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I despise my husbands "baby momma" so much i can't even stand to look at my step-son. please help me

sarahrebecca's picture

My husband and I have been married for a year. I have a 5 year old son from a previous marriage and we have just had our first son together seven months ago. My husband also has a 4 year old son.
I despise my husbands "baby momma", for lack of a better word, for numberous reasons and I can't even stand to even hear her name anymore. She is the worse kind of person. First of all she takes advantage of my husband and treats him like trash. She even takes advantage of me. They split because she cheated on him probably 25 times and i was his best friend... there to pick up the peices. Anyway,for example, she has claimed his son for the past 3 years on her taxes and says shes doing it again this year because she has no money...and my husband said ok. She makes probably 3x the money we do yet 3 days ago she got evicted from her house and last week my step son got kicked out of daycare for non payment. All because she would rather support her lortab problem instead. She is 8 months pregnant and taking between 10-15 lortabs a day...unprescribed. And yes, my husband has paid child support since they split. So now she's being greedy and claiming him on taxes AGAIN because shes broke....humm...
Another reason why i can't seem to get along with her is because she is constantly trying to get me and my husband to divorice. She drives by our house, texts him and asks him whos at our house when hes at work. She refuses anymore to let his son be here with me when he goes to work. She says "watch this, see how much John loves you now..." she claims its always MY fault when she wont let him come. I guess in hopes he'll get rid of me, which is exactly what she wants. Me gone, so she can walk all over him like a doormat. And she ALWAYS comes back with "its funny how jealous you are of my life and my relationship with "(my husband). Me? Jealous of her? I have two kids, a husband, a house, a job, a dog. I have a great life. She has...a messed up baby shes pregnant with, a cheating boyfriend that conceived a child when they were together, no house, no daycare... just a pill addiction..and I am jealous??
The last main reason i despise her is to get me to just give up and leave my husband just so i wouldnt have to deal with her shit anymore is...she called cps on me. Told them my husband was abusing me and my son and everything else. No biggie, nothing happened with it of course but just the thought. ANYONE who messes with my kids or tries to get them taken from me... HELL NO. She is ruining my freaking life!
Anyway, I just despise her so much i cant even look at her. And her son.l Everytime hes at my house... I see her and I just cant get around it. I hate how she raises him i hate how he acts when hes with her. He'll act ok when hes at our house but the second he gets back with his mom (I've witnessed him do it) he'll do something crazy. Like pull his pants down and show all the cars his butt, hit is grandma, not listen when she (barely) tells him to stop...
She just doesnt give a shit how he turns out and says he cant come over without my husband home and I have no business telling my step son what to do. I'm sorry but if he's gonna grow up with my kids, he will act right. I just dont know what to do. Like I said I absolutely HATE the girl, as does my husband. I just dont know how to accept my step son when everytime i see him.. i see her. someone i hate. I just want to try and x her out of my life and accept my step son... I just dont know how and im, afraid i never will.

youngmama1b1g's picture

I completely understand. The BM I deal with isn't nearly as bad as what you're describing, but I still have moments when I look at SS5 and only see BM and I am enraged. It passes very very slowly. Usually when you start building a better relationship with SS. I know once my SS and I started working on little projects together- us having good memories helped with the bad stuff. The book "Steptalk" talks about how the "cute moments" help when the kids turn into PITAs (pain in the -ss'es)

Your husband needs to set some boundaries and quickly! Our BM said once "maybe I shouldn't drop off SS when your not home" to which my husband cut her off saying "if you want to try that- you better serve me with court papers. She is my wife, he is my son and they will have to get along."

Also I encourage the phrase "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference." Though it will piss you off to no end when your SO agrees to crap arrangements and BM continuously screws him and your family over- you have to realize you can't change her behavior (no matter how much most of us SMs would like to) and you have to accept it. Only thing you can change is your reaction to it. On the bright side, steptalk is here for any and all rants to come!!

stepsonhatesme's picture

It's almost scary the things you wrote. MMM was and still is tryign to break me and DH up. (we've been together for 7+ years).
She has told me that I cannot tell SS what to do since I'm not his mother. (lol watch me, our house, our rules). She also claimed SS on her taxes for all the 7 years BUT 1. Because I stepped in and told DH what was what.
But, that's where it stops, she forceablly would send him over her for ME to watch knowing DH was at work. She didnt care who had him.
My only consolation is that SS in no way shape, or form looks like MMM. He looks like a mini, lighter version of DH.

shielded2009's picture

I'm sorry you're going through this...

Honestly, you and your DH are going to have to be strategic with dealing with BM. Is there a visitation agreement in place?

It sounds like IMO, that this type of woman would benefit from a Parallel Parenting plan...If she's disruptive to your husband and you, then he needs to contain her by 1) dealing with her 100% and only with the subject that pertains to their kid. Anything else will get the dial tone. Also, if I was in your position, I'd ignore everything as it pertains to her. I wouldn't allow her to talk to me...at me...through me...whatever...ZERO communication...

She'll become crazy for awhile with doing this, but she'll get the picture of her boundaries...Your DH has to be on board and the one navigating everything...