I hate my step-kids
I don't want any judgement from this, I already have to deal with my own feelings for guilt for having these feelings.
I've been with my partner for nearly 3 years now, and over these years 2.5 of them were spent with him fighting a property settlement/custody with his ex-wife. She strung him along for years delaying settlement because she wanted him to have the children more. It was a fortnightly arrangement ordered by the Courts at his wife's request with approximately 10 nights a month which I really hated. She's always fought for less time with the kids and has caused a lot of stress for us. I stuck by because I loved him but he doesn't seem to understand the stress it also put me through. So now the property settlement has finished and they basically ended up on a by arrangement agreement with him securing no fixed time with the kids. She is obviously really angry at this so decided to "cut him off" for 3 months just so he would beg her to let him have the kids for more.
His kids are 7 and 9 now. The boy (8) has severe autism which further complicates things. Our whole house gets re-arranged to suit his needs which means plants, pets, basically everything has to be changed which my partner doesn't help with fixing back when they leave. It's my job apparently. We also recently got a kitten which I know will have to be moved to a seperate room or something otherwise he will try to hurt it or play in its litter box.
I never really got on with his kids, especially the girl. She's very needy and frequently tantrums. I don't try to parent her because it's not my job, never have been mean to her, raised my voice, etc. if she does anything wrong, I just tell my partner but he can't seem to discipline her. She also gets jealous of my partner and I made worse by the longer periods away from seeing him (understandable) but that means he doesn't show affection to me around her and I feel uncomfortable even hugging/cuddling on the couch. I've tried to bond with her but she just wants to spend time with her dad and any time we do get together is just ruined if I am the slightest bit affectionate to my partner.
I rarely get time with my partner when they were here and between both kids, I never really saw my partner as he was tired and asleep by 8 because his son wakes up at 4. I found myself escaping the house a lot just to have some peace and quiet. The last 3 months of having a child-free life have been so wonderful. We don't fight, have so much more time together, he's less tired, it's less loud and stressful and not having his ex in our lives has been really nice.
But his ex has recently took a hit to her ego and decided she doesn't want them full-time anymore and has agreed to 5 nights a month (temporarily while the Corona virus is occurring).
I have loved our live the last three months and the only thing that has changed is the kids in our lives. I'm not sure what to do because leaving is terrifying. Having this conversation with him makes me feel so bad. Do I talk to him? Leave? Wait and see if the 5 nights isn't that bad? I'm not sure.
(((HUGS))))
(((HUGS))))
I am sorry.
It is doubtful anyone will ugly to you here. You sound very sincere.
Your bm sounds like many bms' here. They often use their kids as pawns one way or another.
Only you can answer your questions. Remember this is your life too. Your hopes, your dreams. your "now" and your future. It is ok to stay and it is OK to say "I think I made a mistake, its ME not you".
Take some time to observe everything. Do only what YOU want to.
You hit the trifecta! Loony
You hit the trifecta! Loony BM, difficult skids and a partner who is a poor parent.
I would certainly talk with him and see if he's willing to up his parenting game, but if he's like many on here, he will say he feels bad parenting them, etc, etc.
Only you can decide what's best - 5 nights a month isn't all that much - but this is the type of BM who will at some point dump the kids on you entirely, so be prepared.
Absolutely all of this,
Absolutely all of this, particularly the last part.
OP, what would you do if he got full custody... honestly, even 50/50?
Can confirm BM is a b*tch
Honestly the only thing that has kept me from leaving is him assuring me it won't be more than 5 nights a month. I told him if it's anymore I can't do it, but this was before I had 3 months child free and knew how nice it was :(
Re the BM she is insane. She emails him all the time with things like "Your daughter misses you", "You are really going to throw your kids away? They need you". Even going so far as sending him videos of his daughter crying. All of this to secure more nights away from them. The only saving grace is he doesn't reply most of the time, but it's still really frustrating
has me asking myself if 1. It's going to get better or worse and 2. Is it even worth it?
Well, these women really do
Well, these women really do find a way to dump the kids on their ex - they have two modes of operation; either take the kids away and never let him see them, or dump the kids on him 100% of the time. The fact that she actually fought in court to make him take them MORE (never heard that one before) makes me think she is the type to dump them on you - and he won't have a choice but to take them if she does it right.
Girl, the fact that you're
Girl, the fact that you're dreading just five days a month really says something. It's very obvious that you do not want these kids in your house, and that's totally understandable. In regards to rearranging your house for the autistic skid, why didn't you guys just leave the house that way at all times so that you didn't have to rearrange it back and forth as he comes and goes? That's what I would've done. My boyfriend has his kids every other week and I would love to only have them for five days a month, honestly. I agree with everyone else, these BMs couldn't care less about their kids' well beings, they're always just a freaking pawn to them, it's disgusting actually. The fact that she sends emails like that is very disturbing. If she truly cared about him being in their lives, she'd send emails with updates about how good they're doing or she'd call regularly so he can talk to them. I understand that it's your dream to never see these kids (because honestly, that's my dream too), you need to realize that that's just wrong. He's their father and they deserve to have their father in their lives. Both him and BM need to up their parenting skills and stop raising entitled brats. I don't see that happening though. You need to think of your own future, and really ask yourself if this is the life you want. There's ALWAYS a possibility of him getting full custody, and if that's a dealbreaker for you, please leave and take care of yourself and your well-being. I know that's so much easier said than done though. Keep us updated, and I hope all works out!!!
An unhelpful breeder as a
An unhelpful breeder as a partner who ices you when his kids are at your home and an X he fails to prevent from interfering in your home and relationship.
And...... you are with this guy why?