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I feel guilty about how I feel

ArtMessBetty's picture

My DH and I have custody of my daughters 8 and 10 from a previous marriage. They are their bio dad three weekends a month. So we raise them together, DH and I. He is basically their acting father while their bio dad just plays with them. What we have feels like a whole, complete family. 

My DH has a 14 year old son from a past marriage. His birth mom is schizophrenic and untreated. Her whole family is this way. As a result, the boy is just weird. He doesn't know how to have conversations and doesn't know how to take turns and interrupts constantly. He stinks to high heaven because birth mom thinks deodorant causes cancer. He has no friends and has been moved schools twice for bullying. He spews information about video games like talking to the wall. He doesn't speak to me at all when he is here. He has to have 100% of DH's undivided  attention when he is here. I mean for days he expects DH to sit next to him from sunrise to bedtime playing video games. He cries out, "Dad! Dad!" Constantly to make sure he has his attention. He cuddles with his dad like a very young child. He is like this void which sucks out all the energy and I absolutely hate it when he is here. I feel like I might as well leave the house because it's like I'm not even here. 

he has not gotten so where every single damn day he begs for DH to play video games with him online and DH feels guilty for refusing. So he brought him over here last night and tonight he played online with him and the little shit is going to be here all weekend. Meanwhile, me and my girls who wanted him to go for a walk with us or have dinner with us were just shit out of luck. 

I hate this kid. The more attention he gets the more he wants. He doesn't blend with our new family. He ignores us and finds ways to suck up all of his dad's attention every time he can get it. DH doesn't recognize any of this as abnormal or him needing help. I got pissed tonight because my own girls wanted to go for a walk and to have a fire outside together but we were completely ignored so he could play video games  online after he did that last night with him and will do it all weekend. 

I feel bad that I feel this way but I can't stand this kid and I can't stand the way his dad doesn't do anything to help him grow up or stop this. 

CastleJJ's picture

"What we have feels like a whole, complete family."

"He doesn't blend with our new family." 

I have read all of your blogs. You divorced your ex and expected him to disappear and expected your new DH to become "Daddy" to your daughters. You also expected that your new family would become priority #1 while DH's "other kids" slipped off the radar. It is not your SS' job to blend into your "new family." You treat this kid like Cinderella, the outcast who prevents your family from being true. You are trying to make an intact family out of a blended one, which isn't possible.

Your ex is NCP and you say "he just plays with them," while your DH is "raising" your girls. Its a heck of a lot easier to "raise" girls that you see 24 days of the month, versus 6. I bet your ex would take on more responsibility and visitation, given the opportunity. Your ex is probably just acting within the confines of your parenting parameters. 

You say that your ex is NCP and he doesn't do enough for your girls, then turn around and say your DH, who is also NCP, does too much for his son. What you want is for all aspects of steplife to disappear so the focus can be on your intact family of 4. 

Ultimately, it sounds like your SS needs your DH, given how off her rocker BM sounds. If your DH wants to play video games with SS during his entire weekend visitation, who cares. That is how they choose to bond and that is how DH chooses to spend his visitation with his son. You and your daughters are mad that DH didnt change his plans, during already limited time with his son, to do what you and your daughters wanted; something that he could do any other day of the week. He does not owe you and your daughters anything. He is NOT your daughters' father. If you expect him to prioritize you and your daughters over his own kids, you will lose.

You may want to look for a single guy with no kids to fulfill the "Dad" role and intact family you are looking for. 


Wicked stepmo.'s picture

No judgements that you can't find anything to like about your stepson. Many of us feel that way, it happens.

But I do agree with everyone that you shouldn't be upset with your DH or SS for spending time together when he visits. Especially since DH is the NCP.  He does have enough time with SS to make a difference in how SS behaves. But he can work on his relationship with him. 

Your DH is with your children more than his own and it sounds like he is a good SF to them. You should use the time SD is there to spend one on one time with your kids.  

In my situation I don't expect my SO to do anything for or with my BS, just to treat him civilly. It is my responsibility and I make sure that if I can't do something for him I ask his BD first, because it is also his responsibility. 

DS father and I may not be together, but he is still DS father and I try best to respect that, no matter my personal feelings. 

I can't stand SKs BM, I think she is a terrible mother but, that is still there mother, and I will never hold a candle to her in thier eyes and I accept that. 

bananaseedo's picture

YIKES, everything has been said.  You're trying to force him to be new daddy.  Your ex having 3 weekedns a month is a lot more time then most NCP have.  It seems as you your dh and kids have enough family bonding time, let him bond w/his kid when he visits his dad in their own way.  You come across as selfish and a golden uterus honestly. 

Rags's picture

I understand your frustration over the endless conversation attempts about video games.  My SS went through that phase too.  Until his mom an I ended it. The first step was not allowing him to even mention anything about his gaming.  When he would start, we shut it down with "We are not interested in video games or someone else's imagination. Tell us about something you have actually done. That we want to hear about."  

The solution to the whole game obsessed crap progressed from not allowing him to talk about it, to .... purging all video games from your home.  Once we purged, we never allowed them back into our home.  No more issues with the screen addiction invading our home and family.

Cut off all internet access other than a short period during a strictly scheduled period.  Say, no more than 1 hour per day between X and Y time.  Lock his access to the WiFi other than that.

I would suggest that you and your girls go and do something, just the three of you, that either SS or DH love to do, then talk all about it when you get back. Incessantly, then when SS or daddy whine about you going without them and say "lets go again" you say, nope. We have a list of cool things that we want to do, most of them things you love to do, that we are going to go do any time you shove your head inside of a video game.  We will enjoy real life wile you two wallow in someone else's imaginary world.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

My SS remembers nothing about any specific gaming session.  He has great memories of hikes, camping trips, vacations, etc.... Make memories for you and your girls and let DH and SS have no memories.  That is their choice. Your choice should be to rub their noses in their choices and live well.  Living well is the best revenge.

Enjoy your revenge.

As for deodorant, I would make it mandatory that SS shower and puts on fresh clothes upon arrival in your home and uses deodorant.  BM can flip her lid but... she cannot be tolerated to control the hygiene standards of kids in your home. What she does in her home... so be it.

Thought-i-had-this's picture

Alot of the advice you've had has been quite strict so far, and in dealing with a 14yo there is definite cause for needing routine and structure still.

If you spin it in a good way, try encouraging DH to help give SS independence and learn new things to boost his self esteem? Rags had a perfect point here about doing things you love without DH and SS and see how they respond to that...I would spend the missing time with your daughters, it does sound like SS needs his dad's care and attention atm and to crave some stability so whatever you try to change needs to be solid afterwards again. 

I also wouldn't like to be single every weekend because my husband was away from me, explain how you feel to him? And maybe put some eggs in other baskets to keep your options open of things to do etc, when you can maybe take your kids to see family, friends who have kids on weekends etc.