I don't want my husbands son, how do I change this feeling.
I am 19 years old and have a two month old daughter with my husband we have almost been married a year and I'm feeling stuck and smothered. When I was 17 I was in high school and my boyfriend now my husband had just moved to FL to be closer to me well he had 50/50 custody of his son, and well he had to get a job he had no one to watch his son and didn't want to give up his time with his son to the mother. So I dropped out of school to help which I thought was a good idea at the time. When I turned 18 I moved in with him and his son who he had every other week, so every other week I had a 18 month old. His father was fighting for custody in the state of ms so every other week he had to drive 5 hours to ms to drop his son off to his mother and he would make me go with because he wanted me to be his sons mother and I was never interested in being this child's mother, it go to the point where I really resented his son I would think to my self I hated this child and I wish he never was born I was so stressed. In January they went to court and the judge ordered him to drive back in forth every two weeks to pick up and drop off the son and pay for the mothers daycare for the child. So a couple months later we got evicted from our apt because we could not afford to pay the bill with having to pay the lawyer fees and daycare and driving to see my husbands son. Well soon after that I found out I was pregnant so we moved in with my parents for three months. Through out my whole pregnancy I had to drive up and down the high way every two week a 10 hour round trip for this child until the a week before I have birth well on the Saturday before I gave birth to our daughter my husband received a court paper in the mail saying his baby mama wanted to take him back to court nov 5th and it was oct 13th well I gave birth on Oct 15 to my first daughter i knew my husband was not even emotional there with me he was thinking about his son and I never got to enjoy the birth of my daughter because everything was and is about to son we are just getting done with paying his lawyer off and he was to take her back to court but I'm just done I'm tired of feeling like I have to act like this child's mother when I'm not I don't like the he calls me mom I hate when my someone asked me how many children I have and I say one and my husband comes behind me and says no she has two. I know it is not his sons fault he is caught up in the middle of two parents and a step mom but I feel like if I were to even to tell my husband I don't want custody of his son or want to go back to court then he was stop loving me. I want to get my education I want to be able to go a week with out hearing about his son and what I have to say when we go back to court. I know it sounds selfish but what about me. ? If you could just give me some advice of when you think or ways I can get past this that would help thank you
I want to go back to school I
I want to go back to school I don't know what for but I do really bad my this is my husband has his masters and is done has a job all of which I don't what if you tried to take me to court over my daughter I don't want to lose her and I love him I don't want to leave him either.
please, don't take this the
please, don't take this the wrong way, but, what i am going to say is really important:
Whatever it takes, get an education. Your future happiness and the happiness of your daughter depends on it. It sounds like in your current family structure it would be pretty difficult to do, as you won't get the financial support and time to be able to go to school. If you can, arrange things with your parents, someone that can watch your daughter, and help you financially, so that you can complete your education. Give yourself an opportunity to develop and grow, as well as get basis for supporting your daughter in the future. It is totally understandable why you resent your step-son. Its understandable, but its also poisonous to your relationship with your husband, as this type of resentment will transfer to him as well. Your situation is complicated. Unless you absolutely feel that your husband is your soul-mate, i would say, get out. Get out not to run away from the negative feelings you have, but in order to have the opportunity to organize your life and to succeed in the future.
Now,If you do feel that your husband IS your soul-mate, then, make peace with the fact that this is his child, and he loves him and he wants you to love him also (which, you will not, but its ok). He will be really hurt if he knew how you really feel, so, don't enlighten him on that, its needless pain. Talk with a therapist to make things feel better, or on websites like this, or with other step-parents support groups. Make peace with all the negative feeling, let them flow through you. Understand that they are not unusual, and doesn't make you a bad person. The logistics of the long drive, the financial burdens, the unavailability of your husband to make you and your daughter the center of his universe --- all these things are tough. They will not change. You may never love his son, but the negative feelings will quiet down with time, it will get better overall, as you get used to the situation and find your internal ways to coup. Allow your husband to love his son, and to share the joy of that love with you. You can be nice, caring and kind to his son without having to love him, that will be enough. Your husband may understand this complexity with time.
But, education is number 1, not just for your, but for the future of your daughter. Good luck.
I understand I love my
I understand I love my husband very very much and don't think I could leave him I do care about his son I just don't want custody of him. I however would never ask or expect my husband to forget about his son I believe he should help take care of him it's only right but what I want is for him understand I don't want to "play" mommy that stupid and childish and I think it's wrong I don't think being a step parent is wrong but when you take it the point of I am your mom and you will call me mom it's a little over the top.
Don't play "mommy", you don't
Don't play "mommy", you don't need to. He wants you to play mommy because that is his fantasy for a harmonious family. Its a stage, most parents in a re-marriage go through that. If you read any book on stages of step-parenting, you will see it there. (By the way, you SHOULD read books on step parenting, it will help you understand what to expect, what emotions you will go through and what your DH will go through as your blended family evolves). Give your husband time, and he will realize that that fantasy is unrealistic. He will grieve and give it up, eventually. Be nice, stay calm. You can tell him that you care about his son and that you will definitely end up having a very special relationship with his son, but that he has a mom already and you have a different role. Hang in there.
Thank you. What books would
Thank you. What books would you recommended?
What deos DH mean??
He does want me to go to
He does want me to go to school I just don't know when I can with our daughter and if he gets custody his son. He has a better job now and is doing better he just is trying to pay off his lawyer and the court fees so I do understand that point you mean I do feel our daughter deserves the Same and I love him I mean he is the father of my child and though I'm venting about him and the things he has done he isn't all bad. But I also have no place to go it I leave him plus I really don't want to leave because I don't believe in ending marriage you say vows for a reason and you need you up hold them is how I was raised.
He doesn't want you to go to
He doesn't want you to go to school???!!!
How old is your husband?
Well he says he wants me to
Well he says he wants me to go. And I am 19 he is 26
I'm sorry, I misread your
I'm sorry, I misread your post.
Of course its possible to go
Of course its possible to go to school, its just harder to work around the kid(s).
But let assess your feelings about his kid. I'm sure by now you realize the mistakes you've made in this whole matter. Both dropping out and getting pregnant. Frankly I have to wonder if his motivation for marrying you didn't lean heavily towards the fact he needs a babysitter full time for a court to even think for one second that he can get custody? Just sayin...........
DH = Dear Husband if you go to the Home Page there can be found a link to all of these.
If the BM (Bio Mother) of this kid fights your husband the odds of him winning are almost zero. Unless he can PROVE she is incompetent such as a drug user, etc.
BUT things change and kids get older. At any moment the BM could die or otherwise be unable to keep her kid. In a few years the kid will be able to ask a judge that he live with his father and a boy is given serious consideration of this at about age 14.
I'm trying very hard to not advise you to get out of this. So I won't. But I will tell you to keep your legs crossed. Get on birth control AND make him use a condom. You do not want to bring another child into this mix only to decide down the line it isn't going to work.
Frankly I think that is exactly what is going to happen. But I'm not advising you to leave now. Yes I am. No I'm not. Yes I am....damn I just had to say it.
I understand I am on birth
I understand I am on birth control I don't want no more kids ever I love my daughter like crazy would never changed her coming into this world, but I am done. Yes, i do know that i have made alot of mistakes. My plan is to stay with my husband yes. Well as far as court my mom thinks that the BM will win as well. Although even if he lost he will probably continue to go back to court trying to get him. He told me that he wouldn't stop until he had full custody. I looked at the GED program and its very close to where I live so my plan is to go get evaluated next Thursday. :O I can't really say what his son will be like in the future but right now he is totally a mamas boy and hates leaving her, so my guess is he will want to be with his mother. I don't not like my husbands son he is the sweetest 2 year caught up in a mess between two biological parents who both want him but don't want to be together or married they can't even co-present well, my heart goes out to him I just don't want him to be my problem I only 19 and I just don't want him or for him to call me mom when I'm clearly not his mom.