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I hardly want to spend time with my stepchildren

tigerstepmama's picture

Hello everyone,

I'm a newbie here and honestly I don't know where to start. Even choosing a subject to this post was already hard. So my husband has 3 kids (girl 14y, girl 12 y, boy 9y) from his previous marriage and now we have a boy together (2y). After 2 years living in his home country (Europe) we made a big leap of moving to my home country (Asia). Before when we were in Europe, his children came to us every Wednesday, every second weekend, a summer vacation of 2 weeks, and another vacation of 1 week either fall or Easter. Now of course the situation has changed, last summer they came here to stay with us for one month, and he flew over Europe alone once for one week. We are standing before Winter vacation and by all honesty I don't want to spend it ala blended family style anymore. Vacation with them the previous times was already not something I would look forward to, I mean they didn't do anything horrible more than the usual teenie - kiddie issues age appropiate, just that it was always more a duty than a pleasure (well actually my husband's duty). I don't have any problem with them, and I don't think they with me neither, we get a long. Just that I don't like their characters, how they behave, how they act, nothing wrong, they're just not my type of people. Also when spendind time all together we were not really one family, we would be my husband with their children as a single dad, and me with our son as a single mom, because 1.I don't speak their language very well and 2.my husband was busy enought with them that he couldn't also care about our son. I was fine with all that, when getting married I knew what I was into, eventhough occasionally daydreaming about a husband of just me, a dad of just our son, withou the exwife and the stepchildren, he is already a wonderful dad, and he would be 100% for us.

Ok so much for the intro. Now with the new situation that we - my husband, me and our son - are far away from his exwife and his children, I am not motivated too much to spend vacation with his kids anymore, also because it costs some extra money than before. I said that to my husband that he can fly over alone and take the kids skiing and my and our son just stay here. He is sad about that of course but would accept that. He even said maybe in the end it would be better because his kids would have him "for themselves" and don't have to share him with me and the new little brother (they are still angry with him for going away and probably also me and the little brother to steal their dad away)

Is this a fine situation now, that now we are two separate families and not one blended, and everyone has to move on, or are we not trying hard enough to be more together like a (blended) family?

Thanks for reading until now.

Tigerstepmama

Kes's picture

I think the solution proposed by your husband sounds fine, as long as you are OK with it.  I never went on holiday with my DH and step daughters and never felt the need to.  I did go for a long weekend to my MIL's place once with them - never again!  I am disengaged and find that suits me and my needs - I am an introvert who doesn't mind my own company.  My SDs - both now in their 20s - are extroverts who never stop talking and I find it tiring and boring as they seem to think they know everything!  

It sounds like you also have similar issues with your step children - you are very different in personality and just don't get on with them, nor they with you.  Why pretend otherwise?   This way your DH can spend quality time with his kids, and you can have a peaceful and non stressful time with your son while he is gone. 

Rosie'smum's picture

Kes, you are a true inspiration to me. I'm very much like you and I dread the OSS visiting with his entourage!! I'm so pleased I found this site and thank you to everyone here. 

beebeel's picture

It's a hard fact for many people to accept: that not all families blend like the Brady Bunch. It's great that your DH isn't trying to force relationships in pursuit of that unrealistic ideal. I think it avoids so much drama and unneeded stress to accept that yep: he has two families and hey! That's ok.

shellpell's picture

I do not vacation with SS11, and very rarely do I/our two children go with DH to visit him in his province. We are long distance too. And yes we are two separate families- DH and SS and DH/me/our kids. There's nothing wrong with that. Better than trying to force ppl who have little in common to spend time together when they don't enjoy it to try to live up to some sort of ideal.

tigerstepmama's picture

Thank you so much ladies. I also think slowly we need to move on our separate ways, now that we - me, DH and our son - have moved away. For my husband it is for sure hard, he doesn't see the kids often, is cut off from their life, has to rely on the few chats and video calls to know what's going on with them... I think he's very sad about slowly "losing them". He definitely has "guilty dad syndrom" for 1000% sure. I love him and respect his children but I will never mix myself in raising and disciplining them. I will be sad myself too for not having my husband, our son's dad for the vacation, but I agree, it's the better solution of all.