I feel like I’m drowning
Hey guys,
I’m a new member but have been reading the forum for a while. I have been with my DH for 2 years now and have three SS: 12SS, 11SS, and 8SS. The BM is very much in the picture, however we only have the Skids every other weekend and special occasions like birthdays.
I honestly don’t know what the purpose of this post was. It’s the weekend we have the three boys and I’m hiding in my room posting this, trying to find some moment of peace. The SS’s are kind to me and can be sweet, however are mostly undisciplined. I often spend the weekends we have them trying to block out the endless screaming as they fight each other and the back chat whenever DH disciplines them. I won’t sit here and lie, their behaviour is due to both BM and DH. BM cheated on DH after they were together for 7 years and he’s grown resentful and often views having the children here as a chore given BM uses the times she drops them off to belittle DH or make comments about their previous relationship to try to stir me up,
I constantly feel like I’m drowning in this blended family. I hate that BM is involved in every aspect of our lives, given we struggle financially and she complains that CS isn’t enough and how little DH contributed. She constantly yells at the children and just tonight, I found out from SS12 that he thinks their behaviour is causing their SF (BM has a new partner) to drink excessively, and I can only imagine that BM is telling them this. She is a good mum most of the time and the kids behavioural/developmental issues are difficult to deal with so I understand how she may have meltdowns at times, but telling Skids this and constant yelling can’t be good for them.
I think my real issue is that by being with DH, I have to be subjected to BM and her toxic attitude. She constantly belittles DH for being a “bad father” and condones skids bad behaviour towards others at school. My DH just takes it because his self esteem has been destroyed by this woman and he’s just given up. I am struggling to accept that BM is going to be around and I don’t know what to do. I love DH and we’re married now. I knew Skids were going to be part of the package and I was okay with that but I think I didn’t fully grasp how much this would all be. I dread having the skids here and I hate the constant yelling that the skids have learned from BM. I also hate when my DH yells and sometimes smacks them when they are naughty. While this is good on his half for disciplining, I have always been in a peaceful home growing up and this constant negativity and yelling makes me want to run away. I’m worried that I rushed things and I have no idea what to do. I love DH so much and I keep waiting to adjust to my blended family and find a way to make it work but I’m constantly exhausted from the skids terrible behaviour, the BM belittling my DH, and feeling like she has all the control because if we fought her, she would make things difficult by dropping off the skids and disappearing when we are in no capacity to care full time for them (we both work full time, live in a small house and would get no financial support from BM so wouldn’t have the finances).
Has anyone else been through this? Any tips on getting over this feeling of being suffocated? I should be grateful we only have them 2 nights each fortnight but even that feels like a punishment and I feel awful talking to anyone about this given I’m supposed to be nurturing of DH stepping up and being a parent.
god, I feel like a monster.
You only have them EOWE
You can not put up with it four days a month ? This is your DH fault for letting his kids run wild. Nothing you can do about it but leave somewhere. BM is letting this happen BF is letting this happen nothing you can do about it.
Is there a CO? That is my
Is there a CO? That is my first question. You have a DH problem not a kid problem. Your DH needs to put BM on a leash and set some ground rules and boundaries for the skids. Your best bet would be to disengage. I am speaking from experience. I dread when my skids come over because OSS is a mini me of BM but now I act cordial and say hello and that is about it. I do nothing for him and try to be around him as little as possible. If you choose to stay disengagement is the best thing.
I Feel You!
Dear Melody,
I just wanted to comment and see if I could help you out. Like you, I have no bio-kids, but am with a man (my long-term boyfriend) who is the parent of three kids close in age: In my case, my BF has three girls (14,14, 12). Growing up in a household with only two kids several years apart, I was NOT prepared for the squabbling!
OMG! My step-kids (all between 12-14 years of age) just squabble ALL THE TIME. I don't know if it's a step-kids thing, it might just be what happens when you put three kids of same gender and almost same age in one place! My tip to you: Remove ONE of them from the equation (if at all possible): Try to get a sleepover for one kid on Saturday night, or alternatively, allow one kid to invite a friend over. I think 2 or 4 kids are easier than THREE.
Anyway, for us, we movfed into a MUCH bigger house: That helps a lot! Also we try to allow the odd-kid-out (12 year old) to have friends over for a sleepover from time to time, or allow one of the older kids to go to someon'es house overnight. It just calms everyone down, for us. Good luck! I don't know if I could handle three middle school boys!!
Hugs,
VA GIRLFRIEND
I feel for you! I see you
I feel for you! I see you only have them sometimes but I will guess that BM is constantly a huge presence in your home and daily life.
Disengage! Make plans for yourself when they are at your house. Let dh do everything involving his kids and you do nothing but hellos and good byes. It will save your sanity.
and your dh is the one letting BM in your life. I can relate for sure. She shouldn’t even have the chance with to speak with your dh face to face....they should do curb drop offs and text only about kids when needed.....he needs to cut her off from the control she has on him.
Finding peace
I too was with a man who had three children and I felt like I was suffocating so much. Although I loved him I found that it was very hard for me to be a stepmom to his three children and my two children. The influence of his children impacted the way I wanted to raise my own and that was a big issue. Furthermore the BM was micromanaging the children in my home while they were on our time and that was suffocating as well. All this to say when I would have to cook and clean and feed all the children and then he would go and spoil his children and not spoiled me I felt a lot of resentment meant. But what tops it all off was realizing that he had a personality disorder and I knew I had to leave and I did. And I feel a lot of relief and I do have a lot of Joy I do miss him and I do feel that I lost a companion however I found a lot of peace and I'm no longer suffocating.
I feel like I could have
I feel like I could have written most of this myself... I am in a similar situation, although I have a child of my own. Unfortunately, it doesn’t get much easier. As they get older, they will want to do more things with their friends or on their own, but for now you’ll have to decide how you want to handle it. Lucky for you it’s only a few days a month- be grateful for that. It could be 50/50 or full time. As for your husband, mine has started acting the same way- basically given up on the discipline of his children due to the controlling BM. It’s super hard to watch and it bothers me as well. I think it is hard for them to come to terms with the fact that they have lost control over their own children and the see mini-moms running around all the time. It’s exhausting for me to watch, and men just don’t understand how to deal with those feelings. It’s easier to push it under the rug than to deal with it. I feel your pain...
Just because we marry prior
Just because we marry prior relationship breeders does not mean we have to tolerate crap in our homes and marriages.
So, I would suggest that you adopt a full information fact based approach with the SKids. Tolerate no crap, keep them fully informed on their BM and SF's crap, and take a zero tolerance approach to the pollution that your DH's X causes and do not tolrate it in your home. From anyone.
You are no monster. BM is monster. Get the proverbial stake ready to hammer through her heart. Tolerate no bullshit.