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i don’t like my step child’s behaviour towards my baby

Uzumaki1903's picture

Hi, very new here. I've been trying to find anything relating to what I'm feeling online but couldn't find a thing. And would really love any feedback.

my partner has a child from a previous relationship, she's 8 this year. And our little one just turned 1! He hasn't been present in his first child's life for the past few months as he gets very stressed out from just getting a text from his ex, as she's always trying to make him feel bad. Like not answering the phone, or giving her seperate money when he already pays child support.

we've just got ourselves back on track as we've had some ups and downs, and he finally saw his first child this past weekend. Now, I have no idea if it's just me thinking it or it's really happening. But I feel like his 8yr old doesn't like my child. 

She was constantly mocking her cry's, getting up in her face and yelling at her (nothing mean but still, she was too close to be that loud), constantly picking her up from her walker when we already said not to. Telling my child not to touch her but she could touch my child. And whilst feeding her in her high chair, she came over to try and unbuckle her and my one year old did a little slap on her hand, step child proceeded to do the same thing back to her. And saying don't hit me or I'll hit you.

i have spoken to my partner how I didn't like her behaviour towards our daughter, he agreed and blames the mother. I feel like he should be blaming himself as well though for not taking action. And I haven't said anything to her because mostly I'm shocked she was even behaving this way and second that I don't feel like I have complete rights to discipline a child that isn't mine.

help! Am I imagining it? Or is it really happening? 

Momof6WI's picture

If the behavior is out of line, I would say something to her. She's old enough to be disciplined, but sounds like there might be some jealousy issues. Which I think all blended families at some point experience. Maybe some one on one time with her might help? Easier said than done with a little one I get it lol. 

tog redux's picture

Yes, it's his fault. He's afraid to parent because he's afraid of his ex. 
 

You have the right and obligation to protect your baby from her, though. So go ahead and stop that behavior. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

So Dad hasn't seen his daughter in several months because he's "stressed" and then blames BM for his daughter's poor reaction to his other child that he has seen every day for the past year?

Has he not put 2 and 2 together to realize that his kid is *probably* mad at him for abandoning her while going off to play Daddy with a new kid (and likely feeling like she has been replaced)?

I'm not saying SD's behavior is okay, because it's not. You have every right to tell her to knock it off and keep your kid away from her sister if her sister os harming her.

But if your SO were my SO, I'd be putting my foot straight up his arse and telling him that he needs to grow up and deal with his responsibilities. He HAS to deal with BM in some capacity. He HAS to parent his oldest child. He doesn't get to blame someone else for decisions HE is making. Even IF BM were the root of the problem, he has the RESPONSIBILITY to wrangle his child while she is in his care. To not do so is neglectful.

So lay it all out for everyone. Tell SD and SO to BOTH knock it off. And tell your SO to step up with SD because HIS behavior is to blame.

ESMOD's picture

"mom's fault"??????

He is there in the home.. he doesn't stop or reprimand her?  

FFS.. HE is allowing this.. and you are too.  When she goes to pick her up.. after you have said NO.. you prevent her from doing so if your DH isn't there.. YOU.. go get your child.. and clearly say.. SD.. I said NO... and I mean it.  Go to your room you are being punished for not listening.

When she says she will strike your child.. you clearly and LOUDLY tell her that she will lay not ONE hand on your child.. she has a problem with your child's behavior.. she will come to YOU and you will deal with it.  

There is zero way I would put up with her shenanigans... if your DH tries to waffle.. you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that he will back you up.. or he will have worse problems than one exwife.

Uzumaki1903's picture

Thank you all for your replies to this subject. There has been more behind the scenes to explain my partners behaviour. Which many in his family would say it was for the best that he didn't see her at those times. But too personal to say here. I hope you can understand that much at least.

i will say tod redux, that's spot on there. He has admitted it to me before. Afraid to discipline her because of BM.

we are in a conundrum. We're temporarily staying with one of his family members, for certain circumstances, that has strong views about not yelling at children. As I don't want to be disrespectful to her or her home whilst we are here, I didn't react the way that I would have last weekend. It was very hard for me to hold my tongue. 

plus, the mother and I don't get along and she has tested my patience more than once before. I feel like she acts like a teenager and constantly picks fights with my partner due to old habits I suppose. The mother is no saint in this either, she referred to her own daughter as a booty call to my partner, has constantly threaten him to withhold her from him. My partner literally had to buy school shoes to see his daughter last weekend, as she complained that he wasn't paying her enough child support, even though it gets deducted automatically from his pay. there's a reason why she's an ex, and that's all just scratching the surface. 
 

lieutenant_dad's picture

So wait, your SO isn't living in his own place and his own family thinks it was good that he wasn't parenting for some of that time that he didn't have her, but he wants to blame BM solely for SD's poor behavior?

I don't know what is happening with your SO, but if he isn't actively getting his stuff together, he needs to be. Whether is counseling, drug rehab, new or a second job - whatever. BM is going to act like BM. If that isn't what he wants for his kid, then he needs to be better - the best that he thinks she deserves.

Be honest with yourself - does BM have a reason to be concerned about sending SD to your SO to care for her? If so, then I'd probably stop focusing on BM being the problem and focus on getting SO better so that you all have a better place to live and he can adequately care for his daughter - and fight BM for his visitation rights.

Until then, do what you have to do to keep your DD safe. If that means finding your own place to live while SO figures his life out, then so be it.

Monkeysee's picture

Regardless of whose house you’re living in, YOU are your daughters mother. Your SD is behaving inappropriately, and yes your DH should be disciplining her. But you also have the right to stop her from doing what she’s doing because it’s your daughter at the receiving end of SD’s behaviour. 

My blood boils when I hear of these awful skids being allowed to bully their siblings or their siblings BP & everyone just lets it happen because they’re afraid of the fallout. F*%k the fallout, your kid is your kid, end of. 

Lndsy747's picture

I agree with a lot of the others that you should be able to speak up if she's doing something to your daughter. You don't have to yell and I don't think I would even do a timeout or any kind of actual punishment but I would definitely speak up and say that that's not okay. I'm sure your SD is feeling some jealousy and if she doesn't have any other sibling she may not know how to act towards a young child like that. 

Your daughter is young and doesn't have a voice yet so you need to speak up for her.

Uzumaki1903's picture

I don't do well with disobedient children, so before when she had a cold and she kissed her when she about 4 months old, I told her once not to kiss her because of germs, but later proceeded to give her kisses. I yelled at her that time. She does it a lot, we tell her not to do something and then proceeds to continue. I'm unsure if she thinks she's in control of my daughter or is jealous and thinks getting a negative reaction is better. My partner and his ex had a messy relationship and breakup and all in front of her too. So I am worried she may be more aggressive with my daughter. 
 

it's just the environment I'm in at the moment. Back at the old place I'd tell her off when she was being naughty. Her attitude afterwards wasn't a delight. She would constantly exclude one of my nieces from play time. So she has a lot of alarming characteristics. 
 

a lot of people have told me that's how little girls are, but I haven't accepted that. I feel like a lot of people make excuses for her. But I feel a lot better knowing that it isn't in my head, I've been told I "overreact"! So thank you all for your input. I'm definitely going to be mama bear if it happens again and really give my partner a talking too. 

Rags's picture

Nothing a swat to the ass of the 8yo won't fix when she screams in the baby's face.  Follow the swat with a firmly twisted ear forced march to the nearest corner and a firm planting of her nose in the corner where she will stay until you get tired.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Daddy needs to find his balls and get this shit of a kid and POS BM under control.

You should make it crystal clear that SO has no choice or he loses you and his youngest child.  He has proven that he does not give a shit enough about his children to man up and parent so the odds are he won't do shit if you take the baby and leave.

Make sure to nail his ass for a pile of CS when you go.

BM has shown you what works in dealing with your DH.

Raise your child as far from this shallow and polluted gene pool as you can get.

Good luck.

shamds's picture

hell!!

if we were on holiday hubby would be told to make them leave and if we were at home he needs to get rid of them. That behaviour is totally unacceptable and he needs to address it, not be such a chicken sh*t

when my then 23yr & 13 yr old sd had the nerve to answer me back when i told them to not feed my kids to not do inappropriate things with them (my son is severely anaphylactic to some things so we have to manage cross contamination from our daughter) so sd’s think they can put them at risk and tell me they will do it... no hubby addresses it immediately. Eldest sd recently told hubby she didn’t do anything wrong and was sorry she didn’t know she did anything wrong.

really?? You answered back to an adult and were disrespectful??

shamds's picture

hell!!

if we were on holiday hubby would be told to make them leave and if we were at home he needs to get rid of them. That behaviour is totally unacceptable and he needs to address it, not be such a chicken sh*t

when my then 23yr & 13 yr old sd had the nerve to answer me back when i told them to not feed my kids to not do inappropriate things with them (my son is severely anaphylactic to some things so we have to manage cross contamination from our daughter) so sd’s think they can put them at risk and tell me they will do it... no hubby addresses it immediately. Eldest sd recently told hubby she didn’t do anything wrong and was sorry she didn’t know she did anything wrong.

really?? You answered back to an adult and were disrespectful??

Uzumaki1903's picture

Would it be wrong to limit his visitation with SD. She's still doing annoying things but only when I'm not around I've been limiting their interactions with each other. But today I put her in her walker and put her inside as I prepared her morning bottle for nap time. In that time SD has taken her out of the walker and placed her into the porta cot that we have set up in the lounge room, and as I was coming to get her, I walked in on SD in the porta cot trying to carry my daughter out of it!!! I said what are you doing, took my child and said you can't do that. Told the father and he said did you do that and she said no!!!!!!!!!! Obviously he took my word for it and said to her that she can't do that. I honestly feel like imma throw this kid across the room. 

Monkeysee's picture

Raise hell with your SO. SD is to come NOWHERE near your baby unless an adult is in the room, and every single time she’s caught near your kid there’s a consequence. Every. Single. Time. 

Obviously do everything you can to keep them separate but nobody can monitor 24/7, so there needs to be consequences. If your SO won’t endorce them, then do it yourself. 

Children do not get to control the house that way. They don’t get to pick up & carry around the baby just because they want to, especially if you’re not comfortable with it. You are your baby’s mother, the shots are yours to call.

Rags's picture

Absolutely.

Zero tolerance of this crap needs to be applied.  With escalating age appropriate consequences.