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I feel bad for my husband

Biostep7777's picture

My kids and my husband have a great relationship. My kids also have a great relationship with their own dad. We all support each other so my kids feel free to have a close and loving relationship with all the adults in their lives. 
My stepsons mom is a textbook alienatior. His kids barely text or say a word to him when they are not here. He texts his kids everyday and tells them he loves them and misses them and texts goodnight and they have one word responses "hi" "ok" "goodnight" they sound annoyed when he calls too. 

He knows why but it still hurts him. He just wants to have a relationship with his kids like he does with mine and how mine have with their dad. But, it's just never going to happen. She will never let it happen. How do you support your spouse who's going through this? How does he just accept this? It's so awful. 

Wicked stepmo.'s picture

There isn't much than can be done other than DH  seeking counseling to learn how to cope. As well as trying to maintain some form of relationship with his kids in hopes that one day they figure things out on Thier own. 

He can try to fight it, but alienation is hard to prove and often results in further alienation. 

 

tog redux's picture

I well remember those days, watching SS slip away from us.  DH would toss and turn at night, worried about it, and nothing we did really helped much.  We knew it was coming, and then it happened - he was totally alienated and refusing to come over or speak to DH.

I think the best thing you can do is reassure him that it's not his fault, to fix what he can fix on his end, but to put the blame where it belongs - on BM's pathology. And also encourage him to live life, focus on what he does have, and thrive the best he can. 

When SS stopped coming over entirely, it was really hard - but we grieved and then we began to thrive. SS was totally alienated for over 3 years, and I won't say it was easy - but it was peaceful. No more BM, no more negative behavior on visits, no more court, no more police in the driveway.  We could travel when we wanted without worrying about BM interfering.

DH gradually came to accept that there wasn't much he could do except make sure SS always knew he was there, he loved him, and the door was open - but that DH would not allow him to mistreat him and wasn't going to buy his love.

You just be there for him, that's all you can do. It helps, a lot, per my DH. Reassure him that he's not who and what BM says he is and help surround him with people who believe in him and care about him - it helps counter the abuse he gets from BM, the kids and her flying monkeys  

 

Biostep7777's picture

Thank you. That's so helpful. I honestly can't believe these "mothers" and I use that word lightly get away with this vicious abuse to their children and how the courts don't know. It's so obvious. The shit she puts on these kids heads is so ridiculous and why they believe it when they have never experienced anything like she tries to say (because it's all lies) is so strange to me. She says DH "yells at them all the time" in 4 years I think I have heard him actually yell maybe 3 times and it was when they did something BAD. Like took my dog on a walk and texted us all saying she was hit by a car. (Little assholes) DH lost it and they deserved it. That was absolutely sick and disgusting. ANY parent would have lost it, she tries to say it was "just boys being boys" and "dad had no right to be angry" WHAT!!???? My kids would have never seen the light of day again and would have been out in therapy immediately if they did something so sadistic, 

 

yeah...this is what we deal with. 

Cookieboom's picture

Hang in there!!!  I feel bad for my BF also.  BF has not seen his DS in a long time.  BM and DS both have said once he “dumps that skank” he will have access again.  I have offered multiple times to leave so he can see his DS, and he disagreed each time I brought it up.  The only thing I can do so far is center on helping him with the challenges of being away from his DS. 

I know logically that I never made the choice to reduce his access to DS, but feel guilty as BM stopped all access after she came back from her escapade with the married man and found out about me.   When BF texts DS goodnight or a funny pic of his kitten (Now cat) he recieves no reply, although DS admitted in therapy that he has recieved the messages. 

Recently BF was gathering evidence for court and found text messages to me before BM came back stating how “DS would like to invite you and the kids here and there” and “DS wanted to know if you are busy this weekend we are going here and there he would like you guys to come.”

Obviously this is BM’s doing…OBVIOUSLY!!