak ill of the BM, but I cannot take it anymore. I do EVERYTHING for these kids that, quite frankly, their own mother should be doing for, cleaning, homework, laundry, transporting to/from schools/activities/summer camps, scheduling doctor's appointments, etc. I have been seeing a therapist for the past five months, and have even been taking a prescription anti-depressant to help cope, but I am still just so fed-up! I love my boyfriend, and we talk about getting married, but I know doing so would be a disaster since I cannot stand dealing with his children. Right now we are in a mutually beneficial relationship; I take care of his children (save on daycare costs), in exchange for living with him and being able to go back to school to get my Masters degree (my position was eliminated a year and a half ago, and I had to "re-evaluate" my career path). I think it would be best if his kids just didn't see their neglectful/abusive/manipulative BM, but that means my BF and I never get a "break" and then, do his kids end up resenting us in the future for keeping them from her? My goal is to be the best Mother I can be to my two children, but the toll my BF's three is taking on me is really prohibiting me from being that for my two birth children. Anyone out there experienced this sort of situation with a completely detrimental BM that can offer some advise? I know that this is just going to get worse as the kids get older. My BF's 12-year old daughter (who recently got her period and came to "who else, but me, of course" when she got it) spent an entire weekend crying and moping around the house with a stuffed animal given to her years ago by her BM, because she "missed" her "Mommy". Meanwhile, her "Mommy" was on a "vacation" without her children!!!! I planned the entire 12 weeks of summer camps/grandparents/vacations for five kids and their BM had this schedule weeks ago, but she still chose to take a vacation without her kids!!! Help, I am enabling this woman to get away without any guilt because she knows that I am taking care of her kids. I finally told my BF that I am no longer "doing" for his children anymore, but this causes some friction between us because I am then upset that he is upset, and I feel like he doesn't have anytime for me/my kids because he is so consumed with being a father to his three!!!

classyNJ's picture

Welcome! I have no advice - alot of us are all in the same boat when it comes to the BM and all the responsibility falling to us SM's.

I only saw this because I was looking in the forums for another post. You may want to copy and paste into a new subject or on your blog to get some immediate answers.

Good luck!

Casey Summers's picture

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am happy I found this site and there are others out there I can vent to. I am dealing with the same. Although the way those kids treat me is now more on a passive-aggressive side. But it all started when I met the bitch ex-wife. She hated me from the start, I don't know why. I am guessing she was just jealous. Considering she got a makeover after meeting me. Completely changed her look. But after she met me she would cause the utmost trouble. Tried breaking us up, turned the kids against us. We had to get a restraining order to keep her away. I hate that bitch and would love to smash her face in for the drama she put us through for a whole year. After we got married the kids moved out and only come over every other weekend. Thank God! But I used to hibernate in the room too, but this is my fucken house too and I'll be damned if I'm going to let a bunch of hateful brats keep me from enjoying my time in the living room or anywhere else in the house. Those kids are awful. Well the boy is. He is a spoiled, whiny, momma's boy with a sense of self-entitlement the size of the world. He is rude to me, rude to his dad and downright awful. His dad doesn't do shit because he's afraid they won't want to come back. Good if they don't if that brat is going to act that way he shouldn't come back. The stupid kids blame me for the drama their cunt mother caused. They even wrote a letter and left it lying around so I can find it, saying I'm awful and a big problem. The stupid boy is constantly saying my car and house smell and he even mistreats my dog. I just hate him. I wish he'd go away. I hate that boy. I no longer feel bad for hating him because anyone that meets him will see what a horrible spoiled imbecile he is. I married their man because I love him and he is the most compatible person I have ever been with. It is just a damn shame he has such baggage, an awful pretentious ex that thinks she high class when she's nothing but shit wrapped in cheap foil, and hateful kids. I wish they would all disappear then we can be happy. No, if she was to get hit by a bus or thrown into outer space it would be nice. The kids will change with her out of picture. I am not going to hurt anyone I am just venting. lol

ybarra357's picture

I suggest that you start your own thread - you'll likely get more responses but I'll chime in.

I get that your SS and his mother are tools, but I think your anger is misdirected. Why doesn't your DH grow a spine and stop being afraid of parenting his kid?? His son is feral because Dad is too wimpy to do anything.

gaviotas's picture

hi everybody, I`m back again, but the problems are the same. I felt I was the only one hiding in the room or going to the market or have to run an errand, when SD is at home. She still has this issue of "Selective Mutism" and years went by, there were no treatments and she stills does not talk, almost to everyone.
Almost six years of no responses, no look in the eyes, and my patience is gone.
DH still thinks she needs no treatment, but on the other hand she is pretty clever, has a high IQ and she is good at Maths for this reason I also think she has Asperger. After watching Big Bang Theory, she looks pretty much like Sheldon, but only younger and with worst manners.
Our last holidays were a mess, the killing silence for 14 long days was a reason for going to therapy (only me)
SD comes every Friday until Saturday, so every weekend we try to go out or visit friends/relatives. More people, less interaction! Smile :?

n8vhoney's picture

Sad I am new to this step parenting stuff but can say that I am close to hating my step sons. They are ages 10,6 and 5 and they are absolutely the most mouthiest, most disrespectful bullies I have ever met! and daddy thinks these boys are just perfect little angels! they talk all soft when daddy is around and when hes not they are complete assholes, from trying to boss me around, insulting my kids, making up lies about my kids to their dad so that he thinks my kids are out of hand but his aren't. I have my children share everything with his kids from video games to treats, but if he, his kids or bm bought them kids anything they say "hey that's ours" its bullshit. they hide their treats but have their hands out the minute they see my kids with anything. the 6 year killed a bird and its baby that was in our tree outside our kitchen window for months, his dad gave him no punishment for it. If his kids do anything wrong he always finds a reason or excuse for it. While he disciplines my kids but wont discipline his own, if I try to lecture one of his children it becomes a huge battle and now hes made it clear to them if I say anything at all to them they can tell their father and he will bitch me out for it...even though hes not even at home at the time to even know what happened. But im supposed to take care of his kids while he sits on his phone all night and crashes out early, get their ungrateful asses to bus stops and daycare everyday when I have three of my own to do that for. Him and his children have completely taken over my house and I don't even feel like being there anymore. His 6 yr punches kids in the face, two of them got kicked out of school for bullying, the five year old fake cries very loudly and annoyingly to get his way. they cant play a video game without beating one another up and my children don't behave like that. my boyfriend tells my 9 year old he needs to get used to dealing with that type of no he doesn't!! btw their mother got them taken away a month ago for having them around drinking, drugs and violence and is making no effort to cooperate with social services to get them back, but boyfriend stands up for her and says that the county is just trying to break up homes. smdh she had f'n herion needles on her floor with the kids present, she nearly burned their house down with the kids in it, had gang members around and had someone do a driveby on her home. yet he says she is a good mom,... I really wanna say straight up that pos ex of yours really f'd up your kids!!!! grr!!!!

hatingmylifechoices's picture

I am so glad I found this. I have 3 ferals SS11 SS10 SD6 and BD1 (she was a surprise) and I effing hate the S-Rats, 11 is on to hs next year and can barely take care of himself, full of moody preteen attitude and disregard for personal hygiene. 10 is the most badly behaved, disrespectful little bastard I have ever had the misfortune to stumble accross, his mental age is more like 3. He carries on when he is asked to have a shower (because according to his pos cunt mother, kids don't need to shower everyday and brushing your teeth once or twice a week is enough... wtf) and has no discipline or respect. He is so bad infact that in the past he wasn't allowed to stay with us for 6 months, he earnt coming back here but is well and truly on his last legs (again), I am ready to boot him for good. And 6 is so jealous of my BD that she now acts like a baby. Now my BD is not perfect, she is a normal occasionally tantrummy toddler and I work hard to make sure that she is not spoilt by me or anyone else. 6 is constantly stealing toys and hiding them in her drawers, taking things out of her hands and putting them where she can't reach, locking her in the baby gate. Etc etc. 6 is a holy, manipulative terror that likes of which you have never seen, lying about me to CM and general nastiness, pretending to cry in bed so someone comes. I constantly hide away, I dread spending time at home, but they are here for a whole week at a time and (lucky me) because I work part time, I get to do school runs.
I know in my heart what the solution is and believe me, it is coming, but man it feels amazing to get all of this off my chest. Thanks for reading x

MamaHatesLifeRightNow's picture

So happy to see this... I'm currently hiding in my room from all the kids... Even mine. My husband just yelled at me in front of my kids because his 10 year old princess threw a big enough fit. I'm a monster apparently because I don't let any of our kids cry to get their way. My bad....

Mimiscrazy's picture

Ahhh finally I see there are others like me! SS 21 SD 19 (not really his daughter because her mom is a whore) My skids are out of the house now. I did the hibernating too! They disrespected their dad a lot and I’d jump their butts. They knew better than to disrespect me. Well once the SD did, I almost tore her door off the hinges. I was close to her then found out she was faking pregnancies, dealing drugs, lying to friends saying she was on probation. I’m like “who the f**k are you? I tried HARD for 4 years. SD was also a compulsive liar. It took a minute but I became a human lie detector. I knew when she was lying. I couldn’t get past the drug dealing and her manipulating her BGM poor lady is sick. I did everything to try to fix her and give her confidence. Lost cause. I made her move out in Aug after she graduated and wouldn’t work or go into military. She doesn’t speak to me anymore “YAY”. SS is manipulative and uses people for money. He loves talking about his good grades in college I’m like “Yeah but your still an ass” your grades are worthless if you treat people like crap. He has always been a smartass. I finally told him to f*€k off. I don’t speak to him so they are both out of my life. My husband knows they are not allowed in my house anymore. I can breathe. Happy ending

Bgdaddy17's picture

her son is 5, never listens cries anytime he doesnt get his way and i mean full blown cries, wakes my nb son since he was born. Constantly getting into cabinets, hitting his sister and the baby. Her daughtee is 3 going on 4. Same situation. My son is no dream but ill never let him get to those points. My son is literally the only thing holding this relationship together. Smh. Kids really do ruin relationships i got her prego after 2 months and by the time i realized what was really going on it was too late ... 

ifeelyourpain's picture

Reading through all your comments and hearing the things you say, I know anyone in our lives would be appalled by what we say. The question "Why did we marry when we knew there would be children." Hindsight is 20/20, right? I have four steps kids (2 SD, 2 SS)and one bio. Married about 6 years ago. They all moved in after marriage and I had a good relationship with them. I took them everywhere, we went on family vacations, I was involved in every aspect of their lives. I truly loved it. Now, as they have aged (they are 20, 19, 17, and 14), the three oldest have become so disrespectful. This started about 4 years ago and only got worse. The 17 y./o SD nearly destroyed my marriage. Over the past 4-5 years, she intentionally got her mom on her side and her mom defended her kids from any discipline or instruction. Constantly excusing them led to them ignoring me and not listening to anything I told them. It was like they wrote me off. Now they come to me when they want things from me, like help with school, college, or finances. So I had to send two of the four to live with their day this past year. It was that or I walk.I refuse to live in my own home where I am treated with such contempt and disregard, especially after investing so much of my time, life, and money into them. After marriage, we were nearly broke after I emptied my savings to building an addition to my home and finish the basement for the kids. Their dad couldn't manage the measly $300/mo child support for all four. I get how hard this can be and I, like many of you, try to occupy my time when they are all here. Thankfully, the youngest SD, who still lives with us most of the time, is a sweet and great kid for the most part.

When we talk about our SKs, I think we need to really look at the role their parent, including the one we married, had in how these kids act and treat us. A spouse who lets their children walk all over you and mistreat you really is them doing that through their children. It saves them from having to do it.

Ashley2014's picture

I know this thread is old, but here’s to hoping SOMEONE sees this!

i have a 4 1/2 year old. He’s such a good kid. I met my current bf who I consider leaving every. Single. Day because I’m a miserable cow here and don’t want MY child to be affected by this BS. So my “bf” has his TGREE kids EVERY Wed through Sun. Yes, that means we have them way more than the mother and every single dang weekend. They leave Sunday night and come back Wednesday after school. Our relationship has no alone time. The kids demand constant attention. They are 9,7, and 6. On the weekends he turns into this “fun dad” and they throw fits if they’re not being entertained 24/7. I hate it. Just this past weekend they pitched royal tantrums to play board games twice for 6 hours (then got mad because I opted to NOT play), go to Dublin Donuts for 25 doughnuts each, have a bonfire at 9am with a bunch of sugar, movie nights, bowling, the list can go on and on. I am a former K teacher that now runs a daycare full time. I need a break on the dang weekends, and while my son goes to his dad’s (and it sucks) every other weekend, his little brats are. Always. Here. He goes to the gym and goes to work and guess who has to watch them? Me. I’ll need to go pick my own son up and he says “take them with you” um no where is their mother? Oh wait, she doesn’t want that responsibility because she’s too busy with her new boyfriend to take care of her kids. I know it sounds bad. I know most of you are thinking “aww poor kids” NO. These are the most spoiled brat kids I’ve ever met. I get no time to relax anymore. I now am responsible for cooking for kids that hate everything. I have to wash clothes 6 days a week because that many kids adds up fast. Our grocery bills are sky high because dad always lets them eat ALL DAY LONG. I never have co girl over the TVs. They wreck my classroom because they don’t seem to understand that room is for my job. Their mom takes advantage of me and drops them off on her days if they don’t have school because I have a home daycare. Um are you going to pay me because I watch your kids way more than you ever have. I can’t take this anymore. BF complains and gets mad that I tell my son I love him and not his brats. Well I’m sorry, I don’t love them.

jbirch822's picture

Girl you need to leave. You deserve better. Trust me it won't get better only worse. Trust me you will never be happy. It would be the best thing for you and your child 

Ashley2014's picture

Thank you thank you thank you for not judging me. This forum is finally a place I can vent to without fear. Update on me I’m still barely hanging in there. I have decided to save money to move back to Georgia with my family along with my son now 5. The kids are indeed worse. They are now starting drama every day they’re here telling their grandparents (his parents) that I spank and yell at them. OMG I wish I would spank them let me tell you! But I don’t. They also tell their entire family about our arguments so needless to say they are little tape recorders and shit stirrers. My strong dislike is now almost hate. I’m done and my mind is made up. There are almost no good moments with my “bf” because of his kids. They’ve destroyed my life. When I hear them walk into my house I take 1mg on Xanax. I’m on the verge of a meltdown.

Tx19834's picture

I'm new here. *sorry in advance if my post is choppy, I moved around with the paragraphs*


I married DH 4 months ago, together 1 year.  First of all, his ex will message me, text, call. And bring up their past and how he still wants her ....thinks of her when hes with me...blah, blah, blah.  She cheated on his countless times got pregnant with other mens babies... .  But DNA results confirm the 4 kids are his.....ss4, ss6, sd7, sd9.  Complete brats. 

My 4 step kids are still in pullups at night and wear them the while next morning.  I remind them all the time to throw it away and it doesnt phase them.  They never wash their hands after potty, before meals, after playing outside, you name it!!!!!

My two kids are so good, I may be biased, but they really are for what they've been thru. Their dad died during deployment. My kids were 4 and 5.  It was devestating for our 8 year marriage to end and my kids be left without a father.

 We had the 4 steps for 3 months while BM dealt with drugs, an arrested fiance for meth possession (in their home), dui's, etc.... I had enough of the disrespect from BM picking up after 8pm on her weekends and bringing them back after 8pm on sundays.  My house has very strict rules. Lights out at 7pm.  She abused that every weekend she would return the kids.  I had enough of the disrespect from the 4 children.  Their dad wouldnt stand up for me, call me a bitch, so they stopped obeying the rules.  

We have a small house (1700sqft 3 bed 2 bath).  3 girls to one bedroom, 3 boys to the other.  I eventually got each kid their own bed.  My bio kids were not thrilled to share their room, but it was our new change to our blended family.   The kids were never once sick when they lived here for those 3 months.  But I remember even the first weekend I met them, DH was taking them to the dr, and every other weekend we had them, hed be taking them to the dr.  Cold, stomach flu, headaches, fevers......they were always coming to my house SICK!!!

My first encounter with BM was me just texting her saying she has the kids for the next 11 days and if they're sick, take then to the dr...   um...shouldn't have done that.  Telling me in bashing her motherhood...omg just the worst!  She's a narcissist. Has been since DH knew her.  But he thought shed change....well 8 years and 4 kids later....nothing has changed!!

Fast forward 3 months, they're back to moms. It was a brutal leave time, but they had to go.  I was a prisoner in my own home. I was miserable, they disobeyed, talked back...just awful, bratty kids.  His oldest would even say my house is more fun when I'm not in it..  she actually said that 2 times during those 90 days.  

It's been an EOW kind of time now, but I leave the house. Last time they were here, I cancelled SD9 birthday party because of her disrespect.   I told DH hes in charge n she still didnt get a party.  After that weekend, I put my foot down. I told DH, unless he steps up and disciplines, they arent welcome here.   Well, hes an avid gamer so hes okay with no SKs on the weekends now.  I told him he can go stay at his moms or his friends with his kids, but they will not come to my house. 

**  This weekend will be the first they are not coming here and DH will go pick them up on Sunday for 4 hours and bring them back to their moms.  It is already unsettling they will see each other without me there (when she texts me they fooled around or he tried to kiss her). I trust him, but cannot trust her! 


I've been contemplating separating from DH.  Because of the drama he has brought into my life.  When my husband died, I knew I was okay financially to take care of me and my 2 children.  His kids made me broke, and him too because he doesnt work ($600/month child support I'm stuck paying)---i know what I NEED to do, but my heart breaks knowing it's the right thing to do. ....can you please offer me some advice???  Maybe I'm overthinking, but I shouldn't be in such a stressful relationahip...... I'm lost!!!

Rags's picture

My condolences to you and your children on the loss of your Husband.  I appreciate his service and your family's sacrifice.

Not to be too blunt, however, this is not the  man your children should be raised by.  Neither you nor their father should or would want that.

The only overthinking you are doing IMHO is the fraction of a second it takes for your to call the locksmith to rekey the locks then a lawyer. As a military widow I am sure that there are significant support avenues for  you to use to extricate  yourself from this marriage to this non man failure of a waste of skin parent, non partner, deadbeat and any further exposure to his shallow and polluted gene pool. Protect yourself and protect your children.

Don't think about it any more. Act!  Now!  You and your children deserve better.

Ashley2014's picture

Kick him out NOW! You deserve and WILL find better. No damn man will have me paying his child support. No way. Girl you’ve got this! I am so sorry to hear about your husband’s passing, someone amazing will come into your life eventually. Right now focus on you and YOUR kids!!!!

meatball23's picture

Tx19834, oh hell no. I'd tell your husband if he doesn't get involved and stick up for you with his crazy ex, then he's more of a girl than she is. No one needs that drama. We don't want to deal with your evil spawn, but we tolerate it. But BM drama? No thanks. That was not part of the unwritten rules and I'd put her in her place ASAP. Kids in general are a huge pain in the ass let alone dealing with their mother who is supposed to be an adult. 

jillian2525's picture

i cant thank you enough for taking the time to write that. i feel like i could have written that paragraph word for word myself. it makes me feel less alone to hear that others also feel this way. 

Stefany.lee's picture

This is one of my favorite post. I love how honest you are. I feel the same I just can’t stand my stepkids at all...