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I feel like I hate my stepkids

Butler2014's picture

Please help me! My partner has two kids who to begin with I got on really well. They use to stay every other weekend and it was ok. However over time the more they settled in the more they have become spoilt, ungrateful brats. 
The 10 year old cries when she doesn’t get her own way to the point of crying and screaming because we wouldn’t let her upgrade her drink at macdonalds. I am being told I am selfish as they now don’t stay (the ex wife decision as she wants to punish the kids for bad behaviour) however this is putting such a strain on our relationship. 

I have a 3 year old and we also have a 9minth old together. His kids live 2 hours away and be doesn’t drive so it costs him £50 just on trains every other weekend before food and stuff. They aren’t happy to go to the park and get food so it can cost him anything upto £150 a weekend seeing them. We can’t afford it not with our two boys. 

Now the ex wife is kicking off because we haven’t taken the girls to Butlins this time with ha or when we go abroad next year. Firstly my family are paying so that we can have a holiday abroad next year. Both boys have free tickets on the holiday so we just pay for me and my partner. She gave me £1000 so I choose to divide it so I could take my partner so I get help with the kids.secondly the youngest has hydrocephalus so we wouldn’t want the risk of going abroad and her having to spend the whole time in hospital it would ruin it for everyone. I can’t expect my parents to give us extra money for his girls either. Plus they both need passports, and clothes and the mum is likely to say they can go a few days before she has done it before. The girls don’t want a holiday in this country so that is out the option.

We work bloody hard and why should the boys kiss out and not have a holiday as we can’t affods to take all the kids with us. The mum has just as much responsibility if not more to take them away. th eldest daughter wants to go to this camp but would need a adult as she is the only girl. The mum doesn’t work and wants to go out the weekend so she won’t, and she is now kicking if as my partner said he can’t ask he can’t afford to take 3 days of work unpaid as he has used his holiday for Butlins last week. And henwoukd otherwise miss our sons first father’s day. 

The wife has kicked off because he had a joint tatttoo with me as a Valentine’s Day present from me to him, yet not had the youngest daughters name done or because he won’t send her extra money except the csa each month. I never expect my eldest dad to pay more than his csa each month as he has to live too. 

If my partners kids were grateful and well behaved I would consider trying to work more and encourage them to come and stay more but atm I just can’t shift my hatred towards them: Father’s Day last year I spent £100 on tickets for a day out for us to

leave in half hour because of their behaviour. 

My partner had a few months of work due to illness and I was the one Paying our of my wages their CSA aswell as his travel to see them. I have done my best. Now the ex wife is demanding he ha to take the girls away on holiday somewhere. We never tell the girls if we go on holiday so it’s not like they know. The ex wife sent me a load of abuse the day we went on holidayblast week.  But he is crap at saying no to them ans it will bankrupt us. please mummy’s can anyone help. Anyone been in my situation feeling so much hated and stress

elkclan's picture

Of course they know if you've been on holiday. They know. They also know they've not been invited. Of course they do. 

I understand about the whole money thing. My mom has offered to pay for me and my son to go to the US (I'm American but live in England) and she wants my partner to come out, too -but I don't want him to. If I took my son and my partner to the US and we couldn't afford to take his two it would be awful. We will try to save up to do it some time.  But his kids do go to Australia with their mother (my partner's type is apparently colonial) so they'd understand about my son going out there to visit family. 

We aren't having a holiday all 5 of us this year. We will take some time out and do stuff together, but we're not travelling anywhere as we cannot afford to because of housing issues. Sorry, but I definitely wouldn't go abroad on a family vacation if you cannot take the whole family. 

Rags's picture

Tell the XW to demand in one hand and shit in the other and figure out which one fills up first.   Diablo

She gets support from your DH.  That is it.   That she is demanding that the SKids be included in things going on in dad's house/family doesn't matter.  DH pays his CSA and that is all he is obligated to pay to his XW for the support of their children. She is responsible for supporting those children when they are with her.  DH is of course responsible for supporting them when they are with him.  A simple formula that anyone with even a modicum of intelligence should be able to grasp.  Apparently BM is missing that modicum......

As for the vacation... non full time resident kids miss out on things in one household or the other.  My SS saw his SpermClan 3x per year for a total of 7 weeks each year (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) from age 2 until age 18.  He/we never complained about what he missed when he was not in SpermLand.  Interestingly the SpermClan bitched to high heaven over things that we/he did when he was at home with us.  They bitched about his clothes, trips, school, activities, etc, etc, etc.... and  how it wasn't fair that he had and experienced these things and his three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas didn't have the same things or experiences because they had to pay CS for my SS.  It is amazing what the tiny minds of idiots think that $133/mo in CS will pay for.  In their small minds that $133/mo in CS paid for new cars, new houses, nice vacations, quality clothing, private schools, etc, etc, etc......

Don't worry about the idiot BM.  Enjoy your vacation without guilt. 

blueskies4me's picture

I don’t like my SS, either. I hate BM furiously.

It’s freeing to admit my anger, resentment and disgust and not make a stepmommy BS pretense. I’m glad I woke up pretty early in the game and not waste decades of my life, my money and my energy.

not your kids, not your problem.

Stillfaithful's picture

Unfortunately I do understand how challenging it can be when you are subject to behavior that you did not cause,  do not agree with,  and have minimal power to enforce change to the behavior. Differences in parenting styles, bio parent's history of dynamics with the children's other parent, emotional reactions of a bio parent that fuel their decisions all play a role in the messiness. 

There are so many variables that you have to find a way to simplify to address one thing at a time starting with the most priority  (this is hard because there are generally many things on fire). You and your partner must address Together one thing at a time. That also may be all that your family can handle at a time,  so keep that in mind.  And can I say,  bio mom has no business to do with what you and your partner decide. That boundary needs to be clear first for you and him, then for her. These are just my thoughts.